Teaching with Two

As a yoga teacher, I am normally working solo. I drive to places on my own, teach on my own, plan on my own, interact on my own, debrief in my head, and it's like that. Sometimes I get to co-teach, and that's my favourite. It changes everything when I have a co-teacher.

This year I've had the privilege of having at least 3 co-teachers!

• My daughter led a Mother-Daughter Yoga weekend with me at Omega (our pictures are right there) this summer (and we will be doing it again next year - August 9-11, 2013) and we lead that in September at Rama Lotus for a 90-minute session as well.
• My friend, Virginia Miller, co-led a 3-half-day Shiatsu/Thai Massage/Partner Yoga "dabbler" during Family Week with me (and we hope to do it again next season).
• And the wonderful Kat Mills, who has co-led all sorts of yoga experiences with me over the past few years at Rama Lotus and other places around Ottawa, continues to lead Living Your Yoga modules with me at her house for weeks at a time.

Leading classes with two people doesn't always work out money-wise, which is why a lot of people wouldn't do it. However, when there's enough money, or money's not the issue, leading with someone you work well with is the BEST. 

Having someone to share the responsibility with is nice, but the process of collaboration is special. New ideas form, conversations are ignited, and there's a richness that isn't found when there's one-on-one teaching. There's also the spontaneity of what can happen when there are two teachers that doesn't always happen when there's one.

Tuesday night begins a new session of Living Your Yoga in the Makata Yoga Living Room (Kat's empty house - it's hilarious - she really has no furniture just so groups can take over the floor space). We love teaching the yamas and niyamas together so much that we're doing it again. Why do we love it so much? Partly because we get to collaborate, but it's also about the content and what happens to a group when we examine our lives. Being with people as they look at their lives is a great privilege and a special "space" gets created that is unusual in our everyday lives. So we put our arms around a space and hold it and put people in the middle and bounce them up and down gently and get to be there for the giggles and ahas that happen along the way.

If you're coming to this module of the Yamas and Niyamas, don't bother bringing your yoga mat - you won't be using it. Bring an open mind and a clear head so you can consider some of what yoga has to offer. It's not new or trendy - we're going to use the ancient texts as our references. Whoohoo!

(This video was not made for this blogpost. We were fooling around for a different project...)

Being a Grown Up

I was chatting this morning with an old friend about yoga stuff and he said, "yoga's about being a grown up," and that struck me. Or maybe he said it's about teaching you to be a grown up, but the point is, if you're practising yoga, you'll be more grown up. More responsible. More accountable. More able to handle what happens in life.

I think that's true. If you're really practising yoga, having alignment in your life will matter and it will show up. You will not be violent with others. You will avoid others who are being violent. You'll be more sensitive. (Ahimsa) You will be able to tell the truth and you'll be able to hear someone else tell the truth. You'll recognize truth when you hear it. (Satya). If you've been practising yoga, you should be able to start going through the yamas and niyamas and see that you've steadily been making improvements in those areas. You may be reaping the rewards of having more energy and maybe of being in "the flow."

Asana practice is not enough. Performing a triangle may help you minimally in your life. I think practising asana is a responsible thing to do. Keeping the body healthy and comfortable is just what a responsible householder would do. But it's far from the only thing.

As I said back in February, check out your teachers. If what you want is a good stretch and that's it, yoga classes are a pretty expensive way to do it. If you want to learn life lessons and be taken along the ancient path of life study, you'll want to find people to lead the way who are grown ups themselves. People who know better should do better. And if they don't, they shouldn't be leading the way.

Summer in the City

There's not much to say about it. It's summer in the city. In this city, what it means for me is that I don't have to wear heavy layers when I go out. I can open the door and just go outside without a lot of preparation or fortification. I find that so relaxing and freeing. It takes less time to get places because there's not a lot of prep involved and I can manoeuvre around quite easily.

We are in a bit of a drought here in eastern Ontario, which is probably pretty bad and a sign of global warming and stuff, however, what it has meant for me is that each day has been sunny and dry for over a month. No cold days. No chilly wind. Just nice weather. So I've gone to the beach a lot. I haven't ever known Ottawa as a beach town - but it is! There are even live bands at some of our beaches.

I also decided to make friends with the sun. Without being unreasonable like spending too much time in the sun, I've chosen to not be afraid of the sun and let it kiss my body gently. I've gone to the beach a lot and just read a bit of a book or had a chat with a friend, or just laid on the sand and felt the heat come up through my blanket.

