Sunday, February 1, 2009

That Was Not Ahimsa, Nor Aparigraha

I knew it as I was doing it that I shouldn't. And I think I probably even said out loud, "don't do it," as I reached for the key to the safe and pulled out my Blackberry. But you can tell I did it anyways. I fired up the old Berry and made some expensive, teary calls to John. He found a place, he signed a lease for a year. He wants to take a big step back, wants to get to know me again, wants me to learn what makes him tick. I was fuming when I read that. So much so that I marched over to my room and pulled out the key to the safe. I wanted to hear it for myself - that when I get back on Wednesday he will for sure not be there. I wanted to prepare.

And I know my pain body (see Eckhart Tolle) was hungry and ready for something to eat. It's like I've had that pain body all caged up and then there was a moment when the guard wasn't looking and it took off. Remi was playing with some new friends and I saw an opportunity and I took it. Yikes.

Compassion for myself...this morning I was reading Anthony De Mello and reminding myself that this time has an opportunity in it for me to learn about myself, which I'm doing. That attachment isn't love, in fact it's the opposite, and attachment is keeping me from experiencing true joy. Aaah, just want I want to hear. And he says that if you don't have the experience of being attached, you'll never know what it is to let go. Bring it on, Tony! So in the middle of being attached, watch it, drop it, know that it's a drug that's killing you. You go, girl, I mean, Tone!

So this is just a meditation practice I'm doing! Real life meditation and yoga. Totally off the mat. And sometimes the pose hurts. Sometimes I stop practising and I make the problem worse. Whooops. I don't meant to be mean, I just go unconscious and am trying to get out of pain. Nevermind that I'm just causing more today I'm being present and I'm noticing and I'm going to have a lot of fun with my daughter. We're going go-karting. Whoo-hoo!

I was trying to make it more difficult for John. I was trying to get him back for leaving me. For what happened before he left me. For not being who I wanted him to be. That was not ahimsa - it was totally himsa. And it's just going around and around, this cycle. I'll be off soon...


Lola said...

if it's too hard-a relationship-then that is a sign in itself:)
remember again, you are human and allowed all your feelings as you prepare to move forward (not back:)

Jamine said...

Thanks Lola,

Seems I'm a bit stunted in this relationship department. And I keep on going!