Practising Non-Attachment as a Parent

I remember learning about attachment before I became a parent. I didn't quite get it. I was young. I thought Buddha maybe just had a bad attitude and if he could shift his perspective, he'd see that suffering really was optional. Oh dear.

Then I became a mother. Now I know what attachment is. And let me tell you, not all attachment is bad. In fact, I used to say that if I wasn't attached to my daughter, I'm not sure how I would have kept taking care of her. So it serves a purpose...

So there I was, a practising non-attacher, having a kid, wanting her to be great, but not because I was forcing or pushing her, but because she was just turning out that way, through you know, her nature.

While she was little, we enrolled her in Suzuki violin. One of our yoga students was a Suzuki teacher and it made a lot of sense. I figured I'd be fighting, I mean interacting, with my daughter about something like dance or gymnastics classes, so it might as well be playing the violin. At least parents are involved and there's good communication and it's a pretty wholesome activity.

So my daughter was a "musician." She had an instrument and we had a purpose. We invested in lessons and music camp and pretty note drop earrings. We sat through hours of lessons and many more hours of practising at home in addition to arguing about practising and getting ready to go and spending time in traffic getting to, violin lessons. We did this for years.

I didn't realize how attached I'd become to being a parent of a little musician until one day she stopped playing. "What do you mean you're not going to play the violin anymore? We've spent thousands of dollars on this activity. What will you do instead? Don't you know that kids who are in the orchestra don't wind up in trouble at school?"

I kept the paraphernalia in a drawer and on shelves. The music books. Music stand. Extra shoulder and chin rests. Resin. Little things. And sort of let go of my attachment to my daughter being a musician. She dabbled in the bass and that was cool but she didn't really get back into it. Oh well. She used to be a musician. Now she just sits on the couch and plays on the computer. Oh well. She was probably too structured in the past. Oh well.

Years pass. She picks up modelling. The fashion kind. That freaked me out and I watched my attachment to her not being a model show up. "Just let it go. Pay for the photos. It's an activity. It's good she's doing something. Her hair looks really nice now and her make up sure is pretty. Allow her to be herself..."

Then I get the strangest text out of the blue last month. "Should I start doing violin again" was what it said. "Ok" was the reply and "it'll give me something to do after school." Wow. I contacted her most recent old teacher (not my yoga student) who said he had room and after a bumpy start, we're back at it. Saw her old teacher for the first time in years and it was like no time had passed. She even picked up sort of where she'd left off. His handwriting was still in the books and he could see where she'd ended a few years ago. This time it's so different though. She practises with her own initiation. She suggests it and asks me to be there but if I'm not, she still plays. Her sound is great and it's really nice to hear live music in the house again.

It's not finished but I'm just enjoying the bobbing of the waves. Up and down. Life. Parenting. It's wonderful.

ABC Guided Meditation

The other day while I was getting close to the end of a class, one of my regular students said, "hey Jamine, why don't you lie down and I'll lead you through the relaxation?" I told him this was his time and no, but he was serious so I got down on his mat and he sat on mine.

"This is the ABC meditation and it's what I do for myself sometimes. I go through the alphabet and think of something for each word.

"Close your eyes, let your body be comfortable." Then he slowly and quietly continued:

A. Aspiration. Think of what you want to be, who you're becoming.
B. Beauty. Think of the beauty all around you.
C. Calm. Be calm in this moment.
D. Devotion. Be devoted to your practice of yoga.
E. Equanimity. Be equinamous to whatever comes up.
F. Fulfilled. Allow your yoga practice to fulfill you.
G. Grateful. Think of all that you're grateful for.

And then he stopped and said, "That's it! Come back next week for the rest of the alphabet!" and we all cracked up.

I'm still learning from that moment a few days ago. I told them I feel I really got more than I gave in that class. What a wonderful treat. I'll report back with the rest of the alphabet as it unfolds...

On another note, this is the top I found to wear to the event that I wrote about last time. I like it!

Stressing out about Stress Reduction

It's amazing how stressful it can be to discuss stress reduction! Context is important here - talking to a hundred people I don't know - who are coming to a talk I'm giving for a Women's Leadership Development Series this Friday. I'm not so worried about the content - I've delivered it lots of times before - but usually to smaller groups and in a more comfortable setting.

What's killing me in the preparation is what to wear. I'm serious. I'm a yoga teacher! I used to manage a lululemon store so I've got tons of yoga pants and I'm really used to walking around in bare feet. As shoes, I have Blundstone boots. If I'm not wearing yoga pants, I have jeans or pyjamas on.

Here's my chance to get dressed up a bit and I'm freaking out! My life is built on being casual. I don't dye my hair, I have no callouses on my feet from uncomfortable shoes, and I'm not even sure if my iron works if I can actually find it. So I've been out shopping. I've gone everywhere from an outlet mall while I was in the States a couple of weeks ago to high end stores on Richmond Road to local malls and even Value Village. And I'm still not comfortable.

I've left my "styling" for so long that I really have no idea how I want to come across. I can get away with being a crazy yoga teacher with my pants rolled up and my ankle boots showing because I get into class and take that stuff off and make it work. But putting on a jacket? A suit? Polyester pants? This thing is happening on a Friday and that's casual day, isn't it? But I'm the presenter. Probably should be dressed up a bit.

