Monday, February 9, 2009

Slept Through The Night

I made it. I'm through. Reborn. Again. (And not for the last time I'm sure!) That was tough, to say the least.

Back to my flight analogy, that was a bumpy ride, but now I'm going through customs, returning home, declaring my gifts I got while I was away. I haven't gotten back to the house yet, but I've landed and I'm doing that stuff you do when you've arrived back in your hometown.

Something happens when I can finally stop making enemies with what IS. I've been resisting what has been going on for so long. This weekend I stopped doing that. As you may remember I bawled my eyes out all day Friday, I worked all day Saturday and then did a big meditation, worked all day yesterday and even saw John in the morning before class to drive him to the airport. Seeing him was like a taste of reality. I really like him, I even love him, but I can see we're not together as a couple and that we'll probably be good friends in the not-too-distant future. I saw where he lives from the outside and I could see that it's not with me and that gave me some insight, which gave me the power to see that that's how it is. And that's just how it is.

I'm not saying I like it. But actually, it's not even that bad today. I don't have a knot in my stomach, it's more like a quiver, as I said above, like I'm on the ground, getting into a car for the drive back to the house, not the big feeling I have when the plane's in turbulance or getting ready to land.

I got enough reminders during my week away in the DR that there is no cheese down that tunnel. So when I would catch myself wanting to call or connect or send another message or do some sort of obsessive outreach, I could stop in the past day or two. There's no reward there. It's not outside. Keep looking inside me. Keep going into that meditative space. It's there.

The higher states aren't addictive. The lower states are addictive and they keep pulling me back - it's that gravitational pull I described the other day. The higher, lighter states just are. They don't pull. This is all in the yoga sutras and I keep reading them, getting more and more insight that brings clarity to the situation, removing the darkness and ignorance and lets me see what's really going on. And what's really going on is without stress. It's just what's happening now.

So now my job is to look at the gifts I bought on this last trip (not the real trip, the emotional one I'm talking about), and take them to my specialist and see what they're about and determine their value and use them.

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