On Wednesday night at the Introduction to the Landmark Forum, during the exercise of looking at an area we're trying to change or resisting, the area I picked was my office. If you know me, you know I've struggled with my office space for years. I purge, it comes back. I rearrange and I still pile things up. I spend a lot of time in this space and what it means is that I have to shut down to a lot of things in order to get in here. I "walk over" (not literally, it's not THAT bad, okay sometimes it is) a lot of stuff so that I can function in my space. I shut down to the "issues" that are surrounding me.
And of course, if it's present in that part of my life, there's a very good chance that it's present in other areas of my life too, because as the title of the post says, wherever you go, there you are. (That's really the title of Jon Kabat-Zinn's book.)
Hmm, where else are things out of control and I don't like/approve of what I'm doing but I do it anyways and don't listen to the voice inside saying "don't do it!"? I wonder where else? Maybe that theory is wrong and it truly is only my office... (Buzzer sound) Wrong.
It's all over! It's everywhere! And the place that it hit me today loud and clear was around food. I am out of integrity with my eating. I don't plan, I eat poorly, I've gained weight, and it's not that I'm doing it "wrong." It's that I've really gone "unconscious" because I don't want to do what I know I should be doing. And there are consequences. I'm going to have to buy new clothes for one thing. (I didn't write down the story of the back of my pants having a huge rip in them as John pointed out as we were walking up the stairs out of the Giant Tiger a few weeks ago.)
Anyways, I could go on and on. And I'm not making myself wrong for what I've been doing (about the office, and food, and parenting, and money, and work) but I can definitely admit I have been ignoring (trying to) a voice inside that has been calling for more from myself. Not perfection, it's not a like a nit-picky voice. It's like my Self calling me back to a place where I have more energy and the channels are open and like that. Being "conscious" about things means getting to notice the things we like as well as the things we don't like. I have just wanted to listen to and act on the things I like and have the things I don't like diminish or go away all together. But wherever I go, there I am, (which is good news).
I clicked on a story that Oprah has gone vegan for 21 days and it actually inspired me. I want to do a cleanse like that. No caffeine, alcohol, animal products and I think this one includes no sugar. Anyways, here's what she's doing. I'm going to watch and maybe play along. (But I just bought a new pound of beans this morning!)