I've been a self-employed yoga teacher for so long that any old "business casual" stuff is either way out of date, but less workable at the moment, is that stuff no longer fits. I've been in a happy relationship for a few years now and I'm bigger! My pants are usually super-stretchy so they've lasted the test of time, not so with my old business suits.

So what to wear... I've received good advice and I'm taking it. The latest thing someone said was Big Earrings. I barely wear jewelry anymore so I'll have to dig around to find something. I'm not going out and buying a suit I'll wear for one day. Plus it would need tailoring and it's getting too late for that.

As a mom I've spent so much money on getting my daughter new clothes that I've put my own clothes-buying on hold. It's no long an excuse but for years I spent time getting her new things and not for me. It hasn't mattered! But as a result, I'm not even sure where I'd shop if I were into it and had the cash. I'm not even sure what I'd like to look like or what sort of style I'd even have if I wasn't just doing what had to be done. I am not fully self-expressed when it comes to clothes at the moment and I can't even remember a time when I was!

New page! I call turning a new page! I will look into finding a look!

Meditation and Brain Waves

It's not news that one of the reasons meditation feels so good is because we're changing the brainwave patterns from excess beta to moderate alpha and slower. I've even gone out and purchased a gadget that measures these things, but to my disappointment, the technology hasn't been that accurate or user-friendly on my computer as of yet.

I find it encouraging to read that more studies are being done on what's happening when we meditate so we can demystify the process, get it out of religions, where it seems to hover, and into a personal living room setting. Maybe even into a group yoga studio setting. It might even have a place on a massage table or other treatment room.

By being able to control where the mind is at, which frequencies it's resonating at, we will be able to increase the benefits of meditation - things like deeper relaxation, faster healing, less over-all symptoms of stress - and take out the spiritual blockages to meditation. Meditation can remain an integral part of Christian and Buddhist practices, but for people who want to relax without the accoutrements that come with having meditation in a spiritual setting, they'll have the feedback to see what their brains are up to, without needing a monk or yoga teacher to get them to believe it's good for them.

http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/02/14/controlling-brain-waves-may-be-key-to-meditations-benefits/51591.html

Chinese New Year

Yesterday was the last day of Chinese New Year and I know this because my next door neighbour told me last night. Being a yoga teacher who teaches on Sunday mornings, I don't go out much on Saturday nights and it's quite normal for me to be at home in the evenings. What I'm about to tell you is also not that unusual as I've lived here for almost 10 years and so have my neighbours, but last night was different.

I'm sitting on the couch watching 30 Rock reruns when there's a knock at the door around 8:30. I have a doorbell, so when someone knocks, I know it's a different thing. I go to the door and it's my next door neighbour with a big bowl of what looks like matzo ball soup. Li asks me if I've already eaten and here's some dessert. Li's given me food before but never dessert!

Not only had I already eaten, but I'd decided to make some chocolate cookies, and because I'd followed the recipe, I had made almost 48 of them. After eating half a dozen or so already, I was noticing my mistake and making a plan to freeze the rest of them, after I finished baking them all of course. So when Li was at the door I asked her to wait - I had something for her and I piled on almost a dozen hot cookies onto a plate and sent her back to her place.

I tucked into these hot sesame balls even though I was full because I figured I can't ignore the food that had just come as a gift after all. Fun taste! It was like taking a trip to an unfamiliar place.

A few minutes later there's another knock at the door. She's returning my plate but it's loaded with Chinese New Years candies on it. For heaven's sake. Relieved, I give her another plate of cookies - an excuse to get these things out of my house. She doesn't want to take the plate so she takes them in handfuls. She tells me her kids loved them, in fact James had eaten 5 of them (good boy). He daughter wants the recipe. I tell her the recipe is on the bag of chocolate chips. Even though she's been in Canada a long time, Li still asks, what's that? I show her the bag and I tell her I'll show Nikki how to make them after school one day.

So I'm feeling a bit fat this morning but it's good. The multi-plate dessert exchange was a night to remember and I was happy to have been home to be the recipient of the Chinese New Year goodwill.

You can't tell by looking but these have sweet sesame filling and are warm!

Thankfully, this is the only remaining cookie in my house. It was warm last night.

My Dad's Stuff

My dad died quite in the middle of doing things. He was not planning on going.

I've realized that it's in death that we drop our masks. What we've been hiding remains, unless we've been cleaning up all along. When we match our inner worlds with our outer worlds, there won't be so many messes when we're gone. My dad was a great guy but he kept things that didn't need keeping.

This past weekend in the Yoga Teacher Training I was teaching a bit about Saucha, or purity, and I was reminded of an event that had happened exactly a year ago...

We had heard that things had turned in my dad's health - he had cancer - and we should come right away. I spoke to him and told him I was on the way. I'd be there in two days. My father died while my sister and I were en route to visit him. So we got to Texas and our trip was different than we had been planning. Instead of a visit with him we were left with his stuff and dealing with what you have to deal with when someone close to you dies.

One of the days while we were down there was a holiday, so most things were closed and we didn't really have much to do so we thought we'd go open his storage locker we were told he had. My dad used to wear a fanny-pack and his keys were all attached to that. All of his keys. His friend told us he knew were the storage locker was and could take us there.

We drove out to the edge of town where he thought the storage place was, and sure enough, there was the slightly hidden driveway. When we got to the entrance, our father's friend left us. He only knew which place the storage locker was at because he drove my dad there every once in a while to drop off his checks to pay for it. He had no idea which locker it was. "Which way did he walk when he went to the locker?" we asked him. He didn't go to the locker - he just went to the office and dropped off the check.