I like to remember that I'm a creature on a planet. This planet with this atmosphere, with my skin colour and age, and I'm just letting the planet hold me. It's turning out to be a great summer.

Big Week - Yoga for Diverse Groups

(Later in the day - I'm adding this picture someone took while I had people in class on the grass. It was a lovely day.)

I'm not sure this will ever happen again. It's sort of like my own personal yoga-teaching harmonic convergence.

This week, starting today, I have the following groups to teach: The Senior Police Administrators, Kids Who've Been Expelled, Prison Guards, and Kids in the Hospital with Eating Disorders. In that order.

Today the police get a whole lecture about stress reduction and some cool tips on how to stay refreshed in their lives. They also get a yoga class, which for most of them, is their very first time. They have to take the class as it's part of their 3-week program.

Tuesday, I have the kids who've been expelled or suspended from school. They are potential clients of the first group, let's say. They are mostly boys, but there are some girls there, too. They range in ages from Grade 7 - Grade 12. They get a yoga class, which is optional for them. It's a varied bunch and a pleasure to teach them. I see these kids regularly.

Wednesday I'm driving to Kingston to visit the big jail where I'll be doing a lecture on stress reduction, similar to what the cops get, for the prison guards and parole officers. It's their assembly and staff BBQ will follow right after my presentation, where I will be using a hand-held mic for the first time as I do my lecture because there are supposed to be over a hundred people coming. No yoga for this group.

Thursday I'm back with the kids at school. They love the long relaxation part but last week we were getting into handstands and headstands, which they seemed to appreciate pre-savasana.

Friday I have a regular group of yoga students who are in the hospital with eating disorders. These kids are in the same range as the expelled kids - 12 - 17. They tend to be mainly girls, although sometimes there are boys in the program. I get the outpatients as well, so I get to see them throughout their program. No handstands for them usually.

It's a full-spectrum set of clients this week for me, not to mention the private students I will see and then my public class on the weekend. For the police and enforcers and expelled kids, there is a lot of commonality and in fact, the profile of criminals and the similarities to police officers' profiles is a discussion in the Senior Police Administrators Course. They know.

What I see is a lot of similarity with everyone. The boys and the girls deal with some of the same issues as each other. Anxiety, stress, family issues, self-esteem, goals, fear, those kinds of things. They tend to express it differently, however. I haven't met the prison guards yet, but from what I understand, they're under a lot of stress in general, but especially right now as jobs are shifting as prisons are closing and wards are opening in other areas.

Anyways, it's a lot of people to see in a week, and a lot of people who are going through big transitions in their lives. It's a privilege to get to be with them while they're in that process and hopefully be able to lend some support and maybe even relief.

I heard this on the radio yesterday and am pleased that he wrapped it all up in this awesome video about stress in our culture.

Visit with My Dad - Metta Meditation

I've led meditation workshops for years now and one of the sample meditation styles we do is a Metta Meditation. In it, we think about different "kinds" of people - totally revered, people we've loved, people we don't know, and people we withhold our love from. I've always said the person could be alive or have passed on already and there's usually someone in the group who shares that they thought about someone, often a parent or a sibling, who has died. I could relate, but not as strongly as I can relate now.

My dad died in January and since then, I've had the opportunity to "visit" with him, especially during the times when I do metta meditation, which isn't all the time, so it seems special. When his face slips into that screen of my mind's eye, it makes me feel happy, and it's a treat to send him metta so that he can feel happy too. It doesn't make me feel sad at all to have him visit at these times because it's so real for me and it counts as a real visit. I feel like I just saw him and smiled with him and was close to him and by opening my heart in that "metta" (lovingkindness) way, I feel really connected to him - maybe even more than I did sometimes when he was alive.

The technique of giving metta to people is usually a short one and yet it is so powerful. I find people can go on such a journey in even 6-8 minutes, it's amazing. The video below talks about what Metta Meditation is or can be.

Don't Be Shy About Your Flexibility

I've been saying it for years and I'm still saying it. "You don't have to be flexible to do yoga." And still people explain to me how they're not flexible enough to come to a yoga class. I try to encourage people as much as I can and then I leave them alone.

