I missed blogging here

Since I moved my blog, I haven't been blogging. That's funny. I integrated my blog with my main web site and then I got shy. I didn't want my "customers" having to read my daily surprises I guess. Or I thought my daily a-has or updates on my love life would be not professional, which they're not, so back to my personal space for moment.

It's Sunday morning - time for me to get ready to teach yoga. The house is quiet, it's still outside too, and it's a special time for me as I get ready to be one of the few cars on the road heading to a place where the people who show up are really special too. To get up and be at a yoga class on Sunday morning really takes something. And to do it regularly instead of laying around or having a coffee in bed, doing a crossword or whatever people do when they lay around in bed, I think says a lot about those people.

I recently got a new boyfriend, which feels amazing, and the urge to lay around in bed on Sunday morning instead of getting up to teach yoga is so strong that I made sure I was alone last night. I hate having to fight with myself to get up. I prefer to bounce out of bed and get on with my day. Feeling torn may have some romantic ring to it, but it feels crappy to me, so I just nipped it in the bud and said, "No. I want to be alone Sunday morning."

I never meant to teach yoga every Sunday morning for 10 years. I meant to do it temporarily until I had my personal life settle and then I'd go back to having weekends. It's been at least a decade since I had weekends in my life. Now I feel that pull to have a weekend again and maybe if things work out, I'll have my dream of being able to quit teaching yoga Sunday morning so I can remember what people do that's lazy and makes it Sunday morning. But these are early days and I'm up and out of here to teach my class...

Partner Yoga

My sister and I led Partner Yoga on Friday night as we've been doing off and on for the past nine years or so. I love the group that shows up for Partner Yoga. There are often some keen yogis, some people looking for something fun to do on a Friday night, and invariably somebody's bringing their boyfriend who's never done yoga before.

This Friday night someone else showed up. It wasn't a big deal at all but it was interesting given why I started this blog in the first place. One of the guys who showed up I'd met before through an online dating site. It was well over a year ago and we didn't date, we only met one time but it was funny. I didn't go up to him and draw attention to the fact that we'd met before. I didn't know what his deal was with what appeared to be his happy relationship and I thought it would be rude so I just said hi and left it at that.

It reminded me though that it's been awhile since I've branched out into the dating realm. I sort of recoiled a while ago and have stayed in that position. I get nervous and weird so I've just left it out for what I suppose is a long time.

It was nice to see someone showing up and obviously having fun with his partner in my class. One of these days I want to take a Partner Yoga class rather than give it ;)

The Best Place to Be

I really believe that the best place to be is where you are. And I don't mean in geographical space. Of course it's rotten in Haiti and other parts of the world right now. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about internal realms. If you know where you are, then things line up - you come into alignment - and things flow more freely.

One of the best ways to find out where we are is to look at areas of unconsciousness, or where you're being "inauthentic." Look around your life and find a place where energy is not moving freely, where you're stuck and where you think you shouldn't be. Like I think I should be "further along" in relationships and thinking I should be that way is an "inauthenticity" or is unconscious thinking. I think all sorts of things, I have lots of beliefs about my life and about how it's not going the way that it should. And again, I've got lots of areas that work and where I'm not bothered. But that's not what this post is about.

So when I get present to where I really am, thanks to that area of unconsciousness that allows me to see myself, I can just be there. (In the Landmark Education it would be to be authentic about an inauthenticity.) Maybe have a cry, maybe just look around, but notice that I wish things were different, that I have expectations of things being other than they are, and just that, the noticing of where I am frees me up. And when I look at where I am, in this case in the area of relationships, and I see that I feel like I'm not as skilled as I think I should be, I just see a place where I'm adding suffering that I don't have to. I see that that's how I feel, that I'm holding myself to expectations of things that are not how they are, and poof! the suffering disappears and I feel freed up.