We called the number on the closed office door to see if someone could let us know which locker of the hundreds on the site were our father's. They couldn't help us for one thing because they don't give out that kind of information to just anyone and second thing, the computer was in the office, not where we were calling.

We didn't have much else to do and it was just my sister and me with our little rental car and a whack of keys so we decided we'd hunt for it. "Do you think he'd have a big one or a little one?" "Which kind of lock do you think he used?" No clue. So we proceeded to go to each locker and try each key. Maybe this wasn't even the right place. Maybe he didn't have a locker or it was inside. Who knows.

As we went up and down the gravel roads of lockers trying each rusty lock a few times with different keys we started to imagine what could be so important that he'd have a locker even though he had a home with plenty of space. Maybe this would be our inheritance. Maybe he's got something really interesting to leave us. Maybe he'd been secretly stashing collections that would have value. Maybe it's full of good things we can sell or use.

Finally, at practically the last locker, at the last corner we turned, my sister yelled out that she'd found it. This is the one. We took a big breath. This was it. My dad's treasures. His secrets for us.

So you can already imagine or scroll down and see the pictures of what we found. A big bag of nothing. Old computer parts. Old ones. Dusty photo albums that were damaged from water and rodent excrement. A bar stool. Broken fishing rods that hadn't been used in years. That was my dad. It couldn't have been any other way, of course. It had to be that way. That's just how we was and we loved him.

But really? Come on, Dad. You spent money you didn't have every month to keep this pile you couldn't confront and sort through. Maybe if we had visited Texas a year earlier we could have helped clean it out when he could tell us what was special about each thing. But we didn't do that.

So I came home to my mom and family here saying please clean out your stuff now - tell us what's important so we can know why you kept what you did. Where are the keys to the motorcycle and the house and where is the important stuff? Do you have insurance? Where are the papers we need? I want to make sure I leave a trail so my loved ones can know what I meant and was up to.

In the end of course it doesn't matter. Clean up or don't. But if you clean up while you can, you may get to experience the satisfaction that comes when you align yourself, the energy that's freed up when you know where things go. When you know what you have and you don't keep more than you can handle.

After the trip out to Texas to attend my father's funeral and handle some of his affairs, I came home with a strong message for everyone in my family - Please Clean Up Your Stuff So We Don't Have To Do It When You're Dead. It's a drag.

It's been a year exactly since we were down there saying goodbye to my dad. Since that time I notice him all over the place. In the newspaper Sudoko puzzles, in the spider plant like he used to keep in all his houses, in my memories of crazy experiences like the ones I just shared here. He's not gone, he's been converted, but shit, it would have been nice not to have had to clean up his big mess.

Living Yoga Starts Tomorrow Night

One of the best parts of teaching yoga is the stuff that's not what we think of normally as "yoga." When we talk about "yoga" around here, we usually mean doing stretching with our bodies. What's really cool though, is looking at other areas of our lives where we can stretch as well. Stretching into our habits and unconscious behaviours, lifting up old carpets and taking a peek at what's been hiding under there, making room for new energy in our lives turns out to be a lot of fun and seems to bring about good, smooth changes in our lives.

In this course, we look directly at the Yamas and Niyamas, the first two limbs of yoga, which many people have never even heard of, let alone practised. When we start to get into them though, they become very familiar and we notice things that have always been present in people as long as there have been people. These ancient teachings are very applicable in our modern lives. It's as though these ancient teachings are totally new and modern, providing people in today's busy world with guidelines and helpful hints about how to live a fun, energetic, fruitful life.

If you have time and want to join us, we still have space in the course beginning tomorrow night for six Tuesday nights. Even if you can't come in person, let me know - we will be recording this course and could offer it online if you were interested. Everyone is welcome - especially people who think they "can't do yoga." We don't even roll out yoga mats in this one. Bring a journal and a pen if you like and everything else is provided.

Stress and the Holidays

It seems like this time of year when the days are so short and it's really cold (at least up here in Ottawa) is already pretty stressful and then we add the biggest holiday that our culture celebrates together - it pushes a lot of people to their edge. Full disclosure: me, too.

I think it's great to plop a big distraction right as the longest night happens. By the time the holidays are over, we're safely on the other side, where the days are already getting longer, even though we have to deal with the fact that winter is just getting started.

These are really just conditions though and yoga teaches us that it's not the external conditions that really make a difference - it's how we deal with it. I do think that this time of year offers us a bigger load to deal with though!

Yoga practice throughout the year, and I'm not just talking about the physical postures here, will help us balance when year end comes. In a way, this time of year offers us opportunities to evaluate how we're doing. We get to look at so many areas of our life at one time: we are more aware of our bodies and what we're eating as the opportunities to indulge are likely greater; we can be more aware of our finances as multiple and/or major purchases are timed here; we get to look at our relationships as invitations and opportunities to spend time with family pop up; we get to review our overall happiness as the cultural pressure to make New Year's resolutions rolls out; spiritually, hmm, what are we offered here? Unless you're plugged in to a community that honours this aspect you may find this time a bit hollow and it's here where I see people scratching their heads and wondering what this is all about. This holiday time, this season, this life...

