Taking a Break

I was thinking this morning that what I really need is a break. And normally when I think I need a break I peruse the vacation sites, the ones that have Ottawa as a departure city and direct flights to warm places that aren't too far away. Ones where when you get there they feed you and water you and you just show up. But as Jon Kabat-Zinn would say, "wherever you go, there you are," and I know that going to a place like that wouldn't be the kind of break I need.

This morning I was perusing the Landmark Education site considering different dates and where the next Forum is happening so I can go and just get a giant mental break. When I did the Forum before I felt so free and unstressed when I got out of there. I felt unafraid and powerful. The knot in my stomach went away and I slept like a baby when I got home. That's the kind of relief I want, the kind of break I'm looking for. I know there are other ways to get it and I could meditate here and be fine. But doing the Landmark Forum is a huge boost and could use a super-charge for my internal battery right now.

My closest centre is Montreal, but they just had one and the next one isn't until March and I'm teaching that weekend already. Plus I want a break NOW! So I see I could go down to NYC, a centre I love, but it costs a ton to stay there and is a big drive to get to. I'd do it though. Then there's TO. Ahh. I have friends in TO, maybe they'd let me crash at their place so I could do it in that town. I'll look into it.

Right thinking is an important component of any spiritual path. When I'm doing wrong thinking, I go down roads thinking they're the path to fulfillment or satisfaction when obviously to an outsider they're not, but I continue going there anyways under some false impressions. Right thinking helps me to see what's really going on and make adjustments from a conscious place. Doing the Landmark Forum totally gets me into right thinking mode and I know will do the trick for a while.

Comic Relief

Taking a break from my inner-life work out...

This site made me laugh. (www.cutethingsfallingasleep.org)

Long Flights and Long Goodbyes

Long flights and relationship break ups have a lot in common for me. And to be fair I shouldn't say "break up" because I could still just be in a rough patch. My facebook status hasn't changed or anything, so perhaps I'm being dramatic and I could just say "relationship difficulties."

I've already given this one a flying metaphor as I said I felt like I was waiting at the gate to get on a flight I didn't want to take. Using that same analogy, now I'm on the flight, and it's a long one. I've been on a few long flights in my life and they're intense. There's take off and landing and turbulence and people and stuff and meals and movies and thoughts of death and what I'm doing with my life and all of that. Oh yea, and there's trying to get some sleep! When I'm having "relationship difficulties," which in the past have always resulted in break ups, I have that same tight feeling as when I'm in the air. The same reflection on my life and also the awareness of my death and how fragile my life is.

I stopped making that process in flight wrong years ago. I looked at it as an opportunity to clarify some things and to just use that heightened awareness to bring me to another place in my life. Same thing with break ups, I mean relationship malfunctions. I use them to clarify things. To clean up dark areas, to dust out the regions of my personality that cling. Long flights and relationship bumps both give me a chance to be in a temporarily intense space to focus my mind and look at some issues with a magnifying glass. Neither are ever comfortable for me - but they both serve big purposes. They get me to new or other places.

So I'm looking. I'm seeing. I'm breathing and I know the flight will be over soon and then I'll be back on the ground and things will be normal again. In the meantime I notice every bump in the air, every slight turn, listen carefully to every word from the pilot, I watch the little map that shows me how long I've got left to go and just where in the world we are, and then I look forward to landing.

I Haven't Been Here Before (Now is the Time for Yoga)

I have always moved around. And when a relationship ended, a simple geographical rearrangement meant breaking up was actually relatively easy. And what we're about to try in this transition wasn't ever really possible before because I would just leave town in the past and now I'm not doing that.

So the new arrangement is supposed to be that John, my "partner," is going to move out and I guess we're downgrading our status to "boyfriend/girlfriend," until further notice. I haven't tried this one before - move out and still see each other. We just need space apparently and this is a way to get some space and then see if we can regroup and make it better.

