New Beginnings

Happy New Year! And I mean it. I have had a happy new year so far. I hope you have, too.

This year I have a new body. People have come out and just asked me, "what's it like having no uterus?" or "how's it going having a hole where your uterus used to be?" so I figure I'll just answer frankly. So far, so good. To be honest, those questions do take me aback. When I think about what happened to me I get squeamish. I have a copy of the operation report I got from my GP and I can't read it all. It sort of pains me a bit. My breath goes shallow and my throat tightens and then it hurts my ginie.

You can't tell by looking at me that I had an operation recently (3 weeks ago today). Yesterday I went to my first Bikram yoga class. The day before that I went for a short run. My insides didn't fall out. I didn't pass out. And actually, since I had the operation I've had more energy than usual. I skip potential nap times and just wait until bed.

My uterus was the size of a 14-week pregnancy and the fibroids were 6 cm as I recall from previous reports. It must have been quite a handful of stuff but I didn't get a look at what they took out, even though I asked in advance. It seems like that space got filled up with my intestines and other stuff, because my pants fit the same even though technically I should have come out 2 pounds lighter. (I don't have a scale and then there was Christmas, so maybe if I hadn't had a hysterectomy my clothes wouldn't fit by now what with all of those cookies and turkey.)

I keep feeling like my period should be starting soon and then I remember I won't be having one again. And unlike a total hysterectomy where they take out your ovaries as well, I am not going into menopause and I'll still ovulate, but I won't have a period.

I have enough energy to do stuff but I hold back because I remember that I can't see where my surgery happened and I've been warned to take it easy and to let it all heal. Healing requires circulation so I know I'm supposed to be active, but not too active. Rest, but don't stay still for too long. I think I'm doing pretty well with that and having the recovery time coincide with the holidays was helpful so I'm not tempted to overdo it with work and other activities.

I'm not taking iron supplements anymore. No hormones. Nothing special. I do have some aches that may be because of my organs getting into their new positions so I take an Advil now and then, but really, I'm free. I'll be able to walk around Ottawa, which has a notable lack of public restrooms, because things won't be as urgent as they were. I'll be able to ride bike with my daughter in Paris. Wear white pants to yoga! So there's a lot of possibility in my future.

One of the main reasons they recommended I have the surgery is because I'm so young. To go another decade with anemia and the stuff that went with my condition would not have been good. So even though I resisted the news and the descriptions of the treatment, I can honestly say I'm grateful I did the operation. What a great way to start off a new year.

We Could Use Some Blankets

One of the groups I teach yoga to is at a school in town where kids go who've been suspended or expelled. Their principal has been doing yoga for years and when he got this new school he thought yoga would be a great thing for the kids so they could learn to relax and deal with perhaps some anger and anxiety issues as well. So they've got me as their teacher a couple of times a week.

The class for these kids is optional, however, if they come enough times, they'll actually get a gym credit for it. I've gradually gotten more mats for them and recently as it got colder, I brought in some donated blankets. As time goes on in the school year, there are more kids showing up at this school because more kids have been expelled or suspended, and the yoga class gets a bit bigger. At this point, I have more kids than blankets in the yoga class.

By far the best part of the class for these guys is the relaxation at the end. So we don't do a hasty 2-3 minute savasana, we really give 'er and the final relaxation lasts 15 minutes. In addition to the usual lay down at the end of the class, because this is such a small group, I do the leg-jiggle-arm-jiggle-head-scratch thing if they want it (and they do), and then they do a super-sweet savasana.

They know there are only a few blankets so they have a system for who gets the blankets. Seniority definitely comes into play. They work out the rest. I think it would be great if I could get a few more so that everybody had one. If you have any spares, let me know.

On the Other Side

It's all over. I'm on the mend. I made it to the other side. Nothing bad happened. It all went as planned and I'm healing. My impression of what happened in the hospital is that the surgery team was tight and focused and the recovery group was less directed, but it's all over and I'm fine. I had the operation later on Tuesday than planned because the operating room was running behind. I was in the recovery area by 4, had visitors by 6:30, spent the night and was gone by 7 am Wednesday morning. Slept most of Wednesday, hobbled around on Thursday and ventured out for real outings by Saturday. I opted out of the narcotics when I went home and got by on Tylenol and Advil and halved that the other day. I could probably even drive but I'm not doing that just yet for the sake of it.

