My Own Practice

Yoga classes tend to be an hour and a half these days. Some are shorter, some are even longer, but usually they're about an hour and a half. I like doing what I do in my class on my own, but it doesn't take me as long because I'm not describing any of it, so I just do it. I find I can do most of what I usually lead in my intermediate class in about an hour. I also like to add meditation to the end of it because that feels right, especially if I haven't already done a meditation and if I don't have anything else I have to do right afterwards.

Traditionally people will do their practice first thing in the morning, before the sun rises and it gets hot. That's not my circumstance here in Ottawa and I have a kid at home getting ready for school, so I always wait until she's out of the house and then I can do my practice. Midday or late morning feels good if my schedule allows. I don't have the stiffness from the morning, nor the hunger, and if I time it just right I can eat breakfast and practice before a sort of later lunch. Some days I just meditate and don't do asana practice. Other days I go to a class someone else is leading.

As I get older, I notice more of a difference if there's a gap in my practice. I get stiff sooner or my concentration goes away faster. So I'm motivated to keep it up because restarting can feel disorienting and sometimes deflating. But sometimes my life doesn't allow me to keep my routine or the order as I like it. And I'm not a victim, I could fight for my routine, but sometimes it's important to let something else in, like more work, or other people! Finding the balance is one of my hobbies. It goes off balance and I try and regain it. I figure I'll always be able to find it even though sometimes I worry that I won't.

I missed blogging here

Since I moved my blog, I haven't been blogging. That's funny. I integrated my blog with my main web site and then I got shy. I didn't want my "customers" having to read my daily surprises I guess. Or I thought my daily a-has or updates on my love life would be not professional, which they're not, so back to my personal space for moment.

It's Sunday morning - time for me to get ready to teach yoga. The house is quiet, it's still outside too, and it's a special time for me as I get ready to be one of the few cars on the road heading to a place where the people who show up are really special too. To get up and be at a yoga class on Sunday morning really takes something. And to do it regularly instead of laying around or having a coffee in bed, doing a crossword or whatever people do when they lay around in bed, I think says a lot about those people.

I recently got a new boyfriend, which feels amazing, and the urge to lay around in bed on Sunday morning instead of getting up to teach yoga is so strong that I made sure I was alone last night. I hate having to fight with myself to get up. I prefer to bounce out of bed and get on with my day. Feeling torn may have some romantic ring to it, but it feels crappy to me, so I just nipped it in the bud and said, "No. I want to be alone Sunday morning."

I never meant to teach yoga every Sunday morning for 10 years. I meant to do it temporarily until I had my personal life settle and then I'd go back to having weekends. It's been at least a decade since I had weekends in my life. Now I feel that pull to have a weekend again and maybe if things work out, I'll have my dream of being able to quit teaching yoga Sunday morning so I can remember what people do that's lazy and makes it Sunday morning. But these are early days and I'm up and out of here to teach my class...

Blog is Moving

Hey! My blog is moving to my website, www.capitalyoga.com, which has been my website for a long time but I hadn't updated it in a long time either. It's now up and running although it's encountering some "stuff" as it's going up. So look there for the latest posts beginning with today's post, Integration.

See you there!

Meditation - with Interruptions

I thought I had it made this morning. I was sitting in my old meditation spot (it's a bit more comfortable than my "new" meditation spot) and I was at the end of my meditation feeling pretty satisfied with myself. This morning I managed to hear the running and noise from upstairs and hear the trucks and cars outside and not fixate on how I need to move to a different part of town or a different town or a different country.

I just let the sounds be there and was good with myself and could feel I had just less than a minute to go when my front door went flying open and someone came running into the house. In my neighbourhood it could be anybody running into my house.

But it wasn't, it was my daughter. Thanks to this morning's freezing rain in Ottawa her field trip to the Senate was cancelled and she wanted to wear jeans so she came home to change. She was with friends so the energy was that of a 12 year old multiplied by at least a thousand. So my little meditation vibe came crashing down on me. It's quite alright and was even kind of funny. She was gone almost as fast as she'd come in and my allotted time was up anyhow.

