Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Haven't Been Here Before (Now is the Time for Yoga)

I have always moved around. And when a relationship ended, a simple geographical rearrangement meant breaking up was actually relatively easy. And what we're about to try in this transition wasn't ever really possible before because I would just leave town in the past and now I'm not doing that.

So the new arrangement is supposed to be that John, my "partner," is going to move out and I guess we're downgrading our status to "boyfriend/girlfriend," until further notice. I haven't tried this one before - move out and still see each other. We just need space apparently and this is a way to get some space and then see if we can regroup and make it better.

I think it might just be the beginning of a long goodbye, but I'm open and will be fully participating in "making it work." I feel angry and totally rejected and sad and miserable and did I mention really, really sad? And I also don't want this in my house anymore and so I'm optimistic and willing and loving and patient and supportive. But I'm nervous and realistic and optimistic and detached and again, really, really sad.

This morning we were all lying in bed and I was aware that this might be the last time it was me in the middle. And maybe not. Maybe we'll "work it out" and I'll have a family again. I'm preparing myself that it might not happen and clearing out my future of images I've had. I told John this is messing with my future, and it's true. It is making me wipe the slate that I had put drawings on that were just drawings anyhow. That plan is not what we're working from now and there's nothing in the future, just "wait and see what happens."

Last night I listened to a quick clip from Werner Erhard and it made a lot of sense. He says we all make the mistake of thinking a relationship is going to make us happy when what we need to do is be happy and then have the relationship be an expression of our happiness. And Tony De Mello writes that basically all of the things we think are loving in relationships are our attachments and that we're not really experiencing love when we cling and label and all of that, that true happiness comes for no reason at all.

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