I think it might just be the beginning of a long goodbye, but I'm open and will be fully participating in "making it work." I feel angry and totally rejected and sad and miserable and did I mention really, really sad? And I also don't want this in my house anymore and so I'm optimistic and willing and loving and patient and supportive. But I'm nervous and realistic and optimistic and detached and again, really, really sad.

This morning we were all lying in bed and I was aware that this might be the last time it was me in the middle. And maybe not. Maybe we'll "work it out" and I'll have a family again. I'm preparing myself that it might not happen and clearing out my future of images I've had. I told John this is messing with my future, and it's true. It is making me wipe the slate that I had put drawings on that were just drawings anyhow. That plan is not what we're working from now and there's nothing in the future, just "wait and see what happens."

Last night I listened to a quick clip from Werner Erhard and it made a lot of sense. He says we all make the mistake of thinking a relationship is going to make us happy when what we need to do is be happy and then have the relationship be an expression of our happiness. And Tony De Mello writes that basically all of the things we think are loving in relationships are our attachments and that we're not really experiencing love when we cling and label and all of that, that true happiness comes for no reason at all.

Getting Clear

The picture is getting more clear and I'm feeling a lot better as things clear up! As my buddy Anthony De Mello says, "reality is always manageable," or something like that.

I've been pretending for a long time that things were okay with me when they weren't. And I didn't want to listen to my "inner voice." My inner voice doesn't usually suggest things to me that are convenient. She will tell me things that sometimes disrupt situations and make me choose different directions. Of course, she's always right, however, I pretend like she's not and I go on in my life like a sort of impostor.

I pretend that it's not bothering me, but it is bothering me. I pretend that I'm in a good situation, but I'm not. And that disconnect is life-sucking. When I pretend that I'm okay when I'm not, I'm doing damage to myself.

There's a way high-up place where the perspective is "it's all good." But that's not where I live. I live on the ground in the weather, in a house, with a kid, where I'm actually impacted by what happens. The universal, global view of "it's all good," is true, it's just that living at that altitude isn't appropriate for improving the conditions in this house on this planet at this time. It's nice to have that in the back of my mind, like zooming way out and seeing that nothing really matters and it's all okay. Then zoom back in and see that a good way to drive a car is to move it forwards, not to drive around backwards looking through the rear view mirror. It can be done, but it's not efficient.

So it's like being at a certain depth or frequency. They all exist, but there's a level or place where I live and at that place if I pretend that I'm not there when really I am, things don't work.

Anyways, blah blah blah, it looks like we're breaking up but it will take a while to get things sorted out. I'm ready to let it go knowing that I can't pretend these things aren't important to me when really they are. Letting go of my values in order to have a warm body around isn't worth it. He knows, I know, we're still talking it all out and it's really inconvenient to make a move, but it beats the life-sucking alternative.

Up All Night

I have been up all night a few times in my life - usually because I was having so much fun. I didn't mind the consequences then. Last night I stayed up all night alone mulling over my life and specifically my relationship, which I determined must be over and I'm concerned about having to teach yoga all day.

Just a little while ago (like an hour ago) I heard some of those things people say in movies, things I'm not used to hearing. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I'll make it up to you. Give me a week to prove it to you."

I want so badly for it to work out. I want so much for me to have been right in my choice of partner. I'm listening to Christian Carter's How to Catch a Man and Keep Him CDs, which reminds me that what's attractive is to just be yourself, which is what I need to do in any case. I'm listening to classic John Gray tapes, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, and reminding myself that men are like rubber bands and need to stretch out and that it's okay to let them go. I'm breathing into the sensations in my belly and wondering if I'm being duped. If I'm being a total loser and an idiot. If I have what it takes to be in a successful relationship. If I'll ever heal the wounds of my past. If the fear of being abandoned and rejected again will ever really go away. If I'll ever be able to just relax in this one.

I recognize where I'm in reaction and being clingy and needy. I notice how my love is conditional and how I want something in exchange, which really makes it not love at all. I see my daughter being affected by what I do as well as what I don't do, and that scares me because I so badly want her to have a good growing-up time, a time that is swiftly coming to a close.