I attribute the speedy healing to me being in relatively good health and knowing how to relax. On top of it, a week before the surgery I started listening to a recording to prepare me for surgery on the advice of someone who had recently been there. I think it really worked! I took it with me to the hospital and at one point in the surgical day care unit some of the nurses asked me if I was meditating because my vitals were doing something unusual. Not sure what it was, but they did ask.

Here's what I used - it cost $20, which seemed high for an iTunes download, but it was money well-spent in my experience.

Tomorrow's the Day

It's been quite a roller coaster. At the time of me writing this, I'm feeling really quite fine, not even nervous. Earlier today I was super-sad, feeling a sense of loss about having a hysterectomy and thinking maybe I'd change my mind. "Wait! I want to have another baby!" "What do you mean I'll never nurse another baby?" and things like that. I sobbed. It really isn't too late. I could change my mind. But I'm not going to. As much as I love kids and I think I'm a great mom, I LOVE being a mom, I'm not going to do it again.

So then I'd think about the "freedom" I'll have when I'm not all bleeding and tired and awkward and that would make me feel a bit better but then I went to, "what if something goes wrong?" "What if they sew my vagina too short and I'll never be able to enjoy sex again?" "What if my libido never returns like those other women said?" And that freaked me out so I took a half an Ativan. That made all of those thoughts disappear.

I decided to stay busy and moved all of my later-in-the-week clients to today and that worked out well. As I led my yoga classes this afternoon, I breathed into myself as I always do and this time the breathing felt the same as it always did except that there was this feeling of new conditions. Last day of the uterus. Last day before going on a big trip of surgery including a night in the hospital. I got home and my daughter said the hospital called and I am expected at 10:45 in the morning. Great! I'll skip the traffic and freezing rain warnings and even be able to sleep in if I can.

Yesterday as I was in Yoga Teacher Training I almost blurted out - "today's the second last day of me having my uterus!" But of course, I didn't say that. I woke up this morning thinking, "today's the last day with my uterus - what should I do?"

That reminded me that I'd like to see it. I haven't asked yet if they'll let me look at it because I figure the answer will be a creepy no. But tomorrow I'll ask and maybe they'll let me look at it. My uterus. My womb. My daughter's home. I kept my daughter's placenta for ages in the freezer so I wouldn't put it past me to at least take a good look at this other organ. But hospitals aren't designed for that. Viewing of the tissues. I'm going to see what they say...

One other thing. Today's the last day of my uterus but you know what? It's also the last day of having fibroids. Yay!

Living Your Yoga Some More

Last night Kat Mills and I wrapped up our penultimate Living (Your) Yoga session. One of the participants mentioned that she's really enjoying the classes and even though she had something she would normally have stayed home for, she didn't want to miss it that night, which was encouraging to hear. It's our first time running this class and it's great to hear that people like it. We're going to run it again in the new year - it will start January 10 and go for 8 weeks.

When I got home and walked up the few steps to my door, I felt so achy. Even though I said last post that I've gone back to Bikram and it's helping my joints, I guess I'm not doing it enough because my hips just hurt. It turns out that it's one of the side effects of the medication they gave me (Lupron) and it's normal that I'll have sore joints. Someone sent me a tweet that warned me of how toxic that drug is and how the symptoms don't go away afterwards and people are plagued with sore joints, night sweats, and depression for years. Oh well. It was an injection, so I can't undo it or stop taking it.

I just hope that it did the trick and shrank the fibroids enough to get out using what I'll call the "simple method" as opposed to a bigger cut that will be required if the medication didn't work. Even the "simple method" will require an overnight stay in the hospital.

I'm using this as an opportunity to surrender. Just like getting in a plane and going on a trip, which really scares me - I'm going to go on this flight of surgery and participate in our culture - and this is important to me. So I'll give up control; I'll trust the training the doctor has and listen to people who say he has a good reputation and others who've had the surgery who are really happy they did. Big breath.

