We're getting off the roller coaster for a bit. He's moving out. Actually, he moved out already. And then I go and teach yoga and try to act like I'm okay, and don't answer when people say "how are you?" My job as a yoga teacher is to be a mirror so announcing to anyone what's going on in that department isn't something I'd normally do. As a yoga teacher I sort of get out of the way so I can just teach. But it has been hard. And sometimes, depending on the situation I do fill people in. I'm human, you know?
I thought this was it. I thought he was "the one." I thought our love was strong and we could make it. I bought the whole dream and I was so hoping it was coming true.
I could go into details about how terribly wrong things went and how far off the mark this relationship ended up. I could relay how intensely sad and tired I am from hanging on, which I was justifying as "taking a stand," and not giving up until it was painfully obvious I wasn't going to get my way no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to "create something from nothing" and allow the moment to be as it was. I tried breathing into those sensations in my stomach where it felt like I'd been kicked. I tried making sense of it. Of pleading, of trying to let go of trying to pull back so I could get to that place of "it's all good."
None of that is working. So what's happening is I'm plain old sad. And hurt, as you can appreciate. I'm not sure what to tell my daughter because I'm not really sure how this is going to go. He's acting like he'll be a good guy and stay connected and we'll just deal with this as we can when there's a flow in life. When there's a big roller coaster that we're on.
Reality is manageable. I want to see what happened and keep it separate from what I'm making it mean. What happened is I don't have the relationship that I wanted. What happened is this one didn't go the way I wanted it to. What happened is I'm alone again. And I can make that mean whatever I want. Honestly, I'm still making it mean I'm rotten in relationships, I'm too demanding, I'm being paid back for poor actions I've done in the past, and none of that really matters. None of it is going to bring back my dream. I'll make a new one though...
I know time will take care of this. I know it will get easier. I know my daughter will get over it. I know I'll be okay. But right now I feel so awful. I can't help it. I can try all of my mind-warping techniques, but the deal is that right now I'm overcome with sadness and grief.