It's really okay to be as flexible or as inflexible as you are. That's how you are right now. If you come to class and can't stretch as far as the person next to you in class, so what? I know that it might feel discouraging to some people, but that's really only if you're comparing yourself or feel like there's someplace in the pose you're supposed to be that you're not in already.

On the other hand, there are some naturally (or with practice) super-flexible people who've also asked me if it's okay to be in class doing their extra-bendy expressions of the poses. Of course! If you have to loop around extra to get that same stretch, please do. Sometimes these people can feel left out if the focus is on beginners who aren't naturally flexible.

The trick as a teacher is to support the people who are less flexible so they don't get hurt and so they aren't shy about using props or being as stiff as they are and to encourage the more flexible people to find their stretch and not be shy about being so stretchy.

It's one of the reasons classes have become so specialized. What happens in my experience is we do the same poses in different selections of people who are more similar, but because the people who come have self-selected to be in the group, they have more in common at first glance. Even though we could all just be in one big room doing "yoga," we separate ourselves into beginners and intermediates, power and yin yang, hatha and ashtanga, and then people wonder where they "fit in." For some teachings, it's better to have people there looking for the same thing from the class, and in other scenarios it really doesn't matter.

Yoga is Tricky When it Comes to Eating Disorders

I'll need to say more about this in a future post but here goes. I have been a part of the Eating Disorders Program at the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario for years. I appreciate that they choose to include yoga in their program for people on the path to recovery of eating disorders, however...

If you take a look around at yoga teachers and yoga students it quickly becomes apparent that yoga attracts people with eating disorders. Even some of the hatha yoga practices in recent texts include the practice of purging. (I'll find the reference to one of my books here.) It at leasts shelters people with the idea of "conscious eating" and fasting, making a home for some of the tricky practices that border or straddle disordered eating behaviours.

When one of the students in the Eating Disorders program graduates and says they want to continue a yoga practice, I caution them about continuing with classes on the "outside." Not all yoga classes will be relaxing and non-triggering for people who have been super-concerned with their weight and appearance. Classes that feel more like a work out, classes in mirrored rooms, classes led by teachers who have a BMI below what is considered healthy, and so on, are so prevalent and would do more harm than good for the young people fresh out of rehabilitation that are looking to feel safe in their bodies.

A long time ago I studied yoga in India. As many people who've travelled to India can tell you, sometimes you get really sick there. That happened to me and I was sick for days at one point. I ended up getting house calls from a doctor while I convalesced in a hotel in town, rather than back at the ashram. I had lost a ton of weight and was just under a hundred pounds when I returned to the ashram. I walked in and one of my teachers said, "that's great for your yoga practice!" I thought the guy was crazy, especially when I mentioned that I'd had dysentery and that this was not healthy.

Recently I've been asked to categorize yoga classes by how much effort is involved in the class, like how much you might sweat. Another way I'd like to label them is to consider how much the class has a potential to be triggering or how much it is an "allowing" class.

I think fasting and being aware of hungry signals and ignoring them has a place. I think even all of the "kriyas" or cleansing practices, have a place. I just think it's no surprise that there's a mix-up and that some  people with eating disorders can hide in a yoga (as opposed to yogic) environment.

So while I appreciate the value of having a mirror to see the poses for alignment and having a good work out for those of us who could stand to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight, and watching a thin body at the front of the class show how beautiful the pose can be, I'm painfully aware that there are sometimes people in a class who are there hurting themselves either mentally and/or physically in the class and would  be better served in a different environment.

The photo is taken from this website. 

Good Reasons to Practice Yoga

The other day I asked my class why they come to the yoga class. The first reason that came blurting out was because they wanted to get out of the other class they were in. I thought that was pretty honest. One other guy said he comes because he needs to relax. Fair enough.

As the class wore on, the people who said they were just happy to skip their other classes started messing around a bit, I found myself getting slightly irritated. I even rehearsed saying something like, "don't come back next time if you just want to get out of your other class." I quickly caught myself and remembered the rest of the lesson. It doesn't matter why you come to yoga class, we all get the benefits of the yoga practice.

The people who said that were back in class today and I didn't hold it against them. "Any reason is a good reason to come to yoga," is what my grandpa-guru used to say. Then it occurred to me that maybe the people saying they were coming to class were just taking a break from other things and maybe that's not why they stayed in yoga class or maybe not even why they returned to yoga class. And even if they were just coming without liking it, they were there, getting the benefits of yoga, which is really my mission. For them to get the benefits.

