At first I wasn't sure I liked the intensity of the current Yoga Teacher Training Program I'm leading with Kat. It takes over, there's no "me" time, there's no "you" time in case you've been trying to get in touch with me, which means there's no time to let my mind wander and go off into unpleasant places. As a result, I'm sleeping again, even going out a bit to see some of the free Bluesfest shows up my street, and basically feeling mainly normal. I haven't seen my daughter it what feels like weeks and that's a bit weird - there's this room in the house with a bunch of stuff in it and no one's in it, and I have to say that is a bit bizarre, but otherwise things are cool.
I was saying to Kat yesterday that I think I kind of like doing the teacher training like this. All packed in. If you're someone who's done the YTT the long way, don't worry, that has loads of its own benefits too, it's just that I'm appreciating doing it this way and I wasn't expecting to. Mind you, when the YTT is over school starts again and basically summer's over, but that's okay, it turns out it hasn't been much of a summer after all.
Being with a group that all knows each other and is progressing together and is basically on the same page is so different than the groups I usually teach, which are drop in or short term, or the attendance varies. In this course everyone's there almost all the time and we're moving forward as a group and there's something so satisfying about that. The long version of the YTT is like that as well, which is part of what makes a yoga teacher training so fun for me.
This YTT has a big 12-day intensive, a month break to practice and do work (and let me go to Omega to teach at Family Week), and then another 12-day intensive. So even if other things have to be put on hold, that's fine. I think some wounds are healing because I don't have the chance to pick at them and when I resurface I'll be in a new place.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
All YTT All the Time
My life is YTT a the moment. It's all yoga teacher training, all the time. Which is as it should be, really.
I'm totally thrilled to be focused on making yoga teachers! There have been a few diversions, including this evening's wander through the market to see George Clinton. That was cool. Along the way I ran into a bunch of people I know, which is also cool.
I'm afraid now of running into someone who used to live with me who I'm now no longer speaking to, and that freaks me out. I don't like being afraid to go out, but at the moment, I am. But it doesn't stop me. I go out anyway. The whole fear thing is interesting and I'm taking a closer look at it but for the moment, the truth is, I'm not out much and so I don't have to worry that often, so it's not a big deal.
We've been talking about Truth in class lately and it's a great conversation. I'm a lover of the truth, but sometimes there's an impact, as we all know and is why we don't always say what's so. Sometimes being human sucks. We do shitty things. We don't want to admit we do shitty things. We don't want to admit we put up with other people doing shitty things. And then we realize we all do it, it's what's there, and we relax. Or not.
I'm in a limbo place. I haven't landed. I may never land. It's okay. I'm all Buddhist now, so things are just fine. They crumble and get built up again. Ha. I know that it's a case of "careful what you ask for, because you'll get it," and I know that the truth is like that as are so many other things. I wanted to be aware and now I am and there's an impact of being aware. Aware of the little movements of thought and of body. I see a lot more. Oh God if I could just go back and be ignorant again, I totally would. Innocence is truly bliss. Alas, there's no going back. But there's bliss in knowing, too. I know that. I'm not SOL.
I'm totally thrilled to be focused on making yoga teachers! There have been a few diversions, including this evening's wander through the market to see George Clinton. That was cool. Along the way I ran into a bunch of people I know, which is also cool.
I'm afraid now of running into someone who used to live with me who I'm now no longer speaking to, and that freaks me out. I don't like being afraid to go out, but at the moment, I am. But it doesn't stop me. I go out anyway. The whole fear thing is interesting and I'm taking a closer look at it but for the moment, the truth is, I'm not out much and so I don't have to worry that often, so it's not a big deal.
We've been talking about Truth in class lately and it's a great conversation. I'm a lover of the truth, but sometimes there's an impact, as we all know and is why we don't always say what's so. Sometimes being human sucks. We do shitty things. We don't want to admit we do shitty things. We don't want to admit we put up with other people doing shitty things. And then we realize we all do it, it's what's there, and we relax. Or not.