I see that I want a relationship not only for "good reasons." I don't like being alone. I don't want to go to bed by myself. I want someone around who likes me. I know it's not going to "make me happy" to have my partner behave the way I want him to but I want to try.

And I know that for it to work, it has to be workable. And up until 6 am, this has not been workable. So I'll give it a week. I'll give him a week. He said he'll smarten up and show me that he loves me. God, I sound so typical? stereotypical? predictable? in denial? It doesn't sound good, at any rate. I don't like what I'm hearing myself say. He says it was a turning point. He had a realization. He doesn't want to lose me.

I've never made it past here before. It always ended. I want to see what's on the other side. I mean, many couples who are "successful" have had times where they thought it was over. The Obamas even had some rocky times, right?

Waiting at the Gate

Whenever I fly, I get this sort of sick, excited feeling in my body. I don't like the feeling. I really don't like to fly because I have to go through that feeling every time I do it - that sort of waiting at the gate feeling, waiting for the plane to take off and find out we're okay in the air. I know it's not rational, but it's how I feel when I'm taking a trip by air. It doesn't stop me from taking trips, as you know, but it is a yucky part of it.

That's how I feel this morning. It's like I'm waiting at the gate and I'm getting on a plane. I'm going on a trip but this isn't one I'm looking forward to so much. Maybe it's more of a business trip feeling. I'm dreading it. But it's too late, I'm going. I don't want to go, but I'm going. I'm not sure where this trip is taking me. I still don't know if I'm going to wind up single soon, or back to living by myself with a boyfriend on the outside, or just back where I was with John before all of this happened, except in a newer, fresher place.

If I was able to get up into something like a traffic helicopter and get a good view of the situation, I'm sure I could see this from a less emotional perspective and see how there are clogged areas that will be freed up soon and that there are other roads that are flowing smoothly. But I'm not. I'm in the car on the road in a traffic jam, not knowing how long I'm going to be asked to sit here. I do know though, that I won't be in this place forever. The traffic will move along eventually and I'll be on my way. I just don't know to where.

Back to the waiting at the gate feeling - what I do when I'm really going on a trip is I distract myself and I breathe deeply. If I'm on a plane and I get that feeling, I get out of my seat and I look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and just start to feel normal. If I'm on the ground before the flight, I chat with my travel companion or I get on the phone with my friends and just deal with the time until the departure. I could use some of that action now. Just breathe deeply, don't dwell on it, call my friends, read the paper, get back to work, things like that. Feel normal. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

Update

I haven't been updating my blog lately because things have been really hard in my life right now and I'm sad and depleted and worried about the future, so anything I really wanted to say wasn't going to make it into the blog.

The relationship I'm in is having a big breakdown at the moment and things at home are not good. And I know that the good times in a relationship are temporary, and so are the bad times, so this may not mean that it's always going to be this way, but it might, and that sucks.

I started this blog almost exactly 2 years ago to deal with what was coming up as I was in the process of finding a partner. I met him and quietened the conversation about relationships, even though I would always privately have had something to say about it. And now even though I'd love to present my case on my blog for why I'm being hard done by and present evidence for your consideration, I know that that wouldn't be right and I'm not going to do it.

So just know that I'm having a hard time. I may be breaking up with my boyfriend/partner and I'm really sad. I'm open to it working out, however, the signs are mixed and actually are pointing in the other direction.

I'm using all my tools of breathing, forgiving, meditating, and they're helping, but not sparing me from the pain that goes with being attached to an outcome that isn't happening. I want something that I don't have and I have something that I don't want and I'm caught up in that. And I may also just be in an incompatible relationship that was doomed from the beginning.

I may be in a great relationship going through a rough period or I may be in a relationship that's about to end - it's not obvious to me at the moment. In any case, I'm totally impacted by it. In some moments I rise above it, looking at the weather on the ground from my higher seat of consciousness, and in other moments, I'm in the storms and blizzards happening and trying to make my way home.

Happy New Year!