I mean, it's nice when things can be all soft around the edges, but sometimes it's not. Life's kind of like that.

Yesterday on CBC'sTapestry I heard part of a conversation about living a spiritual life in the city (Soul in the City) and the challenges that come with it. I could totally relate to the teacher and if you have the time, I think you might enjoy taking a listen.

Assumptions

One of my Facebook friends posted this video last week and I was moved by it so much that I showed it to the yoga teacher training group last weekend. It speaks for itself so if you want to watch it you'll get the message, which is basically, everybody's dealing with something, so be gentle.

To facilitate movement in life we make assumptions about events and what is good behaviour and what is poor behaviour and then we react accordingly. We do this in larger groups and that becomes our "culture." But the truth is that unless we get in a little closer, we don't know why someone is doing what they're doing. Until we remember this though we often react by doubting ourselves - What did I do to upset that person? Surely I did something or else they'd call me back or keep writing or they wouldn't do that thing that we find out of line. Sometimes it goes the other way and we get mad at people, assuming that they know the impact they're having - why did he do that? Doesn't he know that bothers me? Don't they know that's not okay? And when people's behaviour seems off to us, we get all on our high horses and make judgements so we can be right and our world can make sense.

One of the things that yoga does after time is it takes us to a place of seeing ourselves so closely that we can be surprised and humbled by our own humanity and weaknesses and at the same time, open to our massive capacity for compassion and love for ourselves and all of the people and beings around us.

Sometimes people are responding to what we're doing and it's a great time to check ourselves and notice the impact we're having on the environment we're in. Sometimes people are being rotten and it's best to reduce our interactions with them if we can.

Noticing when we think we're right about someone or recent events or other incidents can clue us in to when we may be making assumptions. That's a good time to ask ourselves what else it could mean and give the people in our lives the benefit of the doubt without rushing to judgement. After that we can take action by responding accordingly.

May All Beings Be Happy :)

Beginners are Tough

I warn people during the teacher training that leading to beginners is harder than they think. Leading a beginning yoga class takes some skill and understanding that leading to people already used to a yoga practice takes to a different degree. At first it seems counter-intuitive - beginners can't "do" as much because they have a lot to learn, so it'll be easier. It's not. Trust me.

Let's look at a beginners class...

People coming to a beginning yoga class often have not done yoga before (there are lots of exceptions as I have had the same people coming to my beginning yoga class for years) and so they are coming for a reason. Do they have a physical issue they want to correct? Did someone recommend yoga? Chances are they're coming because there's something wrong and they want to fix it. They've heard about yoga (who hasn't?) and they want to give it a try.

So the teacher is going to need to be familiar with typical issues people come in with - sore backs, being overweight, tight hips, lack of sleep, arthritis, injuries, knee pain - etc. And the teacher has got to be willing to NOT deal with those things. Be aware of them but not treat them. Everybody wants a simple exercise that they can do that will help their back, neck, belly fat, whatever. It does NOT exist and the teacher needs to resist the urge to fix people. We need to be prepared however, to accommodate their situation with alternate moves so they can get themselves into the poses without further injuring themselves.

Then we have to deal with the fact that people in beginners classes have not already been doing yoga in general (see above for exceptions). People who are not already in a habit are going to possibly be harder to "convert" to a new habit than people who are already in a stream of doing that thing. Same is true for getting books read or other habits in place - how many books do you have on your shelves that you started reading but didn't get through? It really takes something powerful to get people to keep coming back to yoga.

If you've got people in your class with pain and they start a yoga class, chances are they are going to start feeling more of their pain at the beginning and this can be an unpleasant process. As people get more aware of their bodies, they get aware of the discomfort they're in and to get over that and be willing to be faced with it weekly or however often the class is, and it's tricky.

