Wherever You Go, There You Are

So yea, I'm still here, still me, still in the middle of this sad, sad story that surprises me when I think about it. However, I must say, it's a bit easier to deal with when there are palm trees and sand and nothing else to do in front of me.

I'm reading Twilight. My daughter got it for Christmas and declared that she was too young for the story. I'm lapping it up. A total Harlequin Romance in a new package. He "gets" her. She totally loves him. They'll probably kiss soon. I'm reading it on the beach.

John informed me that he is looking at a place and that this is for the best and then we can "rebuild." As a fan of the Six Million Dollar Man myself, I could see how things can be rebuilt. I'm not convinced that my broken heart is one of them.

Yesterday morning after I posted I walked out to a little stage area by the pool and was invited to come and stretch by one of the animators. I went, longing for a good stretch. I started to warm up. No one else showed up and then I noticed that the animator was following along with me. Remi got a drink and came up near me doing a few of her own moves. Next thing I know, I'm basically leading him in my intermediate hatha class but not really - I'm just doing my moves and he's coming along and I'm trying my best not to correct him. I couldn't watch him try to do a headstand because I was in it for myself. It was fun.

Lost in Paradise

I got it in my head Tuesday afternoon that I really needed to get away. I made a few phone calls, I typed a few keystrokes, and the next morning I got on a plane with my kid and we're now in the Dominican Republic.

It is not snowing here.

While we're gone John is going to find a new place to live and move out. I'm devastated. But I'm finding my own way of dealing with it and when I get back I don't expect my problems to be all gone but I'll have had some more rest and maybe will be better able to manage.

This is a smoker's paradise. You'd think all white people smoke if you came here. It's actually quite gross and I think next time I won't jump to do the cheapest all-inclusive holiday possible. Nevermind. It's warm and beautiful and after we got moved out of our room with the bedbugs, we got put into a room with a view from the ocean if you are on the balcony. Sweet.

So that's it for now. I'm sleeping and eating and having fun with Remi. She got her hair braided yesterday and we're cool.

How it Goes

So yesterday I had lunch with John as we had planned. It was really nice. I told him that I'm the kind of partner that could weather any storm and that this was perhaps a bumpy path and all he would have to do is let me know he wanted me and I'm there.

He sent me a lovely text message after we'd had lunch and when I noticed that some postcards had come from Hallmark in my inbox on my Blackberry I wondered who they were from. John's not the e-card kind of guy in my experience but these are new days and maybe we're turning over a new leaf, so when I got home I attempted to open the attachment on my computer.

This morning I am still cleaning up the virus that was put on my computer in my lame attempt to feel loved. I opened an attachment I would have never normally touched because I was thinking my lover was sending me sweet messages and was coming back to me in some way. As John said in response when I told him what had happened, "that about sums up our relationship," or something like that. I protested, but there you have it. That's how it goes.

R.I.C.E.

Today in yoga teacher training we talked about injuries and scar tissue. While Geoff Outerbridge was talking about scarred and injured tissue in the physical body, I was silently relating it to my own subtle body and how I've got some scar tissue and some inflamed places as well.

He said that to treat acute injuries you should use RICE. Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. I can totally relate that to my current hurt. Rest it - take some space from it like is happening right now. Ice it - use medicine or a long bath or something to soothe it. Compress - hold myself in tight so I don't make any disturbing movements or phone calls. Elevate - listen to inspiring teachings or be with people and get uplifted.

And for scar tissue, the deal is to break it up. Get in there and dig at it. Bust up that tissue so it reforms in the right pattern rather than a haphazard pattern. So I'm doing that too. Looking at the past issues, letting them hurt a bit while I help them to reorganize. And this scar tissue manipulation is usually something you hire a manual therapist for - massage, chiro, physio, whatever. So in this case, I've hired my coach and an old therapist to help me reorganize my subtle tissue.