Back to Bikram

When I first came to Ottawa and wanted to go to yoga classes, I wanted something predictable. I didn't want to hear a new yoga teacher's spiritual take on life or try fancy poses, I wanted something comfortable and known. So I went to Bikram Yoga, as I had learned it back when I lived at Kripalu when Bikram himself came all the way from California to teach us. It helped that the classes in Ottawa were often taught by my old ashram brother, Luc.

Over the years I've done Bikram on and off. I hate it love it hate it love it if you know what I mean.

Lately I've had some tightness in my shoulder and wrist and I've adjusted my downward dogs and been careful on my hands and knees and I even talked to my trainer about it. "Jamine, you're getting old." Well, that did it. I walked straight into a Bikram class and went to work. My shoulder and wrist are about 90% better after 3 classes last week. That series is so therapeutic and if it doesn't kill you, it will definitely make you feel better.

As for the heat, the medication I'm on is giving me hot flashes, so I'm already there and it doesn't seem to make them worse. I would figure it's actually balancing me except that the stuff I'm on is intentionally unbalancing me so I don't want to mess with that too much. I'm preparing mentally to have surgery in just less than a month and it's probably not a bad idea to prepare physically while I'm at it. I don't want to be stuck with a sore shoulder and unable to move around, so I'll fix it now and hopefully it won't be bothering me afterwards.

Confusion - Fibroids - TMI

I'm confused. I have had conflicting advice about which medication I should be taking and I don't know where to turn for information. I will be getting back in touch with my specialist but an appointment isn't that easy to get and the wait is long once you get one and I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or not. I'll get unconfused, or I'll just continue along this way, but that's where I'm at. The details aren't that important but they include things like the medication that was supposed to send me into menopause didn't exactly do the job and I'm wondering now what.

In the meantime I've been contemplating my body and how it houses me and and how it really just runs itself provided I do certain things and I'm so grateful. It's confusing to think there's this big thing going on inside I can't see or really feel and it makes me feel so out of touch. Like there's a stereotypical teenager in my uterus doing her own thing and not reaching out except once a month to make a scene and then return to her room leaving me to wonder what in the world is going on.

When I asked my GP why people are saying I need a hysterectomy when all of these new-fangled surgical options are available, he described to me how the fibroids are growing. Basically they're "intramural" and the big one is incorporated into my uterus - it's not on it or something they could cut off. It's integrated and to get it out means taking out my uterus, too. So supposedly I can have this operation and continue to ovulate each month, although my mom kindly pointed out, "sometimes people go into menopause from the surgery even if their ovaries are left." Great. Not that menopause is that bad, but I was kind of looking forward to continuing to have my cycle even without menstruating. Who knows.

That brings me to menstruating. So I was getting ready to say goodbye to my period, having my final mixed feelings about it all, really noticing the blood (I'll spare you all the rest, just know I was really paying attention), and like the patient who doesn't die when pulled off the life support, my medication didn't do the trick and I had another opportunity to possibly say my last goodbyes to my period. By the time it finally goes I will have said goodbye a whole bunch. Like standing in the yard waving to family members in the car who drive off, only to come back 5 minutes later because they remember they forgot something, the goodbye I'm having has lost its initial dramatic feel and will be a simple nod by the time it finally gets on its way.

I could not have this operation. It's not life-threatening. But like going to Montreal, I could walk. Thanks to modern technology and cars and whatnot, I drive to Montreal. There are consequences and there's a price I have to pay to participate in this culture. Same thing. I could wait for my body to stop making fibroids, but there's another 10 years or so left of that, and while that's all going on, travel is difficult, teaching yoga for more than an hour is difficult at times, it's hard to plan, and my energy is wild. I could put up with it, keep looking for natural solutions and new yoga poses to do the trick, just do "watchful waiting" as it's described in the reading material. Or I could have it taken out, heal up, and be on my way. Everyone I've spoken to who has had this operation is happy about it. Even my 94-year old grandmother said she's glad she did it. Maybe I will be too.

Workshop Today

Today's the day! Please come to the Rockcliffe Park Community Centre at 3:00 for a talk on How Yoga Works and Why it Might Make You Healthier and Happier. I am the privileged guest of the India Canada Friendship Circle this afternoon. I'll be sharing my experience about yoga and how it works.

