They Grow Up So Fast

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, someone told me "they grow up so fast." I'm sure many people told me that along the way but I do remember one time when it just stood out and I took it in.

I know they grow up fast. I know I can stay present so it doesn't feel like it's going by so fast. And then sometimes - bam - it feels like it's happening so fast.

At first it was the little things - when she liked to eat - then that would change. Or what she liked to wear. What her favourite colour was. Just when I thought I had it down, it would change. Just as I got used to her being little, she grew. As soon as I got used to her knowing this much, she showed me she was aware of so much more.

I knew she was getting on a plane today - I bought her the ticket for heaven's sake - but I didn't realize that I wasn't ready for her to go away for two weeks. I know it's not a long time. I know I'll see her down at Omega in two weeks. But knowing that didn't take away the surprise pang of missing I felt when she got in her dad's car this morning to go to the airport.

She even said, "Mom, do you want to come to the airport?" and I said no. I'd already made up my mind I wasn't going this morning. I have other things to do. And I do. But that sweet surprise feeling of "Wait! Don't go! You're my daughter and I'll miss you for two weeks," just sort of jumped out of nowhere.

I know this is a preview of her leaving many, many times in the future. There will be so many goodbyes and hellos I expect. This one just caught me off guard. I love her so much and I love being her mom. What a great relationship that is. I guess sometimes I take it for granted because it's always just there - the fighting and hugging and challenging and joking - and this morning I have a little taste of that being not there. Loving a teenager - it's an awesome challenge and I love it! Sniff!

(Update: she's cleared Customs and I have permission to use this picture from last week.)
(Update #2: she wanted to read the post and the picture below is of the text she sent me. Sniff!)

Travelling Inexpensively

I love to travel. I hate flying but I love where flying gets me. The trouble with going someplace on a plane is that it usually ends up being expensive. This weekend I saved some money but I still had that "going on a trip feeling" as I headed out towards the Ottawa airport early in the morning. I turned off the Airport Expressway before reaching the airport and onto Hunt Club where I found myself at the door of the Mushfiq Music School for an early morning performance of Indian classical music meant to be played early in the morning.

I found out about the gathering because I'm on the mailing list of one of my old students whose husband brings world class musicians to play for Ottawa's fans of Hindustani music.

Due to the early hour there were few guests in attendance. I didn't know what to expect because I hadn't been to this place before, but the email had a few details of the performance, which made me think I'd want to go. I asked a couple of people if anyone wanted to get up early and go on an adventure but the answers came back no. I quickly decided I'd just go by myself, and there I found myself, basically in the basement of this guy's house, tears streaming down my face, sunlight streaming across the coloured leaves in the back yard, as I listened to Anol Chatterjee in from Kolkata and the Hashimy brothers, originally from Afghanistan, performing world-class morning music meant for the heart. They were playing directly to me. Bliss.

Another cool thing about the concert was that it included brunch. I found out I'm not the only one who prepares pancakes for her students as I chatted with the musicians and guests in the kitchen drinking masala tea and learning about their music school. When I asked when their next performance is I found out it's this week as Mushfiq Hashimi will be a part of the Taxi Stand Jam on Thursday night at the Arts Court.

The next time an email comes across my path like that I won't hesitate for a second. The trip was short but so deep, plus I saved quite a bundle on airfare.

The first video is Anol with other musicians and the second one is the Ottawa-based musicians in a concert in Toronto a few years ago.

My New Year's Eve Plan

A few weeks ago in the yoga teacher training program I revealed that I didn't have plans for New Year's Eve and that I wasn't going to be spending that time with my daughter and I am single and I really didn't know what I was going to be doing. I said it not to get invitations, but to share that not everyone may be having a "happy holiday" and this can be a hard time for people, including yoga teachers and other people who practice yoga!

To those of you who extended invitations to me - thank you! I really appreciate it! Please invite me again!

The number one thing I wanted to do was to go to visit a friend who lives far away but that seemed a bit crazy due to the sheer expense and distance. So I made alternative plans to take myself on a yoga retreat at the Sivananda ashram in Val Morin. The more I settled into that idea the more sorry for myself I felt.

So I revisited the travel option. My inner voice was clear about what to do - just go and bring your camera and shoot some yoga video footage in the warmth and have fun - but my rational voice was thinking about the expense and that's really about it. Everything else seemed to fit, it's just costly.

And now I'm really excited. I was going to be contracted and hunker down and sit tight and now I'm doing something a bit edgy, on the wild side, expansive and "yes" and that feels more like how I want to live.

I used to travel with open-ended tickets. I can't do that anymore given how I want to raise my daughter. I got clear last year that I wanted to travel more and I'd do it and return home. Which means remaining employed, productive, dependable and all of that. But that also means going away when I have time, even if that time is the most expensive time of the year to do it!

I just cancelled my reservation at the ashram. The good news is that my deposit is refunded to me in a credit note, so I don't lose the money. And I would like to go and sit and stretch and be in the quiet. Just not this weekend. (So I won't be there this Sunday like I said I would. Sorry guys.)