The idea of healthy yoga practice is to have ourselves in balance. That would include all of the areas of our life, not just our stretchy bodies. Yoga - and I don't mean coming to a class and sitting on a mat, but really looking at our lives, which may include that - helps us digest our lives. When we look at what's there, it helps us to deal with what we've got going on and even process some of it. Without action, a lot of stuff won't get processed - like clearing up clutter in our lives - but sometimes all of the action that's required is to acknowledge what's going on.

So when the bulls-eye of Christmastime gets closer in our sights, we have a lot of choices. We can close our eyes and wait for it to be over or we can pay attention and adjust our course so that we go through what's there and reap the benefits that come with addressing ourselves and our lives. There are also many other ways to play at holiday time!

This may all occur as stress and the suggestion I'm making is to welcome it and see it as an opportunity. Let the external circumstances mirror some inner areas so we can see more clearly. And continue to breathe through it. Deep breathing, time with eyes closed in meditation, time serving our families and others in need, time being in our bodies doing something good for it like exercise, time counting our blessings and being grateful will all help us hit the mark and digest what's there to be digested, and hopefully enjoy the crisp, clear, star-filled nights, finding peace in our own lives.

(By the way, that's KC, the source of the white hair on my black pants.)

Brahmacharya and Food (and Holidays)

I recently completed a Vegan Baking Class here in Ottawa - just in time to make goodies for Christmas! Here's the good news - I ate lots of baked goods and I am still wearing the same clothes. But it required awareness more than ever because I was around so much good stuff more than I usually was - it made me pay closer attention to what I was putting into my body.

The other good news is that my baking class coincided with a deal at a gym nearby and I've been really good about being more active this past month as well - so that worked out.

But Christmas hasn't even happened yet! There are still a few parties to go and at my age, without being aware of what I'm doing, will end up with added body mass, which is totally fine, it's just that for me I can't afford new clothes at this time of year, and really it would be unwanted.

This is a great time of year to practise brahmacharya, moderation in this case, one of the yogic yamas, or restraints. Moderation doesn't mean abstinence. Moderation means be aware. Have a bit, but not too much. Enjoy but don't over-indulge. When we over-indulge we are left with a hangover or more than our bodies can process at one time, so we save it all for later and stay "toxic" until we can properly digest whatever we've taken in. That can be food, alcohol, violent movies, or anything that leaves a residue.

It's at this time of year that it is helpful to remember the Sattva guna, or the light, healthy, pure power in the universe. It's moderated with Rajas and Tamas, firey, heavy elements that keep us grounded and on the Earth. But adding some sattvic activities like writing Christmas cards and appreciating our families, or simply meditating; adding sattvic foods like fresh vegetables and clean water; sattvic sounds like undisturbing music (maybe not the same Christmas carols played over and over); will all help to balance out the overload that can happen at this time of year.

Here's some pictures from my baking class. I had so much fun and was grateful I had people in my life to share it all with.

How We Think

How we think, what we're thinking about, and how all of that makes us feel, is so important to our quality of life. People who go through the same experience but think about it differently show us that what impacts one person doesn't necessarily impact another person the same way. It really all depends.

This video by Dr. Mike Evans is all about yoga. He mentions yoga and meditation later on in the 11-minute video, but if you listen carefully, you'll hear that he's talking about yoga the whole time.

While maintaining a certain level of physical health can be a contributing factor to one's overall well-being, how we're thinking all the while will have a much bigger impact.

Patanjali's yoga sutras are all about calming the mind; letting go of disturbances and focusing the mind. Using meditation to become more aware and to be able to move about more freely in our lives. That's yoga.

I played this video for the Police Administrators in the Mind/Body/Wellness component I lead on stress reduction during their leadership training course this week. As I'm playing it, I'm thinking how it's all yoga and how that's really cool that they're getting what I would call more of the "real yoga" rather than just the stretching bits, (which they also get). 

One quote in the video from Abraham Lincoln is "When I do bad, I feel bad. When I do good, I feel good. That is my religion." I love that! I hear yamas and niyamas all over that! I hear Karma Yoga.

If you have 11 minutes to spend hearing a modern presentation on the ancient art of Living Yoga, watch this video and see how many yoga references you can spot.

Is Telling the Truth Religious?

At the beginning of some of my yoga classes, I give a short lesson on some of the non-posture parts of yoga or sometimes a little bit about anatomy. The other day I was at the school where I teach twice a week, where kids go who've been suspended or expelled in the Catholic school board, and I was initiating a discussion on Satya, or truth.

We were talking about how we feel when we lie - not good. About how our behaviour changes when we lie - we have to be careful around certain people and remember who we told what to, for instance. I asked the group how they thought other people would feel around us if we told the truth, and knowing that satya comes after ahimsa, non-violence, they said people would feel safe. I said that the yoga sutras say that taken to its fullest, when a yogi is practising satya, what they say happens. It's pretty powerful.

One of the boys asked me if this was religious. I thought about it. If it's religious to tell the truth, then sure, it's religious. Personally, I don't think telling the truth belongs to any one religion, but it doesn't surprise me that it shows up there.

I like to teach the yamas and niyamas by saying that we don't practice them because "god" told us to or because it's the "right" thing to do. We practice it because it frees us up energetically. We may have peace of mind when we don't have to review all of the messes we've made during the day by being harmful to someone, even in our thoughts; or by lying and trying to keep our stories straight; or by stealing other people's things, hoping to not get caught; or dealing with a hangover that comes by being intoxicated by whatever it is that we over-indulge in; or simply by staying emotionally attached to things and people through our expectations of how they should act or behave.

