So Quiet in Here (More Free Parking)

I'm thinking of that Van Morrison song (So Quiet in Here) and how now things feel quieter in my head. To me that song is about being in a peaceful place, which is where I still am today. I still cried for a few seconds, but when things are good I do that pretty much everyday anyways. When an ambulance goes by and people pull over, when I see someone help someone else, something on TV, when something moves me, today it was an Alanis song on the radio. So I'm good. (By the way, her brother is an awesome yoga teacher. Check him out when he's back in town in July.)



In fact, I'm able to report that what's on my mind is parking in and around my street. It's been a pet peeve of mine for sometime how cars outside my house will be ticketed everyday before 11:30 am in a 1-hour parking zone, however, just around the corner at Rideau and Dalhousie right in front of Besserer, cars will be parked in the no stopping zone at 4:30 when I'm trying to get to yoga. I've even seen people feed the meter at that hour - in the no stopping zone. You know I've called the city to report it. More than once. They promise me by-law doesn't have a set schedule but observation tells me that they have a regular routine and my guys finish at 3 or something.

Anyway, yesterday someone on my street cleverly took a no parking sign with arrows on it near the corner of the intersection and taped over one of the arrows. What do you think is going on now? People are parking on both sides of the street and it's hard to get in and out of my street. I wonder how long it will take until by-law sees that it's duct tape over the sign. I've got to go out and get a picture to show you. Living in the city. Hmpf. I admire it when people take interesting steps to get what they want, I do.

Maybe it's because I've finally come down with a cold including headache, runny eyes, cough and I guess a bad mood, that I'm being picky.

Sensations

After my last post down there, you may not be surprised to find out that there were a lot of sensations that came up around all of this. I took this as a bonus opportunity to practice with my meditation. I am doing The Presence Process and I've been reading a lot of Pema Chodron and some other stuff. One of the messages of all of these sources is to breathe into sensations rather than avoid them or try to get them to go away. And it's kind of like a trick, because if you breathe into the sensations, allowing to them to be there, they tend to go away. But if you attend to the sensations with getting them to go away on your mind, they won't. So you have to be sneaky (mainly just not attached to the outcome) if you want to use this technique to get sensations to dissipate.

Anyways, one of the things Pema Chodron talks about is how our culture avoids endings. We celebrate beginnings and tend to ignore the fact that an end is actually a new beginning. We dread endings. So while I was feeling the sensations in my body, I recognized that they were actually the sensations of my relationship ending, which is at the same time, the sensation of a new beginning. That lifted my spirits and made me feel happy. So I went back into the sensations, feeling them tingle in my body, felt tears on my face, and recognized that they were indeed the sensations of me embarking on a new beginning!

And there's more! Another thing Pema talks about is how we can use a sort of meditation to breathe into someone else's pain and breathe out peace. If we aren't feeling strong enough to do it for someone else, we can do it for ourselves and spread it out so that we feel we're breathing in the pain that's shared by all the people who are in that situation. So rather than feeling like I was isolated and alone after breathing into my sensations, I felt a connection to all of the people who are also late in letting go of their past loves, all of the people whose hearts are broken, and even though I couldn't see them, I could totally feel them. It made me feel not alone at all, but really in the middle of a large group of people.

Refer to the sidebar if you notice feeling sorry for me or thinking I'm taking forever in getting over what was actually a relationship that had been souring for many months and maybe was never really on strong footing. This to me is a huge victory. I used the sensations to further my awareness of myself and to bust up old patterns. Because those sensations and that sadness had little to do with my most recent relationship ending. I know I've had that stuff with me for ages. And like letting go of a bad habit or addiction, common sense doesn't make a difference. Knowing that it's time to stop doing it doesn't make it so. Something else has to happen. I know, because I've done it before with other bad habits.

I know I may not be done, but it feels again so great to have a big clearing. When I quit smoking I went through a similar process - there were big gaps and then a big smoke fest. And when I did finally quit smoking, it was spontaneous and just happened after much consideration and trying. And when it went away, it left. I don't manage my behaviour or avoid certain situations or people or anything. I simply don't have the craving or urge or any remnants of that in my mind space. So whether I'm done with feeling hurt and sad or not isn't the victory. The victory for me is that I see the coin - it has both sides. So the feeling of sadness there is so connected to the feeling of happiness and openness and that's what I've been sitting in today.