I do know the class numbers are growing. More and more unlikely yogis are showing up and coming back for class. Exams start in a few weeks so yoga classes will be over for the year, but I have a feeling that if we kept going with the classes, the students would keep coming.

Extreme Pranayama

I watched this video yesterday with David Blaine in a TED talk he gave a few years ago. They guy's a modern yogi in my opinion, as I've said before. He's not the kind of yogi I am or aspire to be, but I did get a big hit of inspiration watching this video. Something resonated in his personal journey and how he witnessed his experience as he went through an intense sadhana of holding his breath for just over 17 minutes on live TV.

I also really resonated with his remarks about what was happening for his ex-girlfriend while he was doing this amazing feat. Sometimes we're doing what we think are incredible things and our families and friends are just treating us like we're normal people doing normal things (which most of the time we are!) At the ashram they used to say if you think you're enlightened, just go home for the weekend.

Please Move Your Bodies, People

You may have already seen this video. If you haven't, please watch it. If you have, then stand up and move around for a little bit and then get back to the computer.

I've started showing it at some of the presentations I give because I find it so compelling. It doesn't take a lot to start having the benefits that short walks can give you. People have all sorts of excuses about why they can't get to a yoga class (me too) or why they have no time for the gym, or why they have put on weight or why they can't be any healthier. This video to me shows that there really is something we can all do that will make things at least a bit better, especially if things aren't feeling that great in our bodies.

I don't sit at a desk all day but I work with a lot of people who do. I see people on their yoga mats, and that hour/hour and a half is great, but really what's important is what we are all doing the rest of the days. It's good to stretch but if you're not walking during the day and moving your juices around, the yoga will only do so much.

Please get out for a walk on your lunch break, or after work. Make an excuse to do this simple thing. Your yoga will feel better too!

Well-Behaved Yoga Students

I would have to say that most of the people I lead yoga to are well-behaved. There's usually more disruption from my inner voices when I'm teaching than from any disturbances out in the room while I'm leading a class, to be honest. Sometimes a phone will go off, or somebody farts loudly, or the door opens with an interruption, but usually that doesn't happen and things go as planned. The class starts, it happens, it ends, et voila.

There's one group I teach where it's not usually like that. This group is actually one of my favourite groups to teach as a result, but it doesn't always feel that way at the time. I teach a lot of teens these days and have for the past year. I've written in the past about what it's like to teach a group of people who all know each other. Or what it's like when the class is non-optional (like it's part of their program and they have to do it). The group I'm thinking of all know each other to some degree and some of them are friends. Each of them has the option to not take the class - they choose to come to the class. They say they come because they like the final relaxation. It's a break from their other work they tell me.

Sometimes this group gets a little rowdy though. Rowdy can be okay at times in a yoga class, but at others it seems "wrong" and that brings on the challenge for me. Sometimes another teach pokes their head in the door and sees how it's going, do I need help, does someone need to leave the class? Because this group has a few issues. The kids have all been expelled or suspended from school for a variety of reasons ranging from being violent to doing drugs, you get the picture. They've been kicked out of school for good reason, most of them.

Lots of times the classes go fine. They go even somewhat like the first classes I mentioned. They go as planned, without interruptions. But not usually. Usually I have to move someone's mat to a different spot. Or tell someone to be quiet. Or even, but rarely, just end the class early. Yep. Roll up your mats. We're done. "What about the relaxation?" You blew it. We're not doing that.

Today's class was a challenging one. One where I got to look at my own expectations of a yoga class, of myself as a yoga teacher and of them as students. I didn't kick anybody out, but I came close. After class, the teachers asked me how it went and how a couple of kids did in particular because they've been disallowed from coming to yoga in the past. "They were a pain in the ass," was how I got to respond honestly, "yea, those two." So maybe they'll alternate in the future. One will come one day, the other will come the other day. Maybe.

When we finally get to the final relaxation, I know it matters to them that we're doing yoga together. I know it's hard for them to keep it together and not swear and throw things at each other and blurt out stupid comments and try to make each other laugh and complain about the poses and be totally inappropriate. When I hold their head in my hands in savasana and give them a good "shampoo" and I hear them exhale, I have a small idea of what it took for them to be there and I'm grateful I have the opportunity to share some yoga with them.

(The photo is recent but it's not that group.)

