Standing some more inside a giant jar of peanut butter

This is the final cut for now. Titles, music, and now it's time for dinner!

Standing Inside a Giant Jar of Peanut Butter

This is the draft of the video. I meant to edit voices out of this one but the way I did it meant that's not doable - I'll have to go back and work on it some more. I'm learning lots! I can hardly wait to shoot some yoga video stuff in front of a green screen. I'll have to work on a spot in Ottawa though as my time in Florida is quickly coming to an end.

It's fun!

Chilly in Florida

It's cold here. I heard it may even snow tonight! They cancelled a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans due to cold weather yesterday, which is about a 6 hour drive west of here. I was considering doing some yoga video stuff here but it's been so cold that to do anything on the beach hasn't felt like a good idea. We're not even driving back to see Swami J again. Things worked differently than we'd planned and so I'll stay put in Tallahassee for the weekend.

What I did do today though was stand in front of a green screen and do my "scraping outside the inside of a giant jar of peanut butter" thing. I'm hoping to find a good match of a peanut butter jar and my scraping and see if I can get it to look as planned. I've got a few more steps to do before that's finished though. So there's nothing here for you...oh here's a picture of a jar and one of me in the Circle K cafe using their wi-fi.

It feels funny not to be teaching yoga for so long. This will be the longest I've gone not teaching in I can't remember how long. Years for sure. I've taken a week off before but this will be over a week! I do like it too. It's really nice being on vacation, I must say. Even though there's weather and ups and downs and all of that, but all in all it's good.

Mind Wrap

One of the exercises we did on the weekend was to allow our minds to take the shape of certain things - in this case we were using our bodies. So we'd wrap our mind around our head and allow our mind to take the shape of the head. Then remove the mind, letting it rest in the heart and then put it in the arms, letting it wrap around that and become the arms. It progressed from there.

It was a cool exercise for me because I hadn't noticed that my mind actually takes the shape of the thing I've wrapped my mind in. It actually becomes that thing and loses sight that obviously, it's not that thing. Consciousness is just consciousness but it gets close to objects and takes their form. In this type of example, the object that the mind wraps itself around could be an idea just as easily as a physical object. When that's happening, it's so clear that thoughts and ideas are form as well - they're matter just as much as a knee or table or anything outside.

So today my mind took the form of an idea or a sense that things aren't the way they should be; that I'm not the way I should be; and my mind wrapped around that mental object and has been holding on tight. I've tried unwrapping it, letting it go back to my heart centre, but it is super-clingy and just gets stuck again on "things aren't going the way I want them to," and I must say, it sucks. It's interesting to watch on the one hand, when I can get around to that, but then it just goes right back to forming the object that includes self-judgement.

And then my mind does something so powerful - it actually becomes the object and then I get to be a zombie or robot and all of a sudden I'm on auto-pilot, unconscious and acting from a place of being the object of "rejection" or "rejecting" and there's pain. And then I unwrap, notice my super-powers, look around, notice my body, and then the mind wraps around something else. "I'm on vacation, I'm supposed to be having a good time. I don't have room in my experience right now for things not working out the way I want them to," is one of the objects my mind forms.

So I'm watching. And it is kind of neat. As I've said lots before, the only way to really practise attachment is to notice where you're attached. This is the same thing. My mind is attached to certain objects and the way to have it reform into something else is to be well-aware of what my mind is currently in the shape of/wrapped around. Then I can see if that is serving me or not serving me and go from there.

Swami J

I spent a couple of days with Swami J, and by couple of days I mean a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening for a couple of days. I'm going to go back in a couple more days and spend a couple of days as I just described :)

It was refreshing to be with a teacher who obviously knows his stuff, but it is able to impart it in a way that is soothing rather than jarring. Sometime I hear new stuff and I have to filter it and convert it to my internal language, but for most of the time I was with him, it was easy to listen to and fit in with what I already understand. I learned new things as well, but mainly it was new ways of describing things I've learned before, like Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, for instance.

He's really low-key and the ashram is his townhouse, which is a small place near a small mall in a small town in northern Florida, also known as LA (Lower Alabama). He's also all about yoga is not just asana, which is something I appreciate, and that without meditation, we're really not practising. And trying to separate them is untrue, as the term yoga includes meditation, but the way it gets practised in the West at a lot of places, people are basically doing asana classes without the other aspects of yoga.

