As any typical human does, I fantasize about the things that I don't have in place that if I could just set up circumstantially, then things would be okay or at least better. If I just lost the practically 10 pounds I put on over the holidays I'd look more like a yoga teacher and be more popular. If I just had a boyfriend who wouldn't drive me crazy but was someone with whom I share mutual admiration then I'd feel more relaxed and at home. If enough people kept coming to my yoga classes then I'd earn enough money so I could relax and not be afraid of the future.
And as a typical yoga teacher does, I have access to teachings that remind me that none of that is going to make a difference. Not one little bit. My perfect weight, my right amount of money, my right people in my life, none of that really has any bearing on whether or not I'm feeling at peace. In fact, to continue to try and coordinate those things to line up into place at this point is silly. I know it doesn't work. I know it doesn't matter. (It does matter in some ways and I'm not going to really deal with that here today.) And although I still try to coordinate my life's circumstances, the thing that I'm resonating with more and more and the one who's showing up more and more, especially when things get a bit tougher, is that inner voice, that voice I named Gurubelle.
One of the things that happens when I teach yoga is I'm sort of doing yoga, too. I'm in a space that's special, that I don't have access to in normal activities and conversations. Leading yoga is a sort of meditation I do. And my inner voice is accessible a lot when I'm teaching. She reminded me last night that I could talk to her other times too, because when I'm leading a class I am not engaged in conversation with my higher voice, I just notice that she's there. Which reminded me to ask her today what to do about certain things, but basically it came down to my satisfaction level. She said "look inside." Like the answers are inside, or going inward will lead to some calm, but more importantly the guidance was to stop the habit of looking outside myself for stuff. Notice when I'm searching outside of myself for affirmation or completion or attention or anything, and just notice and then don't do that.
So after this morning's meditation, when today I used so hum (inhale so, exhale hum), afterwards I sat with myself and changed up the mantra to "look inside." It doesn't quite work with the breath, but it still worked for me as a way to direct my thoughts. It seems selfish to go inside when the world is shaking and crumbling and needing me more than ever, but Gurubelle reminded me that I spend so much of my time concerned with the outside, that to spend a bit of time "looking inside" isn't going to hurt at all time-wise, but it will also nourish and strengthen me to deal with the external world and all of its suffering. So look inside...find satisfaction inside...feel love inside...was the message I got for today.