Still Teaching Yoga

I'd like to show one of those graphics that goes Yoga Teacher - what my friends think I do, what I really do - but instead it displays feelings and drama. I think a lot of people think that teaching yoga will be drama-free and that places that offer yoga will somehow be better businesses than others with no politics or gossip in the workplace. You can probably tell where I'm going with this.

We've all got potential for drama in our lives. We all have to interact with others about money and roles and we all have "stuff" that comes up. When people tell me they're surprised to find drama and difficult work issues with the various studios they end up teaching at after YTT graduation, I remind them we're all just people. In fact, I find more "yoga" and more "satsang" among the volunteer computer geek community in Ottawa than in the yoga communities. And those guys don't even know they're doing it. I've found more Karma Yoga being done through a sex shop than in the yoga community.

Things are not always obvious. As a yoga teacher I trained myself to look anyplace and everyplace for lessons, for shapes, for alignment. Just because someone says something is yoga, doesn't make it so. Just because someone advertises something, doesn't mean that's exactly what they're selling. Just because you're trained to be a yoga teacher doesn't mean that's what you're being paid to do or what you ultimately offer. How many yoga classes turn into fitness workouts? How many yoga teachers gossip about each other or their students after class? How many people say one thing and do something else? It happens everywhere. Or more precisely, it for sure happens where you think it wouldn't or shouldn't. And then, there's yoga happening where it wasn't announced, in different hang outs - people practising integrity and alignment - just quietly doing it.

Swami J recently posted on Facebook that most people who think they're doing yoga are actually preparing to do yoga. Here it is...

The first word of yoga sutras is "atha" which means "now", though a particular "now" which implies that one has done the preparation to begin the path and process of yoga. Most people claiming to practice yoga are still in the preparation phase. There is nothing wrong with the preparation phase; it is needed. However, the preparation phase to begin yoga is not, itself, yoga. The preparation phase has become known as "yoga". In our modern times, there is no longer a need for this preparation phase. Now we just say that we are practicing yoga and that's it; whatever we say is yoga is suddenly called yoga.

Yoga Teachers and Power

I read the news this morning with surprise. John Friend admitted having consenting sexual relationships with his staff and students, some of who were married, in addition to some other allegations.

It brings me right back to October 1994 when I was sitting in the Main Chapel at Kripalu listening to my guru admit to similar offences. It was offensive for sure. We knew he was human, but how much of a dog he'd been came to a surprise to many of us. Had he admitted it earlier, had he worked with us to deal with it, if, if, if - well then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But that's not what happened.

A couple of weeks ago in the teacher training program I'm a part of, we talked about how so many of the popular teachers (gurus) fall. They do really bad stuff. Not just small infidelities or thefts, but big-deal, heart-breaking, life-altering actions that bring them down and take the confidence and trust of their followers with them.

It's of course a good reminder to not put people up on pedestals. It seems like the air up there is too thin and their minds go crazy so they behave horribly. Power corrupts. It just does. On a plus side, it gives people a chance to really let go of their teacher in case they weren't doing that on their own. The true teacher is inside - even the power-drunk teachers tell us that - and there's nothing quite like the lies of your beloved teacher to set you spinning off on your own. That doesn't take away the sting of being lied to, however. Someone who's supposed to be practising ahimsa and satya even before they start their asanas - someone who should definitely know better - that kind of betrayal is worse.

John Friend says he hopes his behaviour doesn't take away from the teachings of Anusara Yoga. That's where I have trouble. When I listen to Swami Rama videos, or read Swami Shyam's stuff, it turns me off. If the teachings are true, then why didn't they work on the teachers sharing them? Can't a teacher only take you as far as they've gone themselves? It's a hurdle I always have to cross over when reviewing the teachers who in retrospect were doing really awful things - remembering what these people did doesn't open my heart but the teachings are asking me to. That doesn't feel safe to me. A few summers ago at a meditation retreat at Omega, one of the teachers said that when you're looking for a surgeon to work on your body, you don't really care if he cheated on his wife, but with our spiritual teachers, how they live their personal lives does matter.

I'm not settled either way. I appreciate the teachings, I appreciate these teachers' humanity, I appreciate my own and my friends' humanity as well. However, like having someone working for you who's stealing from you, these guys and what they're offering really may have to go.