Many people think yoga is just a bunch of physical movements, and unfortunately for a lot of people, that's all it turns out to be. Without integrating some of yoga's foundational principles and practices, the keys to yoga's power to transform your life and create greater awareness will remain unused.

Today we'll talk about how to use those keys. No physical effort is required!

Yoga in Safe Schools

Last year I had the privilege of being invited to teach yoga as an experiment at a "safe school," a school where kids go if they've been expelled or suspended from their home school. We tried it as a test to see if it would help the kids relax and manage their stress. We weren't sure if we should call it yoga even, as the principal thought the kids wouldn't be into it, especially the boys.

I guess it went well because this year we've upped it to two classes a week. Today was the end of the second week and I have to say, I think it's going pretty well. We are going to organize it so what we're doing will count towards a gym credit for those who qualify for that, and it's optional so nobody has to go if they don't want to.

I'm compiling the work I'm doing now and making packets for the students, sort of like in the yoga teacher training program, but not quite. Perhaps this is something I'll be able to offer to other schools in the future. For now, I'm quite happy to celebrate with the guys when they see how this week they are a little more flexible than last week and appreciate seeing them soak up a quiet savasana, before heading back to the challenges they face in their busy lives.

How Yoga Works - India Canada Friendship Circle Talk

Next Sunday I will be giving a talk on How Yoga Works and why it might make you healthier and happier at the India Canada Friendship Circle at the Rockcliffe Park Community Centre at 3 pm. Please come! There will be a question and answer section after the lecture part, which will be around 45 minutes.

To register for the session, please visit the India Canada Friendship Circle's website.

Am I Grateful Yet?

I said that if I end up having surgery for my situation (read past posts) I'd want to be grateful when I did it. After months of herbs and prayers and things, I may be entering the Grateful Zone.

I got a call today from a clinic that said they'd try and get me in for a second opinion. Word is a doctor read my chart and said she wouldn't do anything different and doesn't have time to see me in the next six months. The person who left the message was really helpful and said she'd help me find someone in the community who could do a second opinion. I'll call her back.

Practising yoga all these years has luckily for me, made living in my body relatively comfortable most of the time. I haven't had big things to deal with up until the call from my doctor's office last year that freaked me out. Why would they call me for just me having low iron? I'm starting to get it.

It's not that my body is turning on me, it's that it's maturing, and with that, there are changes happening to it that I haven't had to experience fully until now.

I don't like the idea of a general anesthetic. I don't the idea of losing my womb. But really, this could be so much worse (and it will get that way if I don't treat it), and I'm lucky that I live in this age when both the energetic as well as the physical options are available. Colour me grateful.

Last Sunday

For at least 4 months, this is the last Sunday I'll be teaching yoga in the morning. I will still be a part of the teacher training, and the workshops I'm offering will still happen, so I will still be teaching, just not every week like I've been doing for 10 years. It has been my discipline to teach on Friday nights and Sunday mornings and has given me so many opportunities to practice the yamas and niyamas, in particular brahmacharya, santosha, and tapas.

It takes something to get up and get to a yoga class on Sunday morning (any time really), but the people that make it out to a Sunday class are special. I've often said that if I weren't teaching that class I wouldn't be at it, and I don't expect you'll see me hanging out in the back of that class once I'm no longer leading it.

Back to those yamas and niyamas I mentioned. Brahmacharya to me is moderation, but in particular, don't do things that make you intoxicated because there will be a period afterwards where you won't be present as you deal with processing the excess, i.e., the hangover. Weekends are often when our culture allows people to let loose and get intoxicated and recover from the week they've just had. I've heard more than one person on Sunday morning say how hungover they were! As the teacher, it doesn't work for me to be hungover and teach, it just doesn't. So although I may enjoy myself on Saturday night, I've always got to be moderate and manage my time so I am ready on Sunday morning. It's not really a problem at all or I wouldn't have managed for a decade, but it's something I look at once in a while.

Santosha is being content with what is. This morning, for instance, I have a cold. I haven't had a summer cold in years it seems like, but this weekend I came down with a cold and I have to get up and teach. I'm really okay with that. But the nature of my job is that it doesn't come with sick days. If you don't work, you don't get paid and that's how it goes. Sometimes you can find a sub and sometimes you can sub other peoples' classes to make up for it, but often you just lose the class. So arriving to class content and even happy to be there is a practice too.

