Thursday, February 5, 2009

I'm Back

While I was in the Dominican Republic, it cost $3 US for 15 minutes on the computer and I had to split that with my daughter for her to check her email too. Not to mention it was a slow connection and then the attendant was watching videos on youtube the whole time so bandwidth was tight. Now I'm just busy and don't have time for the big update.

Another thing that yoga teachers are supposed to be is good at relationships. And as a woman, I'm definitely supposed to be good at relationships (remember these are those unrealistic expectations - not what we're really supposed to be). I have some attachment to the idea that I'm number one, supposed to be in a relationship with a partner, and number two, that it's supposed to be a good one. A model relationship. An Obama relationship. And can you imagine what it must be like to be in relationship with me if those are my expectations? That's a lot of pressure...

I'm all about having an extraordinary life, including awesome relationships, and to be honest, I think I have that. I do have really mature, interesting, loving relationships all over the place in my life and I'm grateful for that. But I feel a tug of insufficiency when it looks like I'm in relationship breakdown and there's no ring and no joint bank account. I'll be giving that up shortly, but I'm just being honest with myself in realizing that I have it in my head that I'm not complete unless I'm all partnered up and it's peachy.

That might end up being a reality for me - in a woman's body at my age in my culture, whatever - I might really prefer to be partnered. But I'll be the first to tell you it doesn't say anything about who I am - whether I sleep alone or not. But of course I'm a hypocrite because I do believe I "should" have a great relationship and I won't stop until I "have" a great relationship. It's all unfolding...

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