Sometimes people are super-motivated to come to class because they've had a huge change in their lives like being diagnosed with cancer or is losing someone close to them and they will do anything to relax and try to line things up because there's a lot at stake. So they're serious, they don't want to mess around and they don't feel they have time to lose. Those guys need to be handled so gently and offered such a big space to relax and be - holding space for people while they're grieving is a tall order. Once you're trained in doing it it's an immense privilege, but along the way, the yoga teacher can come face-to-face with her own inadequacies and unresolved fears and grief, too.

Moving along...

Beginning yoga students tend to do what you tell them to do as best they can and will try to copy the teacher. If you're a new yoga teacher there's a good chance you like yoga, you're "good at" yoga and you've been doing yoga lots longer than your students. If you go up to the front to demonstrate your full version of the pose, your students are going to knock themselves out trying to follow you. It takes something for the teacher to be aware of her full expression of the pose and resist the urge to go there while guiding her students. It's one thing to inspire and motivate them, but the line is so fine as not only will your students possibly hurt themselves copying your form, they'll think they're supposed to look like you, the teacher, and they're not. They're supposed to look just as they are.

I had an experience this summer while I was at Omega where a famous workshop presenter buckled under the pressure of leading to a diverse group. Her workshop basically fell apart and I was called in to help pick up the slack in the yoga teaching area. When I asked her what happened, she said that the group had so many different expectations and were at all different levels and she didn't know what to do with them. "That's my speciality," I told her as I took her group off of her hands and led the last couple of days' yoga classes. At that moment I realized that even though I'm not the fittest, stretchiest, hottest yoga teacher around, the experience I have from being with beginners wherever they are at has translated into a skill that is useful to me everyday when I teach.

New Life

In Ottawa, recycling goes out every other week, so if one week you put out plastic and metal, the next week you put out paper. And although I'd done a bunch of clearing out before last week's garbage, the stacks of paper had been waiting for many days patiently on the back step for me to put them out.

I came home after yoga last night and began the process of putting the garbage out and then I was face to face with my resistance. Even though I had already decided that my old Who songbooks and magazine articles were ready to go, when the time came to actually put that stuff out on the curb I still wanted to hang on. I considered retrieving some of the notes of great ideas I've had that were in the pile.

Fortunately I have some company around this stuff right now and I was able to have a short conversation about the kind of life I want. I am so ready to have things change. Holding on to this old stuff is the old ways trying to survive.

As I get older I get even more sentimental as each item reminds me of another time and place or brings back memories of people I used to know. As sweet as those moments of memory are, I feel loaded down by the storing of the stuff. I feel faster with less stuff. I feel clearer. Healthier even.

Patanjali's yoga sutras talk about reincarnation. I'm not sure what I believe about life after death but I live like it doesn't matter. So the way I use the yoga sutras is to view reincarnation as happening within this very lifetime. Old ways of being dropping as new ways arise. I've experienced it myself. This conscious letting go of old material stuff is in a way walking into a new life with my eyes open, my arms outstretched (when they're not folded against my chest), saying yes.

(And in less lofty terms I'm just cleaning up after myself :) God forbid I get into an accident and you guys have to come and make sense of my stuff and try and figure out what was important to me versus what I just hadn't gotten around to throwing away...)

Letting it Go

I mentioned a post or two back that I'm doing spring cleaning a bit late. I figure I'm doing last year's, make that the spring of 2008's spring cleaning, oh who am I kidding? I've had junk that seemed valuable that I've been holding onto for years so it actually is not surprising that I have mixed feelings about seeing some of that stuff go.

Here's how I like it to happen. I like to identify the things I'm ready to have removed and have a good friend take them away, preferably in their own car to a place I don't know about where I'm not going to see the stuff again. I imagine the objects that I stored in their pristine condition will go to new homes like cats that are delivered to an animal shelter. I mean, they all get adopted, right?

What I don't like to happen is for me to have to put the stuff in my car and drop it off somewhere. That's not my preference. I'll do it, have done it, will do it again, but it's not the best. I'm not sure what I don't like about it but I know it makes me a bit squeamish.