Tapas is heat or a burning enthusiasm. For me that's getting up early enough before leaving the house that I can write, take care of my own stuff, and be on time, ready to go, bringing forth energy to share with people to help make them getting up and to class worth it! Sometimes I joke about how great it is that people are in class because just think about what other people are doing - sleeping in, having a coffee in bed, reading the paper - and here we are doing great work on the mat. Again, it takes something from the people showing up that is not always a common trait - it's special to get up and practice tapas - and on Sunday morning our class usually does involve some heat and people are sweating well before the end in general.

Sunday morning classes have been an important time in my life - it shaped when I saw my daughter over the years - it complicated new relationships - it anchored my life in a way. After a decade or so of being tethered to my practice of teaching yoga each Sunday, I'm going to let Sundays go free and see where they take me for the next few months.

Making Changes

After giving it some thought, I'm going to stop teaching my drop-in classes for the next few months, or the next session at Rama Lotus. It feels a bit radical but also so right. There is a lot behind the choice to pause, including what I've written in the last number of posts.

Starting in September, I won't be teaching any public drop-in classes. I will still be teaching on the teacher training team and leading workshops and teaching all of my regular non-public classes.

The major thing that not teaching every Friday night and Sunday morning brings me is, can you guess? Weekends! I will have a weekend in my life after 10 years of being committed each one. I'm hoping this will bring me opportunities to use my energy differently and look at healing my body, which is all good and serious, but what I'm really excited about at the moment is sleeping in! Going away overnight! Taking a workshop! Staying home!

I could go on and justify why the drop-in model is also tiring for me as a teacher, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to be on pause. Gratefully, the centre where I teach has said I can be off the schedule and I'll get my classes back in the next round. I may really miss teaching those times. It has been a part of my life for about a quarter of it and I didn't complain about the weekends. I enjoy this hour on Sunday morning. I love seeing who shows up. I love teaching Friday nights to help people unwind from their work week and set them up for a great weekend.

Given what I've got going on health-wise though, teaching 90-minute classes straight through isn't always workable, let's say. I sometimes need a break in that time and it is awkward to leave a class in the middle of it, at least the way I have been teaching my classes up until now. Maybe that will change and I'll build in a natural break. Or maybe I'll have my uterus taken out and I won't ever need to have that break again. I'll keep you posted.

On Second Thought

In my recent post I said I didn't think what I was going through was worth having my uterus taken out but I'm starting to have second thoughts about that as I sit in my home feeling trapped for a couple of days while my period passes. I'd like my freedom back, actually.

The doctor's office called the other day with the date for my surgery. At first they tried to give me a date in September, but that was too close to my presentation for the India Canada Friendship Circle. Then a date early in October, but that was the weekend I am taking my daughter down to the States to review the Forum. How about the 18th. Fine. I half-scheduled it. I just said yes to please the system. I was still thinking I'm going to beat this.

Then I started thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't anemic and hemorrhaging every 3 weeks. That started to make me feel good. I go back and forth. I think, "what if this happened on the weekend I was supposed to be leading my workshop? That would be really distracting and uncomfortable." Then I flip to, "I hardly ever lead that workshop, so is it really worth having major surgery to take your uterus out just so you're not inconvenienced?" That turns into, "but maybe I'm not done having kids and I think I'd really like to have another baby, that might even make the fibroid better," which quickly goes to, "oh who are you kidding? You can't afford to have another baby and you wouldn't really want to you at your age."

The doctor I saw told me this, "if you were my sister, I'd recommend you have this surgery." The other women I know who've had the surgery are all grateful and I have yet to meet someone, although I think they're out there, who regrets it. My mom said, "it's common surgery now. They do it all the time. It's not experimental and the risk of something going wrong is small." She's right. They're right. But I don't want to get cut open and have my womb removed. I just don't!

However, the risks of significant blood loss over time are real and likely given how it's going. Even with the herbs, I'm running around trying to manage this situation. I'd be okay if this part were over. I could adopt if I really want more kids. Maybe I'll be a grandmother soon, who knows. (I use the idea that I'm really okay being a grandma and teenage pregnancy wouldn't be that bad as a deterrent for my 12-year old daughter.) I think it's likely that I'd be someone who would respond well to the surgery, who'd recover quickly, and be back to work within days instead of weeks.