Geoff said the problem comes when people don't take care of the injury or the scar tissue that forms. If you wait until it's too late, chronic pain can arise and it can be much harder to deal with. I think that applies too to psychic or emotional pain. Gotta deal with it. When you don't take care of injuries or old scar tissue, what happens is you compensate physically and you walk funny or can't do certain poses or get pain in other areas in your body. A shoulder pain could be caused by an old ankle injury, for instance. Same thing with emotional pain.

Today's massive hurt (injury) being in the situation I'm in is probably related to me not dealing with something that happened a long time ago. If I'd been dealing with that, then I wouldn't have allowed this situation to get to the point it's at now. It wouldn't have come up this way. But it did and I see it and I'm taking care of it now so hopefully it won't get re-injured again in the future. He said people get injured picking up a pencil off the floor and think "I shouldn't have picked that up." He said that's not the point - what have you been doing the past decade or two? That's where the problem lies. I see that being true for me in my emotional situation as well.

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And then I found this video and it made me cry again because this is where I was at but I was there by myself.

Hooked

I'm doing okay given what's going on but it's tricky-going. I go from being aware of what's happening to feeling unconscious behaviour urges coming out and taking over. For example, after taking that little stress-reduction pill the other night, I woke up in the morning all pissed off again and it made me really think. "Same circumstances - not mad; same circumstances - totally mad." And the big difference was this little chemical. Thank you modern science. But it made me aware that it's just a trick in my mind that's doing that. And that gave me such freedom for a bit. I felt on top of things and my facebook status went to "in a whole new place" and I was feeling in that orbit of "it's all good" and that was a relief.

And then the pain took over again. And tonight I made sure I had plans after teaching the yoga teacher training so I wouldn't get myself into trouble but they all fell through and I was on my own and checked facebook and saw that he had changed his relationship status to "single" and I started to cry. Nevermind that I had changed mine a few days ago - I was mad and had a right to do that. So being without plans to keep me occupied and being with a phone that was all charged up, I made that teary call to say I didn't like that he changed his status and does that mean it's all over like an idiot and he's saying, "this isn't helping" and I agree to just drop it until Monday like we agreed. And then I felt like a total tool.

He has his way of messing up and I have mine. I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it anyways. I know it didn't help but it did make me feel better for a few minutes. It's like smoking. You know it's not good for you but you do it anyways and you feel better for a little while even though you know it's bad for your health overall.

I used to smoke. I was always pretty sneaky about it and I had to divide my friends up between those who knew and I could "be myself" around, meaning I could smoke in front of them, and those who didn't know and I would never admit to smoking around. One day I decided to try to get quit smoking for the 80 millionth time and I bought some Nicorette gum. When I chewed a couple of pieces it felt just like I had had a cigarette. That got me to thinking...it's not the smoke and the blowing and the breathing and all of that I was hooked on, it was the nicotine. The drug. It made me mad because I realized I was a pawn of the tobacco industry and I know I'm not a pawn and I quit and I've never wanted to smoke again since then some years ago.

So when I was reviewing my behaviour over the past few weeks regarding anger and intense feelings and how all of a sudden I could take a little pill and it took that away it made me see some similarities and how I'm hooked on the feelings that are bad for me or that don't really do me any good, let's say. I felt yesterday for a few minutes like maybe it would be a similar breakthrough and I'd just drop being mad and sad about this but of course that's not what happened, nor did I really expect it to but I was kind of hoping it would.

And I knew tonight when I was dialing the phone that it would probably be alright for him if I didn't call, it was hard to convince myself that it would be alright for me if I didn't call. So I called and oh well. I'm a work in progress.

Badges of Life

I was thinking this morning of how we get these invisible badges of life. ("Collect them all!") They seem invisible to other people until they're apparent. I guess it's like something that glows in the dark. All of a sudden it shows up and then it's obvious, but otherwise no one can see anything out of the ordinary. In yoga I think what I'm thinking about is similar to samskaras - obstacles in the way of the flow.

