Saturday, January 24, 2009
I'm doing okay given what's going on but it's tricky-going. I go from being aware of what's happening to feeling unconscious behaviour urges coming out and taking over. For example, after taking that little stress-reduction pill the other night, I woke up in the morning all pissed off again and it made me really think. "Same circumstances - not mad; same circumstances - totally mad." And the big difference was this little chemical. Thank you modern science. But it made me aware that it's just a trick in my mind that's doing that. And that gave me such freedom for a bit. I felt on top of things and my facebook status went to "in a whole new place" and I was feeling in that orbit of "it's all good" and that was a relief.
And then the pain took over again. And tonight I made sure I had plans after teaching the yoga teacher training so I wouldn't get myself into trouble but they all fell through and I was on my own and checked facebook and saw that he had changed his relationship status to "single" and I started to cry. Nevermind that I had changed mine a few days ago - I was mad and had a right to do that. So being without plans to keep me occupied and being with a phone that was all charged up, I made that teary call to say I didn't like that he changed his status and does that mean it's all over like an idiot and he's saying, "this isn't helping" and I agree to just drop it until Monday like we agreed. And then I felt like a total tool.
He has his way of messing up and I have mine. I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it anyways. I know it didn't help but it did make me feel better for a few minutes. It's like smoking. You know it's not good for you but you do it anyways and you feel better for a little while even though you know it's bad for your health overall.
I used to smoke. I was always pretty sneaky about it and I had to divide my friends up between those who knew and I could "be myself" around, meaning I could smoke in front of them, and those who didn't know and I would never admit to smoking around. One day I decided to try to get quit smoking for the 80 millionth time and I bought some Nicorette gum. When I chewed a couple of pieces it felt just like I had had a cigarette. That got me to thinking...it's not the smoke and the blowing and the breathing and all of that I was hooked on, it was the nicotine. The drug. It made me mad because I realized I was a pawn of the tobacco industry and I know I'm not a pawn and I quit and I've never wanted to smoke again since then some years ago.
So when I was reviewing my behaviour over the past few weeks regarding anger and intense feelings and how all of a sudden I could take a little pill and it took that away it made me see some similarities and how I'm hooked on the feelings that are bad for me or that don't really do me any good, let's say. I felt yesterday for a few minutes like maybe it would be a similar breakthrough and I'd just drop being mad and sad about this but of course that's not what happened, nor did I really expect it to but I was kind of hoping it would.
And I knew tonight when I was dialing the phone that it would probably be alright for him if I didn't call, it was hard to convince myself that it would be alright for me if I didn't call. So I called and oh well. I'm a work in progress.