He offers online classes/conversations to anyone who wants to join in. I haven't tuned in yet, but I plan to when I'm back in Ottawa.

Mac Takes a Trip

I wish I could show you a picture of my new computer in Florida but it's taking the picture so I can't get a picture of it right now. So here's a picture of me instead.

I made it to Florida last night and today's a day just to relax and chill before heading out tomorrow to do some visiting with a swami in Ft. Walton Beach.

On the way down I read a book by Swami Rama, who's the main teacher of Swami J, www.swamij.com, who I'm going to visit tomorrow. I've heard about Swami Rama before and I was at a conference back in the early '90s that his people presented and I must say, I was a bit apprehensive to learn more about his teachings based on what I've read on the internet. So basically, in the end, the guy was a creep and a sexual predator, which seems to be a common story for these gurus who come from the east to the west. I decided to read the book based on the fact that the guy I'm planning on seeing tomorrow mentioned that it would be a good one to have read before coming, and we happened to have it on the bookshelf at Rama Lotus, so I bought it. I had an open mind and a lot of time on my hands yesterday so I read it.

The main thing I resonated with was that we need to appreciate and train our inner worlds as much if not more than our outer worlds. The inner needs attention too. That I can get on board with.

So I'm at a cafe spending some time with my new computer, letting my body thaw out after the deep freeze that I left back in Ottawa.

Thought Powered Computers

I've been saying for awhile it's going happen. The energy of the future. It's our thoughts! Maybe not the energy but the director. Like this new thing that will assess the brainwaves and direct lights for an installation at the Olympics. I like to think one day we'll be able to start our cars with our searing gaze of concentration. Maybe if we can sustain the concentration, the dharana, we'll be able to keep the car moving. Let's begin with just starting the car up though.

Here's the link.

We had some great lessons this past weekend in the YTT with presentations of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras and some car analogies came up. Like our body is like a car and when we die, moving to another body is like getting out of our old car and getting into a new car. I went with the visualization. I like it. I don't "feel" that yet, but I'm trying it on.

This weekend coming up I'm going to visit Swami J of www.swamij.com in Florida. Too bad, eh? I know. Bummer. Florida. So far. Away. From the cold. And by the time I get back, winter will almost be over!

Anyway, I'm heading down to Florida for some more yoga studies and some visits and videoing and relaxing, eating and studying, and I'll see you when I get back! I may send thoughts and reports as I find internet connections, but if I'm sporadic, that's why.

The Best Place to Be

I really believe that the best place to be is where you are. And I don't mean in geographical space. Of course it's rotten in Haiti and other parts of the world right now. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about internal realms. If you know where you are, then things line up - you come into alignment - and things flow more freely.

One of the best ways to find out where we are is to look at areas of unconsciousness, or where you're being "inauthentic." Look around your life and find a place where energy is not moving freely, where you're stuck and where you think you shouldn't be. Like I think I should be "further along" in relationships and thinking I should be that way is an "inauthenticity" or is unconscious thinking. I think all sorts of things, I have lots of beliefs about my life and about how it's not going the way that it should. And again, I've got lots of areas that work and where I'm not bothered. But that's not what this post is about.

So when I get present to where I really am, thanks to that area of unconsciousness that allows me to see myself, I can just be there. (In the Landmark Education it would be to be authentic about an inauthenticity.) Maybe have a cry, maybe just look around, but notice that I wish things were different, that I have expectations of things being other than they are, and just that, the noticing of where I am frees me up. And when I look at where I am, in this case in the area of relationships, and I see that I feel like I'm not as skilled as I think I should be, I just see a place where I'm adding suffering that I don't have to. I see that that's how I feel, that I'm holding myself to expectations of things that are not how they are, and poof! the suffering disappears and I feel freed up.

It doesn't usually last. To blast the mountain out of the way I'm going to have to use many sticks of dynamite, but it's a process of chipping away at it. Sometimes the blast is the final one and the thing disappears, the obstacle is removed. But usually it's a gradual hammering away at the thing. And it feels good to blast a bit of unconsciousness away for a bit. Because the thing about being present is it's the same no matter what the circumstances are. So being present in a place where I feel lousy feels just as good as being present in an area where I feel good. Present is present. It's how good times can happen even in the midst of normally lousy external circumstances.

