On Second Thought

In my recent post I said I didn't think what I was going through was worth having my uterus taken out but I'm starting to have second thoughts about that as I sit in my home feeling trapped for a couple of days while my period passes. I'd like my freedom back, actually.

The doctor's office called the other day with the date for my surgery. At first they tried to give me a date in September, but that was too close to my presentation for the India Canada Friendship Circle. Then a date early in October, but that was the weekend I am taking my daughter down to the States to review the Forum. How about the 18th. Fine. I half-scheduled it. I just said yes to please the system. I was still thinking I'm going to beat this.

Then I started thinking about what life would be like if I wasn't anemic and hemorrhaging every 3 weeks. That started to make me feel good. I go back and forth. I think, "what if this happened on the weekend I was supposed to be leading my workshop? That would be really distracting and uncomfortable." Then I flip to, "I hardly ever lead that workshop, so is it really worth having major surgery to take your uterus out just so you're not inconvenienced?" That turns into, "but maybe I'm not done having kids and I think I'd really like to have another baby, that might even make the fibroid better," which quickly goes to, "oh who are you kidding? You can't afford to have another baby and you wouldn't really want to you at your age."

The doctor I saw told me this, "if you were my sister, I'd recommend you have this surgery." The other women I know who've had the surgery are all grateful and I have yet to meet someone, although I think they're out there, who regrets it. My mom said, "it's common surgery now. They do it all the time. It's not experimental and the risk of something going wrong is small." She's right. They're right. But I don't want to get cut open and have my womb removed. I just don't!

However, the risks of significant blood loss over time are real and likely given how it's going. Even with the herbs, I'm running around trying to manage this situation. I'd be okay if this part were over. I could adopt if I really want more kids. Maybe I'll be a grandmother soon, who knows. (I use the idea that I'm really okay being a grandma and teenage pregnancy wouldn't be that bad as a deterrent for my 12-year old daughter.) I think it's likely that I'd be someone who would respond well to the surgery, who'd recover quickly, and be back to work within days instead of weeks.

The next step is to go and take the shot, which costs $500 that will shrink the tumour so it can be removed more easily. Once I take that shot my body will be sent into menopause temporarily. See, menopause would take care of this tumour naturally. But menopause for me is a good decade away most likely. If I have the surgery my doctor is prescribing, although I'd lose my uterus, I would keep my ovaries and still ovulate and have a cycle, just without the menstruation part.

I said I'd go in and get the shot when I'm back from Omega in a couple of weeks. They said okay. But I'm supposed to be on that stuff for 3 months before having the surgery and Oct 18 isn't 3 months away. So if I can get up the courage to go in and get the shot in a few weeks I'll be on my way and can reschedule the procedure as needed. Big breath.

Saw the Doctor

If you're just joining me, this post is a continuation of the situation that I described here. I'll jump to the end and back up. I'm going to be scheduled for a hysterectomy late summer, early fall, as soon as they have an appointment.

WTF? Seriously? Me? And I'm supposed to take medication to shrink the fibroid tumour for a minimum of 3 months beforehand. The medication costs just over $500 per month. (I don't have that kind of insurance, so please buy all of my apps and get DVDs for your friends!)

I am still in shock and don't really believe it. Surely it's not that serious and can be handled with herbs and other medications and exercises - maybe there's a yoga pose that will shrink the tumour so I can keep my uterus! I'll visualize the fibroid getting smaller. I'll pray better. And I'll keep the appointment for now.

If I'd had insurance, he would have started me on the period-blocking drug right away. I lose too much iron each month and the drug would put me into menopause right away and help shrink the tumour so it'll come out easier during the operation. He said, "you're 44 and are probably done having kids. If you were 42 or younger we'd do another operation, which is more difficult but we'd try to save your uterus." He's probably right but I'm still surprised that I won't have more kids, nurse another baby and all that. I also am not ready to all of a sudden not have another period.

Having a period is what I identify with as part of being a fertile woman. And we're just going to turn it off and move into a new phase of life just like that? I'm confused. I want more information. I don't want to do it.

I've never had an operation. Never stayed in a hospital. My daughter was a home birth for goodness sake, I'm not about to waltz into an operating room and get a general anesthetic. When (and if) I go, I'll be ready and educated and grateful. Right now I'm not.

He said I need to take the period blocker for 3 months so I have enough energy and iron to make it. Continuing to have the kind of periods I have now will weaken me (totally true) and make the surgery unsafe.

I welcome your stories, suggestions, prayers, understanding during this time...I'm scared and sad and realistic. He placed my hand on my abdomen and showed me clearly where it is - I can feel it for sure with my hand on the outside - and I'm too young to not do anything about it. If I were older and closer to menopause it would likely shrink on its own. Big breath. Here we go...