So we get these badges as we go through life - something happens and then we're a new member of a group. Being a single mom, becoming a widow, having cancer, whatever the thing is. It's like a badge that then when is lit up and others can see it, they'll show you their badge, too. "Me too!"

I've got this badge on me now that says I'm breaking up with my partner. The other day I was at the butcher getting a treat for my brother who's stranded by the bus strike and the guy says, "so are you having a wonderful day today?" And knowing me, you can imagine my reply, "well actually, I'm not. My boyfriend left today and I'm totally bummed." He says, "I know how you feel. My finace left me last year and it took me a long time to recover but I'm going to make 2009 a great year." And we had a nice connection. It wasn't bad to bring that up - it was the truth for me on Wednesday.

Since I've been telling the world about what's going on, people have been writing to me and connecting with me in a way that they don't when everything's all nice. And that is special. These are really very special days. I didn't want them, I don't like them, I don't wish them on anyone, but you know, we all have to collect our badges in life. So I'm getting another one. Maybe it's more like a tattoo, I'm not sure because I don't have any tattoos, but I figure those are painful to receive. And if I could have the attitude of someone getting a tattoo, this emotional pain I'm going through would be more manageable. It's happening - it hurts - might as well look forward to it being over.

On another note, you know I'm not afraid to ask for help, which I'm getting, and yesterday I was at my doc's for something entirely unrelated and I mentioned that I'm in a relationship crisis and was having trouble sleeping and he gave me a prescription for a sleeping pill. I don't take medicine, I don't even have a pharmacy, but I tell you, I took that little pill and after half an hour I couldn't even be mad if I tried. I stayed up for another hour in amazement. It was like a Tylenol taking a headache away. My pain subsided and then I WENT TO SLEEP. And I slept all night. Wow. Give me a few more days of that and I promise I'll be like new again.

Basket Case (asana)

(These pictures have nothing to do with the posting. They have everything to do with being a response to MC's posting on her blog today about red socks. I was wearing red socks when I read it! So here are just a few from my collection. One day I'll do a posting about socks and I really have somethings to say about socks and mothers and love. And if you look closely at the second pair you'll see the Cat in the Hat.)

I like it. Basketcaseasana. That's the pose I'm doing. I missed an appointment last week (I was actually supposed to be leading a class I teach infrequently), I yelled at my what do I call him, him, you know, in front of my daughter, I cried in front of people in a restaurant, I behaved inappropriately (although I'm sure that would totally depend on who you asked), I wailed, I threw things, I blogged, I've tried to be aware. But there you have it. I'm a basket case. I probably need therapy and in fact I've got calls in to my old guy who's covered and I just booked a session with my coach, who's not.

2009 sucks. That's what I have to say.

And as a Landmark buddy pointed out yesterday, I'm "on it." And he implied that I'd be somehow more powerful if I'd just "get off it." Of course, he's right and even by considering the idea of getting off it I felt a smidge better. But I am still on it you'll notice.

This morning I went completely mental after finding out information I knew would make me mental but I went and did it anyways (through snooping if you must know). Just so I could continue to do this pose (basketcaseasana). Really it was to just double check and make sure my spidey-senses are working, which they are, and that helps me to feel intact and better. It doesn't change that fact that snooping is stealing and that's really never okay even though it may be justified or it's understandable under the circumstances. So I stole info that I knew would drive me up the wall and then I went crazy for a few minutes in front of people I care about. Oops.

And that's really never okay either and it leaves an impression and good thing therapy is available for people of all ages because we're all going to need it in my shrinking family.

What's it all about is a question I can't answer. I do know that this is bringing me opportunities to work on my deep-seated issues of being abandoned and how to deal with the rage that surfaces when that's happening.

And normally I'm the leaver and I for sure could have been in this one but I watched myself switch to let myself be left, which brings up different stuff. Very interesting. By leaving in the past I didn't get to deal with this crap that is here while I stay put and be in the same house, same town, same freaking few blocks of it all going down. So there's some good stuff there to gnaw on.

