Sources of Suffering

There's so much going on I hardly know where to begin so I'll just cut to the part that I'm looking at this morning, which was precipitated by recent events and although the details are probably pretty juicy and interesting, they're just the externals. What I've been sitting with is internal weather and watching how even though it's bright and sunny outside, I could feel a cloud range in my belly as I was meditating. So rather than watch my breath, I chose to "unconceal" the clouds and see what was there.

So what was there was fear of rejection and its opposite, seeking approval. And this is so old, so much a part of my childhood, which I don't even write about here, and maybe one day I could brag about what I've had to overcome as a way of celebrating and acknowledging myself, but that's not what this post is about.

I have had an intense fear of rejection, but that's not really accurate because I have often found myself heading straight towards situations where I am certain rejection will be, not as way to confront it, but to be taken over by it, like indulging in it. Like Eckart Tolle's pain body idea. So it's like rejection lives in me and loves to come out and be felt once in a while so what it does is take me to situations where I can find rejection and live in that for a bit. Gross. I think it's even parasitic. So at the same time as I really, really don't like the feeling of being rejected, I find myself uncontrollably drawn to being rejected as though I'm picking a wound that could use some air to heal but I don't give it.

On the flip side of rejection lives my love and attraction for approval. It's so young, the source of this, it's me as a small kid and it's innocent and insecure, or maybe vulnerable describes it better.

During the weekend of the Landmark Forum, one of the things that comes up is how we all have these decisions we've made as children that we haven't reviewed and we are basically living out the fears of ourselves as children while we're in adult bodies. And I've known that and "get it" and still there's more to be revealed, there's internal weather patterns to be measured, and here I am.

What I've learned to do with everything that bothers me, whether it's physical stuff, like seasonal allergies, or it's emotional stuff that comes up by reviewing myself in my past relationships with men and my parents for instance, is to breathe into the sensations. That means I've got to find them first so I can breathe into them. The story with the allergies is that I used to have seasonal allergies that had sensations to them - itchy eyes, fatigue, other stuff - and I started watching them, allowing them to be there, and then one day they went away. Poof. Just like that. Every once in a while they come back and I watch the sensations, not with an intention to make them go away, but just observing them without judgement, and poof, they go away.

So when the pain surfaced this morning while I reviewed the rejection part (I got triggered by seeing my ex-boyfriend-on purpose - I should write about that too sometime - how I want to be free, including free to walk around my city and not avoid places because of people) I was able to get my arms around that old feeling and take a closer look at it. It didn't poof go away just yet. And it may not - I don't even have expectations that it will, I just intend to notice it and allow it. So it surfaced not as like the source of all my suffering, but like one of the fountains of suffering that I have in me.

When that happens, my teachers all come running to me inside. I hear Pema Chodron reminding me that I'm looking for ground when really things are groundless. I see a drawing of two circles - one with the details of what happened and one with the details of what I'm making it mean - that I got from Landmark Education. I hear myself telling me to find the places I feel and breathe into them. And it helps! It guides me through! I feel the victory that comes with me navigating myself through a dark forest that scares me - just like I want physical freedom on the outside, way more important to me is the emotional or psychic freedom to go anyplace inside myself.

So my meditation this morning was like a psychic x-ray or scan. I could see where there were areas of congestion and see how I have behaved in response. And then I felt so much compassion for myself and when that happens, it radiates out and makes me feel compassion for all of us. All of us making our way through this life with our hidden patterns and concealed desires. And noticing where I feel weak makes me feel so much stronger. Like I've got a map in my hands, a guide. It's good.

Transformational Activities

Okay Guys,

Here's a short list of things I recommend when people come asking me what they should do about this or that or just want things to change and be different somehow. And plus, if you're into transformation, you'll just naturally enjoy these things. And if you have more, let me know, because I love spending time doing things that focus on transformation.

And I know, transformation can happen at anytime, anywhere so there's no guarantee, but at least people have tested these and have had results, myself included.

So before you quit your job or end your relationship or spend a whole lot of money doing anything, I would highly recommend you spend three and a half days of your life doing the Landmark Forum. And then I'd recommend you go down the line and do the other courses they have to offer. That is number one.