Sometimes in the past, I've had friends put bigger things out on the curb and even though it's not garbage day, due the neighbourhood I'm in, those things invariably get snatched up within an hour or two. I'm always thinking, what if it rains? Then that "thing" I've saved will be ruined. C'mon, could we get over it already?

My friend, who's been helping me with this round of clearing stuff out, has not gone so far as to drive my stuff away, but he has helped me load my car and has put things out on garbage day. And guys, I don't have a big place, it's not like this is tons of stuff, but it's a lot of stuff. He says I should follow the process, be responsible and aware the whole way along, blah blah blah. And I'm like, "couldn't you just take it to that magic place where formerly-important things go?"

So the other day after garbage day when I saw a guy on a bike wrestling with my old ghetto blaster, I just about lost it. First of all, I thought we were taking electronics to the recycling place, which we had done last week already. Then I wondered where that had been stored and if the guy had come to my back porch and taken it before I was ready to give it away. Or did it go on the curb on Tuesday night and he was just getting his hands on it now? "Luc!" I later queried, "where'd you put that ghetto blaster? How come some guy on a bike has it?"

It didn't matter. By that point I was laughing my head off. If I wanted to make sure it went to a good home, I had proof. It was not a pocket-sized unit. He was a small man on a small bike riding past the homeless shelter. He was super-motivated to take that thing away and as I walked past him struggling to balance with it on his bike I knew he couldn't know that we were performing an invisible transaction.

(He's got a red backpack on and the tape player - double deck! - is in his left hand. The top picture I pulled from the internet as I did not take pictures of the unit before it left.)

Just Because You Do Yoga, Doesn't Mean You're Better

Sometimes I run across people who think that because somebody does yoga, that they're supposed to be better than other people. Like because they've practised relaxation that they should be more relaxed. Sometimes it's the other way around - people who practise yoga and meditation think that they themselves should be more relaxed and have their problems fade into the background.

Guys, just because you practise yoga, doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean you'll be nicer or happier or more peaceful or free from illness or disappointment or somehow you'll get out of doing LIFE. Just because you take care of your body doesn't mean you're not going to die. I know it's hard to think that we are the way we are sometimes, but it's how we are. It can change. But sometimes it doesn't.

If we go to yoga practice thinking we're going to change something, like we're going because we're broke and if we could just fix ourselves a little bit then everything would be okay, we are for sure going to face frustration.

If you practise yoga, you may want to be quiet about it. Other people's expectations rise and they figure that you're going to somehow magically rise above worldly issues of jealousy and attachment. Or you can shout it out to the world that you practise and you're okay and so are they, even when things don't work out, because sometimes they don't.

Yoga is a path of inquiry. Sometimes along the way what we find transforms us. And sometimes it doesn't. The practice is to keep going in the face of doubt and dislike of what we find. The practise is to embrace our humanity so we can embrace others' as well. Eventually, there will be some progress. And if you don't see any, you may not be on the path. Keep practising!

Spring Cleaning (late version)

You know, we all have our areas of unconsciousness. We have places where we could do better and our friends if they got close enough, might scratch their heads and be surprised that we do "that." Like they'd expect us to do better. Some of us eat a lot of junk food. Or we swear. Or we stay in jobs that just keep us secure but we really want to be doing something else. Some of us keep projects around that we mean to do. Or we keep weight on we mean to lose one day.

Well over the years I've written about my office and how it's a tight spot for me. I've had smart people come and spend hours helping me get it in shape. And then it goes back to where it was before they helped me out and usually a bit worse. It's like going on a diet and then gaining all the weight back and then some. You know?

So I'm writing now while I "should" be fixing up my office. Someone's coming to stay for a bit in that room. And he's excited to help me move things out of there and to the curb! Being a good friend, he's seen my faults and weaknesses and doesn't give me a hard time about it.

Here's a link to some pictures I took of Luc a few years ago for your amusement.

