Seed Protocol

I'm doing a "seed protocol" to manage my hormones and try and shrink the fibroid tumour that's being scheduled to be surgically removed at the end of the summer or beginning of fall (the earliest appointment available basically). Thanks to the visit to the natural doctor (made possible by the boost from the YTT graduates), I am on a regimen of seeds, tinctures, herbs, and dietary changes that accompany the plan.

I think it's working!

I'm taking flaxseed and pumpkin seeds now and in a week I'll switch to sunflower and sesame seeds.

I don't know if it's really working or not but in the past 10 days I haven't had any pain and I feel pretty good! I want to try everything I can before having a significant organ of mine removed.

Green Bins

In Ottawa we have a green bin program about to start. I've been putting my scraps in the little bin on the counter and then into the big green one out on the porch in anticipation of the program starting up in a couple of weeks.

Just now I heard a noise as I was sitting here rendering my video again for yesterday's post. It sounded like someone was up to something on my porch. I opened my door (I have no fear) and there was someone digging through the big green bin. She had knocked it over and was pulling stuff out. And I'm thinking, "that's going to be a mess to clean up."

I told her that she couldn't be there and she had to leave it and she argued with me, saying she wanted the garbage. I told her she couldn't have the garbage. The shelter should be open in a few minutes for breakfast as far as I understand and she can get a proper meal.

It's something else living in this neighbourhood. I love the composting idea but I was aware that the reality of having food scraps in a bin next to my place would draw some kind of interaction with the neighbourhood. My daughter has already found beer cans and bottles left in the bin.

I hope the program works, but it's going to be a mess to clean up on a regular basis.

Right now we have such abundance. There are fountains everywhere. Fountains of food, fountains of stuff, fountains of homeless people. Seemingly endless supplies of anything we could ever wish for and many things we wouldn't if we stopped to think about it.

Honestly

I started this blog almost three years ago to deal with my "mandate," and I've been reflecting lately about how much I am in the same place I was three years ago. I've travelled around, seen new sights, and circled back to where I started on more than one occasion.

I'm a bit older. I have learned a few new things. But essentially, I feel like I'm in the same place. So I'm probably not. I'm probably further along on my path. I know I've opened up and grown and I'm nicer and deeper and other things. But it feels the same. I know more. I can see bigger pictures. But it feels the same inside. And it's uncomfortable.

And I know now that it's more than normal to feel uncomfortable. And I'm more aware of my discomfort. And that doesn't make the discomfort more comfortable for the most part. I still want things to be different than they are a lot of the time. My own words ring in my ears about how it's important to allow myself to be as I am and that things are going to change. Some of the changes I'll like, some I won't like.

I know that being present with what is, is the way to go. I know that to allow the moment to be as it is, is the healthy, enlightened option. But often I don't feel that way. I want to manage things. I want to change stuff. I want to edit my life. I want to grow in areas I feel weak in. And that's just how I'm feeling.

Sometimes I don't feel that way and I feel grateful and lucky and happy and pleased with my choices. That happens for awhile everyday too. But just like it's that one negative comment on the feedback form that sticks with you, the "what's not working" seems to stay in my brain and repeat itself off and on through my day.

This is What I'm Dealing With

Apparently the balconies (yes, there's more than one) aren't finished yet and there will be a "privacy fence" erected so it won't feel so much like I have an audience when I go to my car or near my window. (That end of the building is home to 110 men.)

More opportunities to breathe and relax! I'm also in conversation with my community, both my condo neighbours and the Shepherds neighbours to see what we can do so we're all happy here in our tight corner of town. We're working it out.

I'm grateful that I live on this side of the fence, although I'm aware that it's a great community on the other side of the fence too. I'm glad to know it's there and I'm glad I'm able to take care of myself and my kid and keep on this side. For now. Some days I wonder if I'll end up on that side, but that's when I'm really in fear mode!

All of the events of late have supported me in being present, in being pushed back to this moment, in being grateful for what I have in my life, and I'm in a new place. Apparently the universe wants us to grow. I'm being stretched for sure and I suppose time will tell if I'm growing or not!