Familiar Questions

As I was meditating this morning I was struck (okay maybe striking wasn't involved, noticing perhaps), that there's a quality to the discomfort I feel that is always the same, it doesn't seem to change. It's like when I peel back all the other dynamic stuff, there's this base of softness and it's the same. Am I doing the right thing? Will I be loved the way I want to be loved? Will I ever get it together? Am I fulfilling my life's purpose?

And for awhile, and probably for a really long time, I thought there would be answers to those questions, like I'd finally do enough internal research and the answers would appear, guidance would be given, and I would be confidently on my way. The fact that the answers weren't popping out at me just meant I had to work harder, purify more, do more practice, and THEN maybe the answers would show up. Like somehow I just haven't been doing things right and that when I do start behaving properly like a good yoga teacher should, the answers will just be there. The suffering will stop. The pain won't be there anymore.

After allowing the teachings of the past weekend at Omega to sink in and through taking a new peek at this stuff, this morning I'm left with a feeling like those questions are just there. That fear is just there. It's part of my internal landscape, it's part of my being human. There's nothing wrong with me that they're there. I'm not deficient in practice or in internal inquiry. I can allow those questions to be there knowing some days they'll be answered, most days they won't. Having those questions and that underlying discomfort smacks of being human.

One of the topics covered this weekend was about how to overcome that doubt and move into a place of doubtlessness. How to pick ourselves up and trust that the ground of fearlessness is fear itself. The fact that fear or that underlying discomfort is present makes it possible to stand on it and rise up out of it. It's good that it's there. It's useful.

Pemaaaah

I spent the weekend in the presence of Pema Chodron and it was a really special time. Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun, who spends a lot of time in Canada, I've written about a lot this year since I read her book, When Things Fall Apart. She was so real and accessible and the teachings were so practical and down to earth, just like they are in her writings.

I learned a new meditation technique that I hadn't tried before and this one includes having the eyes open. I had the experience during the weekend of it being really easy and effective. I tried it this morning and it was harder! It was hard to do it on my own, to get that same clarity and I was reminded that company is stronger than will power sometimes. It was doable, but yesterday, when she or her assistant, Carolyn Rose Gimian, led the meditation practice it occurred as super-simple. Remembering that it had been simple was useful and encouraged me to stick with the practice this morning even though it wasn't simple at all today.

Smile at Fear is the name of the new book of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche teachings compiled by Carolyn. It is also the theme of the talks Pema gave all weekend. Pema said they considered calling the book "Conquering Fear," or other things, but that "Smiling at Fear," seemed to just get it right. It worked for me!

I'm (potentially) Screwed

First of all, congratulations to those of you who identified me in the picture below. I know it wasn't easy. I'm the third in from the left. Thanks to Milo Jackson, who was a buddy in Grade 8, for posting that picture of me on Facebook a few months ago :)

So I'm not totally screwed yet, but I figure I'm going to be by the time I get back from Montreal on Monday. I'm going to do the Landmark Forum Friday - Sunday and I'm psyched and totally looking forward to it. That's not why I'm going to be screwed. I think I just like saying that, let's hope so...

I have a feeling that if this swine flu/n1h1 flu or whatever we're calling it takes hold, or the news about it just keeps getting bad, I won't have any people in my classes. If I don't teach or people don't come, I don't make any money. The bank only accepts money to let me stay in my house. The grocery store only accepts money or its equivalent in exchange for food. So if people freak out and don't come to class because they're afraid someone's going to sneeze near them, I'm in trouble.

But worse, is if they close the hospitals à la SARS a few years back, I won't have classes at my beloved CHEO. Usually I do the math and figure if I lose a client I'll manage. But if I lose two big ones, well, I'm screwed.

And while all this is going on, I'm noticing the urge to resonate at the vibration of Panic and Fear and I'm resisting that urge. I'm looking around for things to encourage me to resonate with Thriving and Peace. It may turn out to simply be more practical to resonate with the good stuff, without ignoring the other stuff.



Oh and one final thing to add about the stuff that's pulling on me or wanting me to resonate with it, is that I came home today to find out that the Shepherds' gate had been left open in the middle of the night and some people tossed a bottle over the fence that completely smashed the windshield of the car right next to mine. My first reaction was, "that's so close to my car!" And then I relaxed and am of course sympathetic and concerned.

So my intention is to use all of this stuff just like the weather. And I'll stay calm inside and do actions that are appropriate as opposed to reactions to the weather. I'm sure it will all work out fine but it's kind of entertaining to consider how screwed I could be.