Reading the Journals

Part of my homework as a yoga teacher training teacher is to read the homework students turn in. Part of their homework is to journal on the yamas and niyamas (see sidebar if you forget what they are).

I am always so inspired to read people's struggles, victories, notes to themselves, notes to me and Kat, musings, drawings, everything. It always leaves me feeling good, to being in a place of "possibility." I look forward to reading a pile of journals, to deciphering the handwriting, to putting the name to the face in the early days, to listening in close to a story.

The big feeling I'm left with after reading people's journals in the exploration on the yogic path is LOVE. I'm moved by our courage as people to face life's struggles. I'm impressed by people being right where they are even if that place is uncomfortable. I giggle at the funny parts. I breathe through the tougher parts. Sometimes I'm moved to tears by people's embracing of their own humanity.

It reminds me that the practice of the yamas and niyamas is so critical to the path. The alignment of your asanas is secondary to the alignment in your life. When we connect to our own lives and what's really happening for us, it allows us to be connected to other people and events in our lives.

Portable Yoga

This week saw the release of a new app that actually appeared as a blip on the world's radar that my little company made. That's Happy Hips Yoga with Tania Frechette. When I looked up "yoga" in the app store on my new iPad last night, Tania's was the first thing that popped up. So cool!

In response to that, we immediately dropped the price of Yoga with Jamine and Louise's Hot Yoga to $1.99 to see if that price will move them a bit more. Sorry if you paid more - it's definitely worth it! - we're just trying to find the right spot where we can hold the pose and let the energy flow.
And of course, there's still the free app, if a buck 99 is too much to try.

More apps will be coming out as we can get the content from people and get all of the bugs fixed. It's been an interesting process and I'm definitely impressed with the products we've turned out. As I sit here in an apartment in Gatineau sitting on the floor with shag carpet listening to the click click of my programmer's keyboard, I reflect on how far we've come. It's been amazing to watch my dream become a reality!

Radical Thoughts

I had a sort of insight last night that I doubted as it came through - this is sometimes how I feel when I get a message delivered to me via my higher self. I've been thinking a lot about life on the planet after watching that video I posted a few days ago, and consciousness as I tend to do, and now I'm training my brain everyday with these exercises, and it got me to thinking that wouldn't it be amazing if everyone on the planet worked together towards making life better on the planet? Here's the thought that came through - people on the planet already are working together.

What? Yep, we are already working together towards making life better on the planet. But what about war and greed and fighting and corruption? Those are things that are sort of a side effect of our progress and over time those things will fall away as it's time and we mature. Sort of like brothers and sisters fighting. They just do until they grow out of it. It doesn't mean they won't grow up to love each other and work together.

Hmm. That message surprised me. It didn't make me feel like I should stop trying to live a better, kinder, smaller, bigger life. It just had me sort of relax and feel that people are good as a whole. We are doing what we can as group to do better for everyone. Along the way it might seem sloppy and as new information arises new action will be taken and we are doing the best we can. When we feel like we aren't it's just that we're looking at it too closely and if we pull back, take a different view, we'll see that we are already working as a team.

Every once in awhile I get sent a zinger of an idea like that and it challenges me. Challenges my belief system. Causes me to step back and consider. What if this is what it looked like for everyone on the planet to be working together towards a better life and better conditions for everyone? Then I wouldn't have to resist what is. I could just know it's part of the process and keep working towards freedom and health as I do my best.

Travelling Inexpensively

I love to travel. I hate flying but I love where flying gets me. The trouble with going someplace on a plane is that it usually ends up being expensive. This weekend I saved some money but I still had that "going on a trip feeling" as I headed out towards the Ottawa airport early in the morning. I turned off the Airport Expressway before reaching the airport and onto Hunt Club where I found myself at the door of the Mushfiq Music School for an early morning performance of Indian classical music meant to be played early in the morning.

I found out about the gathering because I'm on the mailing list of one of my old students whose husband brings world class musicians to play for Ottawa's fans of Hindustani music.