Lying and Cheating

I was catching up on some local blogs and came across this posting about men cheating on women, especially in the context of the Jon and Kate show. I don't watch that show but I do live in a world where it seems like men cheating on women is just one of those things we all have to live with and it irritates me also. I know women cheat too, but I don't. I'm much more of a "let's talk about what's going on" kind of person, as you can well imagine.

There's something about being lied to that is so offensive to me. The truth is always manageable on some level. Reality is manageable. And if I step back and take that for truth, then the truth of being lied to is also manageable. When the liar won't admit his lies, then sometimes I have to just breathe, and notice how smart I am for being a great lie detector, and notice that I'm being lied to, where do I feel that in my body, and go on with my day.

I'm pretty sure I was lied to last night. He couldn't help it.

It was towards the end of our relationship that I became aware that there were cover-ups and some scheming. So I'm a bit familiar with that laugh, the looking away, the denying words, and I'm learning to trust my gut. Now, his lying doesn't matter to me on this side of the relationship. It matters a bit in that we're forging a "friendship" and I guess my friends might lie to me and I wouldn't notice. And I know that his potential lie, because that's what it is, I only have his word, which I don't believe, came in response to a pointed question from me that I suspect he was uncomfortable answering, which is why the potential lie came out. To not break the conversation, to keep going with the flow, to protect his privacy, whatever. So I accept that I asked a pointed question that was perhaps none of my business. And I accept perhaps if I don't want to be lied to I could avoid asking things that will generate lies. But I don't like walking on egg shells or dancing around topics. The truth feels so much better.

And until the potential lie is admitted or I come around to believing his words, I'm feeling lied to. And that feels like betrayal and like a knot in my stomach and like waking up early and not peaceful or giving me peace of mind. So I pull back and see the pattern, notice the sensations, and the "wow, it feels like I've been lied to," and not make it mean anything. He was put on the spot, he lied to save face, to try and spare my feelings (knowing all the while I'd rather hear the truth than the lies but nevermind), I poked around, and it's not the end of the world.

It drives me crazy when people won't admit the actions they've done unless they're faced with proof - this is the case of what happened during my days at/with Kripalu. The guru didn't admit what he'd done at the time. Over and over he was asked and he denied it until he was faced with a smoking gun. Then he admitted it. He got away with it for a long time. Finally he had to tell the truth and it's the truth that sets you free. Reality is manageable. But the damage done during the period of denial is slow to heal. Same thing in any relationship. Being lied to, telling lies, is toxic and when it stops, even if the truth is ugly and shameful and disturbing, healing can happen.

Strange Sounds

I was just listening to an interview on Q with Mark Johnson who developed Playing for Change and he talked about being in Nepal looking through a music shop's CDs that had all of this traditional music and in the middle of it all was Bob Marley's Legend. It reminded me of a similar experience I had quite close to where he had that one but a long time ago.

I spent a few months in Thailand in 1990 and my visa ran out after 3 months. The deal is you had to leave the country and then you could come back. Going north wasn't really an option, going to Malaysia was expensive, but flights to Calcutta were cheap, so I took one of those.

I'm trying to give the short version here to get to the foothills of the Himalayas. The streets of Calcutta were awesome and full and it's on that trip that I met Mother Teresa. Anyway, I wanted to get out of town and see something new so I applied for a visa to go up to Darjeeling, way north. I took a bus up and was told that the views would be incredible. The bus ride is worthy of a whole post of its own (so is the train trip down!), but I made it and that Darjeeling stay was something else. The weather was so bad that I could barely see 6 feet in front of me let alone the spectacular views that were promised in the travel guide. Sometimes the weather cleared and I could see the garbage strewn all along the hills of the city built all up and down the sides of the mountains but I never saw snow capped mountains on that trip at all. Some boys gave me their pictures to show me the views when I was in the train on the way down to give me an idea of what I'd missed.

Anyway, I was by myself up there and wandered around and drank tea and shopped and read (I remember I was reading the Accidental Tourist at the time), and managed all of the questions about if I was Christian or not, I got that a lot and there was a big Christian community up there. So I'm far, far away from home. I'm in a strange place that had a lot visitors - mainly Tibetans and Nepalese - and I found a dry cafe to sit in and read and write. I'm sitting there away from everything and I'll never forget this, on the radio they played Bryan Adams.

