Friday, January 9, 2009

Waiting at the Gate

Whenever I fly, I get this sort of sick, excited feeling in my body. I don't like the feeling. I really don't like to fly because I have to go through that feeling every time I do it - that sort of waiting at the gate feeling, waiting for the plane to take off and find out we're okay in the air. I know it's not rational, but it's how I feel when I'm taking a trip by air. It doesn't stop me from taking trips, as you know, but it is a yucky part of it.

That's how I feel this morning. It's like I'm waiting at the gate and I'm getting on a plane. I'm going on a trip but this isn't one I'm looking forward to so much. Maybe it's more of a business trip feeling. I'm dreading it. But it's too late, I'm going. I don't want to go, but I'm going. I'm not sure where this trip is taking me. I still don't know if I'm going to wind up single soon, or back to living by myself with a boyfriend on the outside, or just back where I was with John before all of this happened, except in a newer, fresher place.

If I was able to get up into something like a traffic helicopter and get a good view of the situation, I'm sure I could see this from a less emotional perspective and see how there are clogged areas that will be freed up soon and that there are other roads that are flowing smoothly. But I'm not. I'm in the car on the road in a traffic jam, not knowing how long I'm going to be asked to sit here. I do know though, that I won't be in this place forever. The traffic will move along eventually and I'll be on my way. I just don't know to where.

Back to the waiting at the gate feeling - what I do when I'm really going on a trip is I distract myself and I breathe deeply. If I'm on a plane and I get that feeling, I get out of my seat and I look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and just start to feel normal. If I'm on the ground before the flight, I chat with my travel companion or I get on the phone with my friends and just deal with the time until the departure. I could use some of that action now. Just breathe deeply, don't dwell on it, call my friends, read the paper, get back to work, things like that. Feel normal. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

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