Am I Grateful Yet?

I said that if I end up having surgery for my situation (read past posts) I'd want to be grateful when I did it. After months of herbs and prayers and things, I may be entering the Grateful Zone.

I got a call today from a clinic that said they'd try and get me in for a second opinion. Word is a doctor read my chart and said she wouldn't do anything different and doesn't have time to see me in the next six months. The person who left the message was really helpful and said she'd help me find someone in the community who could do a second opinion. I'll call her back.

Practising yoga all these years has luckily for me, made living in my body relatively comfortable most of the time. I haven't had big things to deal with up until the call from my doctor's office last year that freaked me out. Why would they call me for just me having low iron? I'm starting to get it.

It's not that my body is turning on me, it's that it's maturing, and with that, there are changes happening to it that I haven't had to experience fully until now.

I don't like the idea of a general anesthetic. I don't the idea of losing my womb. But really, this could be so much worse (and it will get that way if I don't treat it), and I'm lucky that I live in this age when both the energetic as well as the physical options are available. Colour me grateful.

This is not a blog about Fibroids

This is not a blog about fibroids, but it might be for a little while.

The yoga teacher training group graduated yesterday afternoon. The ceremony was touching, the flowers were gorgeous, and everyone seemed so genuinely happy. The new teachers shared, the guests shared, it was just about the best part of my job. And then I got home and opened a card from the class. I dropped it on the floor and burst into tears.

They'd raised some money for me.

I should have had a clue when I read the little card at the yoga centre. "Get well. Hope you feel better soon. Etc." "But I'm not sick! Hmm. They must have been reading my blog." I was warned to open the big card in private. That was a good thing.

I know I'm still in denial when I consider my reactions. But this morning I woke up fortified and ready to take on Project Shrink Giant Fibroid (and Avoid Surgery). Maybe I'll come up with a better name for it, but for now that's what it will be.

Any hesitations I've had to contacting a natural doctor have been lifted and I already put in a call to one this morning. I've researched natural solutions on the internet and may download an inexpensive ebook on the subject. I won't be afraid to buy supplements. And if I need to do the shots to block my period, I'll have some help paying for that process. So the money already has helped.

I feel all of a sudden super-supported. Not that I was feeling unsupported before, but now I feel really powered by goodwill and the reality that I've been charged with the task of healing my body. Thanks to everybody who's sent me their good wishes - either in person or comments on my blog or even just the positive thoughts. It has made a difference and I'm grateful.

Movers and Shakers

My daughter's Grade 6 graduation ceremony was held yesterday at Rockcliffe Park Public School in the Big Gym. It was a lovely ceremony complete with awards to the best athletes, and scholars. Right in the middle of the ceremony there was a big commotion. It sounded and felt like a plane was taking off underneath the building. It might have been the subway except for the fact that we were in Ottawa and there's no subway here. Given that the school is attended by many important people's kids, it might have been a bomb. It was a "something" for sure and people started getting upset.

During the shaking I actually ducked for a moment, in case something was going to come from the ceiling. It lasted about ten seconds and then it stopped. People started yelling and those near the doors ran out. I was with my sister, my brother, my mom and my ex-husband. We were all pretty calm wondering which exit we'd go out. It turned out Remi went running with her friends. Nice one! Once outside I checked my Blackberry and sure enough, the twitterverse was abuzz with the earthquake news.

We'd just been in an earthquake that measured about 5 on the Richter scale.

People were pretty shaken but the kids were great. The whole school has a system and they lined up in their classes and the parents milled about and then we went back in. We finished the ceremony, declared the Class of 2010 to be real Movers and Shakers, had some cake, and packed up and went home.

Just the other day I tweeted, "look up. you're on a planet. let go for a minute," or something like that. We get so caught up in our lives and our games and our situations and we forget that we're on a planet. This planet it spinning and moving so fast but it does it in a way that doesn't make us feel sick. We can't slide off - I've tried - we can't fall off - gravity is like this and this is how it feels to be on this planet at this time.

As the shaking was going on I considered for a moment that "something bad" might happen and that things would change. I'm really glad that something bad didn't happen yesterday. I'm happy to go back to the games I was playing and the stuff I was working on. But I'm doing it today with a fresh reminder that I'm on a planet and things can and will change at any minute.

Bouncing Back

As you can see in the video, I'm bouncing. That was last night. I've decided that rather than stay on the edges like the other parents at trampoline class, I'll bounce too. So I signed myself and my sister up and we're doing trampoline with my daughter. It hurts like crazy for the next couple of days afterwards but I figure if I keep at it, I won't be so sore. My goal is to do a flip. That's after Level 4. I'm working on Level 2. Whoohoo!

