Hidden Temple in my Neighbourhood

As I was looking for Pokémon last night (don't judge me), I walked past a place I hadn't been by in a while. Maybe it was the way it was lit, maybe it was the time of day, but when I walked by I saw something different. The sight of a car engine on the ground pulled me closer and I started walking a little slower. I was walking past the car repair shop but I felt as though I was walking past a temple. I don't get to many temples anymore the way I used to when I was travelling, and if I do get to temples in Ottawa, they're big and defined.

I slowed down and noticed that feeling I get when I'm looking at religious folk art. I start to notice and appreciate things like handwritten chalk numbers on the stacks of tires; the cars being worked on separately, laid out to be tinkered with; the tools in drawers and things organized in a human way, all to be used to help heal the sick. The shaman, I mean mechanic, must have been around as the bays were open and the radio was on, but I didn't see anyone.

I gave my thanks and moved on, touched by the potent sight.

Life after a Hysterectomy

Close your eyes if you don't want to read this post. I know it's not a topic for everyone. However, the more I tune in, the more I find that it is a topic for more and more people. So be warned.

You can read down my past blog posts to find out more about what life was like for me and why I decided to go through a very traditional medical procedure even though I'm in quite an alternative mind-set in general. 

I agonized about having an operation to remove my uterus. I delayed it by trying alternative options through diet and meditation. I could have had the operation much sooner it turns out.

I asked a lot of people I could get my hands on about having the procedure. And even though there were books about how bad it is to have a hysterectomy and radio programs with people calling in complaining about complications, not one person I spoke to personally had a bad time. I even spoke to my grandmother about her surgery that must have been over 50 years ago. All of these women were happy to have it out so their symptoms were gone.

I confided in my GP that I was so anxious about having the operation and it actually comforted me when he told me that it's such a common surgery now that for a doctor it's like taking your tonsils out. They just go in a tube and pull it back out on itself. Gulp.

Before surgery I did take a controversial drug to shrink the tumour. The side effects were unpleasant and I'm glad I didn't take it for too long. The Lupron did its job though, and the fibroids were small enough to be removed without incisions in my abdomen.

Going into surgery was scary for me. I hardly even go to a doctor's office let alone know how to navigate a hospital recovery room. If I were to do it again, I'd have someone stay overnight with me. The care after surgery left a little to be desired. Not being familiar with being in a hospital left me with a distinct disadvantage as to the protocol after hours. 

Because of the type of procedure I had, I have no visual scars. In order for this to happen, I had my cervix removed as well. I would have preferred to keep it, but in discussions with the doctor beforehand about how it was going to work, it was clear that I would not get to keep most of my cervix. My grandmother told me she was sorry they didn't take hers in the first place because she ended up needing a second surgery to remove her cervix after bleeding continued after the first surgery. I don't really miss mine.

I still have my ovaries, so I still ovulate and I still have a cycle (and I still have pain that I suspect is coming from one of them that I'm getting checked out later this week), but I don't get my period. I don't take any hormones or iron pills (whoohoo!) and there are no side effects that matter to me. I don't feel a hole where my uterus used to be. My organs haven't shifted into new places and my body feels good. I do have more energy in general now because for the first time in years I'm no longer anemic. I don't feel less creative or less of a woman or anything like that. I wasn't that clear before the surgery but I'm clear now that I won't have anymore children, which is really fine with me. 

As I wrote in a previous post, I can wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or white clothes, or go for long walks and bike rides, take car trips and plane rides and not have to worry if I'm going to bleed through in a horrific spectacle.

I looked into the alternatives. I considered what there was available. I think we as a society have to do a better job of understanding what causes fibroid tumours and how to reduce them in some way other than cutting them out. Given what we have available right now, I'm grateful for that option. Although I think it is somehow distasteful to have had a hysterectomy socially, there's still a stigma attached to it, I am grateful that I had the surgery.

Women who are younger who are still planning on having children have other things to consider. Women who are closer to menopause could possibly wait just a few more years and the fibroids and bleeding will stop on their own. But if you're reading this in your 40's and you're faced with the recommendation from your doctor that you have one, I would suggest doing it sooner rather than later.