The other thing about being exactly where you are, no matter where that is, is it's very attractive to other people. When you can just simply be where you are, and really own the place you're in without blame or judgement or self-criticism, other people find it nice to be around.There's something so refreshing about being with somebody who just is where they are, especially if it's a place that normally is associated with misery or doubt. When someone is awake in their own discomfort, we trust them, we like them, we want to be in that place too.

So this morning I had some moments of feeling unconscious and small and I was able to see it, see what I was doing to myself and how I didn't need to do that and poof! it passed and I feel my power is restored and I'm back to balance. For now! Balance will need to be restored again, but for this time right now, I am present and good with myself in an area that I tend to judge myself about. What a nice break.

Pizza for Haiti

I've been thinking about heaven and hell a lot lately. I am not going to get into much of it here, so you can relax right now. And even the last Pope admitted that heaven isn't a place you go when you die, rather it's a state you're in on Earth, in this life. Again, I'm not going to go there this evening. But it has had me thinking...

So here we are in Canada, enjoying all the kinds of things we enjoy. One might say we live in heaven here. Our ancestors would for sure think we live in some kind of heaven. (If I have to jiggle your imagination just think about computers and air travel, heated seats and hot showers and try describing them to your great-great-great grandparents. Seriously, give it a go, start talking.) The thing with heaven is that it co-exists with hell. (If you have trouble imagining hell, click on any link to Haiti at the moment.) The thing about heaven is that it has to hear about hell.

And when we are in heaven and we hear about hell, what are we going to do? Keep eating? Keep counting our money? Keep enjoying our heaven as though perhaps we've earned it? No. If you're like most people I know, you're going to be sitting a little less comfortably in your throne in the clouds and actually get off it and get your hands dirty.

Don't get me wrong, I notice the Haiti bandwagon thing happening. I live right beside the Shepherds of Good Hope and I know they're still hungry there, and even though there was a big earthquake someplace else making everybody else throw parties, they're still hungry here, (plus it's really freaking cold out tonight and people are going to freeze if they don't go inside). So having a disaster as big as a massive earthquake in Haiti happen shakes us, wakes us up. We get into action and raise money for Haiti, even if it's just for a couple of weeks. We have pizza parties in our homes and yoga classes in our studios and big concerts in our countries to raise awareness. And some of us will keep noticing that we live in heaven and hell is right there. For some of us, we live in heaven and hell at the same time. They co-exist. It's weird.

I happen to believe that for the most part, heaven and hell don't come as a matter of external circumstances, but are rather states inside of us. (We can all probably recall times when we had little but were happy and miserable while there was abundance.)

In any case, I ate some great pizza tonight and gave some more cash for the cause to help the people of Haiti. It's about time these people got some help and I think it's truly awful that it took such a massive catastrophe to get us to look their way and act like we care.

It's Wednesday, it's Late

I know it's late. I'm about to retire for the evening but I thought I'd take a moment to breathe. To relax. To allow what's there to be there. And tonight, to be grateful. There's a lot going on as usual in a life, but right now I choose to narrow my focus on a couple of things that really feel good. Often those are things that are outside myself, like I had my hair cut today and that feels good, my Mac is on its way (it made it from Alaska to Kentucky today according to UPS), I have people writing stuff to me that feels so creative and adventurous, I've got great people to hang out with, and those are things that are outside myself.

On the inside I have access to realms that are not impacted by the outside so much. I notice myself and who I am no matter what's going on on the outside. That Self that watches my life with me, that's there all the time. The Self that's the same as when I was 16 or 26 and I expect when I'm 66 and beyond. I'm still listening to Caroline Myss, and the repetition of her teachings takes me to new places each time. My meditation is too easy now, like wow, and I think I'm also sitting in some of the benefits of that.

Oh, and there's this little trip I'm taking in just over a week. There's seems to be a benefit to having something in your future to look forward to that seems to make the Now a little more fun. So maybe that outside bit is impacting the inside bit. I don't know.

