This is What I'm Dealing With

Apparently the balconies (yes, there's more than one) aren't finished yet and there will be a "privacy fence" erected so it won't feel so much like I have an audience when I go to my car or near my window. (That end of the building is home to 110 men.)

More opportunities to breathe and relax! I'm also in conversation with my community, both my condo neighbours and the Shepherds neighbours to see what we can do so we're all happy here in our tight corner of town. We're working it out.

I'm grateful that I live on this side of the fence, although I'm aware that it's a great community on the other side of the fence too. I'm glad to know it's there and I'm glad I'm able to take care of myself and my kid and keep on this side. For now. Some days I wonder if I'll end up on that side, but that's when I'm really in fear mode!

All of the events of late have supported me in being present, in being pushed back to this moment, in being grateful for what I have in my life, and I'm in a new place. Apparently the universe wants us to grow. I'm being stretched for sure and I suppose time will tell if I'm growing or not!

Meditation, not Medication

Okay, some people really need medication and no amount of meditation will help in those cases. But for the rest of us, we can probably use a little meditation and then we won't need medication. Just an idea I'm putting out there.

I noticed that when I was having a particularly hard time recently, I was particularly resistant to doing my meditation practice. Hmm. Know how when someone's mad and they get told to take a deep breath they don't want to do that? Mad wants to be mad. It has a life of its own. Same thing with sad or with bad or any other feeling that gets fed by the "pain body." My sadness took on a life of its own and resisted efforts to have it go away.

But I used my tools and it's back in check. "En garde. Take that, all-consuming-thoughts-that disturb!" Knowing what to do and doing what needs to be done are 2 totally different things.

15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes at night, and I'm golden.

New Music

I heard a bit of Luc's deeksha-infused music on Saturday at the end of the day of yoga teacher training and knew I wanted to hear it some more. So I downloaded it from iTunes and have been playing it ever since. It's Ong So Hung from The Guru Singh Experience. It is supposed to contain some Oneness Blessing in it. I don't know about that-all I know is that I like it and I feel good while it's playing.

I'll post a link when I'm not typing on my iPod touch. :)

Barakobamasana

I was thinking it could either Barakasana, or Barak Obamasa, or we could be doing Yogobama, something like that. I walked to my class in Hull today partly because it wasn't minus 80 out and mainly because I figured the streets around me would be closed and I wouldn't make it to class in time. I made it just fine.

We could come up with a new pose or dedicate an old pose - I didn't get real far with the idea and I'm not taking any pictures or anything but if you have any ideas let me know.

I'm still ill, still sick in the heart, and I recall there have been many Februaries like this (is that how you spell it?). My sister reminded me that people think November is hard, but really it's February that's the kicker. I don't know - November was brutal but February has been something else. Life is hard! To me, right now, in my state. Kids, don't listen to me, it won't be like that for you.

I was talking to my mom this morning and I was saying first of all, I wish I could get born again and find god and then I wouldn't have to feel bad. "Jesus is always by your side. When you feel scared, just know you're not alone and..." That would be so cool. "Everything happens for a reason." That's another one I wish I could buy. "It's always darkest before the dawn." Bring it on. These are the things that I think would help me feel better.

You know what I think would really do it? Aliens landing. If a big space ship landed on Parliament Hill or the lawn of the White House, that would be awesome. That would change everything and we'd have world peace in a nanosecond. Don't you think? Imagine, if all of a sudden aliens landed, we'd all band together as humans and take on this new, big problem. Unless maybe they were there to rescue us and show us peace and new foods and stuff. That would be neat. And even if they were mean, just something different to have happen would be awesome.

I'm going to great resorts to get out of the pain in my brain. I wish I could hit myself over the head with a frying pan sometimes. Jason reminded me again to just give myself some slack and be really nice to myself. Hitting myself with a frying pan wouldn't be nice. I won't do that. Maybe I'll get myself a necklace or something to remind me that I'm cool with me.

Completion, Landmark Style

I had two really great conversations in the past few hours. I spoke to my buddy in Montreal, Jason, who heard my brief description of my situation and "got" it and helped me see how I had given my power away, maintaining my status as "victim" and that it's very ordinary. Who he knows me to be is extraordinary and without making me wrong, he reminded me that there's a place I've been where I'm responsible in my life.