It's just simpler to avoid those things in the first place than to clean it up later, but realistically, we just need to be cleaning up all the time. Taking out the trash regularly. It's an on-going process and just because we may have done a deep clean through a yoga retreat or some good therapy, practising the yamas and niyamas is something we can keep doing forever.

Life after a Hysterectomy

Close your eyes if you don't want to read this post. I know it's not a topic for everyone. However, the more I tune in, the more I find that it is a topic for more and more people. So be warned.

You can read down my past blog posts to find out more about what life was like for me and why I decided to go through a very traditional medical procedure even though I'm in quite an alternative mind-set in general. 

I agonized about having an operation to remove my uterus. I delayed it by trying alternative options through diet and meditation. I could have had the operation much sooner it turns out.

I asked a lot of people I could get my hands on about having the procedure. And even though there were books about how bad it is to have a hysterectomy and radio programs with people calling in complaining about complications, not one person I spoke to personally had a bad time. I even spoke to my grandmother about her surgery that must have been over 50 years ago. All of these women were happy to have it out so their symptoms were gone.

I confided in my GP that I was so anxious about having the operation and it actually comforted me when he told me that it's such a common surgery now that for a doctor it's like taking your tonsils out. They just go in a tube and pull it back out on itself. Gulp.

Before surgery I did take a controversial drug to shrink the tumour. The side effects were unpleasant and I'm glad I didn't take it for too long. The Lupron did its job though, and the fibroids were small enough to be removed without incisions in my abdomen.

Going into surgery was scary for me. I hardly even go to a doctor's office let alone know how to navigate a hospital recovery room. If I were to do it again, I'd have someone stay overnight with me. The care after surgery left a little to be desired. Not being familiar with being in a hospital left me with a distinct disadvantage as to the protocol after hours. 

Because of the type of procedure I had, I have no visual scars. In order for this to happen, I had my cervix removed as well. I would have preferred to keep it, but in discussions with the doctor beforehand about how it was going to work, it was clear that I would not get to keep most of my cervix. My grandmother told me she was sorry they didn't take hers in the first place because she ended up needing a second surgery to remove her cervix after bleeding continued after the first surgery. I don't really miss mine.

I still have my ovaries, so I still ovulate and I still have a cycle (and I still have pain that I suspect is coming from one of them that I'm getting checked out later this week), but I don't get my period. I don't take any hormones or iron pills (whoohoo!) and there are no side effects that matter to me. I don't feel a hole where my uterus used to be. My organs haven't shifted into new places and my body feels good. I do have more energy in general now because for the first time in years I'm no longer anemic. I don't feel less creative or less of a woman or anything like that. I wasn't that clear before the surgery but I'm clear now that I won't have anymore children, which is really fine with me. 

As I wrote in a previous post, I can wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or white clothes, or go for long walks and bike rides, take car trips and plane rides and not have to worry if I'm going to bleed through in a horrific spectacle.

I looked into the alternatives. I considered what there was available. I think we as a society have to do a better job of understanding what causes fibroid tumours and how to reduce them in some way other than cutting them out. Given what we have available right now, I'm grateful for that option. Although I think it is somehow distasteful to have had a hysterectomy socially, there's still a stigma attached to it, I am grateful that I had the surgery.

Women who are younger who are still planning on having children have other things to consider. Women who are closer to menopause could possibly wait just a few more years and the fibroids and bleeding will stop on their own. But if you're reading this in your 40's and you're faced with the recommendation from your doctor that you have one, I would suggest doing it sooner rather than later.

First Birthday Without My Dad

Today's the first birthday I've had since my father died. In the past I would sometimes talk to my dad on my birthday but lots of times I wouldn't hear from him. That was pretty normal. Sometimes at Christmas or at the following birthday, I'd get a present that was for my birthday and Christmas, or for a couple of years in a row as the case was once in a while.

My dad in recent years was a little more organized and I'd get a card near my birthday with a check in it, which was always appreciated. I loved seeing his handwriting on the card, which was often one he'd printed out on his computer. Seeing his handwriting reminded me of crossword puzzles he'd leave behind from his few visits to Ottawa. Or of keeping score for Scrabble, which we liked to play together.

When I went to his place in Texas right after he died, I collected just a few things, but some of the most precious were things that had his handwriting on them. He took lots of notes and kept them around. I do that too, although less and less, as I have integrated using a computer for most of my journalling and note-taking.

So this year I notice I'm sort of waiting for something to come in the mail from him. But I know nothing will come. Not even late. Makes me miss him and feel sad that he's gone.

Training for Nothing

I didn't start "training" (personal training, working out with a trainer) until about 8 years ago. My sister was doing it and after I'd lost my job and was feeling disillusioned and sad I started tagging along with her. I was never a workout person. I did well at school. I liked yoga for the stretching part and the meditation and the learning, but the physical benefits were like a side-effect.

Even doing plenty of yoga asana, I'd get a sore back after carrying my daughter from the car into her bed, or I couldn't open jars or little things like that. But after I started training, doing weights in particular, I got stronger and the little aches and pains went away. That's not totally true, because training itself caused new aches and pains but they were "productive."

Being physical was not something I was raised with. My family didn't work out. We didn't run races, go on hikes, nothing like that. Head transportation machines. We're still like that sometimes. We take our heads around places and then eat. But not that often anymore.