In any case, I close the evening grateful.

Oh, and here's a video Remi made while I was out for a bit. She went to bed happy too, pleased with her little creation.

Bloopers from Remi Amazing on Vimeo.

Schedule Change

There has been a recent change in my schedule and it has me thrown off a bit. I used to teach a Hatha Intermediate class at 5:45 and then whip over to the Hatha Beginner class down the hall that begins at 7:30.

A new room is opening up at Rama Lotus this "term" but not for another week. I decided to try a new class that will begin at 4:30, which means I won't be leading the 5:45 Intermediate class anymore. But the schedule started before the room was ready, which means I'm feeling like I'm supposed to be somewhere but I'm not. Next week I'm supposed to be somewhere, but today I'm in the right place, which is at home at my computer working on the business plan for the iPhone thingee and blogging to y'all.

I could have just gone to the class and taken it, thereby keeping myself in a schedule and I even really thought about doing that, but then I stayed where I was, all warm and at home. I did some yoga right here in my livingroom, in my jeans I might add (I tell you, you do not need fancy clothes for yoga), and now I'm about to get ready to head over to lead the class at 7:30. Weird.

It's Not Too Late to Have a New Year's Resolution

If you've been thinking it's time to get back to yoga or you're thinking it might be time to meditate, but then you noticed that it's getting to the end of January and you missed your chance to start the year off right, please think again. It's okay to start now! Anytime is a good time to start a practice. Any day will work to begin.

I'm always so impressed by people who come to class for the first time. They just get it together, get themselves to Rama Lotus or wherever, fill out the forms, pay, get changed, find their room, and then actually get into a class for the first time. Amazing. I think it takes a lot of guts to do that and I try to make it as comfortable as possible for people who do show up. So if you haven't come before and you're thinking about it, just come. And if you've come before but it's been awhile and you just need to get back into it, just come.

If you need to ask me some questions beforehand, fire away. If you want a reminder, just send me an email and I'll remind you. If it's your birthday and you need me to sing Happy Birthday to you in the class, just let me know, we can swing that I'm sure.

So just come. And if you get stopped, just keep going. Come late if you have to. My hatha classes are especially easy to come a few minutes late to unlike the Bikram classes. Just come. Wear whatever (my site has a description about that www.capitalyoga.com). However you are will work.

See you tomorrow night at 7:30!

Outside My Comfort Zone

I'm feeling a bit outside my comfort zone and I think it's a good thing. I posted that earlier today on my Facebook status and a bunch of people "liked" it, gave me their thumbs up, and without knowing any of the details I figure that's a vote of confidence.

I'm still processing a lot of this Caroline Myss stuff. She said we go around asking for guidance and then we ignore it when it comes. A while back I wrote a bit about what I call my "Gurubelle," like my higher self voice. I first heard this clear voice when I was about 24 while I was living at Kripalu. I could tell you all about it and maybe one day I will, but just know that after it told me that it was there and what I should/could do in my life, I promptly told it to shut up and leave me alone. And the higher self voice went away.

And then it came back by me sort of asking if it was still there and it said it was. Never left. The thing was that if I wanted this sort of presence to remain in my life I was going to have to let go a bit. I didn't want to do that. I was a mother, I had responsibilities and what if this little mission Gurubelle was going to send me on made me drop everything and walk to California or something crazy. Gurubelle wouldn't make any promises that that wouldn't happen. "No deal," I said. "Forget it."

After the year I had last year, I figured might be a good time to see if that voice was still around, still willing to guide me. "Yep, still here." Hmmm. The guidance I get leads me to different resources and opportunities. It resonates with what Caroline Myss says that started today's topic. It encourages me to work on alternative projects, to take trips, do things differently and that takes me outside of what I normally do. The guidance encourages me to spend money in different ways, to listen to my gut, to notice where I'm not present. It has me use the tools I've gotten from yoga, meditation, Landmark, and put them to use.

So I feel a bit wobbly as I take a step out. I also feel quite confident and excited, but the part of me that loves being comfortable with my reasons for being the way that I am and the part of me that likes things to stay the way they are, clinging to my past stories and hurts and my symbolic safety blanket, is feeling really sleepy.