The next step is to go and take the shot, which costs $500 that will shrink the tumour so it can be removed more easily. Once I take that shot my body will be sent into menopause temporarily. See, menopause would take care of this tumour naturally. But menopause for me is a good decade away most likely. If I have the surgery my doctor is prescribing, although I'd lose my uterus, I would keep my ovaries and still ovulate and have a cycle, just without the menstruation part.

I said I'd go in and get the shot when I'm back from Omega in a couple of weeks. They said okay. But I'm supposed to be on that stuff for 3 months before having the surgery and Oct 18 isn't 3 months away. So if I can get up the courage to go in and get the shot in a few weeks I'll be on my way and can reschedule the procedure as needed. Big breath.

Update - health and other things

I really have not been comfortable sharing what's happening in my life, so I shut up. At the same time, I've been encouraging others to keep writing, keep sharing, knowing full well I could be doing that myself. I'm just at a hard spot and it's hard to put it out there.

Healthwise: I was terrified of going on a recent trip to Paris with my daughter due to the situation presented in previous posts. I made the trip manageable by staying in our own place, rather than finding a hostel or place where we'd have to share a bathroom. That made me relax, knowing if I had to get up a lot at night, it would just be my little family I was disturbing. I also made it so we were not traveling around, we just stayed in Paris. That way, if I wasn't feeling particularly mobile, we could just hang out at home for the day or two I'd need.

It turns out that worked out well. I more than survived and was quite comfortable. The other thing that really helped is Paris is full of free, clean, public toilets. And if those aren't available, the local restaurants totally let you use the washroom without feeling ashamed that you're not a customer.

My next hurdle is the upcoming trip down to the States to teach yoga. I'm pleased that my period has arrived early, so perhaps I'll have the bulk of things to manage, let's say, here at home. That's relieving.

So are the herbs helping? They might be. I haven't felt like I wish they'd take my uterus out or anything, but I really have to manage to make it feel that way. My Natural Doctor said it isn't time to have another ultrasound yet because the herbs will need longer to shrink the tumour. So I suppose I'll get another one in the Fall.

Dealing with anemia has raised a challenge for me, which I think I'm really taking on. I was feeling so tired and wiped out and so I slowed everything down, which resulted in more weight on me, less energy, and I don't think that helped. So I have picked the pace back up, returning to my gym and trainer, and dealing with some of the things that were stopping me from running (sore knee) and making sure I'm being more physically active in general. Hopefully this will result in less weight for me to be carrying around, as well as greater energy overall.

Relationshipwise: I haven't been writing about it but I have a boyfriend. He's been around for over six months now and if you've seen me in that time, you've probably met him, because we're together a lot. Maybe it's because I've been burned in the past while I've been blogging and I'm afraid to have to explain it all or maybe I'm just not there yet, but I haven't been talking about him. But just so you know, I have a great boyfriend. He gets along well with my daughter, and we're happy.

Workwise: It's summer and I'm not leading the summer yoga teacher training intensive as I have for the past two years, so I left that space open and I've been having a good time traveling and spending time doing not much. As a result, I have lots less money though, which does freak me out. As an entrepreneur, I need to be spending time finding new work and cultivating clients and stuff, but I haven't been doing that at all. I've been at the beach and in Paris, and really just enjoying myself. Things will pick back up in the Fall I trust.

Practicewise: I've been taking things easy, as I've already mentioned. I'm not meditating as much as I used to - I've been doing other things. Lately my meditation has sometimes taken the form of focusing and working with the fibroid. I'm "allowing it to be there" while I also take steps to have it go away, so there's a bit of a juggle I do internally, trying not to be a hypocrite, but really being present with what's happening in my body. I've been back with my trainer the past two or three months and that feels really good.

There you have it. The update. I won't take so long to do it again.

Yoga Retreat

For the first time Kat Mills and I will be leading a yoga retreat together this summer. We are really excited about leading a retreat together. We love teaching yoga together!

It's happening Sunday, August 21 - Friday, August 26 on Juniper Island in the 1000 Islands.