Tweet

I came across this post and I liked what it said. I love finding a practice in unusual places!

http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/features.php?id=19088

Oh, and of course, I am on Twitter, but I haven't been tweeting as much as I meant to!
http://twitter.com/capitalyoga

We Ran

Yesterday my daughter and I "ran" the 5K. It was fun to be a part of such a super scene in Ottawa. I love that race.

I'm not sure that I expected that we'd really run the race but I did think we'd at least run more of it than we did. So when my daughter wanted to stop, I didn't want to just yet. I wanted to push her and keep going a bit. She didn't appreciate it. "Mom, if you think that's helping, (when I'd acknowledge the little, shorter kids whipping past us) it's NOT!" She's right. I noticed that I wanted us to be doing something other than what we were doing.

When I noticed I wasn't present with her, I slowed down and we walked in a more relaxed way. I stopped trying to get her to run from the pole to the next tree kind of thing and just enjoyed our time together. At the end when she saw how close we were to the finish things picked up and we ran across the finish line.

We did have a good time although if you ask her if it was fun, she'll say the middle part was rough. But she really liked the end and getting the medal!

Pocket Pema

I took myself shopping today to get the book I was in the middle of yesterday, When Things Fall Apart, but gave back to Heidi because she lent it to me and wanted to read it and I insisted she take it back because I could just walk up the street and get one, for heaven's sake. First I checked the library to see if they had it. They do, but there's a waiting list. So I thought I'd walk up to Chapters and use my discount card and buy it there. They were sold out. I looked at their online service to see if other stores in Ottawa have it. Nope. None.

Then I walked to Nicholas Hoare thinking there's a tiny chance they'd have it and I could finally use the gift certificate I got for Christmas. They've got The Power of Now and some other stuff, but nothing by Pema Chodron. Haven't even heard of her. "She's a Buddhist nun who lives in Nova Scotia," I told the lady at the desk. Nope. "Try Sunnyside Books down the street." "Of course." I thought to myself. "They'll totally have it." They don't. They're going to get it in stock in 10 days. So in the meantime, I bought a "Pocket Pema Chodron," a "Pocket Pema," if you will.

I read a bit of it in class tonight and asked the class, "why haven't you told me about her books before?" Afterward, one of the regulars to that class confided that he knows Pema and studied with her ages ago, just hasn't seen her in a couple of years. (Luc told me today she's coming soon to Omega. So it's in the air.) And the guy in my class said he likes her teachings because they're to the point, said he was a backsliding Buddhist. Then he told me I teach my yoga class like a Buddhist - and I knew as he said it that it was a compliment.

More Meditation

So I picked up this book at Heidi's the other day, "When Things Fall Apart," by Pema Chodron, and I can't believe I haven't read it before. What a great book. Early on she says something she learned from her teachers and that is to "lean into the sharp points." Not in a bad way, in a curious way. I hear myself in my head saying in a class, "find the places you feel the most and breathe into them." Chances are that the places you feel the most are the ones that are uncomfortable. That's how it goes. But our culture is obsessed with getting rid of sensations, of removing sensations and somehow keeping the ones we like and discarding the ones we don't like.

Her book at the part I'm at, at any rate, is about how it's all the same thing and to feel one brings you the other. In yoga it's called duality - when you pick up a coin, you get both sides. She's writing about being compassionate with ourselves during times when we're feeling. It's brilliant. In the video below she talks about compassion, Maitri, a friendliness we can have towards ourselves.

Anyways, I'm really digging this book because even if things aren't falling apart, the message is still a good one. And the message is don't bother trying to be attached to things being a certain way because they won't stay that way. Don't cling. Nothing's solid. We won't be rescued. This is it. All of that future thinking is just a way to feel better about how things are now. Feel how it is now - that's the truth and that's how things are.

I still can't believe I haven't picked this up before! She's come to Omega in the past while I worked there and I've felt her presence but I didn't read her books. Up until now ;)

One of the things she says in this clip towards the end that she also writes in her book is that the Buddha taught that there is inevitable pain in life, through aging and illness and death for sure, but also through loving another. That by loving another and being open, we feel a lot of pain when we lose that person. I thought that was really touching because sometimes the teachings I hear say that if you really love someone then you won't miss them or something like that or that somehow it's a continuation of life and there's no pain in it. So this was just a reassuring message that yea, life hurts. There's no way around that. But she goes on in other teachings, so it's not really a downer :)



Here's another one. If you have a few minutes check it out. She's brilliant!

Good Vibrations

I'm having a day where I'm feeling a bit disillusioned. It happens every once in a while and it's part circumstantial but it's really just a part of me coming out that resonates with the vibration of disillusionment.