I'm in a limbo place. I haven't landed. I may never land. It's okay. I'm all Buddhist now, so things are just fine. They crumble and get built up again. Ha. I know that it's a case of "careful what you ask for, because you'll get it," and I know that the truth is like that as are so many other things. I wanted to be aware and now I am and there's an impact of being aware. Aware of the little movements of thought and of body. I see a lot more. Oh God if I could just go back and be ignorant again, I totally would. Innocence is truly bliss. Alas, there's no going back. But there's bliss in knowing, too. I know that. I'm not SOL.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
YTT Starts in the Morning
I'm excited tonight because the Yoga Teacher Training intensive starts tomorrow morning. I love teaching YTT - it's one of the best jobs ever. It also stresses me out a bit and I get a bit nervous before it starts but that's not a bad thing. I'm so glad that it's finally here and that there will be a whole new group of people I'll get to be with starting in the morning.
This training will be different than any I've lead before as it's all day intensive training for 12 days in a row and then we'll take a break and do another 12 days in a row. I'm ready and I'm nervous and excited and everything.
I've said good-bye to my daughter and hello to Kat Mills and tomorrow I'll say hello to the new YTTers.
The Fringe had a bit of a hangover to it once it was all over because it was so fun and compact. There was some withdrawal. I imagine this intense training may have some similarities, and if that's at all true, this is going to be a blast.
I'm already quite aware that this is going to be a group affair, and having been in many groups in my life, I expect this one to act like one. It's predictable that there will be people who talk more than others, people who withdraw, there will be skeptics and resisters, open sorts and curious ones. We'll all share a love of yoga and that's the coolest thing. We'll create a safe, fun environment that will be a place we're all dying to get to in the mornings. Look out Ottawa and beyond (people are coming from all over to do the training) because we're prepping a whole new batch of teachers!
On another note - one of my mom's dogs had puppies the other day and Remi got to witness their births in the middle of the night. You can watch them live on the Puppy Cam.
This training will be different than any I've lead before as it's all day intensive training for 12 days in a row and then we'll take a break and do another 12 days in a row. I'm ready and I'm nervous and excited and everything.
I've said good-bye to my daughter and hello to Kat Mills and tomorrow I'll say hello to the new YTTers.
The Fringe had a bit of a hangover to it once it was all over because it was so fun and compact. There was some withdrawal. I imagine this intense training may have some similarities, and if that's at all true, this is going to be a blast.
I'm already quite aware that this is going to be a group affair, and having been in many groups in my life, I expect this one to act like one. It's predictable that there will be people who talk more than others, people who withdraw, there will be skeptics and resisters, open sorts and curious ones. We'll all share a love of yoga and that's the coolest thing. We'll create a safe, fun environment that will be a place we're all dying to get to in the mornings. Look out Ottawa and beyond (people are coming from all over to do the training) because we're prepping a whole new batch of teachers!
On another note - one of my mom's dogs had puppies the other day and Remi got to witness their births in the middle of the night. You can watch them live on the Puppy Cam.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Oh Canada Day
It's a day off for a ton of people, and they all seem to have met up in my neighbourhood to hang out! It's quite a scene down here in the Market. They even brought the Snowbirds with them. Wow. It's cool to be standing under that when they go by.
So there's lots going on I'm not blogging about - otherwise it wouldn't be a blog, it would be my life, and you could just come over and I'd tell you everything and you would just be a part of it.
One thing is that I'm picking up my Landmark Education stuff again and will be leading a home introduction to the Landmark Forum on Monday, July 13 and if you're reading this, consider you're invited to attend. Send me a note for details if you'd like to come. I got a little coaching yesterday about yesterday's blog news and wow, is it powerful and amazing to get coaching like that. Cuts to the core! The insight I got was about stopping beating myself up for being a bad mom. It's buried in there. We all know I'm nowhere near a bad mom, but somehow it snuck inside.
A reminder I got too, was that nobody's in integrity - we're either putting it back or it's falling away. I know, but to be reminded is good for my soul because I was starting to doubt the goodness of people.