Attending a Funeral Today

I knew my dad had cancer and was being treated for it. I didn't know that he was as sick as he was - few people had any idea - even those closest to him. When I got the message that he was pretty sick, I immediately made arrangements to come down and see him. I spoke to him on the phone and told him I was coming. We told each other we loved each other and I had a funny feeling that it might be the last time I talked to him. As he lay in his death bed he told me he felt lucky to have such good friends and family. The big trip down to Kerrville, Texas, to see my dad became a trip to attend his funeral, however, as he passed away the following day.

His funeral is later this afternoon and I'm thinking about what I want to say about him. I wasn't that close with my dad. He left when I was young and moved far away when I was 13. We stayed in touch and had visits every year or two. There was a time when I felt annoyed with how he'd been with me. A few years ago it used to bug me that he'd send me emails with baby animals or angels or good luck wishes or the dreaded How to Keep Your Wife Happy sort of lists. I used to think my dad didn't "get" me, he didn't appreciate me, he was just trying to bug me by sending those impersonal emails. It finally dawned on me that he was thinking of me. He did love me, and that's how he was showing it to me (one of the ways). Everything changed that day. Instead of feeling annoyed by the emails from my dad, I looked forward to them. I shared his sense of humour, I laughed at the jokes he was telling me, and more importantly, I accepted his love the way he was offering it.

The last few years I had with my dad were much lighter. We'd play Scrabulous on Facebook. We'd have phone calls more regularly (especially when I was doing Landmark Education's Introduction Leaders Program). He drove up to visit. That's a long drive, but he did it more than once. He sent birthday checks for Remmy - late, but he'd get it eventually. When he'd visit we'd bowl on the Wii or play real Scrabble. We sat next to each other and did crossword puzzles. We played Yahtzee.

But one of the things I did almost my whole life with my dad was ride in the car. I remember sitting on his lap when I was little and driving. He tried to teach me how to drive standard while I was a teenager on a visit to Calgary (it took me some years to get the hang of it). It's when we were on long drives together that we'd really talk. We couldn't read or play Scrabble while we were driving so we'd have long conversations. I remember that being in the car with my dad was really comfortable. He was a patient, good driver. My dad didn't have road rage and yell at other drivers - and although many people would say my dad was the most non-judgemental person they've ever met, I would say they hadn't really taken a drive with him. But even then he was gentle and patient in his irritation.

My dad traded cars with people and it seemed like he always had more than one car. I know there were times when his driveway seemed full of cars, vans and motorcycles. He went on to become a bus driver for schools, the city, tour busses and for a while, the LRT system in Calgary.

The last time he visited me in Ottawa I was driving him out to visit everybody in my car (which if you know me, you know I absolutely love) and he commented on my driving. He told me he thought I was a really good driver. I left lots of space, signalled when I changed lanes, and he said he felt really comfortable with me in the car. That meant a lot to me coming from him.

So even though he's gone, I know I will still find him on long drives. I'll hear him in corny emails, and feel him when I choose to take a step back and let others go first. His nickname for years was Trudge. He was never in a hurry to get anywhere and honestly took life one day at a time. Some days if you see me trudging along, taking it slower than usual, you may be catching me at a time when I'm connecting with my dad.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to say at the funeral, if I'm going to speak at all. He was a special man who meant a lot to a lot of people down here and there will be many people who will speak if I choose not to. But I think I will share a few words at this occasion, even if it doesn't make sense to anybody else...the funeral's not for a few more hours so I have time to think about it still...

New Beginnings

Happy New Year! And I mean it. I have had a happy new year so far. I hope you have, too.

This year I have a new body. People have come out and just asked me, "what's it like having no uterus?" or "how's it going having a hole where your uterus used to be?" so I figure I'll just answer frankly. So far, so good. To be honest, those questions do take me aback. When I think about what happened to me I get squeamish. I have a copy of the operation report I got from my GP and I can't read it all. It sort of pains me a bit. My breath goes shallow and my throat tightens and then it hurts my ginie.

You can't tell by looking at me that I had an operation recently (3 weeks ago today). Yesterday I went to my first Bikram yoga class. The day before that I went for a short run. My insides didn't fall out. I didn't pass out. And actually, since I had the operation I've had more energy than usual. I skip potential nap times and just wait until bed.