It probably started when I watched Religulous on Saturday night. That was a downer. The real downer came when I listened to the director's commentary and how judgemental they were, how these guys really put people down and let's just say it wasn't pleasant for me.

Then yesterday I was reminded of some bad stuff people I know do and you know, we're all not perfect, and we're all liars and no one's got it and all of that, and some of us are seriously skewed. And that gets me to wondering if yoga makes a difference at all and if there's a point in "helping" when "help" isn't "helpful." People still mess up.

Of course yoga "helps" and of course people are good and of course there's a good reason to provide space and conversations and opportunities and all of that. I just forget sometimes.

So I'm going to tune into why it's good and why it makes a difference and be with that for a bit before I go and lead a couple of classes! I need to go and be at the source for myself and not be influenced by some of the strong vibrations around me. I'm going to go get me some Good Vibrations!

Can't Get Carrots at Canadian Tire

This video was made just now by Remi and her pal who slept over, Sarah. Ask me sometime to tell you about how normal living keeps a spiritual seeker grounded. I can never take myself or other people, for that matter, seriously because it really all just comes down to this kind of thing.

On another note, Heidi has said this before and I know she'll say it again and I think it's brilliant, "you can't get carrots at Canadian Tire." When you go looking for something, make sure you're looking in the right place. Trying to get something that obviously isn't available is silly and a waste of time. Trying to get people to be different or things to be different is a bit silly when that's how things are.

We're about to wander around the Rideau Centre now for a bit...

Mamma Mia!

I finally opened up the DVD I got for Christmas but couldn't watch for reasons that may have become boring to regular readers and I don't want you to all feel sorry for me so just know I watched Mamma Mia and didn't cry (much). There's nothing like a little slumber party happening next to you and a girlfriend whose situation for the moment seems way worse than yours to make it so you can watch a movie that only weeks before was too sad to watch.

Men in Black 2 is on now but I've got to meditate and go to bed. I asked my kid to set the timer so it turns off after awhile because I don't want to wake up at 3 am and hear that DVD at the main menu going on and on and over and over with the intro music. Know what I mean? I don't want to hear that.

I love 10-year olds. I remember that 10 was an awesome year for me and as I recall 11 was a close runner up. I think Remi might say that this is the Year of Awesomeness if she identified it as that. Everything's the "thing of awesomeness" at the moment. The blue top I was wearing in the photo shoot below was the "top of awesomeness," for instance.

Okay, Must. Meditate. Then bed.

New Vision

I was out for a walk yesterday with a friend who lives near Gatineau Park. It was so lovely. There were no bugs and the forest floor was covered with Trilliums (is that Trillia?) and it was just really nice. As we walked along I found myself being drawn to slow down and check out the clover. It's a bit of a bad habit depending on who you ask.

(Context is everything when you're looking at clover. If I look for clover while I'm waiting for the schoolbus that Remi's on, it might appear that I'm searching for a lost piece of crack. Woman standing by herself, searching the ground, my neighbourhood - that might say "looking for dropped drugs.")

Remi doesn't like it when I slow down to look at clover. She wants to move along and having me stop and stare at the ground doesn't work for her sometimes.

But Alain thought 4-leaf clovers were rare. I said that maybe they are rare, it's just that I can find them. After finding 11 of them, he got the impression they're not rare and it changed his perception. He admitted that he hadn't really looked before, but that was in part because he didn't think it would be easy to find them. And again, it may not be easy - it's easy for me. I trained myself to find 4-leaf clovers years ago.

The hardest part was believing they existed. It took me at least a year to find one. Maybe two years. I looked and looked on occasion. Then I found one. I was so proud. Then a year later I found another one. That encouraged me to keep looking. Then a few months would go by and I'd find another. Eventually they started jumping out at me even as I was out on a run. Now you can just put me in a patch of clover and give me a minute or two and I'm fairly confident that I could come up with one for you. I don't even pick them anymore. If I do, I press them and then I end up with a bunch of dried 4-leaf clovers and nothing do do with them, so they wind up in the garbage.

So now my vision is trained to see odd clover. I figure it's what makes me a good proofreader.

As I was telling the cops last week during our stress reduction seminar, one of the keys to achieving a goal is to believe that it's possible. Without that, there will be all sorts of blocks in the way. I'm sure I've written about this before, but here it goes again. I have a personal example of how beliefs can change your vision.