He also helped me identify that it's a bummer when you break your word and I had given my word to this relationship, and like many a leader, I held on longer than I should have and could have let go a while ago. He said some other things but I was a bit teary and I didn't remember it all.

Then this morning I spoke to my other buddy, Suzanne, and she reminded me that in order to be "complete" there are some things I probably still had to say to John and they're the things I'm thankful for. Aargh. I don't want to write a letter saying what I loved about him because I'm all mad and hurt and stuff. She said doing it would make me feel better and she was right. And then I remembered that when I'm really "complete" with someone, there's a healthy connection. Completion creates connection.

So I wrote the letter. I cried as I was writing. "Thanks for being so great, blah, blah, blah." It was very touching. And I got to the point where I could be responsible for having been so vulnerable and giving my power away, creating big expectations that could not be met. I created that. I made the situation be the way it was and I'm responsible for how I was. (Guys, that's different than being at fault and I'm not taking the blame here, I'm restoring my power.)

And I got the big love I have for him. And I got how grateful I am to have had him in my life - he's a super, funny, intelligent, creative man, and if you ever get to meet him, you'll see what I mean.

And there was no way I was going to get my needs met in that relationship. Not a chance. So what I can see now, thanks to having been in that relationship, is what my standards are. Where my next relationship needs to begin. What a huge gift! Suzanne said I come out a winner in this one. I know where I need to begin and what needs to be present before I get involved. I want an intimate relationship, no question. And there's no question I'm going to have it.

She said don't take a year or two getting over this one. Just get complete. Write him. Write him some more. Thank him. Be grateful and it will be over faster. She's totally right.

I feel better! I feel more open to life!

Okay, I'm on a bit of a high, but it's partly because I've been so down. Like really down. And to feel a bit up is like, well, it's really nice. And to feel the love I have had for someone, who has been so important to me, even though it "didn't work out," is a great feeling. It touches me and inspires me. I was really loved by him and I really loved him. No doubt about that and it feels good to be in that space, nevermind the results or how it looks on the outside. On the inside, I'm present to love and it doesn't have to show up in a particular way at all. It's just love.

And the next time I walk by where he works or we used to go or whatever triggers me, I might get triggered. That will likely happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy this nice, clean feeling.

I Need a New Problem

I need a new problem. I think I may already have a new problem so I'm probably not going to need to work too hard on this one.

Let me explain. We all have problems. Making our problems go away is futile because we're always going to have problems - it's life. One of the things we can do is get bigger problems or uplevel the problems we have and then the little ones go away. It's a way of shifting focus, of getting out of a current state of mind into another one.

I almost had a very unwanted new problem on Valentine's Day as I had a minor accident in the afternoon. "My car!" I was driving and crying and looking down at my BlackBerry. I know, I know. I know! I was very lucky in that nothing happened. We both stopped, pulled over, noticed that nothing had occurred and then got back into our cars and went on our ways. So if I had all of a sudden had a car accident for real, I'd have a great big new problem that would take over my mental space and hopefully spare me from the current pain I'm in, offering me some other kind of pain to deal with.

Fortunately, that did not happen and I get to choose a new problem. I could call it a project or something else, but for me the idea of it being a problem works. I need to focus my attention off of my dead relationship and the pursuit of a new one all of a sudden, and focus instead on my work and home life.

Now that I'm back on my own financially, I need to make sure that I'm going to be able to do it. Over the two years that John lived with me prices went up where I live, I bought a more expensive car, which takes more gas, and we have cable and I'm still paying off a big TV we bought before Christmas. Plus I did the last minute trip, which took a bite and we did just do Christmas. And there was a bus strike so yoga class numbers were down, and you get the picture. I'm not sure how I'm doing financially and that is a problem in itself.

So my new problem will be to thrive financially. Not just survive, but actually thrive. That's the game. I'll keep you posted. Every once in a while I come up with an idea that will take me away from teaching yoga. I fantasize about running a shop that sells stuff. Totally not yoga. I think of online businesses, yoga teaching ideas, books, DVDs, you know, you've heard me. So that's the new game. I was actually working on it when I met John, but I was hoping that a great relationship would take care of me and I wouldn't need to pursue my other ideas. For someone so smart I really am so naive sometimes. Okay, often. Oh well.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day and I'm going to keep myself occupied. This is so hard of a day seeing as how it's my anniversary with John. I'm not ready to be friends with him. I'm not ready to see him and not cry. He keeps wanting to make sure I'm "okay." Every time he asks me, I tell him the truth. I'm not okay. I'm not okay with him leaving, I'm not okay with all of this. I'm not going to tell him I'm okay so he can feel better about doing what he did. It wasn't for the best or any of that bullshit. I guess it was for him and I guess if I read over what I wrote yesterday then it will be the best for me too, but I did not choose it this way.