It doesn't usually last. To blast the mountain out of the way I'm going to have to use many sticks of dynamite, but it's a process of chipping away at it. Sometimes the blast is the final one and the thing disappears, the obstacle is removed. But usually it's a gradual hammering away at the thing. And it feels good to blast a bit of unconsciousness away for a bit. Because the thing about being present is it's the same no matter what the circumstances are. So being present in a place where I feel lousy feels just as good as being present in an area where I feel good. Present is present. It's how good times can happen even in the midst of normally lousy external circumstances.

The other thing about being exactly where you are, no matter where that is, is it's very attractive to other people. When you can just simply be where you are, and really own the place you're in without blame or judgement or self-criticism, other people find it nice to be around.There's something so refreshing about being with somebody who just is where they are, especially if it's a place that normally is associated with misery or doubt. When someone is awake in their own discomfort, we trust them, we like them, we want to be in that place too.

So this morning I had some moments of feeling unconscious and small and I was able to see it, see what I was doing to myself and how I didn't need to do that and poof! it passed and I feel my power is restored and I'm back to balance. For now! Balance will need to be restored again, but for this time right now, I am present and good with myself in an area that I tend to judge myself about. What a nice break.

Yoga App

So you know I've been working on a yoga app for the iPhone and iPod Touch. And it's just sort of in the background. I'm not thinking about it all the time or obsessing about it. I'm just making plans quietly for it and appointments and going to work on it and it's coming along. Not like other things in my life, which I think about and don't plan for and get all excited and weird and everything (see the karma installation below).

And yesterday I actually got tentative funding to make this thing happen. I've got some paperwork to do and a couple of hoops to jump through, but I'm quite confident that I can muster up those things and get the thing approved. And then there will be people helping me and you'll hear more about it, because there will be something to show and talk about.

But that's not what I think about. I think about what's not working. I don't focus on what is working. Hmm. Interesting. It's what I think I want that I don't have that I worry about. That's what takes up my mental space a lot of the time.

I know I'm not alone in this mental pattern. I get emails all the time and all sorts of messaging from motivational speakers wanting to coach me into focusing on being positive or something. There's some big Secret - I know - I watched it, read it, blogged about it, appreciated it even. And still, I think about what's not working. Or I just think about what I think about and sometimes it's in a state of working, and sometimes it's in a state of not working.

Sometimes it's pleasant. Sometimes it's unpleasant. That's life.

Lying and Cheating

I was catching up on some local blogs and came across this posting about men cheating on women, especially in the context of the Jon and Kate show. I don't watch that show but I do live in a world where it seems like men cheating on women is just one of those things we all have to live with and it irritates me also. I know women cheat too, but I don't. I'm much more of a "let's talk about what's going on" kind of person, as you can well imagine.

There's something about being lied to that is so offensive to me. The truth is always manageable on some level. Reality is manageable. And if I step back and take that for truth, then the truth of being lied to is also manageable. When the liar won't admit his lies, then sometimes I have to just breathe, and notice how smart I am for being a great lie detector, and notice that I'm being lied to, where do I feel that in my body, and go on with my day.

I'm pretty sure I was lied to last night. He couldn't help it.

It was towards the end of our relationship that I became aware that there were cover-ups and some scheming. So I'm a bit familiar with that laugh, the looking away, the denying words, and I'm learning to trust my gut. Now, his lying doesn't matter to me on this side of the relationship. It matters a bit in that we're forging a "friendship" and I guess my friends might lie to me and I wouldn't notice. And I know that his potential lie, because that's what it is, I only have his word, which I don't believe, came in response to a pointed question from me that I suspect he was uncomfortable answering, which is why the potential lie came out. To not break the conversation, to keep going with the flow, to protect his privacy, whatever. So I accept that I asked a pointed question that was perhaps none of my business. And I accept perhaps if I don't want to be lied to I could avoid asking things that will generate lies. But I don't like walking on egg shells or dancing around topics. The truth feels so much better.