My uterus was the size of a 14-week pregnancy and the fibroids were 6 cm as I recall from previous reports. It must have been quite a handful of stuff but I didn't get a look at what they took out, even though I asked in advance. It seems like that space got filled up with my intestines and other stuff, because my pants fit the same even though technically I should have come out 2 pounds lighter. (I don't have a scale and then there was Christmas, so maybe if I hadn't had a hysterectomy my clothes wouldn't fit by now what with all of those cookies and turkey.)

I keep feeling like my period should be starting soon and then I remember I won't be having one again. And unlike a total hysterectomy where they take out your ovaries as well, I am not going into menopause and I'll still ovulate, but I won't have a period.

I have enough energy to do stuff but I hold back because I remember that I can't see where my surgery happened and I've been warned to take it easy and to let it all heal. Healing requires circulation so I know I'm supposed to be active, but not too active. Rest, but don't stay still for too long. I think I'm doing pretty well with that and having the recovery time coincide with the holidays was helpful so I'm not tempted to overdo it with work and other activities.

I'm not taking iron supplements anymore. No hormones. Nothing special. I do have some aches that may be because of my organs getting into their new positions so I take an Advil now and then, but really, I'm free. I'll be able to walk around Ottawa, which has a notable lack of public restrooms, because things won't be as urgent as they were. I'll be able to ride bike with my daughter in Paris. Wear white pants to yoga! So there's a lot of possibility in my future.

One of the main reasons they recommended I have the surgery is because I'm so young. To go another decade with anemia and the stuff that went with my condition would not have been good. So even though I resisted the news and the descriptions of the treatment, I can honestly say I'm grateful I did the operation. What a great way to start off a new year.

We Could Use Some Blankets

One of the groups I teach yoga to is at a school in town where kids go who've been suspended or expelled. Their principal has been doing yoga for years and when he got this new school he thought yoga would be a great thing for the kids so they could learn to relax and deal with perhaps some anger and anxiety issues as well. So they've got me as their teacher a couple of times a week.

The class for these kids is optional, however, if they come enough times, they'll actually get a gym credit for it. I've gradually gotten more mats for them and recently as it got colder, I brought in some donated blankets. As time goes on in the school year, there are more kids showing up at this school because more kids have been expelled or suspended, and the yoga class gets a bit bigger. At this point, I have more kids than blankets in the yoga class.

By far the best part of the class for these guys is the relaxation at the end. So we don't do a hasty 2-3 minute savasana, we really give 'er and the final relaxation lasts 15 minutes. In addition to the usual lay down at the end of the class, because this is such a small group, I do the leg-jiggle-arm-jiggle-head-scratch thing if they want it (and they do), and then they do a super-sweet savasana.

They know there are only a few blankets so they have a system for who gets the blankets. Seniority definitely comes into play. They work out the rest. I think it would be great if I could get a few more so that everybody had one. If you have any spares, let me know.

On the Other Side

It's all over. I'm on the mend. I made it to the other side. Nothing bad happened. It all went as planned and I'm healing. My impression of what happened in the hospital is that the surgery team was tight and focused and the recovery group was less directed, but it's all over and I'm fine. I had the operation later on Tuesday than planned because the operating room was running behind. I was in the recovery area by 4, had visitors by 6:30, spent the night and was gone by 7 am Wednesday morning. Slept most of Wednesday, hobbled around on Thursday and ventured out for real outings by Saturday. I opted out of the narcotics when I went home and got by on Tylenol and Advil and halved that the other day. I could probably even drive but I'm not doing that just yet for the sake of it.

I attribute the speedy healing to me being in relatively good health and knowing how to relax. On top of it, a week before the surgery I started listening to a recording to prepare me for surgery on the advice of someone who had recently been there. I think it really worked! I took it with me to the hospital and at one point in the surgical day care unit some of the nurses asked me if I was meditating because my vitals were doing something unusual. Not sure what it was, but they did ask.

Here's what I used - it cost $20, which seemed high for an iTunes download, but it was money well-spent in my experience.

Tomorrow's the Day

It's been quite a roller coaster. At the time of me writing this, I'm feeling really quite fine, not even nervous. Earlier today I was super-sad, feeling a sense of loss about having a hysterectomy and thinking maybe I'd change my mind. "Wait! I want to have another baby!" "What do you mean I'll never nurse another baby?" and things like that. I sobbed. It really isn't too late. I could change my mind. But I'm not going to. As much as I love kids and I think I'm a great mom, I LOVE being a mom, I'm not going to do it again.