Anyways, I started training and I got stronger. And then I stopped training and I would get sore and flabby. And then I'd start training again and I'd feel better. But working out seemed like something I should be able to do on my own; a discipline that surely I should be able to do on my own. On my own I don't though. I just don't.

Over the past few years especially, I've started to notice when my body is more comfortable and when it's less comfortable. It gets less comfortable more regularly now that I'm in my mid-40s. Maybe having a fibroid and not being able to run and being anemic and then being on medication that made me old temporarily was all part of it. Probably it was. I stopped training this time last year. I wasn't feeling well, I was busy, it costs money, and I didn't do it.

This time last year was a tough time. Getting ready for surgery, taking strong medication that was painful, then I had my operation, then my dad died, I was dealing with a difficult work situation, and what I should have been doing all along was training. But I had stopped.

How to start again? Talk to my trainer. Hmm. Should I call him? Text him? What's the protocol? Will he have time for me? Can I afford it? I decided a couple of months ago that I couldn't afford not to. I don't like being uncomfortable in my body. I have seen people get old and I know it's coming for me too if I'm lucky, and I want to feel good in my body for as long as I can.

I want to run and walk and play and do yoga poses and be strong. Left up to my own devices, I won't always do what's best for my body. I'm lazy that way. But when I make an appointment to meet my trainer, I go. And when I pay him every time, I don't miss the money.

A couple of weeks ago I bought new running shoes. For myself. I buy lots of running shoes for someone else (ahem, 13-year old daughter), but I haven't done that for myself in many years. I love my new shoes. They're bright - it's like a party to wear them! And a pain that I used to have in my knee whenever I ran isn't there anymore. So now I'm back to running as well. At least I've started. My daughter's teacher told her she'd get an automatic extra 5% on her mark if she runs a 10K. I've agreed to do it with her.

Sometimes it's helpful to train for a race or a competition - having a goal is really useful and it can make it fun. I'm at the place where I'm training for nothing other than the equilibrium I've found. I like how my body feels. I sleep well. I digest well. I'm in a good place. I'm lucky to have a trainer who has stuck around. I value my relationship with him. He pushes me but respects me. He encourages me and helps me be moderate. He fits me into his schedule when it's convenient for me and texts me in between with reminders or other things.

Training just to feel good feels like a good long-term goal for me. I want to feel good in my body for a long time.

Why it's not okay to have sex with your students

Why it's not okay to have sex with your students. Hmm. Seems to me by now that this is so obviously wrong in so many ways, but I had forgotten that I didn't always believe it was true.

I remember where I was sitting back in October 1994 when I got the phone call from a friend with the news that our guru, Amrit Desai, had been sleeping with some of his students (disciples) over the years. Even from my office at Omega Institute I heard myself say, "well, he's human. He had sex. Big deal." I'm embarrassed now at my naiveté to think that even for a moment this could have been no big deal. It was a huge deal. And not just because of the sex part...

I had been on a trip earlier that year with Amrit and a bunch of disciples and other students in India. I was there for a 3-month stint taking workshops with Amrit's guru-brother, Rajarshi Muni and his crew. I wasn't senior enough during my stay at Kripalu to have been deep into the inner circles but I absolutely was acquainted with the people who flew in to talk to Gurudev. Rumours were flying. Maybe he would go on a 6-month silent retreat he mentioned. He was trying to dodge the bullets. In the end, he couldn't. There was the sexual stuff and there was the money stuff. He knew how to divide and conquer his people so as I recall, the group that knew about the double books didn't know about the group of sexually abused and vice versa. That has all come to light, but it wasn't until after he basically had a gun to his head that he was willing to admit it.

All along the way he could have been forgiven. (In truth, lots of people have forgiven him and flock to his new yoga place in Florida.) But forgiveness aside, what he did was wrong not just because he had sex with some of his students. If he had been responsible enough to admit it, he could have been dealt with at the time and might still be living next door to Kripalu today, however, that's not what happened. While he was hiding his escapades, he discredited the people who spoke up. In fact, he ruined families by making family members believe the women who came forward were crazy. Everybody wanted to believe him, so they did, and shunned the people who spoke up.

I remember being at a retreat with him when we were all offering full-on, drop-down pranams to the guy, and he said, "if you knew some of what I've done, you wouldn't love me anymore." There was nothing that guy could do that if he admitted it, he wouldn't still be loved for. Except what he did. Lying like an un-remorseful psychopath would be the thing to bring the house down. And it did.

I heard about the transgressions and then the details started coming out about what he had done to cover up his lies. The people he lied to and blamed. The people he put down who were telling the truth so he could keep up his dirty tricks. I was safely housed at Omega in my new job on the core staff there so I only heard about the pictures being pulled off the walls, of the screaming and crying in the halls, from my sad friends who were still there, who had invested more years than I had in serving a community that was based on lies.

I was in the room when Amrit read his resignation letter to the community. I remember people saying, "Gurudev, is there anything else you need to tell us? Anyone else?" And he would just say, "no." Later it was pointed out that there had been one other person and he'd admit it under duress. "Okay. Her too." And another, and that's how that one rolled out. He paid his large fines, moved away, and you can go down and meet him today. Lots and lots more to that story.

That still doesn't answer why you shouldn't have sex with your students as a yoga teacher.