I had a fairly uneventful New Year's Eve. I think in the future I'm going to make plans to be someplace warm for both Christmas and New Year's Eves. Just blast out of here and come back when it's all over.

On another note, Zahra's puppies are now watchable via puppycam 24/7. They still don't have their eyes open yet and they don't really walk yet, but they "swim," and they're extra cute. Zahra's taking more time away from them for herself now but she's with them a lot and it's so neat to watch. The pups are all vigorous nursers and she handles it all very gracefully.

Again on another note, the end of the year is a time to let go. Yoga is about letting go. Exhaling is about letting go. And as I was teaching earlier this week, I was sharing with people about using the exhale to let go of what we don't need. Our culture right now is suffering the consequences of holding on too much and not letting go. But one of the ways to take a deeper inhalation is to simply make a bigger exhalation. So too in life. Let go more completely and your life will be filled with more fun, more joy, more life. But it's hard to for us to let go. It's scary, it's against common thinking, it seems strange. The thing is, it works.

Try it! Let go of something and see what happens. Chances are there won't be a void for long. That space will get filled up real quick. Exhale, let go, and the inhalation be bigger.

Here's the puppycam.

I Did Not Escape Unscathed

There I was, almost a week ago (ha!), writing as though I was some how going to be able to ride out the wave of Christmas and just observe as the boats all around me were bobbing in the swelling sea of emotions and concerns. I must admit, I was impressed that I had made it to the 23rd of December, no less, without an injury, without symptoms of the stress of the season. That was the calm before the storm, my friends, the calm before the storm...

I was on the right track and it appeared that I had what it takes to make it through the holidays without emotional outbursts and displays of intense feeling. However, this was not the year for me. I have lived to tell the tale and that is the redeeming feature of this little story. But that's where the good part ends.

I will not even go into the details of the nightmare that was my Christmas with family because we've all been there, we've all had those scenes, those ways we've been that we regret, things we've said we wish we could take back, and those promises we've made about how it's not going to go like that again. And I can add on a positive note that all of my relationships are intact and I'm on great terms with my family, where really very little of this drama unfolded. I saved most of the good stuff for my partner and our private little hell we call home. And we're also okay and even good. But it wasn't fun or easy, those few days.

One of the things I got for Christmas was one of Anthony de Mello's books, Awareness. I've been listening to him on youtube all morning. It restores my balance, my understanding, my forgiveness for myself and the others around me. His words give me strength to carry on, oh yes they do.

The main thrust of his message is the same thing the Buddha says, who he says is the one that put it the easiest, but that all of the great teachers said basically this...

"The world is full of sorrow. The root of sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness."

And of course, he goes on. But there's the message. If I'm upset it's because it's not going my way and my way is the thing I'm attached to. Just drop it. Okay, okay.

It's So Predictable

Christmas time is hard for so many people and having "break downs" around this time are predictable. So while I was at CHEO yesterday (I teach yoga in the eating disorders program) and I saw someone who had graduated from the inpatient program (too sick to go home) to the day program (living at home but come to the hospital to do program and school work) but was back on the inpatient side I did a double-take. "Wait a second, you were in the day program, what are you doing on the inpatient side," was what I thought in my head and then it occurred to me, "it's Christmastime."

During my two minute break between classes I checked in with my former husband about picking Remi up and some other stuff and he was just losing it on the phone. I took a breath and reminded myself, "it's Christmas." I know it's not personal at the moment. Everybody's having a hard time.

When I got upstairs to do the inpatients group right after my little break, I got another surprise of two former eating disorder program graduates who had wound up right back where they started, although one of them said she knew she'd just be there temporarily. "For a tune up," I suggested.

Some weeks ago the hospital called me to tell me they probably wouldn't be needing yoga classes on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve this year - things were pretty quiet and most of the kids would be going home for the holidays. As we agreed yesterday, I'll be back on Wednesday seeing as how when we made that decision, things were different. We didn't know who would wind up being back in the program, needing some support.

