Sunday, January 11, 2009

Up All Night

I have been up all night a few times in my life - usually because I was having so much fun. I didn't mind the consequences then. Last night I stayed up all night alone mulling over my life and specifically my relationship, which I determined must be over and I'm concerned about having to teach yoga all day.

Just a little while ago (like an hour ago) I heard some of those things people say in movies, things I'm not used to hearing. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I'll make it up to you. Give me a week to prove it to you."

I want so badly for it to work out. I want so much for me to have been right in my choice of partner. I'm listening to Christian Carter's How to Catch a Man and Keep Him CDs, which reminds me that what's attractive is to just be yourself, which is what I need to do in any case. I'm listening to classic John Gray tapes, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, and reminding myself that men are like rubber bands and need to stretch out and that it's okay to let them go. I'm breathing into the sensations in my belly and wondering if I'm being duped. If I'm being a total loser and an idiot. If I have what it takes to be in a successful relationship. If I'll ever heal the wounds of my past. If the fear of being abandoned and rejected again will ever really go away. If I'll ever be able to just relax in this one.

I recognize where I'm in reaction and being clingy and needy. I notice how my love is conditional and how I want something in exchange, which really makes it not love at all. I see my daughter being affected by what I do as well as what I don't do, and that scares me because I so badly want her to have a good growing-up time, a time that is swiftly coming to a close.

I see that I want a relationship not only for "good reasons." I don't like being alone. I don't want to go to bed by myself. I want someone around who likes me. I know it's not going to "make me happy" to have my partner behave the way I want him to but I want to try.

And I know that for it to work, it has to be workable. And up until 6 am, this has not been workable. So I'll give it a week. I'll give him a week. He said he'll smarten up and show me that he loves me. God, I sound so typical? stereotypical? predictable? in denial? It doesn't sound good, at any rate. I don't like what I'm hearing myself say. He says it was a turning point. He had a realization. He doesn't want to lose me.

I've never made it past here before. It always ended. I want to see what's on the other side. I mean, many couples who are "successful" have had times where they thought it was over. The Obamas even had some rocky times, right?

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