Honestly

I started this blog almost three years ago to deal with my "mandate," and I've been reflecting lately about how much I am in the same place I was three years ago. I've travelled around, seen new sights, and circled back to where I started on more than one occasion.

I'm a bit older. I have learned a few new things. But essentially, I feel like I'm in the same place. So I'm probably not. I'm probably further along on my path. I know I've opened up and grown and I'm nicer and deeper and other things. But it feels the same. I know more. I can see bigger pictures. But it feels the same inside. And it's uncomfortable.

And I know now that it's more than normal to feel uncomfortable. And I'm more aware of my discomfort. And that doesn't make the discomfort more comfortable for the most part. I still want things to be different than they are a lot of the time. My own words ring in my ears about how it's important to allow myself to be as I am and that things are going to change. Some of the changes I'll like, some I won't like.

I know that being present with what is, is the way to go. I know that to allow the moment to be as it is, is the healthy, enlightened option. But often I don't feel that way. I want to manage things. I want to change stuff. I want to edit my life. I want to grow in areas I feel weak in. And that's just how I'm feeling.

Sometimes I don't feel that way and I feel grateful and lucky and happy and pleased with my choices. That happens for awhile everyday too. But just like it's that one negative comment on the feedback form that sticks with you, the "what's not working" seems to stay in my brain and repeat itself off and on through my day.

Drama

I've been involved in a lot of drama the past week especially. Tons of Fringe plays, Remi's going out for an audition tonight for a part in a play, but that kind of drama is fine. There's the other kind of drama that has been going on that makes things all intense and weird. Without going into the gory details just know it involves an ex, a reconnection, the truth coming out about what "really happened" way back a few months ago, contact with "the other woman," and not in that order. Then there are all of the accompanying feelings, of course.

The good news is it doesn't feel as bad as it did when the initial hurt happened, the bad news is that it does hurt all over again. No tears, just a big punch in the stomach kind of feeling.

We all love in different ways. Some of us try to love each other by sharing information, others try to love each other by withholding information we're afraid will hurt. We talk about this in yoga all the time. When do you tell the truth? What if that truth will hurt someone? What if not telling that truth will hurt someone? And then it's all context. If you're someone like me, not hearing the truth is way worse than hearing the truth even if those contents are distasteful. Other people would rather be spared the details and will feel loved by being sheltered from some information. It all depends. There's no right way to do it.

I go back to Anthony DeMello and am reminded that reality is manageable. We can all handle reality. It's here. It just is. And again, I have to go back to the reality that what's so is that that I've been lied to some more, again, lots, whatever, and even though I'd prefer to just hear the straight scoop, the other person won't dish unless forced. So, my reality, which is manageable, is that I've been had. Used. And it makes me feel like a total idiot. Okay, so I'm not being not very powerful. Hey, what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

For a great, short talk on getting stronger, surviving, thriving, and actually achieving the impossible, listen to Ray Zahab. Thanks, Tamsin, for mentioning to me his video was on TED.