I bought my first car when I was living in New York, out in the country. I needed a car and I didn't have a ton of money so I knew I'd need a used one. I saw my car in the parking lot of the Kingston Valley Mall. It as a white Honda CRX. Two-seater. Sweet. It turns out that my neighbours were selling it. One of the things about it, was that it didn't have all of the features installed, including the sunroof. It had a cut out of where the sunroof would be, but it wasn't there. Oh well. It would have been nice. I even considered saving some money and getting the sunroof installed one day.

I thought about that often, about how great it would be if that car had a sunroof. But I liked my car as it was and was grateful to have that awesome car. One day, my sister was visiting from Ottawa and we had the car running to get the a/c going. She looked at the dash and said, "what's that button for?" Well, you can see where this is going. She pushed the button and it opened the sunroof.

I believed with such certainty that my car didn't have a sunroof that it impaired my vision. I didn't physically see the button that had been on my dash the whole time that opened the sunroof and I'd had that car for well over a year when she discovered it.

To see with new eyes is to really let go of old beliefs or to get some new ones. Without the belief, your vision won't work properly. You won't believe your eyes!

Mothers Day Coming Up

Tomorrow's Mother's Day. Remi and I are teaching Mother-Daughter Yoga again, which should be a lot of fun. We've been having a good time lately and now that I'm not spending a bunch of time doing all sorts of other things, we're spending a little more time together. Almost two weeks ago we did a photo shoot with Robin at unposed.com and it was so much fun that even without seeing the pictures, Remi wanted to do it again right away.

Today's her recital and it's a time to celebrate all of the hard work she's been up to this year. I hardly know anyone at the group recitals because her dad takes her to the group violin classes on Fridays. I take her to the private class during the week - we do Suzuki, so there's one group class and one private class each week - but I only see the other kids and parents a couple of times a year at concerts.

So I got a new, bigger viola the other day. I've played it a few times but it's going to take some getting used to. Remi can play her songs on a lower string so we can play together, but if I read the music as written and she plays what she knows, we're in different keys and it sounds, uh, unharmonious. Quite dissonant, really, and it's okay for a few seconds, but after that it's just wrong.

When I played as a younger person I would get tightness in my body and I remember one of my teachers pointing out that I held my breath while I played. I think that's probably really common for players in general and I can remind myself now to breathe.

It's my intention that my playing support Remi's and that we can play some tunes together. Some duets! And I'd also like to learn some songs that maybe she could accompany me on! I'll let you know how it's going.

Feeling at Peace

One of the things I'm noticing the most right now after completing the Landmark Forum the other day is that I feel really at peace. At peace in my world, with myself, with what I have and what I don't have, and it's something I'm noticing that I don't want to disturb. I'm savouring it.

Before I went to the Forum, I was struggling with a few things, including relationship stuff as regular readers of this blog are aware! Since coming back, I notice that I'm reluctant to do things that will disturb that peace. It's not that I'm attached to it, it's that I'm noticing that it's there. I'm so used to it not being there, that having that inner calm seems almost precious, and worth protecting. I know it won't last! But I'm just resting in that place right now.

John called and my stomach didn't flutter. I don't jump to read my emails from anyone. I don't want to engage. I'm pulling back and just sitting in my space. I'm totally interacting, don't get me wrong - I haven't withdrawn to a cave or anything - but I can see where my usual habit patterns would have me stir stuff up to get a little action going internally and I'm not doing that.

I like being single. I don't want to change a thing. And I know that will change! But right now, today, I'm at peace and actually happy. Happy with what's here and what's not. Happy with my choices. At peace with myself. Wow. That's something.

Creating Possibility

One of the possibilities I created for myself this weekend (which I can change at any time) is the possibility of being complete. (If you haven't done the Landmark Forum, forgive me, it may make sense anyhow.) I was choosing a possibility that would call me into action. This one sure did.

I called my sister to chat. First of all I was surprised that she answered because I wasn't expecting her to be around, so I was caught off guard, and then she said, "so do you want to share a possibility with me or something?" Well, because I'd just invented a new possibility of being complete, the first thing that showed up was where I was incomplete with her. So I told her about what was up, she chatted with me about it and was great actually, and that was that. Our conversation went on about other things. That was nice.