(At this point I could use one of my Landmark Forum tricks and just choose it. There's a lot of freedom that comes from choosing what is. It's here, this is what it is, just choose it. But I don't feel like it at the moment.)

It's like I'm sick. I'm love-sick. And like any illness, it takes its course and then it's over. So I am still sick right now. Having a cold isn't personal. Having the mumps isn't personal, it's just the body being sick for whatever reason. I'm going to look at this love sickness in the same way. It's not me being weak. It's not that I just need to wash that man right out of my hair, it's that I have an illness and it will pass as I rest and take care of myself.

And I'll feel better. I know I will.

Stories that Heal

It turns out that it's really helpful for me to hear stories of other peoples' break ups and their recovery while I'm going through this time. When people share that they've been through this as well and are on the other side of it, it just reminds me that I'm going to be fine, which I don't really forget, but it's still helpful to hear.

It reminds me of when I was pregnant - I loved listening to other peoples' birth stories. I still love hearing about it. I loved hearing all of the details.

These stories all tend to be victorious at the end. The babies made it, the lovers survive. Survive and go on to thrive, actually. Those are the stories I'm hearing lately. I hear about how that break up although it was hard, was key to that person moving forward and that they did move forward. I don't hear about people backsliding - they tend to do better. The next one is better. Something that Swami Kripalu said is that yoga is anything that makes you thrive. Hmm. I knew this was yoga!

In the end, there's a big loss in all relationships as eventually somebody dies. Actually, we all do. But along the way we grow stronger and more aware and able to handle loss.

I have been a particularly bad sport about this one. I'm really bummed and not holding my head up and figuring I'll do better next time. I'm a sore loser. I'll see if I can't just turn that frown upside down :) very soon, but for the moment, I'm still in the dumps. Maybe the proximity to Valentines Day adds to the drama. It was our anniversary. Boohoo.

So thanks to the people coming to help me out with their break up stories. It reminds me of my humanness - I've been wanting so bad to transcend this and just feel better, but the truth is it sucks, it's sore, it hurts, and it is on the mend. So if you've got a good break up story, bring it on. I'm all ears.

Instructions from Friends

First of all let me say I've had some fun learning about the Enneagram. Check it out if you haven't yet. I think I'm a 7 but I haven't done the full test - just the cheapo quick test. I think it'll be neat to work with that. Second of all, let me say I love getting support from friends. This is good. I look forward to reading Holly's Great Break-Up Movie recommendations and then the idea of getting a crush on a movie star and watching all of their movies is something I'm gearing up for too. So thanks, Holly, send me that email soon.

As for email, here's one I got a few days ago that has helped me keep going (it didn't stop me from doing the habitual patterns I have running, but it did help me be aware that I was running them and that this will all be over soon). Here we go...

Okay Jamine, let me see if I can put my latest pep-talk succinctly here for you.

The main thing I think you need to visualize for yourself, in your search for a partner, is your EQUAL. You are a vibrant, smart, funny, loving, spiritual, sexy goddess who is ready, willing and able for a real partnership - physical, emotional, practical, spiritual, sexual.

Don't ignore your wisdom and instincts when you see red flags, thank all the work that you've done, all the relationships that you've been in, that allow you to know what does and doesn't, will and won't work for you. Run the other direction when you see addictions, unresolved relationships, narcissism. Look for someone (who you are damn attracted to physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc.) who is truly available for a full partnership with you and who can fully embrace Remi. Someone, who like you, has their shit together, can stand on their own two feet, knows themselves and what they're looking for. Someone you can TRUST and feel profoundly secure with. Only time will reveal this person to you but you must remember that your inner voice knows well when that person is NOT standing in front of you. Don't spend your time with that person when what you want is someone else - someone who does exist and who is also out there looking for you.

Talk soon, Love, Nina

I think I cried after I got that email. Probably. I've been crying after receiving lots of email and that would be a good one to cry about. In a good way. Feel free to replace my name with yours and print it out if it's helpful. I find it really inspiring. She's smart and has lots of experience at this - she's not making it up.