And until the potential lie is admitted or I come around to believing his words, I'm feeling lied to. And that feels like betrayal and like a knot in my stomach and like waking up early and not peaceful or giving me peace of mind. So I pull back and see the pattern, notice the sensations, and the "wow, it feels like I've been lied to," and not make it mean anything. He was put on the spot, he lied to save face, to try and spare my feelings (knowing all the while I'd rather hear the truth than the lies but nevermind), I poked around, and it's not the end of the world.

It drives me crazy when people won't admit the actions they've done unless they're faced with proof - this is the case of what happened during my days at/with Kripalu. The guru didn't admit what he'd done at the time. Over and over he was asked and he denied it until he was faced with a smoking gun. Then he admitted it. He got away with it for a long time. Finally he had to tell the truth and it's the truth that sets you free. Reality is manageable. But the damage done during the period of denial is slow to heal. Same thing in any relationship. Being lied to, telling lies, is toxic and when it stops, even if the truth is ugly and shameful and disturbing, healing can happen.

I Saw God the Other Day

I heard this on the radio yesterday at lunch. Although I missed the interview on Tapestry, I caught the song and it was really moving. So I'm sharing it with you here.

He's basically saying, "we're all god." And the music is great. I hope you like it too.

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I was thinking earlier about how what I'm trying to do now in my life is something I learned back in my training at the Young Drivers of Canada (I can still hear the ad ringing in my ears). What I learned in driving lessons is "look where you want the car to go." If you look to the side or in the rear view mirror for too long, you'll get in an accident. So you look where you want the car to go and it'll go there. (Provided you've got your foot on the gas instead of the break, etc. There's another yoga for living metaphor too - don't keep your foot on the brake while you've got your foot on the gas.)

I'm trying to keep my attention on where I want to go, not where I've been, especially recently. I want to go ahead. I may have stopped and rubbernecked a bit today, but oh well, we can't be driving all the time. So I'm back on the road, looking ahead.

Completion, Landmark Style

I had two really great conversations in the past few hours. I spoke to my buddy in Montreal, Jason, who heard my brief description of my situation and "got" it and helped me see how I had given my power away, maintaining my status as "victim" and that it's very ordinary. Who he knows me to be is extraordinary and without making me wrong, he reminded me that there's a place I've been where I'm responsible in my life.

He also helped me identify that it's a bummer when you break your word and I had given my word to this relationship, and like many a leader, I held on longer than I should have and could have let go a while ago. He said some other things but I was a bit teary and I didn't remember it all.

Then this morning I spoke to my other buddy, Suzanne, and she reminded me that in order to be "complete" there are some things I probably still had to say to John and they're the things I'm thankful for. Aargh. I don't want to write a letter saying what I loved about him because I'm all mad and hurt and stuff. She said doing it would make me feel better and she was right. And then I remembered that when I'm really "complete" with someone, there's a healthy connection. Completion creates connection.

So I wrote the letter. I cried as I was writing. "Thanks for being so great, blah, blah, blah." It was very touching. And I got to the point where I could be responsible for having been so vulnerable and giving my power away, creating big expectations that could not be met. I created that. I made the situation be the way it was and I'm responsible for how I was. (Guys, that's different than being at fault and I'm not taking the blame here, I'm restoring my power.)

And I got the big love I have for him. And I got how grateful I am to have had him in my life - he's a super, funny, intelligent, creative man, and if you ever get to meet him, you'll see what I mean.

And there was no way I was going to get my needs met in that relationship. Not a chance. So what I can see now, thanks to having been in that relationship, is what my standards are. Where my next relationship needs to begin. What a huge gift! Suzanne said I come out a winner in this one. I know where I need to begin and what needs to be present before I get involved. I want an intimate relationship, no question. And there's no question I'm going to have it.

She said don't take a year or two getting over this one. Just get complete. Write him. Write him some more. Thank him. Be grateful and it will be over faster. She's totally right.

I feel better! I feel more open to life!

