Update

I haven't been updating my blog lately because things have been really hard in my life right now and I'm sad and depleted and worried about the future, so anything I really wanted to say wasn't going to make it into the blog.

The relationship I'm in is having a big breakdown at the moment and things at home are not good. And I know that the good times in a relationship are temporary, and so are the bad times, so this may not mean that it's always going to be this way, but it might, and that sucks.

I started this blog almost exactly 2 years ago to deal with what was coming up as I was in the process of finding a partner. I met him and quietened the conversation about relationships, even though I would always privately have had something to say about it. And now even though I'd love to present my case on my blog for why I'm being hard done by and present evidence for your consideration, I know that that wouldn't be right and I'm not going to do it.

So just know that I'm having a hard time. I may be breaking up with my boyfriend/partner and I'm really sad. I'm open to it working out, however, the signs are mixed and actually are pointing in the other direction.

I'm using all my tools of breathing, forgiving, meditating, and they're helping, but not sparing me from the pain that goes with being attached to an outcome that isn't happening. I want something that I don't have and I have something that I don't want and I'm caught up in that. And I may also just be in an incompatible relationship that was doomed from the beginning.

I may be in a great relationship going through a rough period or I may be in a relationship that's about to end - it's not obvious to me at the moment. In any case, I'm totally impacted by it. In some moments I rise above it, looking at the weather on the ground from my higher seat of consciousness, and in other moments, I'm in the storms and blizzards happening and trying to make my way home.