On the Other Side

It's all over. I'm on the mend. I made it to the other side. Nothing bad happened. It all went as planned and I'm healing. My impression of what happened in the hospital is that the surgery team was tight and focused and the recovery group was less directed, but it's all over and I'm fine. I had the operation later on Tuesday than planned because the operating room was running behind. I was in the recovery area by 4, had visitors by 6:30, spent the night and was gone by 7 am Wednesday morning. Slept most of Wednesday, hobbled around on Thursday and ventured out for real outings by Saturday. I opted out of the narcotics when I went home and got by on Tylenol and Advil and halved that the other day. I could probably even drive but I'm not doing that just yet for the sake of it.

I attribute the speedy healing to me being in relatively good health and knowing how to relax. On top of it, a week before the surgery I started listening to a recording to prepare me for surgery on the advice of someone who had recently been there. I think it really worked! I took it with me to the hospital and at one point in the surgical day care unit some of the nurses asked me if I was meditating because my vitals were doing something unusual. Not sure what it was, but they did ask.

Here's what I used - it cost $20, which seemed high for an iTunes download, but it was money well-spent in my experience.

Tomorrow's the Day

It's been quite a roller coaster. At the time of me writing this, I'm feeling really quite fine, not even nervous. Earlier today I was super-sad, feeling a sense of loss about having a hysterectomy and thinking maybe I'd change my mind. "Wait! I want to have another baby!" "What do you mean I'll never nurse another baby?" and things like that. I sobbed. It really isn't too late. I could change my mind. But I'm not going to. As much as I love kids and I think I'm a great mom, I LOVE being a mom, I'm not going to do it again.

So then I'd think about the "freedom" I'll have when I'm not all bleeding and tired and awkward and that would make me feel a bit better but then I went to, "what if something goes wrong?" "What if they sew my vagina too short and I'll never be able to enjoy sex again?" "What if my libido never returns like those other women said?" And that freaked me out so I took a half an Ativan. That made all of those thoughts disappear.

I decided to stay busy and moved all of my later-in-the-week clients to today and that worked out well. As I led my yoga classes this afternoon, I breathed into myself as I always do and this time the breathing felt the same as it always did except that there was this feeling of new conditions. Last day of the uterus. Last day before going on a big trip of surgery including a night in the hospital. I got home and my daughter said the hospital called and I am expected at 10:45 in the morning. Great! I'll skip the traffic and freezing rain warnings and even be able to sleep in if I can.

Yesterday as I was in Yoga Teacher Training I almost blurted out - "today's the second last day of me having my uterus!" But of course, I didn't say that. I woke up this morning thinking, "today's the last day with my uterus - what should I do?"

That reminded me that I'd like to see it. I haven't asked yet if they'll let me look at it because I figure the answer will be a creepy no. But tomorrow I'll ask and maybe they'll let me look at it. My uterus. My womb. My daughter's home. I kept my daughter's placenta for ages in the freezer so I wouldn't put it past me to at least take a good look at this other organ. But hospitals aren't designed for that. Viewing of the tissues. I'm going to see what they say...

One other thing. Today's the last day of my uterus but you know what? It's also the last day of having fibroids. Yay!

Back to Bikram

When I first came to Ottawa and wanted to go to yoga classes, I wanted something predictable. I didn't want to hear a new yoga teacher's spiritual take on life or try fancy poses, I wanted something comfortable and known. So I went to Bikram Yoga, as I had learned it back when I lived at Kripalu when Bikram himself came all the way from California to teach us. It helped that the classes in Ottawa were often taught by my old ashram brother, Luc.

Over the years I've done Bikram on and off. I hate it love it hate it love it if you know what I mean.

Lately I've had some tightness in my shoulder and wrist and I've adjusted my downward dogs and been careful on my hands and knees and I even talked to my trainer about it. "Jamine, you're getting old." Well, that did it. I walked straight into a Bikram class and went to work. My shoulder and wrist are about 90% better after 3 classes last week. That series is so therapeutic and if it doesn't kill you, it will definitely make you feel better.

