Today was the first day that things started feeling a bit better. There's an end to this.
Yesterday I took John's dresser to him. Saw him, bawled my eyes out. All day. Cried because of hurts that haven't healed from my childhood. Cried because I'm scared. Cried because of concerns for my daughter's childhood. Cried because I can. Some people can't cry. I'm not one of them. Each realization I had made me cry. Luc told me he's impressed that I can cry and talk at the same time. Oh, I can cry and do lots of things at the same time. Crying's not a reason to stop doing anything in my opinion. I cry and drive all the time for instance. And I'm not always crying because I'm sad...but that's other times. These days if I'm crying it's because I'm sad/mad/scared, etc.
I got tons of insight. I'll have lots to do at my appointment next week. Anyways, yesterday I cried a lot and on top of it, I'd had about 4 hours of sleep, I'd had a 10-minute nap on the couch and drooled and had my hair pressed into my face and went to work to teach and people told me how good I looked. That's so funny. I had a glow. Must have been the tan and the weight I've lost from general depression and anxiety. Couldn't have been that I had been bawling my eyes out on and off continuously for 10 hours. Or maybe that was the secret...just let it all out and you glow. Could be...
I've learned that there's no way around the feelings. The way around is to go through them. So I don't even attempt to avoid the ones I can handle. Just feel them. They pass. They come back. They pass. I know there are others that are unfeelable but that's what life and therapists are for. I don't have to worry about the unfeelable ones. They won't go anywhere. They stay put until I'm ready. It's like stuff. It just sits there until I throw it out. Or file it and put it away.
There's so much I could babble about. I'm totally alive with feelings. Luc was doing his deeksha thing tonight and was talking directly to me about how even the hard times, no especially the hard times, have opportunities for healing and other stuff I don't remember at the moment. But it was a reminder that I'm on the right track. Don't resist what is. Feel what you feel. Denying it is repression. All the normal teachings, but the thing is, these are the hard ones to practice. I have been in resistance to what is for weeks and months now. So today I wasn't in resistance. I was even embracing it. My relationship is gone. I don't have a partner. I feel like clinging. I feel rejected. I feel angry. And then the sensations all buzz and then it all sizzles away and I'm just me. And then it comes back and I have to manage it again, but it's easier. And it even gets to be a bit interesting, like the sensation of going into hot water after being in ice cold water at the spa, or coming inside after being out in the cold for too long.