If, by chance, you have ten whole days in a row to yourself, I would highly recommend you sit in a Vipassana meditation retreat. There's nothing like sitting in silence in your own mental crap that will motivate you to clear some of it out like this retreat will (except maybe the Landmark Forum).

Doing a yoga teacher training where you examine your life and the yoga sutras, would be another thing that would produce results, almost guaranteed. So check for those, but you'll need more like a month off for that type of thing.

In terms of bang for your buck, I'd do the first thing - it's only a weekend. But it's $500. Vipassana is a longer time commitment but not a financial one. Your first course is free, or by donation. Yoga teacher trainings tend to be in the thousands of dollars, so if you've got time and money, that would be fun, plus at the end you get a certificate if you're into collecting things :)

If you want to read something that is transformational, today's recommendation is anything by Anthony de Mello, but especially the book, Awareness. His call to WAKE UP is loud and clear in that book and he doesn't mince words. (This video is what the book says too - I think the book is a transcription of this series.)

Non-Attachment

We're at that point in the yoga teacher training program again. The weekend where we talk about non-attachment and then come up with a practice for it. Some people plan purging rooms and boxes of files. Others plan to stop drinking coffee. Some people just can't seem to come up with an area they think they're attached.

We always recommend doing something that shakes up your routine a bit and totally within moderation. Just notice where you're attached. It doesn't mean you have to be totally unattached. Just notice that you're attached! Like the coffee thing - you could give up coffee altogether or how about just on Mondays? Thursdays? How about don't have it one day a week until noon? Just something to show you where you're tied.

And Caroline Myss mentioned in the tapes I'm listening to again, Energy Anatomy, that when we talk about being honest, we often are willing to point out where our flaws are but not our strengths. And with that, she says we need to be responsible for using our strengths, for knowing what they are and putting them to use. But back to non-attachment, she reminds us to unplug from the things that are draining us and remove importance and significance from old memories and ideas and let them go by calling our spirits back to Now.

Landmark Education says that life is empty and meaningless and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. All of that importance is stuff we put in there. So to practice non-attachment is to become aware of the games we're playing and knowing where we're hooked. Pema Chodron would say we're hooked in places and when we're hooked, there's suffering.

There's always an opportunity to notice where we're attached and see if it's possible to give it up. Sometimes we can't. That's okay. Knowing we're not letting go is closer than not even knowing we're attached. As Anthony deMello puts it, you can't become unattached until you've really experienced attachment. I didn't read the group the passage from the book, Way to Love, that I often do. It's a good reminder that finding yourself totally attached is a great place to be because it's not likely that you'll let go of something if you don't even know you're holding on and it's holding you back.

Meaning Making Machines

On some level we're all meaning making machines. We all take things that have happened and we make them mean something. This is all in the Landmark Forum, by the way. Something happens (or we think it's going to happen) and then we make it mean something. That's just what we do. Sometimes we make it mean the same thing as a whole bunch of other people and then we have a "culture." But really, there's no meaning in anything. We put it there. It's just what we do.

And when something happens that we like and we make it mean something good, there's not usually a problem. It's when we take something that happened in the past (or something that's going to happen) and we give it a meaning that doesn't work for us that is where it gets interesting. Often the thing that happens and the meaning we give it have no relationship at all. So we can get all bent out of shape because of how our parents treated us or our bosses or life, and then we go on and think we're not enough or we're not capable, or we're not going to get what we want, and feel bad and go unconscious. Then we're not really present to what's happening at all, but we're stuck in our pattern of making meaning that's not true or good, and we're not being with who's in front of us.

We're not going to stop doing it. But if we can notice when we are doing it, we can snap out of it, come back to being present and then get on with things until it happens again.

New Haircut

It's raining again here in Ottawa. I don't mind really. I'm still thrilled that it's not snowing.

I got my hair cut today. My bangs were getting in my eyes and it was time to get it cut again. I don't like it when my bangs get in my eyes. I have a little conflict with my hairdresser about this. She thinks my bangs should be long and I don't like it when they're in my face and I threaten to cut them myself, which I've been known to do, so she humours me and cuts them shorter than she believes is right. If I really had it my way, I'd have my hair super-short and just use a number 3 or 4 and take care of things that way.