Naturally, there will be an imbalance of power. Presumably the yoga teacher is leading the class. She's the one people are looking at, looking to for answers. In a big drop-in class, maybe this isn't even really a big deal anymore than it would be for a fitness instructor to get involved with her students. Two adults, who cares. It's only awkward for the other students while it's awkward. Maybe awkward for the teacher if that student continues to come to the class once the liaison is over. It's still not usually recommended.

In a traditional classroom setting, it's a rule that the teacher not sleep with the students as there could be favouritism shown; the student would have access to information the other students wouldn't have, giving them an unfair advantage on tests, etc. In workshops I've attended, it's recommended that the leaders wait a certain amount of time after the workshop is over before getting involved with participants due to the emotional connection that's formed artificially when there's someone delivering charged content and the other one participating and opening up.

In addition, in the traditional teachings of yoga, practising celibacy is likely discussed, if not recommended, to allow for the flow of energy, likely energy that Westerners aren't used to restraining. Teachings are given to open the students up emotionally and spiritually. Space is created on purpose to allow yoga students to be open and vulnerable and to feel safe, sometimes for the first time in a long time. Simply put, sleeping with a yoga student, especially during a training is unethical at the very least, especially when it's been declared from the beginning that those boundaries won't be crossed. Even if that relationship was out in the open, it would be unrecommended for these reasons - there's a clear imbalance of power and potential for awkwardness in the group. (A decent move might be for the teacher to step down, at least from teaching the ethics section of the course, or for the couple to leave the group, but that move would take courage.) So what tends to happen, is more the story above with my guru - there are lies told to try and hide the transgression. People are made to seem untrustworthy who speak up as the cheating teacher will be trying to maintain their reputation - what better way than to put down others around them especially as they are the one controlling the secret information?

What happens in that training when one of the teachers is secretly sleeping with one of the students? In some cases things get awkward. There's unnecessary tension. There's underlying drama. Eventually there are people who are in the know and people who don't have a clue what's going on. Peoples' feelings get hurt. Favourites are made and given special attention so they don't make waves. It's not the kind of group I would want to pay thousands of dollars to be sitting in.

Ask questions. Find out what the policies are of the course you're taking. Check references. Even then you can't always be sure as deception can run very deep. That doesn't mean what I learned from my guru wasn't true. It doesn't mean that I didn't get quality teachings. But he should have known better and should have done better, sparing me and thousands of his followers the pain of betrayal that hypocrisy inflicts.

Teaching with Two

As a yoga teacher, I am normally working solo. I drive to places on my own, teach on my own, plan on my own, interact on my own, debrief in my head, and it's like that. Sometimes I get to co-teach, and that's my favourite. It changes everything when I have a co-teacher.

This year I've had the privilege of having at least 3 co-teachers!

• My daughter led a Mother-Daughter Yoga weekend with me at Omega (our pictures are right there) this summer (and we will be doing it again next year - August 9-11, 2013) and we lead that in September at Rama Lotus for a 90-minute session as well.
• My friend, Virginia Miller, co-led a 3-half-day Shiatsu/Thai Massage/Partner Yoga "dabbler" during Family Week with me (and we hope to do it again next season).
• And the wonderful Kat Mills, who has co-led all sorts of yoga experiences with me over the past few years at Rama Lotus and other places around Ottawa, continues to lead Living Your Yoga modules with me at her house for weeks at a time.

Leading classes with two people doesn't always work out money-wise, which is why a lot of people wouldn't do it. However, when there's enough money, or money's not the issue, leading with someone you work well with is the BEST. 

Having someone to share the responsibility with is nice, but the process of collaboration is special. New ideas form, conversations are ignited, and there's a richness that isn't found when there's one-on-one teaching. There's also the spontaneity of what can happen when there are two teachers that doesn't always happen when there's one.

Tuesday night begins a new session of Living Your Yoga in the Makata Yoga Living Room (Kat's empty house - it's hilarious - she really has no furniture just so groups can take over the floor space). We love teaching the yamas and niyamas together so much that we're doing it again. Why do we love it so much? Partly because we get to collaborate, but it's also about the content and what happens to a group when we examine our lives. Being with people as they look at their lives is a great privilege and a special "space" gets created that is unusual in our everyday lives. So we put our arms around a space and hold it and put people in the middle and bounce them up and down gently and get to be there for the giggles and ahas that happen along the way.

If you're coming to this module of the Yamas and Niyamas, don't bother bringing your yoga mat - you won't be using it. Bring an open mind and a clear head so you can consider some of what yoga has to offer. It's not new or trendy - we're going to use the ancient texts as our references. Whoohoo!

(This video was not made for this blogpost. We were fooling around for a different project...)

Being a Grown Up

I was chatting this morning with an old friend about yoga stuff and he said, "yoga's about being a grown up," and that struck me. Or maybe he said it's about teaching you to be a grown up, but the point is, if you're practising yoga, you'll be more grown up. More responsible. More accountable. More able to handle what happens in life.

I think that's true. If you're really practising yoga, having alignment in your life will matter and it will show up. You will not be violent with others. You will avoid others who are being violent. You'll be more sensitive. (Ahimsa) You will be able to tell the truth and you'll be able to hear someone else tell the truth. You'll recognize truth when you hear it. (Satya). If you've been practising yoga, you should be able to start going through the yamas and niyamas and see that you've steadily been making improvements in those areas. You may be reaping the rewards of having more energy and maybe of being in "the flow."