And Peter called from Rhode Island and happened to mention that I shouldn't let John get in the way of me finding other people, because there are loads of men who will want to be with me. I'm getting it. I remember from just over two years ago how this all went. I'm remembering my power and freedom...

That hasn't stopped me from wishing he'd change his mind and spare me the searching all over again. Let me love him and love me back and all of that. But I can tell he's scared and stubborn and whatever. I guess our timing is off and I'm meant for something else. And this was better than last time. And it will keep getting better. I do believe that.

Not Quite There Yet

Using my flight analogy, it turns out I had a connecting flight to make after I went through customs. In a bumpy, little plane. It went up, bumped around, went down. And NOW I'm on my way home. Whew. All that to say there was a little more drama yesterday involving texts, phone calls, escalating to face-to-face on a dark sidewalk in minus 10 with tears. Ooops.

I really, really don't like breaking up. I'd so much rather stay together and work things out. But that is not what is happening and I'm pleased to say that I'm not breaking up, we broke up already. It's already done and in the past. It actually had happened a long time ago but I wasn't with it (psychic) enough to understand what had happened. Nevermind.

I met with my coach today and confirmed that indeed, a break up occurred. I am grieving and moving on with my life. Bummer, but I'm getting closer to having what I want. Plus if I go back to the trip idea, I had a really good time. I enjoyed those 2 years. I had a great time a lot of the time! We laughed and were really fun together. Remi had fun.

My coach said I might enjoy the Enneagram. I'm checking it out. Another tool for transformation and creating distinctions so I can see myself.

From Darkness to Light

And from the unreal to the real...that's where gurus are supposed to take you. I had coffee with my guru, Torsten, this morning and he reminded me of that path that goes from darkness to light, as I was having a personal memory lapse while I tearily drank my coffee.

I'm paraphrasing...

"The suffering is caused by attachment, right? What's the opposite of attachment?"

"Freedom?" I sniffed.

"Yeah. Why don't you be your possibility of freedom?"

"Right. My possibility of freedom..." And I felt better instantly.

You've got to know in the background there's a ton of work that went into even knowing there was a possibility of freedom or a possibility of anything. Those were my Landmark days. Many of them with Torsten.

If I BE free(dom), then attachment isn't there. It's like if a light turns on, the dark goes away. Of course, when the light gets turned off, the dark comes back so it's not a forever thing in case you happen to be wondering why I'm not fixed yet.

This conversation happened over coffee after I met him at the new Astanga Studio opening on Bank St. It's a new place for an old studio, Downtown Yoga, in case you want to check it out. It's opening next week and it's going to be goregous.

I've been lining up Things to Do and People to See so I'm occupied and one of the old people who has reached out to me and has agreed to stop by later this week was at the coffeeshop at the same time! I haven't seen her in 3 years and we just emailed each other this morning about when we're getting together and there she was at the Bridgehead. Life's cool.

Slept Through The Night

I made it. I'm through. Reborn. Again. (And not for the last time I'm sure!) That was tough, to say the least.

Back to my flight analogy, that was a bumpy ride, but now I'm going through customs, returning home, declaring my gifts I got while I was away. I haven't gotten back to the house yet, but I've landed and I'm doing that stuff you do when you've arrived back in your hometown.

Something happens when I can finally stop making enemies with what IS. I've been resisting what has been going on for so long. This weekend I stopped doing that. As you may remember I bawled my eyes out all day Friday, I worked all day Saturday and then did a big meditation, worked all day yesterday and even saw John in the morning before class to drive him to the airport. Seeing him was like a taste of reality. I really like him, I even love him, but I can see we're not together as a couple and that we'll probably be good friends in the not-too-distant future. I saw where he lives from the outside and I could see that it's not with me and that gave me some insight, which gave me the power to see that that's how it is. And that's just how it is.

I'm not saying I like it. But actually, it's not even that bad today. I don't have a knot in my stomach, it's more like a quiver, as I said above, like I'm on the ground, getting into a car for the drive back to the house, not the big feeling I have when the plane's in turbulance or getting ready to land.

I got enough reminders during my week away in the DR that there is no cheese down that tunnel. So when I would catch myself wanting to call or connect or send another message or do some sort of obsessive outreach, I could stop in the past day or two. There's no reward there. It's not outside. Keep looking inside me. Keep going into that meditative space. It's there.