Okay, I'm on a bit of a high, but it's partly because I've been so down. Like really down. And to feel a bit up is like, well, it's really nice. And to feel the love I have had for someone, who has been so important to me, even though it "didn't work out," is a great feeling. It touches me and inspires me. I was really loved by him and I really loved him. No doubt about that and it feels good to be in that space, nevermind the results or how it looks on the outside. On the inside, I'm present to love and it doesn't have to show up in a particular way at all. It's just love.

And the next time I walk by where he works or we used to go or whatever triggers me, I might get triggered. That will likely happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy this nice, clean feeling.

Stories that Heal

It turns out that it's really helpful for me to hear stories of other peoples' break ups and their recovery while I'm going through this time. When people share that they've been through this as well and are on the other side of it, it just reminds me that I'm going to be fine, which I don't really forget, but it's still helpful to hear.

It reminds me of when I was pregnant - I loved listening to other peoples' birth stories. I still love hearing about it. I loved hearing all of the details.

These stories all tend to be victorious at the end. The babies made it, the lovers survive. Survive and go on to thrive, actually. Those are the stories I'm hearing lately. I hear about how that break up although it was hard, was key to that person moving forward and that they did move forward. I don't hear about people backsliding - they tend to do better. The next one is better. Something that Swami Kripalu said is that yoga is anything that makes you thrive. Hmm. I knew this was yoga!

In the end, there's a big loss in all relationships as eventually somebody dies. Actually, we all do. But along the way we grow stronger and more aware and able to handle loss.

I have been a particularly bad sport about this one. I'm really bummed and not holding my head up and figuring I'll do better next time. I'm a sore loser. I'll see if I can't just turn that frown upside down :) very soon, but for the moment, I'm still in the dumps. Maybe the proximity to Valentines Day adds to the drama. It was our anniversary. Boohoo.

So thanks to the people coming to help me out with their break up stories. It reminds me of my humanness - I've been wanting so bad to transcend this and just feel better, but the truth is it sucks, it's sore, it hurts, and it is on the mend. So if you've got a good break up story, bring it on. I'm all ears.

Slept Through The Night

I made it. I'm through. Reborn. Again. (And not for the last time I'm sure!) That was tough, to say the least.

Back to my flight analogy, that was a bumpy ride, but now I'm going through customs, returning home, declaring my gifts I got while I was away. I haven't gotten back to the house yet, but I've landed and I'm doing that stuff you do when you've arrived back in your hometown.

Something happens when I can finally stop making enemies with what IS. I've been resisting what has been going on for so long. This weekend I stopped doing that. As you may remember I bawled my eyes out all day Friday, I worked all day Saturday and then did a big meditation, worked all day yesterday and even saw John in the morning before class to drive him to the airport. Seeing him was like a taste of reality. I really like him, I even love him, but I can see we're not together as a couple and that we'll probably be good friends in the not-too-distant future. I saw where he lives from the outside and I could see that it's not with me and that gave me some insight, which gave me the power to see that that's how it is. And that's just how it is.

I'm not saying I like it. But actually, it's not even that bad today. I don't have a knot in my stomach, it's more like a quiver, as I said above, like I'm on the ground, getting into a car for the drive back to the house, not the big feeling I have when the plane's in turbulance or getting ready to land.

I got enough reminders during my week away in the DR that there is no cheese down that tunnel. So when I would catch myself wanting to call or connect or send another message or do some sort of obsessive outreach, I could stop in the past day or two. There's no reward there. It's not outside. Keep looking inside me. Keep going into that meditative space. It's there.

The higher states aren't addictive. The lower states are addictive and they keep pulling me back - it's that gravitational pull I described the other day. The higher, lighter states just are. They don't pull. This is all in the yoga sutras and I keep reading them, getting more and more insight that brings clarity to the situation, removing the darkness and ignorance and lets me see what's really going on. And what's really going on is without stress. It's just what's happening now.

