The picture is getting more clear and I'm feeling a lot better as things clear up! As my buddy Anthony De Mello says, "reality is always manageable," or something like that.
I've been pretending for a long time that things were okay with me when they weren't. And I didn't want to listen to my "inner voice." My inner voice doesn't usually suggest things to me that are convenient. She will tell me things that sometimes disrupt situations and make me choose different directions. Of course, she's always right, however, I pretend like she's not and I go on in my life like a sort of impostor.
I pretend that it's not bothering me, but it is bothering me. I pretend that I'm in a good situation, but I'm not. And that disconnect is life-sucking. When I pretend that I'm okay when I'm not, I'm doing damage to myself.
There's a way high-up place where the perspective is "it's all good." But that's not where I live. I live on the ground in the weather, in a house, with a kid, where I'm actually impacted by what happens. The universal, global view of "it's all good," is true, it's just that living at that altitude isn't appropriate for improving the conditions in this house on this planet at this time. It's nice to have that in the back of my mind, like zooming way out and seeing that nothing really matters and it's all okay. Then zoom back in and see that a good way to drive a car is to move it forwards, not to drive around backwards looking through the rear view mirror. It can be done, but it's not efficient.
So it's like being at a certain depth or frequency. They all exist, but there's a level or place where I live and at that place if I pretend that I'm not there when really I am, things don't work.
Anyways, blah blah blah, it looks like we're breaking up but it will take a while to get things sorted out. I'm ready to let it go knowing that I can't pretend these things aren't important to me when really they are. Letting go of my values in order to have a warm body around isn't worth it. He knows, I know, we're still talking it all out and it's really inconvenient to make a move, but it beats the life-sucking alternative.