Asana practice is not enough. Performing a triangle may help you minimally in your life. I think practising asana is a responsible thing to do. Keeping the body healthy and comfortable is just what a responsible householder would do. But it's far from the only thing.

As I said back in February, check out your teachers. If what you want is a good stretch and that's it, yoga classes are a pretty expensive way to do it. If you want to learn life lessons and be taken along the ancient path of life study, you'll want to find people to lead the way who are grown ups themselves. People who know better should do better. And if they don't, they shouldn't be leading the way.

Summer in the City

There's not much to say about it. It's summer in the city. In this city, what it means for me is that I don't have to wear heavy layers when I go out. I can open the door and just go outside without a lot of preparation or fortification. I find that so relaxing and freeing. It takes less time to get places because there's not a lot of prep involved and I can manoeuvre around quite easily.

We are in a bit of a drought here in eastern Ontario, which is probably pretty bad and a sign of global warming and stuff, however, what it has meant for me is that each day has been sunny and dry for over a month. No cold days. No chilly wind. Just nice weather. So I've gone to the beach a lot. I haven't ever known Ottawa as a beach town - but it is! There are even live bands at some of our beaches.

I also decided to make friends with the sun. Without being unreasonable like spending too much time in the sun, I've chosen to not be afraid of the sun and let it kiss my body gently. I've gone to the beach a lot and just read a bit of a book or had a chat with a friend, or just laid on the sand and felt the heat come up through my blanket.

I like to remember that I'm a creature on a planet. This planet with this atmosphere, with my skin colour and age, and I'm just letting the planet hold me. It's turning out to be a great summer.

Big Week - Yoga for Diverse Groups

(Later in the day - I'm adding this picture someone took while I had people in class on the grass. It was a lovely day.)

I'm not sure this will ever happen again. It's sort of like my own personal yoga-teaching harmonic convergence.

This week, starting today, I have the following groups to teach: The Senior Police Administrators, Kids Who've Been Expelled, Prison Guards, and Kids in the Hospital with Eating Disorders. In that order.

Today the police get a whole lecture about stress reduction and some cool tips on how to stay refreshed in their lives. They also get a yoga class, which for most of them, is their very first time. They have to take the class as it's part of their 3-week program.

Tuesday, I have the kids who've been expelled or suspended from school. They are potential clients of the first group, let's say. They are mostly boys, but there are some girls there, too. They range in ages from Grade 7 - Grade 12. They get a yoga class, which is optional for them. It's a varied bunch and a pleasure to teach them. I see these kids regularly.

Wednesday I'm driving to Kingston to visit the big jail where I'll be doing a lecture on stress reduction, similar to what the cops get, for the prison guards and parole officers. It's their assembly and staff BBQ will follow right after my presentation, where I will be using a hand-held mic for the first time as I do my lecture because there are supposed to be over a hundred people coming. No yoga for this group.

Thursday I'm back with the kids at school. They love the long relaxation part but last week we were getting into handstands and headstands, which they seemed to appreciate pre-savasana.

Friday I have a regular group of yoga students who are in the hospital with eating disorders. These kids are in the same range as the expelled kids - 12 - 17. They tend to be mainly girls, although sometimes there are boys in the program. I get the outpatients as well, so I get to see them throughout their program. No handstands for them usually.

It's a full-spectrum set of clients this week for me, not to mention the private students I will see and then my public class on the weekend. For the police and enforcers and expelled kids, there is a lot of commonality and in fact, the profile of criminals and the similarities to police officers' profiles is a discussion in the Senior Police Administrators Course. They know.

What I see is a lot of similarity with everyone. The boys and the girls deal with some of the same issues as each other. Anxiety, stress, family issues, self-esteem, goals, fear, those kinds of things. They tend to express it differently, however. I haven't met the prison guards yet, but from what I understand, they're under a lot of stress in general, but especially right now as jobs are shifting as prisons are closing and wards are opening in other areas.

Anyways, it's a lot of people to see in a week, and a lot of people who are going through big transitions in their lives. It's a privilege to get to be with them while they're in that process and hopefully be able to lend some support and maybe even relief.

I heard this on the radio yesterday and am pleased that he wrapped it all up in this awesome video about stress in our culture.

Visit with My Dad - Metta Meditation

I've led meditation workshops for years now and one of the sample meditation styles we do is a Metta Meditation. In it, we think about different "kinds" of people - totally revered, people we've loved, people we don't know, and people we withhold our love from. I've always said the person could be alive or have passed on already and there's usually someone in the group who shares that they thought about someone, often a parent or a sibling, who has died. I could relate, but not as strongly as I can relate now.

My dad died in January and since then, I've had the opportunity to "visit" with him, especially during the times when I do metta meditation, which isn't all the time, so it seems special. When his face slips into that screen of my mind's eye, it makes me feel happy, and it's a treat to send him metta so that he can feel happy too. It doesn't make me feel sad at all to have him visit at these times because it's so real for me and it counts as a real visit. I feel like I just saw him and smiled with him and was close to him and by opening my heart in that "metta" (lovingkindness) way, I feel really connected to him - maybe even more than I did sometimes when he was alive.

The technique of giving metta to people is usually a short one and yet it is so powerful. I find people can go on such a journey in even 6-8 minutes, it's amazing. The video below talks about what Metta Meditation is or can be.