Thursday, January 22, 2009

Basket Case (asana)

(These pictures have nothing to do with the posting. They have everything to do with being a response to MC's posting on her blog today about red socks. I was wearing red socks when I read it! So here are just a few from my collection. One day I'll do a posting about socks and I really have somethings to say about socks and mothers and love. And if you look closely at the second pair you'll see the Cat in the Hat.)

I like it. Basketcaseasana. That's the pose I'm doing. I missed an appointment last week (I was actually supposed to be leading a class I teach infrequently), I yelled at my what do I call him, him, you know, in front of my daughter, I cried in front of people in a restaurant, I behaved inappropriately (although I'm sure that would totally depend on who you asked), I wailed, I threw things, I blogged, I've tried to be aware. But there you have it. I'm a basket case. I probably need therapy and in fact I've got calls in to my old guy who's covered and I just booked a session with my coach, who's not.

2009 sucks. That's what I have to say.

And as a Landmark buddy pointed out yesterday, I'm "on it." And he implied that I'd be somehow more powerful if I'd just "get off it." Of course, he's right and even by considering the idea of getting off it I felt a smidge better. But I am still on it you'll notice.

This morning I went completely mental after finding out information I knew would make me mental but I went and did it anyways (through snooping if you must know). Just so I could continue to do this pose (basketcaseasana). Really it was to just double check and make sure my spidey-senses are working, which they are, and that helps me to feel intact and better. It doesn't change that fact that snooping is stealing and that's really never okay even though it may be justified or it's understandable under the circumstances. So I stole info that I knew would drive me up the wall and then I went crazy for a few minutes in front of people I care about. Oops.

And that's really never okay either and it leaves an impression and good thing therapy is available for people of all ages because we're all going to need it in my shrinking family.

What's it all about is a question I can't answer. I do know that this is bringing me opportunities to work on my deep-seated issues of being abandoned and how to deal with the rage that surfaces when that's happening.

And normally I'm the leaver and I for sure could have been in this one but I watched myself switch to let myself be left, which brings up different stuff. Very interesting. By leaving in the past I didn't get to deal with this crap that is here while I stay put and be in the same house, same town, same freaking few blocks of it all going down. So there's some good stuff there to gnaw on.

So I'd love to say I'm super-strong and I'm done and sure and I'm moving on and you can't treat me like that but I'm very aware that if the right messages were left if the right texts were sent or the knock came at the door saying the right things, I would drop everything and resume working on it, as a couple though not just by myself this time. Alas, I know I am dreaming and there are 2 chances of that happening - slim and none. I feel a connection with all jilted lovers of the world, with all hopeful people wanting to change someone just a little bit so things would work out (driving the people they love crazy in the process). I'm a big fat loser too, but I'll have to come to my senses soon. This non-reality is a bit hard to keep fabricating to be honest. But my dream is strong and I am still trying to hold it as it begins to disappear...

1 comment:

mae callen said...

love the socks Jamine!

a while ago, I started this support system for myself. whenever i knew the day was going to be hard - when i needed a little bit more confidence, a little bit more love, a little help - I would wear this bird pin I have. It was my secret helper. Like a blue bird on my shoulder.

these days the pin just doesn't seem to go with my style anymore.
but red socks do.
and when I look down at them, they make me smile and remind me, that at least i have that. At least I have a little bit of joy on my feet.