I had two really great conversations in the past few hours. I spoke to my buddy in Montreal, Jason, who heard my brief description of my situation and "got" it and helped me see how I had given my power away, maintaining my status as "victim" and that it's very ordinary. Who he knows me to be is extraordinary and without making me wrong, he reminded me that there's a place I've been where I'm responsible in my life.
He also helped me identify that it's a bummer when you break your word and I had given my word to this relationship, and like many a leader, I held on longer than I should have and could have let go a while ago. He said some other things but I was a bit teary and I didn't remember it all.
Then this morning I spoke to my other buddy, Suzanne, and she reminded me that in order to be "complete" there are some things I probably still had to say to John and they're the things I'm thankful for. Aargh. I don't want to write a letter saying what I loved about him because I'm all mad and hurt and stuff. She said doing it would make me feel better and she was right. And then I remembered that when I'm really "complete" with someone, there's a healthy connection. Completion creates connection.
So I wrote the letter. I cried as I was writing. "Thanks for being so great, blah, blah, blah." It was very touching. And I got to the point where I could be responsible for having been so vulnerable and giving my power away, creating big expectations that could not be met. I created that. I made the situation be the way it was and I'm responsible for how I was. (Guys, that's different than being at fault and I'm not taking the blame here, I'm restoring my power.)
And I got the big love I have for him. And I got how grateful I am to have had him in my life - he's a super, funny, intelligent, creative man, and if you ever get to meet him, you'll see what I mean.
And there was no way I was going to get my needs met in that relationship. Not a chance. So what I can see now, thanks to having been in that relationship, is what my standards are. Where my next relationship needs to begin. What a huge gift! Suzanne said I come out a winner in this one. I know where I need to begin and what needs to be present before I get involved. I want an intimate relationship, no question. And there's no question I'm going to have it.
She said don't take a year or two getting over this one. Just get complete. Write him. Write him some more. Thank him. Be grateful and it will be over faster. She's totally right.
I feel better! I feel more open to life!
Okay, I'm on a bit of a high, but it's partly because I've been so down. Like really down. And to feel a bit up is like, well, it's really nice. And to feel the love I have had for someone, who has been so important to me, even though it "didn't work out," is a great feeling. It touches me and inspires me. I was really loved by him and I really loved him. No doubt about that and it feels good to be in that space, nevermind the results or how it looks on the outside. On the inside, I'm present to love and it doesn't have to show up in a particular way at all. It's just love.
And the next time I walk by where he works or we used to go or whatever triggers me, I might get triggered. That will likely happen. So for now, I'm just going to enjoy this nice, clean feeling.
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