So now my job is to look at the gifts I bought on this last trip (not the real trip, the emotional one I'm talking about), and take them to my specialist and see what they're about and determine their value and use them.

A Bit Better

Today was the first day that things started feeling a bit better. There's an end to this.

Yesterday I took John's dresser to him. Saw him, bawled my eyes out. All day. Cried because of hurts that haven't healed from my childhood. Cried because I'm scared. Cried because of concerns for my daughter's childhood. Cried because I can. Some people can't cry. I'm not one of them. Each realization I had made me cry. Luc told me he's impressed that I can cry and talk at the same time. Oh, I can cry and do lots of things at the same time. Crying's not a reason to stop doing anything in my opinion. I cry and drive all the time for instance. And I'm not always crying because I'm sad...but that's other times. These days if I'm crying it's because I'm sad/mad/scared, etc.

I got tons of insight. I'll have lots to do at my appointment next week. Anyways, yesterday I cried a lot and on top of it, I'd had about 4 hours of sleep, I'd had a 10-minute nap on the couch and drooled and had my hair pressed into my face and went to work to teach and people told me how good I looked. That's so funny. I had a glow. Must have been the tan and the weight I've lost from general depression and anxiety. Couldn't have been that I had been bawling my eyes out on and off continuously for 10 hours. Or maybe that was the secret...just let it all out and you glow. Could be...

I've learned that there's no way around the feelings. The way around is to go through them. So I don't even attempt to avoid the ones I can handle. Just feel them. They pass. They come back. They pass. I know there are others that are unfeelable but that's what life and therapists are for. I don't have to worry about the unfeelable ones. They won't go anywhere. They stay put until I'm ready. It's like stuff. It just sits there until I throw it out. Or file it and put it away.

There's so much I could babble about. I'm totally alive with feelings. Luc was doing his deeksha thing tonight and was talking directly to me about how even the hard times, no especially the hard times, have opportunities for healing and other stuff I don't remember at the moment. But it was a reminder that I'm on the right track. Don't resist what is. Feel what you feel. Denying it is repression. All the normal teachings, but the thing is, these are the hard ones to practice. I have been in resistance to what is for weeks and months now. So today I wasn't in resistance. I was even embracing it. My relationship is gone. I don't have a partner. I feel like clinging. I feel rejected. I feel angry. And then the sensations all buzz and then it all sizzles away and I'm just me. And then it comes back and I have to manage it again, but it's easier. And it even gets to be a bit interesting, like the sensation of going into hot water after being in ice cold water at the spa, or coming inside after being out in the cold for too long.

Not Okay

I'm not okay. I'm not okay with what's happening and with people and with everything right now. My latest thing is that the Shepherds of Good Hope installed a giant balcony at eye level with my place that is being used all day by guys standing outside and smoking. I took a picture when there was just one guy, but usually there are more. I have a call in to find out what is going on - just so I know what to expect. I'll be fine. Not to mention I still have a computer virus, my Mac mouse has crapped out again and I'm definitely being impacted by my environment. And we'll all be fine.

John's few remaining items are in my living room and I'm itching to get rid of his dresser (I'm mad) - the one he said he couldn't carry. We used to joke when he moved in with his 3 laundry baskets of stuff that it would take him a minute to move out. (Yes, it was a red flag at the time but I was smitten.) Then he bought a dresser and then he acquired a painting. We used to "joke" that when he moved out he'd take his dresser and his painting. Ha. Guess this has been coming for a while...

I'm angry and bitter, I cry a lot and yea, yea, I can zoom out to the orbit where this is fine, life is unfolding perfectly, but the gravitational pull of this sucks and I'm confused and hurt is too strong today. That's the planet I'm on. I'll have to use my yogic powers and transport myself to a new planet. I've got plans for that, don't you worry. Plus, next week I have Appointments.