As for the heat, the medication I'm on is giving me hot flashes, so I'm already there and it doesn't seem to make them worse. I would figure it's actually balancing me except that the stuff I'm on is intentionally unbalancing me so I don't want to mess with that too much. I'm preparing mentally to have surgery in just less than a month and it's probably not a bad idea to prepare physically while I'm at it. I don't want to be stuck with a sore shoulder and unable to move around, so I'll fix it now and hopefully it won't be bothering me afterwards.

Update - health and other things

I really have not been comfortable sharing what's happening in my life, so I shut up. At the same time, I've been encouraging others to keep writing, keep sharing, knowing full well I could be doing that myself. I'm just at a hard spot and it's hard to put it out there.

Healthwise: I was terrified of going on a recent trip to Paris with my daughter due to the situation presented in previous posts. I made the trip manageable by staying in our own place, rather than finding a hostel or place where we'd have to share a bathroom. That made me relax, knowing if I had to get up a lot at night, it would just be my little family I was disturbing. I also made it so we were not traveling around, we just stayed in Paris. That way, if I wasn't feeling particularly mobile, we could just hang out at home for the day or two I'd need.

It turns out that worked out well. I more than survived and was quite comfortable. The other thing that really helped is Paris is full of free, clean, public toilets. And if those aren't available, the local restaurants totally let you use the washroom without feeling ashamed that you're not a customer.

My next hurdle is the upcoming trip down to the States to teach yoga. I'm pleased that my period has arrived early, so perhaps I'll have the bulk of things to manage, let's say, here at home. That's relieving.

So are the herbs helping? They might be. I haven't felt like I wish they'd take my uterus out or anything, but I really have to manage to make it feel that way. My Natural Doctor said it isn't time to have another ultrasound yet because the herbs will need longer to shrink the tumour. So I suppose I'll get another one in the Fall.

Dealing with anemia has raised a challenge for me, which I think I'm really taking on. I was feeling so tired and wiped out and so I slowed everything down, which resulted in more weight on me, less energy, and I don't think that helped. So I have picked the pace back up, returning to my gym and trainer, and dealing with some of the things that were stopping me from running (sore knee) and making sure I'm being more physically active in general. Hopefully this will result in less weight for me to be carrying around, as well as greater energy overall.

Relationshipwise: I haven't been writing about it but I have a boyfriend. He's been around for over six months now and if you've seen me in that time, you've probably met him, because we're together a lot. Maybe it's because I've been burned in the past while I've been blogging and I'm afraid to have to explain it all or maybe I'm just not there yet, but I haven't been talking about him. But just so you know, I have a great boyfriend. He gets along well with my daughter, and we're happy.

Workwise: It's summer and I'm not leading the summer yoga teacher training intensive as I have for the past two years, so I left that space open and I've been having a good time traveling and spending time doing not much. As a result, I have lots less money though, which does freak me out. As an entrepreneur, I need to be spending time finding new work and cultivating clients and stuff, but I haven't been doing that at all. I've been at the beach and in Paris, and really just enjoying myself. Things will pick back up in the Fall I trust.

Practicewise: I've been taking things easy, as I've already mentioned. I'm not meditating as much as I used to - I've been doing other things. Lately my meditation has sometimes taken the form of focusing and working with the fibroid. I'm "allowing it to be there" while I also take steps to have it go away, so there's a bit of a juggle I do internally, trying not to be a hypocrite, but really being present with what's happening in my body. I've been back with my trainer the past two or three months and that feels really good.

There you have it. The update. I won't take so long to do it again.

This is not a blog about Fibroids

This is not a blog about fibroids, but it might be for a little while.

The yoga teacher training group graduated yesterday afternoon. The ceremony was touching, the flowers were gorgeous, and everyone seemed so genuinely happy. The new teachers shared, the guests shared, it was just about the best part of my job. And then I got home and opened a card from the class. I dropped it on the floor and burst into tears.

They'd raised some money for me.

I should have had a clue when I read the little card at the yoga centre. "Get well. Hope you feel better soon. Etc." "But I'm not sick! Hmm. They must have been reading my blog." I was warned to open the big card in private. That was a good thing.