More on Non-Attachment

I think that attachment gets a bad rap. Sometimes attachment is a good thing. Consider parenting, for instance. If we didn't get attached to our kids, we wouldn't take care of them. In fact, improper attachment at birth can make growing up really difficult. So attachment itself isn't necessarily the problem.

In healthy relationships, some kind of attachment helps to form a seal so a container is made that hold things. Like life. Experiences, feelings, businesses, families, poetry, all kinds of things. The attachment itself can be like glue and is useful. The hard part comes when the attachment is broken. How do we respond when we don't have the thing we're attached to? Or does fear of loss come up just from being attached to something?

To walk around in complete detachment isn't really human or very realistic. It's also one of the symptoms of being a sociopath. It comes in handy to be able to detach when it's time to let go for sure, but to be afraid to get in there and feel and love and connect just because we're anticipating the one day when it's all over and how rotten that will feel, is sort of sad. Knowing how to detach effectively sounds to me like the skill to master. Be attached when appropriate, and be unattached when appropriate. To generalize and say all attachment is bad and everything in life is the same as every other thing isn't allowing for variety, our preferences, our particular voice to be heard or raised.

To distinguish this, sometimes we consider the difference between commitment and attachment. Being committed gives us direction and purpose and freedom for the thing we're committed to to happen or not happen. Being attached implies there will be some clinging if the thing doesn't happen and that there will be some pain involved if the thing doesn't happen. Commitment implies being present whereas attachment implies being stuck in our ways, which is not being present. And on the other hand, some people have a lot of trouble with the word commitment, as they get it mixed up with attachment. Keeping them separate is helpful at understanding how to be FOR something without being ATTACHED to it. Get it?

One of the ways to find out if you're committed to something or attached to something is to reflect on how it would feel if that thing were not around anymore. That cup of coffee. That person. The job. What if your car were stolen (Gasp. Bun-bun!), or you lost your stuff in a fire, or you simply left your lunch bag on the bus (true story, you know who you are!). The earthquake in Haiti can show us how we're all attached to the stuff we have - all we have to do is imagine trading places, but we're also committed that people get clean water and have medical care and are reunited with their families. When we're committed we can keep going in the face of failure because we don't have to stop and process our disappointment. We keep going.

Non-Attachment

We're at that point in the yoga teacher training program again. The weekend where we talk about non-attachment and then come up with a practice for it. Some people plan purging rooms and boxes of files. Others plan to stop drinking coffee. Some people just can't seem to come up with an area they think they're attached.

We always recommend doing something that shakes up your routine a bit and totally within moderation. Just notice where you're attached. It doesn't mean you have to be totally unattached. Just notice that you're attached! Like the coffee thing - you could give up coffee altogether or how about just on Mondays? Thursdays? How about don't have it one day a week until noon? Just something to show you where you're tied.

And Caroline Myss mentioned in the tapes I'm listening to again, Energy Anatomy, that when we talk about being honest, we often are willing to point out where our flaws are but not our strengths. And with that, she says we need to be responsible for using our strengths, for knowing what they are and putting them to use. But back to non-attachment, she reminds us to unplug from the things that are draining us and remove importance and significance from old memories and ideas and let them go by calling our spirits back to Now.

Landmark Education says that life is empty and meaningless and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. All of that importance is stuff we put in there. So to practice non-attachment is to become aware of the games we're playing and knowing where we're hooked. Pema Chodron would say we're hooked in places and when we're hooked, there's suffering.

There's always an opportunity to notice where we're attached and see if it's possible to give it up. Sometimes we can't. That's okay. Knowing we're not letting go is closer than not even knowing we're attached. As Anthony deMello puts it, you can't become unattached until you've really experienced attachment. I didn't read the group the passage from the book, Way to Love, that I often do. It's a good reminder that finding yourself totally attached is a great place to be because it's not likely that you'll let go of something if you don't even know you're holding on and it's holding you back.

Some People Still Don't Do Yoga

I met some people tonight who don't do yoga. Weird. Do you know any people like that? They've heard of it but aren't about to try it? Even my Mac trainer yesterday was like, "if I get a sore back I lie on the couch." He was only sort of kidding.