And the last thing for today is what I was reading a bunch yesterday, which I think resonates. And it's from my Pocket Pema:
Seek Long-term Relief
We act out because, ironically, we think it will bring us some relief. We equate it with happiness. Often there is some relief, for the moment. When you have an addiction and you fulfill that addiction, there is a moment in which you feel some relief. Then the nightmare gets worse. So it is with aggression. When you get to tell someone off, you might feel pretty good for a while, but somehow the sense of righteous indignation and hatred grows and it hurts you. It's as if you pick up hot coals with your bare hands and throw them at your enemy. If the coals happen to hit him, he will be hurt. But in the meantime, you are guaranteed to be burned.
On the other hand, if we begin to surrender to ourselves - begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like - we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that's under all that harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others - if it's done properly, with proper understanding - we benefit as well.
And that totally hits the nail on the head because I can tell you that it feels the same flavour inside to lash out as it does to be dumped on and harmed from the outside.
So there's lots going on I'm not blogging about - otherwise it wouldn't be a blog, it would be my life, and you could just come over and I'd tell you everything and you would just be a part of it.
One thing is that I'm picking up my Landmark Education stuff again and will be leading a home introduction to the Landmark Forum on Monday, July 13 and if you're reading this, consider you're invited to attend. Send me a note for details if you'd like to come. I got a little coaching yesterday about yesterday's blog news and wow, is it powerful and amazing to get coaching like that. Cuts to the core! The insight I got was about stopping beating myself up for being a bad mom. It's buried in there. We all know I'm nowhere near a bad mom, but somehow it snuck inside.
A reminder I got too, was that nobody's in integrity - we're either putting it back or it's falling away. I know, but to be reminded is good for my soul because I was starting to doubt the goodness of people.
And the last thing for today is what I was reading a bunch yesterday, which I think resonates. And it's from my Pocket Pema:
Seek Long-term Relief
We act out because, ironically, we think it will bring us some relief. We equate it with happiness. Often there is some relief, for the moment. When you have an addiction and you fulfill that addiction, there is a moment in which you feel some relief. Then the nightmare gets worse. So it is with aggression. When you get to tell someone off, you might feel pretty good for a while, but somehow the sense of righteous indignation and hatred grows and it hurts you. It's as if you pick up hot coals with your bare hands and throw them at your enemy. If the coals happen to hit him, he will be hurt. But in the meantime, you are guaranteed to be burned.
On the other hand, if we begin to surrender to ourselves - begin to drop the story line and experience what all this messy stuff behind the story line feels like - we begin to find bodhichitta, the tenderness that's under all that harshness. By being kind to ourselves, we become kind to others. By being kind to others - if it's done properly, with proper understanding - we benefit as well.
And that totally hits the nail on the head because I can tell you that it feels the same flavour inside to lash out as it does to be dumped on and harmed from the outside.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Drama
I've been involved in a lot of drama the past week especially. Tons of Fringe plays, Remi's going out for an audition tonight for a part in a play, but that kind of drama is fine. There's the other kind of drama that has been going on that makes things all intense and weird. Without going into the gory details just know it involves an ex, a reconnection, the truth coming out about what "really happened" way back a few months ago, contact with "the other woman," and not in that order. Then there are all of the accompanying feelings, of course.
The good news is it doesn't feel as bad as it did when the initial hurt happened, the bad news is that it does hurt all over again. No tears, just a big punch in the stomach kind of feeling.
We all love in different ways. Some of us try to love each other by sharing information, others try to love each other by withholding information we're afraid will hurt. We talk about this in yoga all the time. When do you tell the truth? What if that truth will hurt someone? What if not telling that truth will hurt someone? And then it's all context. If you're someone like me, not hearing the truth is way worse than hearing the truth even if those contents are distasteful. Other people would rather be spared the details and will feel loved by being sheltered from some information. It all depends. There's no right way to do it.
I go back to Anthony DeMello and am reminded that reality is manageable. We can all handle reality. It's here. It just is. And again, I have to go back to the reality that what's so is that that I've been lied to some more, again, lots, whatever, and even though I'd prefer to just hear the straight scoop, the other person won't dish unless forced. So, my reality, which is manageable, is that I've been had. Used. And it makes me feel like a total idiot. Okay, so I'm not being not very powerful. Hey, what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!
