Friday, February 6, 2009

Not Okay

I'm not okay. I'm not okay with what's happening and with people and with everything right now. My latest thing is that the Shepherds of Good Hope installed a giant balcony at eye level with my place that is being used all day by guys standing outside and smoking. I took a picture when there was just one guy, but usually there are more. I have a call in to find out what is going on - just so I know what to expect. I'll be fine. Not to mention I still have a computer virus, my Mac mouse has crapped out again and I'm definitely being impacted by my environment. And we'll all be fine.

John's few remaining items are in my living room and I'm itching to get rid of his dresser (I'm mad) - the one he said he couldn't carry. We used to joke when he moved in with his 3 laundry baskets of stuff that it would take him a minute to move out. (Yes, it was a red flag at the time but I was smitten.) Then he bought a dresser and then he acquired a painting. We used to "joke" that when he moved out he'd take his dresser and his painting. Ha. Guess this has been coming for a while...

I'm angry and bitter, I cry a lot and yea, yea, I can zoom out to the orbit where this is fine, life is unfolding perfectly, but the gravitational pull of this sucks and I'm confused and hurt is too strong today. That's the planet I'm on. I'll have to use my yogic powers and transport myself to a new planet. I've got plans for that, don't you worry. Plus, next week I have Appointments.

Oh and yesterday I was still a bit confused - like, "what's going on? are we still seeing each other?" - because we did - and, "what about Valentines Day?" - our "anniversary" and my trainer says, "Jamine, did you read your blog? You guys broke up." I was dumbfounded. It's sinking in now. And my sister keeps reminding me that actions speak louder than words. "Look at actions, don't listen to the words because he's going to say what he thinks you want to hear, or anything that will keep you off his back."

And now I can get back to my Other Projects besides being in relationship - things I used to do when I was On My Own. Things like Another DVD. Things like a meditation CD. I got comfortable there for a while and I turned down my entrepreneurial spirit. Time to turn that back up. Channel my energy into expressing myself.

As John has said, "life goes on." And as Nina in Toronto reminded me yesterday, things will get better, way better.

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