Oh and yesterday I was still a bit confused - like, "what's going on? are we still seeing each other?" - because we did - and, "what about Valentines Day?" - our "anniversary" and my trainer says, "Jamine, did you read your blog? You guys broke up." I was dumbfounded. It's sinking in now. And my sister keeps reminding me that actions speak louder than words. "Look at actions, don't listen to the words because he's going to say what he thinks you want to hear, or anything that will keep you off his back."

And now I can get back to my Other Projects besides being in relationship - things I used to do when I was On My Own. Things like Another DVD. Things like a meditation CD. I got comfortable there for a while and I turned down my entrepreneurial spirit. Time to turn that back up. Channel my energy into expressing myself.

As John has said, "life goes on." And as Nina in Toronto reminded me yesterday, things will get better, way better.

I'm Back

While I was in the Dominican Republic, it cost $3 US for 15 minutes on the computer and I had to split that with my daughter for her to check her email too. Not to mention it was a slow connection and then the attendant was watching videos on youtube the whole time so bandwidth was tight. Now I'm just busy and don't have time for the big update.

Another thing that yoga teachers are supposed to be is good at relationships. And as a woman, I'm definitely supposed to be good at relationships (remember these are those unrealistic expectations - not what we're really supposed to be). I have some attachment to the idea that I'm number one, supposed to be in a relationship with a partner, and number two, that it's supposed to be a good one. A model relationship. An Obama relationship. And can you imagine what it must be like to be in relationship with me if those are my expectations? That's a lot of pressure...

I'm all about having an extraordinary life, including awesome relationships, and to be honest, I think I have that. I do have really mature, interesting, loving relationships all over the place in my life and I'm grateful for that. But I feel a tug of insufficiency when it looks like I'm in relationship breakdown and there's no ring and no joint bank account. I'll be giving that up shortly, but I'm just being honest with myself in realizing that I have it in my head that I'm not complete unless I'm all partnered up and it's peachy.

That might end up being a reality for me - in a woman's body at my age in my culture, whatever - I might really prefer to be partnered. But I'll be the first to tell you it doesn't say anything about who I am - whether I sleep alone or not. But of course I'm a hypocrite because I do believe I "should" have a great relationship and I won't stop until I "have" a great relationship. It's all unfolding...

How it Goes

So yesterday I had lunch with John as we had planned. It was really nice. I told him that I'm the kind of partner that could weather any storm and that this was perhaps a bumpy path and all he would have to do is let me know he wanted me and I'm there.

He sent me a lovely text message after we'd had lunch and when I noticed that some postcards had come from Hallmark in my inbox on my Blackberry I wondered who they were from. John's not the e-card kind of guy in my experience but these are new days and maybe we're turning over a new leaf, so when I got home I attempted to open the attachment on my computer.

This morning I am still cleaning up the virus that was put on my computer in my lame attempt to feel loved. I opened an attachment I would have never normally touched because I was thinking my lover was sending me sweet messages and was coming back to me in some way. As John said in response when I told him what had happened, "that about sums up our relationship," or something like that. I protested, but there you have it. That's how it goes.

Basket Case (asana)

(These pictures have nothing to do with the posting. They have everything to do with being a response to MC's posting on her blog today about red socks. I was wearing red socks when I read it! So here are just a few from my collection. One day I'll do a posting about socks and I really have somethings to say about socks and mothers and love. And if you look closely at the second pair you'll see the Cat in the Hat.)

I like it. Basketcaseasana. That's the pose I'm doing. I missed an appointment last week (I was actually supposed to be leading a class I teach infrequently), I yelled at my what do I call him, him, you know, in front of my daughter, I cried in front of people in a restaurant, I behaved inappropriately (although I'm sure that would totally depend on who you asked), I wailed, I threw things, I blogged, I've tried to be aware. But there you have it. I'm a basket case. I probably need therapy and in fact I've got calls in to my old guy who's covered and I just booked a session with my coach, who's not.

2009 sucks. That's what I have to say.

