Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lying and Cheating

I was catching up on some local blogs and came across this posting about men cheating on women, especially in the context of the Jon and Kate show. I don't watch that show but I do live in a world where it seems like men cheating on women is just one of those things we all have to live with and it irritates me also. I know women cheat too, but I don't. I'm much more of a "let's talk about what's going on" kind of person, as you can well imagine.

There's something about being lied to that is so offensive to me. The truth is always manageable on some level. Reality is manageable. And if I step back and take that for truth, then the truth of being lied to is also manageable. When the liar won't admit his lies, then sometimes I have to just breathe, and notice how smart I am for being a great lie detector, and notice that I'm being lied to, where do I feel that in my body, and go on with my day.

I'm pretty sure I was lied to last night. He couldn't help it.

It was towards the end of our relationship that I became aware that there were cover-ups and some scheming. So I'm a bit familiar with that laugh, the looking away, the denying words, and I'm learning to trust my gut. Now, his lying doesn't matter to me on this side of the relationship. It matters a bit in that we're forging a "friendship" and I guess my friends might lie to me and I wouldn't notice. And I know that his potential lie, because that's what it is, I only have his word, which I don't believe, came in response to a pointed question from me that I suspect he was uncomfortable answering, which is why the potential lie came out. To not break the conversation, to keep going with the flow, to protect his privacy, whatever. So I accept that I asked a pointed question that was perhaps none of my business. And I accept perhaps if I don't want to be lied to I could avoid asking things that will generate lies. But I don't like walking on egg shells or dancing around topics. The truth feels so much better.

And until the potential lie is admitted or I come around to believing his words, I'm feeling lied to. And that feels like betrayal and like a knot in my stomach and like waking up early and not peaceful or giving me peace of mind. So I pull back and see the pattern, notice the sensations, and the "wow, it feels like I've been lied to," and not make it mean anything. He was put on the spot, he lied to save face, to try and spare my feelings (knowing all the while I'd rather hear the truth than the lies but nevermind), I poked around, and it's not the end of the world.

It drives me crazy when people won't admit the actions they've done unless they're faced with proof - this is the case of what happened during my days at/with Kripalu. The guru didn't admit what he'd done at the time. Over and over he was asked and he denied it until he was faced with a smoking gun. Then he admitted it. He got away with it for a long time. Finally he had to tell the truth and it's the truth that sets you free. Reality is manageable. But the damage done during the period of denial is slow to heal. Same thing in any relationship. Being lied to, telling lies, is toxic and when it stops, even if the truth is ugly and shameful and disturbing, healing can happen.

1 comment:

April said...

Luckily, I have never experienced the lying and cheating first hand, at least I don't think I have - perhaps that in itself is naive.
I have held the hands of many dear heartbroken friends who were forging ahead in life, building a home, family, career and thought that their partners were on the same page, had the same goals. They were wrong.
It's been my observation during relationship breakdowns that in most cases, the liar and/or cheater has chosen the easy way out. It is much easier, in my opinion, to destroy a relationship by having an affair, than having the courage to look your partner in the eye and tell them that you don't love them anymore. To 'pass the buck' so to speak. The liar/cheater then gets to stand back, watch everything fall apart, let the pieces fall where they might and then go on with what he/she was doing. Not a lot will change for the cheater as the primary goal all along may have been getting out of the relationship. The one left behind usually has to make all of the decisions and deal with the fallout of the coward's actions.
I`m not a fan of the cheater. I don`t have any patience, tolerance or respect for the cheater.
I can only hope to never be the cheater.