So I'd love to say I'm super-strong and I'm done and sure and I'm moving on and you can't treat me like that but I'm very aware that if the right messages were left if the right texts were sent or the knock came at the door saying the right things, I would drop everything and resume working on it, as a couple though not just by myself this time. Alas, I know I am dreaming and there are 2 chances of that happening - slim and none. I feel a connection with all jilted lovers of the world, with all hopeful people wanting to change someone just a little bit so things would work out (driving the people they love crazy in the process). I'm a big fat loser too, but I'll have to come to my senses soon. This non-reality is a bit hard to keep fabricating to be honest. But my dream is strong and I am still trying to hold it as it begins to disappear...

Emotional Roller Coaster

We're getting off the roller coaster for a bit. He's moving out. Actually, he moved out already. And then I go and teach yoga and try to act like I'm okay, and don't answer when people say "how are you?" My job as a yoga teacher is to be a mirror so announcing to anyone what's going on in that department isn't something I'd normally do. As a yoga teacher I sort of get out of the way so I can just teach. But it has been hard. And sometimes, depending on the situation I do fill people in. I'm human, you know?

I thought this was it. I thought he was "the one." I thought our love was strong and we could make it. I bought the whole dream and I was so hoping it was coming true.

I could go into details about how terribly wrong things went and how far off the mark this relationship ended up. I could relay how intensely sad and tired I am from hanging on, which I was justifying as "taking a stand," and not giving up until it was painfully obvious I wasn't going to get my way no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to "create something from nothing" and allow the moment to be as it was. I tried breathing into those sensations in my stomach where it felt like I'd been kicked. I tried making sense of it. Of pleading, of trying to let go of trying to pull back so I could get to that place of "it's all good."

None of that is working. So what's happening is I'm plain old sad. And hurt, as you can appreciate. I'm not sure what to tell my daughter because I'm not really sure how this is going to go. He's acting like he'll be a good guy and stay connected and we'll just deal with this as we can when there's a flow in life. When there's a big roller coaster that we're on.

Reality is manageable. I want to see what happened and keep it separate from what I'm making it mean. What happened is I don't have the relationship that I wanted. What happened is this one didn't go the way I wanted it to. What happened is I'm alone again. And I can make that mean whatever I want. Honestly, I'm still making it mean I'm rotten in relationships, I'm too demanding, I'm being paid back for poor actions I've done in the past, and none of that really matters. None of it is going to bring back my dream. I'll make a new one though...

I know time will take care of this. I know it will get easier. I know my daughter will get over it. I know I'll be okay. But right now I feel so awful. I can't help it. I can try all of my mind-warping techniques, but the deal is that right now I'm overcome with sadness and grief.

Taking a Break

I was thinking this morning that what I really need is a break. And normally when I think I need a break I peruse the vacation sites, the ones that have Ottawa as a departure city and direct flights to warm places that aren't too far away. Ones where when you get there they feed you and water you and you just show up. But as Jon Kabat-Zinn would say, "wherever you go, there you are," and I know that going to a place like that wouldn't be the kind of break I need.

This morning I was perusing the Landmark Education site considering different dates and where the next Forum is happening so I can go and just get a giant mental break. When I did the Forum before I felt so free and unstressed when I got out of there. I felt unafraid and powerful. The knot in my stomach went away and I slept like a baby when I got home. That's the kind of relief I want, the kind of break I'm looking for. I know there are other ways to get it and I could meditate here and be fine. But doing the Landmark Forum is a huge boost and could use a super-charge for my internal battery right now.

My closest centre is Montreal, but they just had one and the next one isn't until March and I'm teaching that weekend already. Plus I want a break NOW! So I see I could go down to NYC, a centre I love, but it costs a ton to stay there and is a big drive to get to. I'd do it though. Then there's TO. Ahh. I have friends in TO, maybe they'd let me crash at their place so I could do it in that town. I'll look into it.