So what has come up for me though in general is where I'm not feeling complete. And feeling incomplete for me is not a pleasant feeling. I could change my possibility, but this one's working. I see there's a big pile of stuff in front of me and by completing it bit by bit, it will be done. But while I'm getting through it, it stinks. I'm sitting with being incomplete (and it's not like IM in complete or not whole, it's that there's things I need to say and resolve and sort out in general with people and myself) and it's, well, uncomfortable. And I can go to bed at night and be complete with being incomplete and it works, but because of the possibility I invented, I wake up and being complete is there. So when I look at projects or talk to people, what I see is what's in my way, which is great. I can then choose to move it or walk around it, as I have chosen for sure, or blast it away or throw it behind me or whatever.

It's like the obstacles on the path of yoga that Pantanjali talks about but these ones for me show up in relationships with other people. I know when I'm not saying what I want to say and sometimes that's okay. I'm just aware that I'm left feeling not self-expressed and for me, that stands out, because I prefer to feel self-expressed.

Inventing Possibilities

As I've mentioned, I reviewed the Landmark Forum this past weekend and it actually finishes tonight, when I head back to Montréal to complete. I really got something this time about myself that's useful that I'll share that with you now!

When I look back at choices I've made, the ones I'm really satisfied with are the ones where I "invented a possibility" about them. For instance, my house. Years ago while my daughter was a toddler I was living in a small apartment and I realized that I really wanted to live in my own house. So I "invented the possibility" of having a house and then I started doing stuff that moved me towards the direction of having my own home. And voilà, I'm in my own place. I still complain about it sometimes, but I'm really satisfied with my choice.

Same thing with my car. Even with the Echo. I "invented the possibility" of having a new car that would be reliable and after some time, there's the car. Sure, it had its drawbacks, but I was very satisfied with that car. Until I invented the possibility of having a car with power windows, and as you know, there's the Rabbit. I love my car. LOVE it. It has its issues, but overall, I am really satisfied with that choice.

When I feel like I'm stuck with something or I've wound up or ended up with something, I don't feel satisfied with that choice. It doesn't occur for me as a choice, but as a result I've gotten out of being in reaction rather than creation.

The invention of possibilities is not limited to objects, it was just easy to demonstrate using objects. It can be with inner states, too. How I saw my daughter's violin practice changed when I invented the possibility of her being a musician rather than experiencing her as a screechy early-years violinist. But "inventing the possibility" isn't enough I found. There's something in the experience of choosing that makes a difference. Choosing things to be as they are, and if not, inventing possibilities around what's missing, the presence of which would make a difference.

(If you like the picture, check out Robin Andrew at www.unposed.com - she's a great photographer! We did a photo shoot with her last weekend and that's one of the pictures she took.)

Crashing in Montreal

I said a while ago that I hardly know anyone outside of yoga and that's pretty much true. One of the other ways I know people is from Landmark Education. I did the Landmark Forum back in 2004 and since then I've taken a number of courses. (Back in 1991 when I first went to Kripalu to live, the Forum was happening the day I arrived. As I was too early of a resident to join in, I didn't take it. But I lived with 350 people who had just done it. So the Landmark Education distinctions all sound like yoga to me.) I'm redoing the Landmark Forum again this weekend and I'm staying with a friend who did the Forum at the same time. I'm with another yogini and we're crashing in a part of town here in Montreal I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been to before.

It's great! I'm with people I like doing some work I love and it's feeling really good. I've gotten back in touch with people and with myself at the same time and I must say, it's just what the doctor ordered.

I could go on and on about what I'm seeing and how I'm feeling and what ah-has I've had and I may just do that on another day. But I can tell you that I am for sure feeling more myself than I've felt in a long time. I have been doing this stuff for a long time and I stopped almost a year ago - the treks to Montreal seemed too much at one point - and I gave up except for a few short visits.

This happened to me with yoga once too. I stopped for a while. I got creaky and stiff and uncomfortable and I even went numb in my body sometimes at night. That freaked me out and I started going back to yoga practice and I haven't looked back.

I don't imagine that I'll ever give up yoga again. It keeps me sane and in touch with myself and physically comfortable. And after this weekend I think I could probably say that I won't give up being in some sort of Landmark Education program again (there are all sorts of ways I can be doing the education) because it also keeps me sane but rather than having me be in touch with myself so much, I'm more in touch with other people when I'm practising my Landmark stuff. So Montreal's great, but I'm not really here. I'm just crashing for the night while I spend my days and most of the evenings in sessions and on the phone and being in touch with what's really important to me in my life.