I know I'm still in denial when I consider my reactions. But this morning I woke up fortified and ready to take on Project Shrink Giant Fibroid (and Avoid Surgery). Maybe I'll come up with a better name for it, but for now that's what it will be.

Any hesitations I've had to contacting a natural doctor have been lifted and I already put in a call to one this morning. I've researched natural solutions on the internet and may download an inexpensive ebook on the subject. I won't be afraid to buy supplements. And if I need to do the shots to block my period, I'll have some help paying for that process. So the money already has helped.

I feel all of a sudden super-supported. Not that I was feeling unsupported before, but now I feel really powered by goodwill and the reality that I've been charged with the task of healing my body. Thanks to everybody who's sent me their good wishes - either in person or comments on my blog or even just the positive thoughts. It has made a difference and I'm grateful.

Monday

I've got so much going on, I'm not sure where to start. Let's see. I finished the video I was working on and it looks great. I'll see if I can post it to YouTube and flash it here, or at least a little bit of it to give you the idea.


Remi and I taught Mother-Daughter yoga together on Saturday and it was a hit. I wasn't sure we'd find enough mothers and daughters to have a class, but sure enough, we did and it was really great. We both had colds and/or allergies so Remi's energy especially was down, but we're looking forward to the next one in May, on Mother's Day. Since we did the class Remi's been doing more poses at home (I bought her a new mat) and it was such a great way for us to connect.



I got some energy healing today from someone from here, and I must say, it's really cool. If you're up for some non-invasive energy shifting, check this out.

My Presence Process is going super-well and I feel really grounded and good and I think I'll continue it. The funny thing about it is that I was doing it just over two years ago when I met John. I was at the part where I was watching my life like a movie and I wasn't going to get involved much in my life but I couldn't help it. I met him, we got together, and I stopped the Presence Process! I guess it's time I pick it back up. I've just finished the part I was already at back then and now I'm going on.

My old dog, Zahra, still has puppies for sale. She's not really an old dog, she was never really mine and she's not really selling them herself, but she lived with us for a while and she had puppies at Christmas and my mom is doing a great job raising those three fluff balls, but not a great job of selling them. So if you or someone you know is interested in a healthy, spunky, delightful dog of a rare breed that come from an awesome lineage and a very happy home, let me know. They are Magic, Dawn, and Skylie, and they're a riot. I spent yesterday with them and it's too bad they'll need to get split up but chances are they won't be all adopted together! (This is an old picture of Zahra.)

Amazing Healing Properties

If you look closely at the picture you can still see a little mark by my baby finger knuckle where I burned myself a few weeks ago. It's practically all healed up and I didn't have DO anything. I didn't put balms or salves on it, I didn't chant a special mantra or light a candle, I didn't pray about it or even wish that it would heal. It just did.

I've been using the burn on my hand as an analogy for the burn on my heart and I've learned a lot. First of all, it's not personal. It doesn't mean anything about me that I have a burn. I got burned, that's what happened. And it heals whether I do anything about it or not. Now I realize this isn't always true and somethings benefit from the outside intervention of doctors, or therapists, or medicines, etc., but in this case, I chose to leave it alone. I didn't get medicine for my heart - I was tempted to go get a little "hair of the dog that bit me" but I resisted. I came back to myself and just kept sitting. And I'm pleased to report back that the burn's pretty much gone away. There's a small mark that I can feel inside that shows where the burn was and in a few days or weeks even that will be gone.

Now, it's Eastertime, which is a big holiday (but not for me because I always teach on Easter!) and my daughter was stating her firm belief that there's no god. I don't mind because I have a feeling she's too young to really know either way, god, no god, whatever, it doesn't offend me. It does offend other people and it's kind of amusing to see people react, which is probably why she says it. But the other day I pointed out to her that my hand is healing and I'm not doing it and I reminded her that I can barely get my office cleaned up, how could I possibly have made someone as beautiful as her. I had some help, and you might call that help I got, god. Or Nature, which then would be God for this purpose.