If you've been with me and Kat before, you can imagine the tone of the retreat. If you haven't been with me and Kat before, just know it will be fun, funny, educational, experiential, light-hearted, relaxing, and refreshing.

We will practice silence everyday for a bit (practice being the key word there) and we'll do yoga a couple of times each day, as well as look at yoga in everyday life and how it fits in. We plan on taking the ancient teachings of yoga and making them accessible and applicable to modern life.

Let me know if you're interested in knowing more about it or to register.

Yoga and Hoarding

I have recently found out that I'm close to some people who hoard. Without going into detail about who they are and the fascinating details about what's like to hoard I'll just post my thoughts about hoarding and how we all do it some ways and how yoga can be used to approach hoarding.

Yoga is the process of letting go of what's not you. In yoga, we let go of extra weight in some cases, but really the letting go is of old habit patterns and ways of thinking and acting that are not in alignment with who we really are. When we practise the yamas and niyamas for instance, we can go through a process of witnessing ourselves in our lives, waking up from habitual ways of being so we can live more consciously.

Some of us hoard weight. We started off thin as youngsters and then over the years, we kept adding and adding and not being able to shed what we didn't need anymore and eventually it can weigh us down so that we're carrying extra weight and it damages our health. Hoarders are like this with stuff. Some of us can relate because maybe we've held on to some things that are no longer needed or used and we can't really store those things anymore but we try. I've written a few posts over the years of my own personal struggles with letting things go.

Yoga also works like a digestive system. It can help us to integrate the things that have come before so we can take on more of life. Not just food that we take in, but experiences. Yoga helps us to get current in our lives, so we're not bringing along a bunch of stored up feelings or things to deal with.

People who collect stuff often don't have a way to get rid of it. I found that in my own experience. There was a system that brought stuff the house, but the system that recycled or donated stuff wasn't as efficient. When we see potential value in items, that can outweigh the cost it takes to keep the items around, and we'll keep on keeping things that have potential use, but not actual use. Those projects we meant to finish. The scrapbooks we mean to put together. The books we will read. It can really expand from there.

Letting go of bad habits whether they're destructive to our health - both physical and emotional/mental - or just displeasing to others, is often a really difficult process. We often keep these bad habits in place for a variety of different reasons, however, they often bring about very similar results: isolation, shame, loneliness, lack of vitality and many other symptoms.

I think that the teachings of yoga have helped me witness myself and my patterns in my own life and it has helped me have a lot of empathy for the people in my life who are uncovering their own patterns. Yoga for hoarders will be coming in the future!

(The picture is from a Google image search for hoarding. I'll see if I can get my own shots for future posts.)

Staying Fresh as a Yoga Teacher

Lately I've run into a number of old students from the Yoga Teacher Training programs I've taught in over the years and they've mentioned that they could use some support staying fresh as a yoga teacher. Just like how the obstacles on the path of yoga are the same as the obstacles on the path to anything you want to do, staying fresh as a yoga teacher is the same as staying fresh at anything you want to do.

A few years ago I was on the Omega Institute campus talking to old friends one who was a writer and the other a midwife. The writer said, "if I have to write one more course description..." The midwife said, "if I have to say 'push, push' again..." and I was saying, "if I have to say, 'inhale arms up' one more time..." And we all laughed at how we were in the same place but in different professions.

It happens to a lot of people - when you've been at the same job for over 10 years or however long until you feel that way - you get tired of doing it. Sometimes it's just the natural process of getting older. We struggle when we're young to settle into a routine and sometimes after awhile we feel constrained by it.

What to do?

You could quit. It's at that point some people quit their jobs and find something else to do. There are pros and cons to that. If you aren't dealing with whatever are the underlying issues to your frustration, you'll run right into that again after you've been in your new job after some time.

You could take a break. Sometimes going on vacation or trying something else new will refresh you. If you haven't had a holiday in a long time, build in a break for yourself. The particular summer I'm referring to at the top of this post was one where my holiday was a working holiday. I taught more yoga while I was away and at earlier hours than I did at home. I didn't occur as a holiday at all!

You could do nothing. Just knowing there are days when you will struggle to find inspiration to do your job can help make it normal and just like the passing weather, you can rest assured it will change again.

