Completion, Landmark Style

I had two really great conversations in the past few hours. I spoke to my buddy in Montreal, Jason, who heard my brief description of my situation and "got" it and helped me see how I had given my power away, maintaining my status as "victim" and that it's very ordinary. Who he knows me to be is extraordinary and without making me wrong, he reminded me that there's a place I've been where I'm responsible in my life.

He also helped me identify that it's a bummer when you break your word and I had given my word to this relationship, and like many a leader, I held on longer than I should have and could have let go a while ago. He said some other things but I was a bit teary and I didn't remember it all.

Then this morning I spoke to my other buddy, Suzanne, and she reminded me that in order to be "complete" there are some things I probably still had to say to John and they're the things I'm thankful for. Aargh. I don't want to write a letter saying what I loved about him because I'm all mad and hurt and stuff. She said doing it would make me feel better and she was right. And then I remembered that when I'm really "complete" with someone, there's a healthy connection. Completion creates connection.

So I wrote the letter. I cried as I was writing. "Thanks for being so great, blah, blah, blah." It was very touching. And I got to the point where I could be responsible for having been so vulnerable and giving my power away, creating big expectations that could not be met. I created that. I made the situation be the way it was and I'm responsible for how I was. (Guys, that's different than being at fault and I'm not taking the blame here, I'm restoring my power.)

And I got the big love I have for him. And I got how grateful I am to have had him in my life - he's a super, funny, intelligent, creative man, and if you ever get to meet him, you'll see what I mean.

And there was no way I was going to get my needs met in that relationship. Not a chance. So what I can see now, thanks to having been in that relationship, is what my standards are. Where my next relationship needs to begin. What a huge gift! Suzanne said I come out a winner in this one. I know where I need to begin and what needs to be present before I get involved. I want an intimate relationship, no question. And there's no question I'm going to have it.

She said don't take a year or two getting over this one. Just get complete. Write him. Write him some more. Thank him. Be grateful and it will be over faster. She's totally right.

I feel better! I feel more open to life!

Okay, I'm on a bit of a high, but it's partly because I've been so down. Like really down. And to feel a bit up is like, well, it's really nice. And to feel the love I have had for someone, who has been so important to me, even though it "didn't work out," is a great feeling. It touches me and inspires me. I was really loved by him and I really loved him. No doubt about that and it feels good to be in that space, nevermind the results or how it looks on the outside. On the inside, I'm present to love and it doesn't have to show up in a particular way at all. It's just love.

And the next time I walk by where he works or we used to go or whatever triggers me, I might get triggered. That will likely happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy this nice, clean feeling.

2 Cars

I already know that some of you think this is a bad idea. I also know some of you think this is a good idea. Most of you don't care either way, but here's what's going on. I still have the Echo. The ad comes out tomorrow in the Auto Trader. Someone who had it out yesterday for a spin is "probably" going to buy it or rather, lease it. That's what he said this morning. I figure if he was probably going to do it, he'd be doing it, so I'm not counting on that happening.

I do not doubt that I will be getting rid of my car any day now. And I've been waiting to get the Rabbit for a week and Saturday I am going to Montreal for the day and I'd really rather go in the VW than in the Toyota. So I called up my dealer and told him to get that car ready for tomorrow. I called up the insurance lady and told her to insure both cars.

So for a short while (I hope it's short!) I will have possession of 2 cars. That seems totally decadent but it also feels totally cool. A choice of car. "Hmm. What do I feel like driving today?" "I call the Rabbit!" as Remi would say.

I am already committed to the Rabbit. I'm getting it anyways. And I'm sure I'm going to sell the Echo when that ad hits the streets. So why wait?

It does feel a bit like gambling, I'll be honest. But I think it's a safe bet. The worst thing that could happen is I keep paying for the Echo a bit longer than I need to. And that Echo is cheap! I think it will go sooner rather than later. But it is a gamble I'm taking.

There's so much else going on - this has been such a great distraction. The teacher training is starting up again in a few weeks and that is a lot of work. When I was nominated to be the "lead teacher" I don't really think I knew what was involved. Plus, now it's not the same teachers teaching seeing as how Catherine split to go do her own thing in Hintonburg, so it's not even us just doing what we did before. It's all new! It's the new and improved Hatha Yoga Teacher Training!

On another note, I started a new class at a place where I've taught for years and most of the people are beginners. How fresh! I love beginners. They laugh at my jokes, for one thing. And they're just starting out with yoga. Like I say, it's usually the beginning of good things. Most people don't say, "I started yoga awhile back and then things went downhill from there." Yoga practice marks the beginning of an upward trend.