Due to the early hour there were few guests in attendance. I didn't know what to expect because I hadn't been to this place before, but the email had a few details of the performance, which made me think I'd want to go. I asked a couple of people if anyone wanted to get up early and go on an adventure but the answers came back no. I quickly decided I'd just go by myself, and there I found myself, basically in the basement of this guy's house, tears streaming down my face, sunlight streaming across the coloured leaves in the back yard, as I listened to Anol Chatterjee in from Kolkata and the Hashimy brothers, originally from Afghanistan, performing world-class morning music meant for the heart. They were playing directly to me. Bliss.

Another cool thing about the concert was that it included brunch. I found out I'm not the only one who prepares pancakes for her students as I chatted with the musicians and guests in the kitchen drinking masala tea and learning about their music school. When I asked when their next performance is I found out it's this week as Mushfiq Hashimi will be a part of the Taxi Stand Jam on Thursday night at the Arts Court.

The next time an email comes across my path like that I won't hesitate for a second. The trip was short but so deep, plus I saved quite a bundle on airfare.

The first video is Anol with other musicians and the second one is the Ottawa-based musicians in a concert in Toronto a few years ago.

This Life - Thanksgiving

Homemade Spacecraft from Luke Geissbuhler on Vimeo.

I watched this video a few days ago and a couple of times a day since then. There are a number of things about it that are moving - the fact that they did this amazing feat, the relationship the parents and kids have, the ease with which they do something our ancestors would not be able to believe - and for me, something happens when I see the view of space with the awareness that it only took just over an hour for that balloon to achieve those near space heights.

I mean, I've seen space views before, but what this video did for me was provide a bridge between where I am now to where that place is. Other space views have seemed impressive but somehow disjointed because there was something missing for me. This one captures it and allows me to imagine that space so much clearer.

I'm going to bring it around to yoga teaching because that's what I do. I've often felt that many of the teachings about yoga are so lofty and so out there that people can't see the bridge, or the link to how they could have those teachings alive in their lives. A recent book I've found this in is Rajarshi Muni's Tenets of a Spiritual LIfe. In one part he talks about how aparigraha, or non-attachment can result in yogis being able to pee on a rock and turn it into gold, that's how non-attached they can get. Hmpf. That seems not likely and the teaching becomes not useful for me in having more non-attachment in my life. When we practice the yamas and niyamas in a more grounded, practical way, we can see results in our own lives. Simple practices might be letting go of actual stuff that we don't need anymore. It might seem really basic, but it can have amazing results.

While we're on the yamas and niyamas and today's Canadian Thanksgiving, we could talk about santosha, or contentment. Counting our blessings or thinking about the things we're grateful for can help us into a place of santosha. Santosha isn't the same as being happy. For instance, you could be dealing with an immediate loss in your life and to think you could or should be happy in that place is probably a bit harsh. What you could do that would seem perhaps more realistic and closer to what I think santosha is, is somehow be content or not suffering yourself while you go through the pain of the loss. Grief isn't a happy place usually, but it can be a place where we are content even amidst the turmoil of life's circumstances, we can tap into the gratitude we have for our own lives, for life itself, which brings us all experiences, both the unpleasant as well as the pleasant ones.

When I see the video I've posted here, I feel such an intense (almost double rainbow intense) sense that this is my one life. And that the way things are going on this planet, because yes, I'm on a planet as the video reveals, is just one way they could go. We have a thin layer of atmosphere. A small space where we can live as we are and not need equipment to breathe. In that space there are other creatures and gardens and lakes and it makes me so grateful to be given the opportunity to experience life on this planet, besides the fact that it's the only one I've got, it's profoundly beautiful.

Working on my Brain

I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this in the past, because I found it fascinating that researchers have discovered that the brain has a sort of plasticity to it and that things like yoga and meditation can be helpful in maintaining and improving the brain's health.