And as a Landmark buddy pointed out yesterday, I'm "on it." And he implied that I'd be somehow more powerful if I'd just "get off it." Of course, he's right and even by considering the idea of getting off it I felt a smidge better. But I am still on it you'll notice.

This morning I went completely mental after finding out information I knew would make me mental but I went and did it anyways (through snooping if you must know). Just so I could continue to do this pose (basketcaseasana). Really it was to just double check and make sure my spidey-senses are working, which they are, and that helps me to feel intact and better. It doesn't change that fact that snooping is stealing and that's really never okay even though it may be justified or it's understandable under the circumstances. So I stole info that I knew would drive me up the wall and then I went crazy for a few minutes in front of people I care about. Oops.

And that's really never okay either and it leaves an impression and good thing therapy is available for people of all ages because we're all going to need it in my shrinking family.

What's it all about is a question I can't answer. I do know that this is bringing me opportunities to work on my deep-seated issues of being abandoned and how to deal with the rage that surfaces when that's happening.

And normally I'm the leaver and I for sure could have been in this one but I watched myself switch to let myself be left, which brings up different stuff. Very interesting. By leaving in the past I didn't get to deal with this crap that is here while I stay put and be in the same house, same town, same freaking few blocks of it all going down. So there's some good stuff there to gnaw on.

So I'd love to say I'm super-strong and I'm done and sure and I'm moving on and you can't treat me like that but I'm very aware that if the right messages were left if the right texts were sent or the knock came at the door saying the right things, I would drop everything and resume working on it, as a couple though not just by myself this time. Alas, I know I am dreaming and there are 2 chances of that happening - slim and none. I feel a connection with all jilted lovers of the world, with all hopeful people wanting to change someone just a little bit so things would work out (driving the people they love crazy in the process). I'm a big fat loser too, but I'll have to come to my senses soon. This non-reality is a bit hard to keep fabricating to be honest. But my dream is strong and I am still trying to hold it as it begins to disappear...

Emotional Roller Coaster

We're getting off the roller coaster for a bit. He's moving out. Actually, he moved out already. And then I go and teach yoga and try to act like I'm okay, and don't answer when people say "how are you?" My job as a yoga teacher is to be a mirror so announcing to anyone what's going on in that department isn't something I'd normally do. As a yoga teacher I sort of get out of the way so I can just teach. But it has been hard. And sometimes, depending on the situation I do fill people in. I'm human, you know?

I thought this was it. I thought he was "the one." I thought our love was strong and we could make it. I bought the whole dream and I was so hoping it was coming true.

I could go into details about how terribly wrong things went and how far off the mark this relationship ended up. I could relay how intensely sad and tired I am from hanging on, which I was justifying as "taking a stand," and not giving up until it was painfully obvious I wasn't going to get my way no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to "create something from nothing" and allow the moment to be as it was. I tried breathing into those sensations in my stomach where it felt like I'd been kicked. I tried making sense of it. Of pleading, of trying to let go of trying to pull back so I could get to that place of "it's all good."

None of that is working. So what's happening is I'm plain old sad. And hurt, as you can appreciate. I'm not sure what to tell my daughter because I'm not really sure how this is going to go. He's acting like he'll be a good guy and stay connected and we'll just deal with this as we can when there's a flow in life. When there's a big roller coaster that we're on.

Reality is manageable. I want to see what happened and keep it separate from what I'm making it mean. What happened is I don't have the relationship that I wanted. What happened is this one didn't go the way I wanted it to. What happened is I'm alone again. And I can make that mean whatever I want. Honestly, I'm still making it mean I'm rotten in relationships, I'm too demanding, I'm being paid back for poor actions I've done in the past, and none of that really matters. None of it is going to bring back my dream. I'll make a new one though...

I know time will take care of this. I know it will get easier. I know my daughter will get over it. I know I'll be okay. But right now I feel so awful. I can't help it. I can try all of my mind-warping techniques, but the deal is that right now I'm overcome with sadness and grief.