I was thinking this morning of how we get these invisible badges of life. ("Collect them all!") They seem invisible to other people until they're apparent. I guess it's like something that glows in the dark. All of a sudden it shows up and then it's obvious, but otherwise no one can see anything out of the ordinary. In yoga I think what I'm thinking about is similar to samskaras - obstacles in the way of the flow.
So we get these badges as we go through life - something happens and then we're a new member of a group. Being a single mom, becoming a widow, having cancer, whatever the thing is. It's like a badge that then when is lit up and others can see it, they'll show you their badge, too. "Me too!"
I've got this badge on me now that says I'm breaking up with my partner. The other day I was at the butcher getting a treat for my brother who's stranded by the bus strike and the guy says, "so are you having a wonderful day today?" And knowing me, you can imagine my reply, "well actually, I'm not. My boyfriend left today and I'm totally bummed." He says, "I know how you feel. My finace left me last year and it took me a long time to recover but I'm going to make 2009 a great year." And we had a nice connection. It wasn't bad to bring that up - it was the truth for me on Wednesday.
Since I've been telling the world about what's going on, people have been writing to me and connecting with me in a way that they don't when everything's all nice. And that is special. These are really very special days. I didn't want them, I don't like them, I don't wish them on anyone, but you know, we all have to collect our badges in life. So I'm getting another one. Maybe it's more like a tattoo, I'm not sure because I don't have any tattoos, but I figure those are painful to receive. And if I could have the attitude of someone getting a tattoo, this emotional pain I'm going through would be more manageable. It's happening - it hurts - might as well look forward to it being over.
On another note, you know I'm not afraid to ask for help, which I'm getting, and yesterday I was at my doc's for something entirely unrelated and I mentioned that I'm in a relationship crisis and was having trouble sleeping and he gave me a prescription for a sleeping pill. I don't take medicine, I don't even have a pharmacy, but I tell you, I took that little pill and after half an hour I couldn't even be mad if I tried. I stayed up for another hour in amazement. It was like a Tylenol taking a headache away. My pain subsided and then I WENT TO SLEEP. And I slept all night. Wow. Give me a few more days of that and I promise I'll be like new again.