Dr. Norman Doidge was in the news recently as his documentary about the brain's ability to change, even as we get older, was shown on CBC. I find it really interesting and my experiences with yoga and meditation have shown me that beyond a doubt, the biggest factor in determining the quality of my life at any rate, is what's happening in my mind. There are many things that contribute to that including my physical health and my surroundings, but if the brain isn't healthy, then things won't be as great as they could be, in my experience.

I followed a link on his site that took me to a brain fitness company and I ordered the product. It's not cheap at all and it's sort of in beta in my opinion, so I wouldn't say it's ready for everyday users on their own, but it's been pretty interesting. One of the principles that Norman Doidge mentioned is that the brain keeps thinking things and I think I heard him say, "thoughts that fire together, wire together," so what we think about sort of forms a rut and then we're trained into heading in the same direction by habit. I would call that a Samskara. Sam Dworks, my yoga teacher, taught me about this with yoga and injuries and how the brain gets wired to send stress signals a certain way, which is why we tend to get stressed in the same way repeatedly. More on that on his site.

One of the things that struck me this morning on a short walk though was how I'm training my brain to remember better and be sharper and at the same time, I'm aware of so many things that I feel a sense of longing to forget. I don't want to remember that I'm going to die and so are the people around me. I don't want to remember that even though I moved into the house I'm in 7 years ago as a temporary measure that it's likely this is where I'm going to live for the rest of my life. I don't want to remember I'm behind in an assignment I gave myself. I don't want to remember that I'm probably not going to have anymore kids. I don't want to remember a whole bunch of stuff and I can't help it. So there's a part of me that feels comforted by the promise of a diminished brain as I get older. Fortunately, that's not the part of me in the driver's seat and my sense of health and well-being is stronger than that little scared, sad place.

I have a hunch that training my brain to be as healthy as it can be, which includes eating well, sleeping well, practising yoga and meditation, and having good company, on top of these computer fitness exercises, will help to fend off those feelings of wanting to forget and help me be happy right where I am with everything I have in my life, as well as everything I don't have. I'll let you know how the program goes as I progress through it.

Biking in Ottawa

I'm listening to a guest on the radio this morning and she's echoing what I've been feeling about biking in Ottawa that I had to interrupt my morning routine to shout it out on my blog.

Bike paths are beautiful and nice for leisure riding but if you're trying to get someplace on a bike (like from where I live to where I teach), you're taking your life in your hands. If I want to ride safely in my neighbourhood I either need to get on the sidewalk at times, breaking the law, or take up a whole lane, which gets me yelled at - GET A CAR - (don't you know I HAVE a car and LOVE it?), or get touched by busses, yep right where a woman was hit the other night I was grazed by a city bus while I tried to hug the curb. Or I'm asked by the city to come right into the middle of it all (see Rideau, or how about that bridge outside of Sears) or my bike lane comes and goes without notice.

So I've had it. I'm not riding in Ottawa anymore. And I like to ride my bike. It's been in the hills of the Hudson Valley. It came with me and rode along the sea in Cape Town, pumped up dusty hills in Johannesburg, all while I was pregnant. I like to just ride my bike to get places. But I'm not willing to have the emotional upheaval that comes for me when I face riding in Ottawa.

I fear for my daughter on her bike. I love that she knows how to ride but the thought of her riding legally from Sandy Hill to the Market could give me heart palpitations.

Until Ottawa makes it safe to be a cyclist on the city streets, I'm not doing it. I'm taking my car.

There's a meeting about it tonight at the Museum of Nature at 7. To do anything other than fund biking infrastructure would be foolish for our city.

Watering Your Plant

Let's face it, if you don't water your plants they'll wither and die. Unless your plant is out in a habitat where it gets rained on the right amount and it taken care of by its environment, it will need some care.

Most of us are like house plants and we're not in an environment that naturally sustains us. We have to remember to water ourselves. And unless you're a great indoor gardener, you might not notice it's time to water the plants until they start to show signs that they need to be watered.