I just went over to her to confirm what she said but she whined because I was interrupting an episode of Hannah Montana. Ooops. Sor-ry.

Healing

About a week ago I burned my hand taking something out of the oven. It got red and it had a blister and that burst and it hurt a bit. And it kept healing. All by itself. It seems like it's healing so fast I can watch it get better. I don't have to do anything to get that sore to heal. I can feel that it's itchy and I don't touch it. I can sense that it's there, and it's a nice reminder that I can heal and how cool the body is.

Same thing with my heart. It's healing. I can feel that it's itchy and I resist the urge to scratch it. Like with my hand, I trust that time and my body will take care of things and I don't have to do anything. I can watch if I want to, but even if I don't watch, it will heal by itself.

From Darkness to Light

And from the unreal to the real...that's where gurus are supposed to take you. I had coffee with my guru, Torsten, this morning and he reminded me of that path that goes from darkness to light, as I was having a personal memory lapse while I tearily drank my coffee.

I'm paraphrasing...

"The suffering is caused by attachment, right? What's the opposite of attachment?"

"Freedom?" I sniffed.

"Yeah. Why don't you be your possibility of freedom?"

"Right. My possibility of freedom..." And I felt better instantly.

You've got to know in the background there's a ton of work that went into even knowing there was a possibility of freedom or a possibility of anything. Those were my Landmark days. Many of them with Torsten.

If I BE free(dom), then attachment isn't there. It's like if a light turns on, the dark goes away. Of course, when the light gets turned off, the dark comes back so it's not a forever thing in case you happen to be wondering why I'm not fixed yet.

This conversation happened over coffee after I met him at the new Astanga Studio opening on Bank St. It's a new place for an old studio, Downtown Yoga, in case you want to check it out. It's opening next week and it's going to be goregous.

I've been lining up Things to Do and People to See so I'm occupied and one of the old people who has reached out to me and has agreed to stop by later this week was at the coffeeshop at the same time! I haven't seen her in 3 years and we just emailed each other this morning about when we're getting together and there she was at the Bridgehead. Life's cool.

R.I.C.E.

Today in yoga teacher training we talked about injuries and scar tissue. While Geoff Outerbridge was talking about scarred and injured tissue in the physical body, I was silently relating it to my own subtle body and how I've got some scar tissue and some inflamed places as well.

He said that to treat acute injuries you should use RICE. Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. I can totally relate that to my current hurt. Rest it - take some space from it like is happening right now. Ice it - use medicine or a long bath or something to soothe it. Compress - hold myself in tight so I don't make any disturbing movements or phone calls. Elevate - listen to inspiring teachings or be with people and get uplifted.

And for scar tissue, the deal is to break it up. Get in there and dig at it. Bust up that tissue so it reforms in the right pattern rather than a haphazard pattern. So I'm doing that too. Looking at the past issues, letting them hurt a bit while I help them to reorganize. And this scar tissue manipulation is usually something you hire a manual therapist for - massage, chiro, physio, whatever. So in this case, I've hired my coach and an old therapist to help me reorganize my subtle tissue.

Geoff said the problem comes when people don't take care of the injury or the scar tissue that forms. If you wait until it's too late, chronic pain can arise and it can be much harder to deal with. I think that applies too to psychic or emotional pain. Gotta deal with it. When you don't take care of injuries or old scar tissue, what happens is you compensate physically and you walk funny or can't do certain poses or get pain in other areas in your body. A shoulder pain could be caused by an old ankle injury, for instance. Same thing with emotional pain.

Today's massive hurt (injury) being in the situation I'm in is probably related to me not dealing with something that happened a long time ago. If I'd been dealing with that, then I wouldn't have allowed this situation to get to the point it's at now. It wouldn't have come up this way. But it did and I see it and I'm taking care of it now so hopefully it won't get re-injured again in the future. He said people get injured picking up a pencil off the floor and think "I shouldn't have picked that up." He said that's not the point - what have you been doing the past decade or two? That's where the problem lies. I see that being true for me in my emotional situation as well.

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And then I found this video and it made me cry again because this is where I was at but I was there by myself.