The higher states aren't addictive. The lower states are addictive and they keep pulling me back - it's that gravitational pull I described the other day. The higher, lighter states just are. They don't pull. This is all in the yoga sutras and I keep reading them, getting more and more insight that brings clarity to the situation, removing the darkness and ignorance and lets me see what's really going on. And what's really going on is without stress. It's just what's happening now.

So now my job is to look at the gifts I bought on this last trip (not the real trip, the emotional one I'm talking about), and take them to my specialist and see what they're about and determine their value and use them.

A Bit Better

Today was the first day that things started feeling a bit better. There's an end to this.

Yesterday I took John's dresser to him. Saw him, bawled my eyes out. All day. Cried because of hurts that haven't healed from my childhood. Cried because I'm scared. Cried because of concerns for my daughter's childhood. Cried because I can. Some people can't cry. I'm not one of them. Each realization I had made me cry. Luc told me he's impressed that I can cry and talk at the same time. Oh, I can cry and do lots of things at the same time. Crying's not a reason to stop doing anything in my opinion. I cry and drive all the time for instance. And I'm not always crying because I'm sad...but that's other times. These days if I'm crying it's because I'm sad/mad/scared, etc.

I got tons of insight. I'll have lots to do at my appointment next week. Anyways, yesterday I cried a lot and on top of it, I'd had about 4 hours of sleep, I'd had a 10-minute nap on the couch and drooled and had my hair pressed into my face and went to work to teach and people told me how good I looked. That's so funny. I had a glow. Must have been the tan and the weight I've lost from general depression and anxiety. Couldn't have been that I had been bawling my eyes out on and off continuously for 10 hours. Or maybe that was the secret...just let it all out and you glow. Could be...

I've learned that there's no way around the feelings. The way around is to go through them. So I don't even attempt to avoid the ones I can handle. Just feel them. They pass. They come back. They pass. I know there are others that are unfeelable but that's what life and therapists are for. I don't have to worry about the unfeelable ones. They won't go anywhere. They stay put until I'm ready. It's like stuff. It just sits there until I throw it out. Or file it and put it away.

There's so much I could babble about. I'm totally alive with feelings. Luc was doing his deeksha thing tonight and was talking directly to me about how even the hard times, no especially the hard times, have opportunities for healing and other stuff I don't remember at the moment. But it was a reminder that I'm on the right track. Don't resist what is. Feel what you feel. Denying it is repression. All the normal teachings, but the thing is, these are the hard ones to practice. I have been in resistance to what is for weeks and months now. So today I wasn't in resistance. I was even embracing it. My relationship is gone. I don't have a partner. I feel like clinging. I feel rejected. I feel angry. And then the sensations all buzz and then it all sizzles away and I'm just me. And then it comes back and I have to manage it again, but it's easier. And it even gets to be a bit interesting, like the sensation of going into hot water after being in ice cold water at the spa, or coming inside after being out in the cold for too long.

Not Okay

I'm not okay. I'm not okay with what's happening and with people and with everything right now. My latest thing is that the Shepherds of Good Hope installed a giant balcony at eye level with my place that is being used all day by guys standing outside and smoking. I took a picture when there was just one guy, but usually there are more. I have a call in to find out what is going on - just so I know what to expect. I'll be fine. Not to mention I still have a computer virus, my Mac mouse has crapped out again and I'm definitely being impacted by my environment. And we'll all be fine.

John's few remaining items are in my living room and I'm itching to get rid of his dresser (I'm mad) - the one he said he couldn't carry. We used to joke when he moved in with his 3 laundry baskets of stuff that it would take him a minute to move out. (Yes, it was a red flag at the time but I was smitten.) Then he bought a dresser and then he acquired a painting. We used to "joke" that when he moved out he'd take his dresser and his painting. Ha. Guess this has been coming for a while...

I'm angry and bitter, I cry a lot and yea, yea, I can zoom out to the orbit where this is fine, life is unfolding perfectly, but the gravitational pull of this sucks and I'm confused and hurt is too strong today. That's the planet I'm on. I'll have to use my yogic powers and transport myself to a new planet. I've got plans for that, don't you worry. Plus, next week I have Appointments.

