Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day and I'm going to keep myself occupied. This is so hard of a day seeing as how it's my anniversary with John. I'm not ready to be friends with him. I'm not ready to see him and not cry. He keeps wanting to make sure I'm "okay." Every time he asks me, I tell him the truth. I'm not okay. I'm not okay with him leaving, I'm not okay with all of this. I'm not going to tell him I'm okay so he can feel better about doing what he did. It wasn't for the best or any of that bullshit. I guess it was for him and I guess if I read over what I wrote yesterday then it will be the best for me too, but I did not choose it this way.

(At this point I could use one of my Landmark Forum tricks and just choose it. There's a lot of freedom that comes from choosing what is. It's here, this is what it is, just choose it. But I don't feel like it at the moment.)

It's like I'm sick. I'm love-sick. And like any illness, it takes its course and then it's over. So I am still sick right now. Having a cold isn't personal. Having the mumps isn't personal, it's just the body being sick for whatever reason. I'm going to look at this love sickness in the same way. It's not me being weak. It's not that I just need to wash that man right out of my hair, it's that I have an illness and it will pass as I rest and take care of myself.

And I'll feel better. I know I will.

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