Today though, everybody was happy. My hairdresser was happy, I was happy, and my daughter was happy that I was doing something new. On my facebook status I reported that, "Jamine Ackert got a new haircut. Or got an old haircut again. Let's put it this way, it's been a long time since I've had my hair cut like THIS." And the funny part is that someone from highschool said, "back to the high school cut, sweet," so I wasn't lying. I did have this old hair cut! I was afraid I had been exaggerating.

It's an asana. Haircutasana. It feels funny. It feels normal though until I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or touch the back of my neck. Then I remember I'm doing a pose. The posture of having a new hair cut. It doesn't last long, and everyone that saw me today knows that as soon as I wash it, this haircut will be different.

I leave early tomorrow morning to go to Montreal for my workday as an Introduction Leader with Landmark Education. A day I dread and look forward to at the same time. And then I'm heading off to be at Omega for Family Week as the core faculty Yoga Teacher for a week. People keep wishing me "Bonne Vacances" and I keep saying that it's not a vacation. It's actually an underpaid week of work! Tonight someone in class wished me a Good Vocation after I'd said my spiel. And he was totally right. Of course this is my vocation, which is why I'm doing it this way! After class he mentioned to me he'd been on a recent trip where he visited some Native American sites in NM and AZ and reflected that their worldview had no distinctions between work and play, religion and seasons, and things all were fluid and holistic. I'm going to look into that some more. I can totally relate to that idea of things just being how they are and not making up a lot of boxes to put them into. I'll check it out and report back.

Here's another Present

I love helping people achieve their goals. And tonight I got to help someone play their game of becoming an Introduction Leader with Landmark Education. It's a long story if you don't know the context and a very short one if you do. I was going to lead an Introduction to the Landmark Forum but I wasn't completely prepared and when the opportunity came up for someone else to lead the Intro and have a chance to complete the measures for their Introduction Leaders Program, I jumped at it.

Anyways, I love the work that happens in the conversation at Landmark Education. Tonight I got present to an area of my life that hasn't been working as well as I'd like it to and I created a possibility. I could go on typing a lot and try to explain it and I may do that sometime, but right now, I'm sitting in a cool place of feeling satisfied that someone achieved a big goal and I had something to do with it, plus, I got to create a new possibility in an area of my life that's important to me but I honestly haven't been dealing with. Super bonus.

Crashing in Montreal

I said a while ago that I hardly know anyone outside of yoga and that's pretty much true. One of the other ways I know people is from Landmark Education. I did the Landmark Forum back in 2004 and since then I've taken a number of courses. (Back in 1991 when I first went to Kripalu to live, the Forum was happening the day I arrived. As I was too early of a resident to join in, I didn't take it. But I lived with 350 people who had just done it. So the Landmark Education distinctions all sound like yoga to me.) I'm redoing the Landmark Forum again this weekend and I'm staying with a friend who did the Forum at the same time. I'm with another yogini and we're crashing in a part of town here in Montreal I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been to before.

It's great! I'm with people I like doing some work I love and it's feeling really good. I've gotten back in touch with people and with myself at the same time and I must say, it's just what the doctor ordered.

I could go on and on about what I'm seeing and how I'm feeling and what ah-has I've had and I may just do that on another day. But I can tell you that I am for sure feeling more myself than I've felt in a long time. I have been doing this stuff for a long time and I stopped almost a year ago - the treks to Montreal seemed too much at one point - and I gave up except for a few short visits.

This happened to me with yoga once too. I stopped for a while. I got creaky and stiff and uncomfortable and I even went numb in my body sometimes at night. That freaked me out and I started going back to yoga practice and I haven't looked back.

I don't imagine that I'll ever give up yoga again. It keeps me sane and in touch with myself and physically comfortable. And after this weekend I think I could probably say that I won't give up being in some sort of Landmark Education program again (there are all sorts of ways I can be doing the education) because it also keeps me sane but rather than having me be in touch with myself so much, I'm more in touch with other people when I'm practising my Landmark stuff. So Montreal's great, but I'm not really here. I'm just crashing for the night while I spend my days and most of the evenings in sessions and on the phone and being in touch with what's really important to me in my life.