Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Novembrrr is Hard

I haven't posted in a while not because I don't have anything to say but because November seems to be a hard month and doing anything is extra-difficult. I can look back at Novembers past and see that there has been a pattern of rough times in this month. The tan on my feet of my sandals has finally worn off. Christmas is looming and all the details that go with that are starting to creep in. The days are very short. (I've been calling them "cute" in class.) Winter is about to begin. These are of course, just circumstances and don't necessarily mean anything. Lots of people have a great time in November. I'm just noticing that often in November I am more melancholic and tired.

I hear voices in my head, mostly it's my own voice, reminding me to breathe into sensations and lengthen my breath. I review my classes to myself so I can shift how I'm being and have a great day instead of waiting for the day to be over so I can go to bed again. It's up and down.

My trainer's like, "where's positive-thinking, energetic Jamine?" I feel grumpy and pessimistic and sore and have little motivation to do much. But I Keep On because I have things scheduled and slowing down and doing nothing is not an option I'm giving myself.

I escape to vacation websites and book fantasy trips in my head. "What if we went away next weekend?" "How about just you and me go away over Christmas?" "Let's pack up and rent out the house and just travel like I used to." And then the voice comes in, "Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote a book that sums it all up, 'Wherever You Go, There You Are,' so don't move so fast into a new situation." So I close my eyes, imagine myself anyplace I want to be, realize it won't really matter and being where I am is the best place. Talking myself down from the tree and coming down to reality.

So this is when I need to use those teachings I've got more frequently. It's when things are hard that all of that stuff comes in really handy. When things are going well, who cares? I'm glad I've got a big toolbox of stuff to help me out in Novembrrrr.

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