Some people don't exercise at all! Bizarre. Then again, I remember when I was younger and I didn't have a habit of exercising and I just didn't do it. Sometimes I lived in places that required me to get "natural exercise" by having it built in - tree planting, living in an ashram, working at Omega - and I could get away with not doing formal exercise.

But a day did come when it didn't work for me to not work my body. And then a day came where it did not work for me to not work my mind. Spirit's day came too. Especially after all of that Caroline Myss stuff recently!

Anyway, if you have a thought that perhaps a friend you have might benefit from yoga, please encourage them to do so! Bring them to class! Get them a (my) DVD! It really makes a difference.

It's Official - I'm Short Again

I've got lots I could say about yoga today. I've got lots I am not talking about - family stuff is going on, it's the New Year, there's a lot happening - but the really big news in my daughter's world is that she has officially surpassed me height-wise.

I'd show you a picture, but apparently Mercury has gone retrograde or something because all of a sudden applications are crashing, photos won't load, and I just got a message saying my photos are locked and I can't access them. As if. So I'll have to sort that out...

A big thing I did this weekend was finally listen to some Caroline Myss tapes (yes kids, cassette tapes!) that have been on my shelf for years. I fell asleep to parts and I intend to re-listen to the whole thing because what she said, although some of her chats about illnesses are a bit dated, was pretty awesome. One of the things that stuck with me that I've been bringing up in classes today is her invitation to ask yourself "where's my spirit?" To me it's the same thing as noticing where your awareness is and when you notice it's in the past or the future, bring it back. But to ask, where am I leaking energy? Where is my spirit right now? What do I have to let go of to be completely present? Those are good questions.

So I've been asking them to myself over the past couple of days and I have to say it's left me feeling pretty "empowered." In fact, I'd say the whole six-tape set was about empowerment.

Skype Meditation

Sometimes we need some support for our meditation. I sure do. And when I shared that with my old ashram buddy, Mindi, she could totally relate. Company can be lots stronger than willpower. When Michael was here in November, it was way easier to practise because he was doing it too. Last year when I was doing the Presence Process, that was also much easier because it was short and it was doable. But when that little program was over and when there aren't people here, I can get busy and distracted and stop.

As I've revealed over the years of my blog, when things go badly and I meditate, it helps. But then things start going better and I stop. The trick I'm working on is meditating even when things are good or basically I'm working on being consistent in my practice.

So Mindi and I made arrangements last night to meditate together for a few minutes over Skype today because we do not live near each other. I still did my morning thing I'm working on, and then I added a few more minutes in the evening.

Sometimes we need to just ask for help. Ask for what we want. And sometimes we'll get it. So don't be surprised to hear that people you think are strong in something need help too sometimes!

Yoga App

So you know I've been working on a yoga app for the iPhone and iPod Touch. And it's just sort of in the background. I'm not thinking about it all the time or obsessing about it. I'm just making plans quietly for it and appointments and going to work on it and it's coming along. Not like other things in my life, which I think about and don't plan for and get all excited and weird and everything (see the karma installation below).

And yesterday I actually got tentative funding to make this thing happen. I've got some paperwork to do and a couple of hoops to jump through, but I'm quite confident that I can muster up those things and get the thing approved. And then there will be people helping me and you'll hear more about it, because there will be something to show and talk about.

But that's not what I think about. I think about what's not working. I don't focus on what is working. Hmm. Interesting. It's what I think I want that I don't have that I worry about. That's what takes up my mental space a lot of the time.

I know I'm not alone in this mental pattern. I get emails all the time and all sorts of messaging from motivational speakers wanting to coach me into focusing on being positive or something. There's some big Secret - I know - I watched it, read it, blogged about it, appreciated it even. And still, I think about what's not working. Or I just think about what I think about and sometimes it's in a state of working, and sometimes it's in a state of not working.

Sometimes it's pleasant. Sometimes it's unpleasant. That's life.

Video Blog

I'm taking lessons at the Apple store on things I'm into. Like making little movies, for instance. This one is really not very good, but I'm practising! This incorporates the rough footage taken this past weekend in Florida, it has a soundtrack made from another clip later in the trip, plus I did voiceover. And put it up here. Right before heading to teach the Beginning Yoga class at Rama Lotus tonight at 7:30!