So then I'd think about the "freedom" I'll have when I'm not all bleeding and tired and awkward and that would make me feel a bit better but then I went to, "what if something goes wrong?" "What if they sew my vagina too short and I'll never be able to enjoy sex again?" "What if my libido never returns like those other women said?" And that freaked me out so I took a half an Ativan. That made all of those thoughts disappear.

I decided to stay busy and moved all of my later-in-the-week clients to today and that worked out well. As I led my yoga classes this afternoon, I breathed into myself as I always do and this time the breathing felt the same as it always did except that there was this feeling of new conditions. Last day of the uterus. Last day before going on a big trip of surgery including a night in the hospital. I got home and my daughter said the hospital called and I am expected at 10:45 in the morning. Great! I'll skip the traffic and freezing rain warnings and even be able to sleep in if I can.

Yesterday as I was in Yoga Teacher Training I almost blurted out - "today's the second last day of me having my uterus!" But of course, I didn't say that. I woke up this morning thinking, "today's the last day with my uterus - what should I do?"

That reminded me that I'd like to see it. I haven't asked yet if they'll let me look at it because I figure the answer will be a creepy no. But tomorrow I'll ask and maybe they'll let me look at it. My uterus. My womb. My daughter's home. I kept my daughter's placenta for ages in the freezer so I wouldn't put it past me to at least take a good look at this other organ. But hospitals aren't designed for that. Viewing of the tissues. I'm going to see what they say...

One other thing. Today's the last day of my uterus but you know what? It's also the last day of having fibroids. Yay!

Living Your Yoga Some More

Last night Kat Mills and I wrapped up our penultimate Living (Your) Yoga session. One of the participants mentioned that she's really enjoying the classes and even though she had something she would normally have stayed home for, she didn't want to miss it that night, which was encouraging to hear. It's our first time running this class and it's great to hear that people like it. We're going to run it again in the new year - it will start January 10 and go for 8 weeks.

When I got home and walked up the few steps to my door, I felt so achy. Even though I said last post that I've gone back to Bikram and it's helping my joints, I guess I'm not doing it enough because my hips just hurt. It turns out that it's one of the side effects of the medication they gave me (Lupron) and it's normal that I'll have sore joints. Someone sent me a tweet that warned me of how toxic that drug is and how the symptoms don't go away afterwards and people are plagued with sore joints, night sweats, and depression for years. Oh well. It was an injection, so I can't undo it or stop taking it.

I just hope that it did the trick and shrank the fibroids enough to get out using what I'll call the "simple method" as opposed to a bigger cut that will be required if the medication didn't work. Even the "simple method" will require an overnight stay in the hospital.

I'm using this as an opportunity to surrender. Just like getting in a plane and going on a trip, which really scares me - I'm going to go on this flight of surgery and participate in our culture - and this is important to me. So I'll give up control; I'll trust the training the doctor has and listen to people who say he has a good reputation and others who've had the surgery who are really happy they did. Big breath.

Back to Bikram

When I first came to Ottawa and wanted to go to yoga classes, I wanted something predictable. I didn't want to hear a new yoga teacher's spiritual take on life or try fancy poses, I wanted something comfortable and known. So I went to Bikram Yoga, as I had learned it back when I lived at Kripalu when Bikram himself came all the way from California to teach us. It helped that the classes in Ottawa were often taught by my old ashram brother, Luc.

Over the years I've done Bikram on and off. I hate it love it hate it love it if you know what I mean.

Lately I've had some tightness in my shoulder and wrist and I've adjusted my downward dogs and been careful on my hands and knees and I even talked to my trainer about it. "Jamine, you're getting old." Well, that did it. I walked straight into a Bikram class and went to work. My shoulder and wrist are about 90% better after 3 classes last week. That series is so therapeutic and if it doesn't kill you, it will definitely make you feel better.

As for the heat, the medication I'm on is giving me hot flashes, so I'm already there and it doesn't seem to make them worse. I would figure it's actually balancing me except that the stuff I'm on is intentionally unbalancing me so I don't want to mess with that too much. I'm preparing mentally to have surgery in just less than a month and it's probably not a bad idea to prepare physically while I'm at it. I don't want to be stuck with a sore shoulder and unable to move around, so I'll fix it now and hopefully it won't be bothering me afterwards.