Another thing you could do is dig even deeper into your profession. Rather than going away from it, you could get right back in there. Study more. Take new courses, get a mentor, and remind yourself of what fired you up in the first place to become a yoga teacher, writer, midwife, or whatever.

Nurturing yourself, connecting with others, exploring your profession - these are some of the ways you can stay fresh as a teacher.

Do any of you have ways that you stay fresh as a yoga teacher or other profession? I'd love to hear your comments.

Yoga Rules

I come from a background of few yoga rules. I use a lot of "allowing" languaging. Anything goes. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Listen to your body. You've heard me.

Every once in a while I get a group that challenges me and makes me come up with rules.

It makes sense that some groups will do better with clearer guidelines and expectations. The group I'm talking about in particular is the kids who've been expelled or suspended from school. They get to go to a special school, and I'm their yoga teacher. Their new principal is an old student of mine and he thought maybe yoga would help them to relax and learn how to cope better.

The first class had about 10 students in it and was awkward. A group of expelled and suspended students is a group of mostly boys, that's the reality. So we wondered how to present it so they'd feel good about going but not too weird to be in there with their buddies. Over the past few weeks we've worked it out but there were days when I had to take a big breath to walk in the door and deal with rowdiness, smoke breaks, phones on, people coming and going, the class ending early because everybody bailed, it was not what I've become used to when people pay to come to a yoga studio!

I worked with their social worker on the rules and we agreed: if you come in, you're in for the whole class. Come in on time or you can't come. No talking to each other during class. No texting - your phone isn't on your body. If you don't want to do a move, don't do something else instead. Stuff like that. Basic respect and manners. And I have to say the rules at the beginning of each class.

With those rules in place, we've had more repeat customers. They're learning some poses and sun salutations but the thing they seem to love the best is the relaxation where I touch them. I do the "leg jiggle, arm jiggle, head scratch" thing (the assisted relaxation if you've ever been in one of those classes with me).

Watching a group of troubled young men relaxing on their yoga mats makes me happy. It reminds me of the pride I felt when I was new with the police and would have a group of 20 guys (without their guns) taking 2 minutes to relax and how powerful that was.

It's taken a few weeks to get it together, but it seems like it's falling into place and having the other staff on board assisting me in holding space for these young people who choose to come to yoga (it's optional for them but 2 are doing it for gym credit) is making a difference and the kids are getting it.

The Herbs *May* Be Working

It's probably too early to tell, and maybe I'm just really hopeful, but I think this next period I have is going to be closer to a normal one. I can just feel it. If it's not, I figure I'm in big trouble and will have to do something about it, so there is a lot riding on this one, and I'm hopeful.

What I've been doing since I last blogged is eating seeds like I said, and taking herbs to reduce bleeding, and balance my hormones because apparently the situation I'm in is in part due to raised estrogen levels, which is natural at this time of my life.

I bought a Blendtec blender and have added lots of raw foods to my diet - without eliminating other foods altogether at all, rather replacing some meals with smoothies, which has been a lot of fun. I've been tweeting my smoothie concoctions and apparently they're getting tastier - my daughter is quite particular about her smoothies.

It feels so weird to have been going on a certain way for 30 years and then all of a sudden to have things be so different. I know other life situations are like that, but this was an internal process rather than an accident or some external intervention, just that clock inside.

The women I've spoken to who've had the recommended procedure have not regretted it at all and said their lives are so much better post-surgery and I find that encouraging. However, I'm still determined to resolve this without medical intervention. It was the same thing with the birth of my daughter. I was prepared to go to the hospital if I had to, and at one point during the labour my midwives "threatened" to take me to the hospital if I didn't get my kid out (full disclosure: she was 4.9kg, really long, and her head circumference was actually off the growth chart, ouch), but because of the research I'd done that revealed that often medical intervention leads to more medical interventions, I was really motivated to do it myself. My mom's had loads of surgeries that have made me want to make sure I don't have that happen to me and very sad for how she's had to recover from extra interventions that would have not been necessary if extra care had been taken during the surgeries. If I can prevent that from happening to me, I'm going to do it.

Managing what I eat and what time I take all of the herbs and supplements and rub on the creams and I tell you, it keeps me on my toes. I'm not quite at the point where I need an app to tell me what time to take which tablet, but I can relate to those who do.