----

As for me, I just know now that things are going to be tougher. There's just more turbulence right now, but the plane's still going on its trip. Or the waves are choppier, or however you want to look at it. But I'm aware that it's happening and it really makes it much more okay. Plus, nothing was going to be as bad as this past November was and I'm over that now, so bring on the Christmas holidays! Bring on family, bring on siblings! Bring on in-laws and former spouses! I'm totally ready. I've got my breath, I've got my witness consciousness, and I think I might have some Bailey's around here someplace...

Last Day of School

It's Remi's last day of school and she's been counting it down for days. "In a couple of days I'll be able to say, 'tomorrow is my last day of school.'" And then last night, "tomorrow is my last day of school." She got up at 6 am this morning. Six o'clock in the morning, that's how excited she was that today is the last day of school. "Today's the last day of school." She was dressed, she made her OWN lunch, and was out the door early. Oh, and happy. Wha?

In my training at Landmark Education I learned that it's not the past that makes you who you are in the present, but rather the future you're living into. I see my daughter do that all the time. When she creates a powerful future for herself, she pulls herself towards it, or perhaps she lets it pull her. She has energy, she moves effortlessly towards her goal. It's something to watch.

I need to create a future of a tidier home today. I'm sitting in a pile of wrapping paper and juice boxes, newspapers and bills, winter boots and puddles on the floor.

I've been reading about people forgoing Christmas this year and not having presents and less stuff and all of that. And I'm so loving buying gifts for my family, especially things they need and have requested. I loved wrapping gifts for my next door neighbours and giving them to them yesterday. I found out this morning they couldn't wait and had to rip open a bit of the paper to see what was inside. (My Little Pony is a huge hit next door.) I have a lot of fun at this time of year. It wasn't always like that, but lately I've really enjoyed finding the right gift and putting some thought into its purchase and wrapping. Remi made soap for everybody and that was fun!

I was thinking of making a cookie cutter that was yoga-related and then doing cookies for everybody in my class but I didn't do that. I guess there's still time, but it's not going to happen. There are always things on my list that don't get done, but at least there are a bunch of things that get crossed off too. It feels good.

Helping out the Economy

I'm doing my best to keep our economy going - both the big companies and the little guys as well.

Today I did a total impulse purchase of what I believe may be the best Christmas present ever so far for my daughter and it wasn't cheap. I bought her cross-country skis - shh, don't tell her yet. And I knew that if I bought her skis, I'd probably buy myself some skis too because she's only 10 and that's too young for me to drop her off and leave her to ski by herself.

I called Tamsin to find out the place to go for skis because I really don't know anything about skis. She suggested I check out Fresh Air, MEC or Trailhead. I ended up going to Fresh Air because. I don't know. Just 'cause.

And I go to the back and ask for some help and of course, wouldn't you know it, I'm the guy's yoga teacher but I don't really notice at first. He said he figured I'd be the best ski try-er on-er his had because my balance must be good, which it was, so at least there was that. He even knew Remi's dad because he's taken classes with him too. So at least he knew that Remi was skinny and had an idea of what kind of skis to get for her. We had to make it up because she wasn't with me because this is all going to be a surprise because she's still suggesting she believes in Santa Claus and I don't want to be the one to blow it.

But c'mon. She's 10. John figures she's just saying she still believes because if she admits she knows then the presents will stop. That's what his niece did at any rate.

So I've got the perfect Santa gift, which in our tradition includes the gift being somewhat major, and it's unwrapped and is the first thing that gets seen on Christmas morning (plus the stocking). I'll tell you more about our traditions later, but for now I've got the situation being that my parents are in Constance Bay and that's far. The skis won't fit in the car with Remi without her knowing about them, which means there has to be a separate trip to my parents without Remi. And I'm not sleeping over (read an earlier post), so someone there will have to be trustworthy enough (and I believe they are) to set up the skis so it looks like a valid Santa gift.

Then what about my skis? Santa gave her those too? At this point she's the only one who gets a Santa gift. Santa all of a sudden starts giving adults presents but just her mom? I don't know. I'll have to make something up.