Living the way we do in our culture means there's a lot of watering that needs to be done. We need to take vitamins, even vitamins that replace the nourishment we'd get by just being exposed to sunlight. We need to go to a gym to mimic the exercise we'd get out in the world if we had to work that way. We have to schedule social activities so we make sure we're not bored and that we're being stimulated and having fun.

Sometimes we will have missed something that needs tending to and will only notice when that particular plant starts to wither. What does it need? Sleep? Company? Exercise? Meditation? Nutrition? It's hard to know when it's not obvious.

Some indoor plant problems get solved by just moving the plant to a different room. So we have holidays and go on vacations to breathe different air and get different light.

As we age we have to be on top of what's in our indoor garden and keep a special eye out for plants that may be withering. And again, we may not notice until something's out of sorts. As a parent I'm providing what I think is needed for my daughter, but listening for feedback from her, making sure she's thriving in all areas that I'm aware of and adding water or vitamins when I think I notice withering.

Different people need different amounts of watering and it's not always obvious. Yoga is what we do that helps us thrive. Surviving is okay; it's ordinary even. But thriving and growing is what we're aiming for.

Wrapped up with a Bow

Sometimes I'd like to be done with something. Like health. I'd like to be complete with health and just have it handled. I'd like to achieve fitness. I'd like to collect yoga poses and just keep them. Even a manicure. I'd like to pay for a manicure to be done professionally and just have it be done. Shaving, waxing, enlightenment, same thing. But all of these things require maintenance.

It's as though I'd like to just pause life. Just take a break over here. Have it wrapped up for a bit with no more todos and all my calls returned and bills paid and boxes checked off.

I'd like to earn the educated badge. Just know something and not have to relearn it all again next week. I'd like to know the software rules and have them not change. How about Facebook? Couldn't it just stay the way it was?

Everything's changing and growing and moving and sometimes I feel like I can't keep up. And we can't keep up with all of it, we really can't. This is where surrender lives. We have to make peace with where we are knowing that stuff, life, is flowing all around us. In addition to letting go, we also have to have effort to be focused and participate and know where we want to go, or just have the discipline to go where we've been told to go.

In yoga it's called, Abhyasa and Vairagya. Effort and focus, and on the other hand, non-attachment and letting go. It's a balance.

Sometimes I'd like it to be out of balance and just be done! I know it's not realistic and that I need to bring some tapas to my practice in that moment. I'm just sharing something that shows up in my awareness sometimes...and I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about!

Birthday Pose Again!

Wow, it seems like I just wrote about this pose. I mean, I think I'm wearing the same shirt as the last time I wrote about this. It comes back again so fast. I checked. It's not the same shirt, although it very well could be because neither of them are new, but it's the same colour, because I have adopted grey as the colour of this decade. So far. I wear a lot of grey! I like it! It goes with a lot of things! Jeans, other grey things, black, just to get started.

This year the birthday pose feels pretty comfortable. I'm feeling good with myself and where I'm at. And the places where I'm not feeling good about myself and my life, I'm gently judging and keeping an eye on as opposed to attacking them and blaming myself loudly. I'm quieter to myself about my judgements. I'm more compassionate with myself. I have been through a lot in my life and I'm going to go through a lot more if I have my way. And so compassion is the theme of this birthday. And with compassion for me, there's the freedom to have fun. So I'm having fun this birthday.

I got woken up around 6:30 on a morning when I could have easily slept in for another hour (see - I'm already more relaxed that I can even sleep in until 7:30) and I didn't get mad when this friend knew that I was probably sleeping and just wanted to make sure that they were the first one to wish me Happy Birthday.

I am also taking today as an opportunity to get rid of a lot of stuff. I took two boxes of books to my car a little while ago. That's a big deal for me. The present I'm giving myself this year is giving stuff away. Yep, I've arrived at maturity where 'tis better to give than to receive.

Oh well. I'm leading yoga this evening and I'm looking forward to that. If you're not doing anything and you're reading this in time, please come!