Right thinking is an important component of any spiritual path. When I'm doing wrong thinking, I go down roads thinking they're the path to fulfillment or satisfaction when obviously to an outsider they're not, but I continue going there anyways under some false impressions. Right thinking helps me to see what's really going on and make adjustments from a conscious place. Doing the Landmark Forum totally gets me into right thinking mode and I know will do the trick for a while.

Comic Relief

Taking a break from my inner-life work out...

This site made me laugh. (www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org)

Long Flights and Long Goodbyes

Long flights and relationship break ups have a lot in common for me. And to be fair I shouldn't say "break up" because I could still just be in a rough patch. My facebook status hasn't changed or anything, so perhaps I'm being dramatic and I could just say "relationship difficulties."

I've already given this one a flying metaphor as I said I felt like I was waiting at the gate to get on a flight I didn't want to take. Using that same analogy, now I'm on the flight, and it's a long one. I've been on a few long flights in my life and they're intense. There's take off and landing and turbulence and people and stuff and meals and movies and thoughts of death and what I'm doing with my life and all of that. Oh yea, and there's trying to get some sleep! When I'm having "relationship difficulties," which in the past have always resulted in break ups, I have that same tight feeling as when I'm in the air. The same reflection on my life and also the awareness of my death and how fragile my life is.

I stopped making that process in flight wrong years ago. I looked at it as an opportunity to clarify some things and to just use that heightened awareness to bring me to another place in my life. Same thing with break ups, I mean relationship malfunctions. I use them to clarify things. To clean up dark areas, to dust out the regions of my personality that cling. Long flights and relationship bumps both give me a chance to be in a temporarily intense space to focus my mind and look at some issues with a magnifying glass. Neither are ever comfortable for me - but they both serve big purposes. They get me to new or other places.

So I'm looking. I'm seeing. I'm breathing and I know the flight will be over soon and then I'll be back on the ground and things will be normal again. In the meantime I notice every bump in the air, every slight turn, listen carefully to every word from the pilot, I watch the little map that shows me how long I've got left to go and just where in the world we are, and then I look forward to landing.

I Haven't Been Here Before (Now is the Time for Yoga)

I have always moved around. And when a relationship ended, a simple geographical rearrangement meant breaking up was actually relatively easy. And what we're about to try in this transition wasn't ever really possible before because I would just leave town in the past and now I'm not doing that.

So the new arrangement is supposed to be that John, my "partner," is going to move out and I guess we're downgrading our status to "boyfriend/girlfriend," until further notice. I haven't tried this one before - move out and still see each other. We just need space apparently and this is a way to get some space and then see if we can regroup and make it better.

I think it might just be the beginning of a long goodbye, but I'm open and will be fully participating in "making it work." I feel angry and totally rejected and sad and miserable and did I mention really, really sad? And I also don't want this in my house anymore and so I'm optimistic and willing and loving and patient and supportive. But I'm nervous and realistic and optimistic and detached and again, really, really sad.

This morning we were all lying in bed and I was aware that this might be the last time it was me in the middle. And maybe not. Maybe we'll "work it out" and I'll have a family again. I'm preparing myself that it might not happen and clearing out my future of images I've had. I told John this is messing with my future, and it's true. It is making me wipe the slate that I had put drawings on that were just drawings anyhow. That plan is not what we're working from now and there's nothing in the future, just "wait and see what happens."

Last night I listened to a quick clip from Werner Erhard and it made a lot of sense. He says we all make the mistake of thinking a relationship is going to make us happy when what we need to do is be happy and then have the relationship be an expression of our happiness. And Tony De Mello writes that basically all of the things we think are loving in relationships are our attachments and that we're not really experiencing love when we cling and label and all of that, that true happiness comes for no reason at all.

Getting Clear

The picture is getting more clear and I'm feeling a lot better as things clear up! As my buddy Anthony De Mello says, "reality is always manageable," or something like that.