Oh and yesterday I was still a bit confused - like, "what's going on? are we still seeing each other?" - because we did - and, "what about Valentines Day?" - our "anniversary" and my trainer says, "Jamine, did you read your blog? You guys broke up." I was dumbfounded. It's sinking in now. And my sister keeps reminding me that actions speak louder than words. "Look at actions, don't listen to the words because he's going to say what he thinks you want to hear, or anything that will keep you off his back."

And now I can get back to my Other Projects besides being in relationship - things I used to do when I was On My Own. Things like Another DVD. Things like a meditation CD. I got comfortable there for a while and I turned down my entrepreneurial spirit. Time to turn that back up. Channel my energy into expressing myself.

As John has said, "life goes on." And as Nina in Toronto reminded me yesterday, things will get better, way better.

I'm Back

While I was in the Dominican Republic, it cost $3 US for 15 minutes on the computer and I had to split that with my daughter for her to check her email too. Not to mention it was a slow connection and then the attendant was watching videos on youtube the whole time so bandwidth was tight. Now I'm just busy and don't have time for the big update.

Another thing that yoga teachers are supposed to be is good at relationships. And as a woman, I'm definitely supposed to be good at relationships (remember these are those unrealistic expectations - not what we're really supposed to be). I have some attachment to the idea that I'm number one, supposed to be in a relationship with a partner, and number two, that it's supposed to be a good one. A model relationship. An Obama relationship. And can you imagine what it must be like to be in relationship with me if those are my expectations? That's a lot of pressure...

I'm all about having an extraordinary life, including awesome relationships, and to be honest, I think I have that. I do have really mature, interesting, loving relationships all over the place in my life and I'm grateful for that. But I feel a tug of insufficiency when it looks like I'm in relationship breakdown and there's no ring and no joint bank account. I'll be giving that up shortly, but I'm just being honest with myself in realizing that I have it in my head that I'm not complete unless I'm all partnered up and it's peachy.

That might end up being a reality for me - in a woman's body at my age in my culture, whatever - I might really prefer to be partnered. But I'll be the first to tell you it doesn't say anything about who I am - whether I sleep alone or not. But of course I'm a hypocrite because I do believe I "should" have a great relationship and I won't stop until I "have" a great relationship. It's all unfolding...

Coming Home

I'm on my way home shortly. The weather has been spectacular. I didn't do much yoga but moped around a lot. I should have done more yoga and I know I would be feeling better now. I read a lot and sat around a lot and swam with my kid. But there was always something the background that has been bothering me. I'll be dealing with that soon...

That Was Not Ahimsa, Nor Aparigraha

I knew it as I was doing it that I shouldn't. And I think I probably even said out loud, "don't do it," as I reached for the key to the safe and pulled out my Blackberry. But you can tell I did it anyways. I fired up the old Berry and made some expensive, teary calls to John. He found a place, he signed a lease for a year. He wants to take a big step back, wants to get to know me again, wants me to learn what makes him tick. I was fuming when I read that. So much so that I marched over to my room and pulled out the key to the safe. I wanted to hear it for myself - that when I get back on Wednesday he will for sure not be there. I wanted to prepare.

And I know my pain body (see Eckhart Tolle) was hungry and ready for something to eat. It's like I've had that pain body all caged up and then there was a moment when the guard wasn't looking and it took off. Remi was playing with some new friends and I saw an opportunity and I took it. Yikes.

Compassion for myself...this morning I was reading Anthony De Mello and reminding myself that this time has an opportunity in it for me to learn about myself, which I'm doing. That attachment isn't love, in fact it's the opposite, and attachment is keeping me from experiencing true joy. Aaah, just want I want to hear. And he says that if you don't have the experience of being attached, you'll never know what it is to let go. Bring it on, Tony! So in the middle of being attached, watch it, drop it, know that it's a drug that's killing you. You go, girl, I mean, Tone!

So this is just a meditation practice I'm doing! Real life meditation and yoga. Totally off the mat. And sometimes the pose hurts. Sometimes I stop practising and I make the problem worse. Whooops. I don't meant to be mean, I just go unconscious and am trying to get out of pain. Nevermind that I'm just causing more pain...so today I'm being present and I'm noticing and I'm going to have a lot of fun with my daughter. We're going go-karting. Whoo-hoo!

I was trying to make it more difficult for John. I was trying to get him back for leaving me. For what happened before he left me. For not being who I wanted him to be. That was not ahimsa - it was totally himsa. And it's just going around and around, this cycle. I'll be off soon...