For a great, short talk on getting stronger, surviving, thriving, and actually achieving the impossible, listen to Ray Zahab. Thanks, Tamsin, for mentioning to me his video was on TED.
The good news is it doesn't feel as bad as it did when the initial hurt happened, the bad news is that it does hurt all over again. No tears, just a big punch in the stomach kind of feeling.
We all love in different ways. Some of us try to love each other by sharing information, others try to love each other by withholding information we're afraid will hurt. We talk about this in yoga all the time. When do you tell the truth? What if that truth will hurt someone? What if not telling that truth will hurt someone? And then it's all context. If you're someone like me, not hearing the truth is way worse than hearing the truth even if those contents are distasteful. Other people would rather be spared the details and will feel loved by being sheltered from some information. It all depends. There's no right way to do it.
I go back to Anthony DeMello and am reminded that reality is manageable. We can all handle reality. It's here. It just is. And again, I have to go back to the reality that what's so is that that I've been lied to some more, again, lots, whatever, and even though I'd prefer to just hear the straight scoop, the other person won't dish unless forced. So, my reality, which is manageable, is that I've been had. Used. And it makes me feel like a total idiot. Okay, so I'm not being not very powerful. Hey, what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!
For a great, short talk on getting stronger, surviving, thriving, and actually achieving the impossible, listen to Ray Zahab. Thanks, Tamsin, for mentioning to me his video was on TED.
Friday, June 26, 2009
When Things Fall Apart
Here's a quote from my Pocket Pema Chodron:
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
That's how I'm feeling right now!
I've been having such a blast at the Fringe Festival and I'll be sad to have it be over. I can barely tell what day it is because being involved has turned me all around! That's a good thing!
It has been so great seeing Remi come out of herself and play and connect and interact with people. She's an inspiration!
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
That's how I'm feeling right now!
I've been having such a blast at the Fringe Festival and I'll be sad to have it be over. I can barely tell what day it is because being involved has turned me all around! That's a good thing!
It has been so great seeing Remi come out of herself and play and connect and interact with people. She's an inspiration!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Fringe Plays
Just a short note to say what I saw. I went to Parker and Seville at 6 and I went based on the fact that I had a pass, it was a time I wanted to see something, and what was on their website. It was the first play I saw that I'd say, "ohhh, that's what they mean by a 'Fringe' play." The good news is that I've seen about 8 others and that's the first time that came up!
I went to see Paul's "On Second Thought" again. Took my sister. It was just as funny. Maybe even a bit funnier because my daughter wasn't with me and I could really laugh at the jokes and not worry about her reaction. I did end up sitting next to a regular yoga student by accident! (Hi!)
I wanted to see "Like a Virgin" but didn't make it. The courtyard was compelling and it was too hard to get up and go to the next venue! The guy who did "The Accident" was hanging around and that was excellent - if you're looking for something, that's a good one.
I still want to see the "Like a Virgin" play, "House", and I must see "Oreo". I'm sure Remi's got some on her list too. She saw "The Squatter Heart" tonight and when I asked her how it was, she said "it was cool." I love her wide acceptance of plays in general. She's so open and her tastes aren't that defined yet.
I went to see Paul's "On Second Thought" again. Took my sister. It was just as funny. Maybe even a bit funnier because my daughter wasn't with me and I could really laugh at the jokes and not worry about her reaction. I did end up sitting next to a regular yoga student by accident! (Hi!)
I wanted to see "Like a Virgin" but didn't make it. The courtyard was compelling and it was too hard to get up and go to the next venue! The guy who did "The Accident" was hanging around and that was excellent - if you're looking for something, that's a good one.
I still want to see the "Like a Virgin" play, "House", and I must see "Oreo". I'm sure Remi's got some on her list too. She saw "The Squatter Heart" tonight and when I asked her how it was, she said "it was cool." I love her wide acceptance of plays in general. She's so open and her tastes aren't that defined yet.
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