I've been pretending for a long time that things were okay with me when they weren't. And I didn't want to listen to my "inner voice." My inner voice doesn't usually suggest things to me that are convenient. She will tell me things that sometimes disrupt situations and make me choose different directions. Of course, she's always right, however, I pretend like she's not and I go on in my life like a sort of impostor.

I pretend that it's not bothering me, but it is bothering me. I pretend that I'm in a good situation, but I'm not. And that disconnect is life-sucking. When I pretend that I'm okay when I'm not, I'm doing damage to myself.

There's a way high-up place where the perspective is "it's all good." But that's not where I live. I live on the ground in the weather, in a house, with a kid, where I'm actually impacted by what happens. The universal, global view of "it's all good," is true, it's just that living at that altitude isn't appropriate for improving the conditions in this house on this planet at this time. It's nice to have that in the back of my mind, like zooming way out and seeing that nothing really matters and it's all okay. Then zoom back in and see that a good way to drive a car is to move it forwards, not to drive around backwards looking through the rear view mirror. It can be done, but it's not efficient.

So it's like being at a certain depth or frequency. They all exist, but there's a level or place where I live and at that place if I pretend that I'm not there when really I am, things don't work.

Anyways, blah blah blah, it looks like we're breaking up but it will take a while to get things sorted out. I'm ready to let it go knowing that I can't pretend these things aren't important to me when really they are. Letting go of my values in order to have a warm body around isn't worth it. He knows, I know, we're still talking it all out and it's really inconvenient to make a move, but it beats the life-sucking alternative.

Up All Night

I have been up all night a few times in my life - usually because I was having so much fun. I didn't mind the consequences then. Last night I stayed up all night alone mulling over my life and specifically my relationship, which I determined must be over and I'm concerned about having to teach yoga all day.

Just a little while ago (like an hour ago) I heard some of those things people say in movies, things I'm not used to hearing. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I'll make it up to you. Give me a week to prove it to you."

I want so badly for it to work out. I want so much for me to have been right in my choice of partner. I'm listening to Christian Carter's How to Catch a Man and Keep Him CDs, which reminds me that what's attractive is to just be yourself, which is what I need to do in any case. I'm listening to classic John Gray tapes, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, and reminding myself that men are like rubber bands and need to stretch out and that it's okay to let them go. I'm breathing into the sensations in my belly and wondering if I'm being duped. If I'm being a total loser and an idiot. If I have what it takes to be in a successful relationship. If I'll ever heal the wounds of my past. If the fear of being abandoned and rejected again will ever really go away. If I'll ever be able to just relax in this one.

I recognize where I'm in reaction and being clingy and needy. I notice how my love is conditional and how I want something in exchange, which really makes it not love at all. I see my daughter being affected by what I do as well as what I don't do, and that scares me because I so badly want her to have a good growing-up time, a time that is swiftly coming to a close.

I see that I want a relationship not only for "good reasons." I don't like being alone. I don't want to go to bed by myself. I want someone around who likes me. I know it's not going to "make me happy" to have my partner behave the way I want him to but I want to try.

And I know that for it to work, it has to be workable. And up until 6 am, this has not been workable. So I'll give it a week. I'll give him a week. He said he'll smarten up and show me that he loves me. God, I sound so typical? stereotypical? predictable? in denial? It doesn't sound good, at any rate. I don't like what I'm hearing myself say. He says it was a turning point. He had a realization. He doesn't want to lose me.

I've never made it past here before. It always ended. I want to see what's on the other side. I mean, many couples who are "successful" have had times where they thought it was over. The Obamas even had some rocky times, right?

Waiting at the Gate

Whenever I fly, I get this sort of sick, excited feeling in my body. I don't like the feeling. I really don't like to fly because I have to go through that feeling every time I do it - that sort of waiting at the gate feeling, waiting for the plane to take off and find out we're okay in the air. I know it's not rational, but it's how I feel when I'm taking a trip by air. It doesn't stop me from taking trips, as you know, but it is a yucky part of it.