Anyways my next class starts in just over an hour and we still have a bus strike plus it's rush hour so I've got to give myself at least 45 minutes to do a normally 10 minute drive or I've got to hoof it, which means go in 10 mins. Bye.

Tightness in the Fast Lanes

Wow. This combination of OC Transpo Strike Pose with Seasonal Weather Pose (with the variation of Uncleared Roads) all while doing Christmas Shopping Pranayama has me noticing the tightness in my Fast Lanes.

Good thing gas got cheap.

Anyways, I feel bad for people trying to make a living by people coming out to support them - hey wait, that's me too. If people don't come to class I don't get paid, so this is lousy for my Christmas planning too. Nevermind, I'm diversified and have some classes that are flat rate so I don't have to worry about numbers of students, just about getting myself to class, which is definitely something to consider given this new set of circumstances.

But they're just circumstances and I'll be in class, don't you worry.

Good thing I like my new car so I really don't mind spending extra time in it. I have seat warmers too, so it's not that bad ;)

Winter Tires

I did it. I bought winter tires for the car and I actually got them on the car. Whew. In the past with the Echo, I just drove through all seasons on my all season tires. Then I shifted my mentality from surviving to thriving and bought a new car. I have to say I'm slightly back into the surviving mode as everything that has happened since I bought that car has been an economic back slide and "survival mode" is all around me. It's tough to try and be in "thriving mode" at the moment.

But I'm doing it. At first I resisted. When the dealer told me I could get a winter package for 900 bucks that would be tires, rims, and they'd store them for me I told them in my mind to go take a hike. I didn't anticipate the situation with Quebec making winter tires mandatory by next week and how that would impact Ontario tire supplies. I didn't foresee our dollar dropping like crazy, which before had me imagining driving down to the States to buy tires.

So when I called Canadian Tire on Saturday night and found out they had 4 rims that would fit my car but I'd have to get myself to Barrhaven, I put my pedal to the metal and hightailed it to the 'burbs to get me some rims. They banged around in the back for the weekend. I'd heard about some tires that would fit my car on Friday. He thought he could get them. Maybe by Monday or Tuesday.

Today everything went like clockwork as I pulled in on time at my dealer to have the first oil change and inspection (I actually bought a used car as you may recall so the service came quickly). I settled down to wait for the shuttle and then changed my mind. I told them I'd wait for the car rather than sit in a snowstorm on the shuttle. I got back to marking some more Yoga Teacher Training exams when they called my name. My car was ready!

I called my new tire friend to see if he could meet me early and wouldn't you know it? I had winter boots on my car and an oil change before 11 am. I still have a few papers left to mark, they could have taken more time!

Driving today with winter tires feels less like thriving than just plain being responsible. Cars ahead of me were swerving and sliding and I was kicking along throwing up snow behind me as I plowed through the streets of Ottawa. It feels good and safe. I realize that's a state of mind as we never know what's going to happen. Lots of unsafe things happen even when we've taken precautions. But sometimes I have to live by that old saying I use frequently, "trust in God but tie up your camel."

Not Yoga

Okay, so this is definitely not about yoga. I don't think.

Here's a gun specifically meant to be fired by people who are handicapped by arthritis or muscular dystrophy or other things. The article says "it's both a medical device and a firearm," and will conceivably be covered under people's prescription plans because it's being considered a Class 1 Medical Device by the FDA.

Ahmisa means non-violence. I guess this means that now everyone in the United States can practice Himsa if they want to. Forget about the Palm Pilot, here comes the Palm Pistol.

The world really is going to hell in a handbasket. I'd better read yesterday's posting again.

Happiness is Contagious

Yep, it's finally been scientifically verified. How you behave has a significant impact on others around you. And the people around you have an influence on you too. I heard it on the news on Friday - maybe it was an effort on the CBC's part to present some good news for a change - and the gist is that happiness is contagious. You can catch it from someone being happy around you.