Maybe it's the bouncing, maybe it's Spring almost here (today we've had an arctic blast and it's -20C out), maybe it's the praying, or it's just time finally taking care of things, but I have to say, I'm feeling freed up. One of the measures for me of how I'm feeling is how I'm sleeping and I've gotten back to just sleeping at night, not waking up to toss and turn and think, but nights of all sleep like I used to. That's a sure sign I'm good. I'm also speaking out more as the blog shows, and I'm restoring integrity all over the place in my teaching as well as in my relationships.

This is a longer story but it was only a few weeks ago I was imagining my "samskaras" like a huge mountain valley and me trying to fill it up with dirt and my hands. I'm thinking it's going to take me for-freaking-ever to have transformation. Many, many lifetimes. I have a huge groove in my life, it seems like it's always been there, and it seems like it's always going to be there. I've been noticing, breathing, feeling, meditating, sharing, and doing the things I know to do and today I can say I think it's working. I recognized a feeling in my body I'm trying to get rid of by bringing certain people into my life. And now that I've distinguished it, which I did a few weeks ago, it seems to be dissipating. This has happened with allergies, addictions, other habits, and it seems like it's happening with my worrying mind too. I don't know how else to describe it blog-style. It's an essay or a book.

So now I sleep at night and when I wake up, I'm not thinking about anyone in particular. If anything, I'm noticing that I'm thinking about my life with my daughter and what we're up to and it's not worrisome, it's just there. I know, like the weather, it will change and won't last, but for now, it's a fresh season, I'm refreshed, I'm worn out physically from tons of activity, and it feels great.

It's Wednesday, it's Late

I know it's late. I'm about to retire for the evening but I thought I'd take a moment to breathe. To relax. To allow what's there to be there. And tonight, to be grateful. There's a lot going on as usual in a life, but right now I choose to narrow my focus on a couple of things that really feel good. Often those are things that are outside myself, like I had my hair cut today and that feels good, my Mac is on its way (it made it from Alaska to Kentucky today according to UPS), I have people writing stuff to me that feels so creative and adventurous, I've got great people to hang out with, and those are things that are outside myself.

On the inside I have access to realms that are not impacted by the outside so much. I notice myself and who I am no matter what's going on on the outside. That Self that watches my life with me, that's there all the time. The Self that's the same as when I was 16 or 26 and I expect when I'm 66 and beyond. I'm still listening to Caroline Myss, and the repetition of her teachings takes me to new places each time. My meditation is too easy now, like wow, and I think I'm also sitting in some of the benefits of that.

Oh, and there's this little trip I'm taking in just over a week. There's seems to be a benefit to having something in your future to look forward to that seems to make the Now a little more fun. So maybe that outside bit is impacting the inside bit. I don't know.

In any case, I close the evening grateful.

Oh, and here's a video Remi made while I was out for a bit. She went to bed happy too, pleased with her little creation.

Bloopers from Remi Amazing on Vimeo.

Workshop at Omega (Mother-Daughter Yoga)

Can I tell you how excited I am that I get to lead a weekend workshop with my daughter next year at Omega? I'm very excited. When I was at Omega a couple of weeks ago being the yoga teacher on staff, I had a conversation with someone on the core staff about possibly leading a weekend workshop next summer. (There's a big difference between being the staff yoga teacher and being faculty - to me - at Omega. Faculty get nicer housing and have a special dining room, for instance!)

Anyway, when we were talking about it I found myself feeling excited like if that could happen, that would be so great. I mentioned to a few people that I was in conversation about leading a catalogue workshop but I didn't want to get my hopes up too high because way more people apply to lead courses there than actually get to. I practised non-attachment. (Right.) So when I heard back from Jim yesterday, I lit up! Yay!

There's no need to ask me what I did to get the job or what my proposal looked like and all of that because it's only due to my connections there that I had the conversation at all. It's definitely "who you know" in this case! And "who(m) do you love?" Right, Jim? And maaayyybbee there's been some positive feedback about the classes I've led over the past couple of years and maaayyybbeee my cute daughter's bubbly personality won hearts and we would have gotten the gig anyways, but I doubt it.

The Grateful Place

As I was getting ready for bed tonight I noticed something coming over me. It was an old feeling I haven't felt much in a while, and I recognized it right away. It was that grateful feeling. I'm starting to feel glad I'm in the situation I'm in. Maybe it's being in the first week of the Presence Process where I say to myself, "I choose to experience this moment," and maybe it's the end of the teacher training where we're all feeling so much love for each other, or maybe it's just nothing, but I'm feeling like it's good. Maybe the thaw has taken place. I'm glad I'm home alone (what a change from just 2 weeks ago!), I'm happy with my friends and with my life at the moment.

And I feel lucky. And that my friends, puts me in the Grateful Place.