That's how I feel this morning. It's like I'm waiting at the gate and I'm getting on a plane. I'm going on a trip but this isn't one I'm looking forward to so much. Maybe it's more of a business trip feeling. I'm dreading it. But it's too late, I'm going. I don't want to go, but I'm going. I'm not sure where this trip is taking me. I still don't know if I'm going to wind up single soon, or back to living by myself with a boyfriend on the outside, or just back where I was with John before all of this happened, except in a newer, fresher place.

If I was able to get up into something like a traffic helicopter and get a good view of the situation, I'm sure I could see this from a less emotional perspective and see how there are clogged areas that will be freed up soon and that there are other roads that are flowing smoothly. But I'm not. I'm in the car on the road in a traffic jam, not knowing how long I'm going to be asked to sit here. I do know though, that I won't be in this place forever. The traffic will move along eventually and I'll be on my way. I just don't know to where.

Back to the waiting at the gate feeling - what I do when I'm really going on a trip is I distract myself and I breathe deeply. If I'm on a plane and I get that feeling, I get out of my seat and I look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and just start to feel normal. If I'm on the ground before the flight, I chat with my travel companion or I get on the phone with my friends and just deal with the time until the departure. I could use some of that action now. Just breathe deeply, don't dwell on it, call my friends, read the paper, get back to work, things like that. Feel normal. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

Update

I haven't been updating my blog lately because things have been really hard in my life right now and I'm sad and depleted and worried about the future, so anything I really wanted to say wasn't going to make it into the blog.

The relationship I'm in is having a big breakdown at the moment and things at home are not good. And I know that the good times in a relationship are temporary, and so are the bad times, so this may not mean that it's always going to be this way, but it might, and that sucks.

I started this blog almost exactly 2 years ago to deal with what was coming up as I was in the process of finding a partner. I met him and quietened the conversation about relationships, even though I would always privately have had something to say about it. And now even though I'd love to present my case on my blog for why I'm being hard done by and present evidence for your consideration, I know that that wouldn't be right and I'm not going to do it.

So just know that I'm having a hard time. I may be breaking up with my boyfriend/partner and I'm really sad. I'm open to it working out, however, the signs are mixed and actually are pointing in the other direction.

I'm using all my tools of breathing, forgiving, meditating, and they're helping, but not sparing me from the pain that goes with being attached to an outcome that isn't happening. I want something that I don't have and I have something that I don't want and I'm caught up in that. And I may also just be in an incompatible relationship that was doomed from the beginning.

I may be in a great relationship going through a rough period or I may be in a relationship that's about to end - it's not obvious to me at the moment. In any case, I'm totally impacted by it. In some moments I rise above it, looking at the weather on the ground from my higher seat of consciousness, and in other moments, I'm in the storms and blizzards happening and trying to make my way home.

Happy New Year!

I had a fairly uneventful New Year's Eve. I think in the future I'm going to make plans to be someplace warm for both Christmas and New Year's Eves. Just blast out of here and come back when it's all over.

On another note, Zahra's puppies are now watchable via puppycam 24/7. They still don't have their eyes open yet and they don't really walk yet, but they "swim," and they're extra cute. Zahra's taking more time away from them for herself now but she's with them a lot and it's so neat to watch. The pups are all vigorous nursers and she handles it all very gracefully.

Again on another note, the end of the year is a time to let go. Yoga is about letting go. Exhaling is about letting go. And as I was teaching earlier this week, I was sharing with people about using the exhale to let go of what we don't need. Our culture right now is suffering the consequences of holding on too much and not letting go. But one of the ways to take a deeper inhalation is to simply make a bigger exhalation. So too in life. Let go more completely and your life will be filled with more fun, more joy, more life. But it's hard to for us to let go. It's scary, it's against common thinking, it seems strange. The thing is, it works.

Try it! Let go of something and see what happens. Chances are there won't be a void for long. That space will get filled up real quick. Exhale, let go, and the inhalation be bigger.

Here's the puppycam.