What I like about this article is that they get that it implies personal responsibility. The mood you are in has a profound impact on your kids but not just on your kids, it might have an effect on your kids' friends' moods. It impacts not just those you know, but even those you don't.

So being happy could be a discipline that you choose. When you notice you're not happy, choose to be happy. Sort out what needs to be sorted out and take care of what you need to because sometimes being not happy is a signal that something's out of alignment, and then get back into alignment and smile :) It makes a difference.

Keep Your Heart Open

I used to live in a "spiritual community" and I forget sometimes that it's not always like that out in the world. I still keep with me that feeling that I got by living with a group of people practising being conscious, which for me was a positive experience. There was something about being surrounded by good intentions and real experiences of trust and openness that I take for granted in my "normal life" out in the world.

For a while I've been meaning to listen to a bunch of recordings I've hung onto. They're cassette tapes and I've got them in a bag and I resist throwing them out every time I move or do a big cleaning. I recently set up an old stereo that has a tape player as part of it and this morning I listened to an old Kripalu Yoga Teachers talk. It brought back lots of memories as it was recorded as a response to the community about being with struggle, which was happening back in 1994 when things unexpectedly went wild for everybody as it was revealed that the guru had been cheating with money and with women in the community. It was actually much worse than that, but that's the gist.

In this recording, Gayatri read a Bapuji quote about struggle and she sang a song. The quote was long and inspiring and was a reminder that our struggles are there for us to become stronger and that to be born in the Kali Yuga means we're all born as warriors. Our lives from birth to death are made up of struggle and it's through overcoming the struggles that the yogic siddhis appear as results. Basically, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

And then she sang an old classic, "Keep Your Heart Open." It was so Kripalu circa early 90's. "Keep your heart open, remember the love, that we are love, and love is all there is..." I sang along...

We do need more love in our society. Yes, it's there, but it wouldn't be overdoing it to bring a little more loving to the surface, to our daily lives.

I've got an "itis"

I've been wanting to deny it but lately it's been biting me hard. In the thumb, in the shoulder, and in the elbow. I have crackberry thumb. I hold tension in my shoulders. I'm sore!

So here I am typing - bad idea. I need to rest it apparently. Rest my whole arm. Yea, right. Years ago I switched my main computer's mouse to the left side because I'd done too much "clicking" on my right side. That solved it.

But this year when I was doing the Thai Massage course I must have injured my thumb and then my computer and berry use didn't let it heal. I've also been doing sun salutations on a carpeted surface and there's a new thick carpet on the riser in the Earth Room at Rama Lotus, which for sure does not help.

My doctor even gave me a prescription for a massage! I have health benefits now, so I figure I'll use 'em. If I can only find time to make an appointment...

At Least November is Over

Whew! I made it out of November! The last day of November turned out to be one of the best days of the year, so I suppose the whole month may have been worth it.

A stressed out yoga teacher isn't what you want I suppose. Although it's all relative. Add that to the list of things Yoga Teachers are or aren't supposed to be. We're definitely never allowed to be stressed right out. We're not allowed to have injuries but if we do we should for sure heal quickly. Our bodies' magic powers are supposed to be able to kick in so we recover super-fast.

I made plans for Christmas yesterday and that feels so good to have out of the way. My partner and my mother both have their birthdays on December 24. (That tripped my daughter up a while back when she was only 8 - "you mean he's 60 something?") Our old dog, Zahra is pregnant and due around then, my parents moved to Constance Bay, and John's family live in Navan. We considered not seeing my parents on Christmas Day but my daughter made it clear that would not work for her. So we worked out a plan that will include a visit out in Constance Bay Christmas Eve - a brilliant sleep over for John's birthday in Kanata - back to Constance Bay to see my daughter at her grandparents' and then head out to Navan for 3pm on Christmas Day.


I'm excited that a) it's planned at all, b) it's planned weeks in advance, c) there were no tears or yelling, d) it includes something special for me and my honey, not just family duties!

Taking a weekend off was so helpful to my creativity and general demeanor. I'm doing that again soon. Sometime later this month!