First Birthday Without My Dad

Today's the first birthday I've had since my father died. In the past I would sometimes talk to my dad on my birthday but lots of times I wouldn't hear from him. That was pretty normal. Sometimes at Christmas or at the following birthday, I'd get a present that was for my birthday and Christmas, or for a couple of years in a row as the case was once in a while.

My dad in recent years was a little more organized and I'd get a card near my birthday with a check in it, which was always appreciated. I loved seeing his handwriting on the card, which was often one he'd printed out on his computer. Seeing his handwriting reminded me of crossword puzzles he'd leave behind from his few visits to Ottawa. Or of keeping score for Scrabble, which we liked to play together.

When I went to his place in Texas right after he died, I collected just a few things, but some of the most precious were things that had his handwriting on them. He took lots of notes and kept them around. I do that too, although less and less, as I have integrated using a computer for most of my journalling and note-taking.

So this year I notice I'm sort of waiting for something to come in the mail from him. But I know nothing will come. Not even late. Makes me miss him and feel sad that he's gone.

Birthday Pose Again!

Wow, it seems like I just wrote about this pose. I mean, I think I'm wearing the same shirt as the last time I wrote about this. It comes back again so fast. I checked. It's not the same shirt, although it very well could be because neither of them are new, but it's the same colour, because I have adopted grey as the colour of this decade. So far. I wear a lot of grey! I like it! It goes with a lot of things! Jeans, other grey things, black, just to get started.

This year the birthday pose feels pretty comfortable. I'm feeling good with myself and where I'm at. And the places where I'm not feeling good about myself and my life, I'm gently judging and keeping an eye on as opposed to attacking them and blaming myself loudly. I'm quieter to myself about my judgements. I'm more compassionate with myself. I have been through a lot in my life and I'm going to go through a lot more if I have my way. And so compassion is the theme of this birthday. And with compassion for me, there's the freedom to have fun. So I'm having fun this birthday.

I got woken up around 6:30 on a morning when I could have easily slept in for another hour (see - I'm already more relaxed that I can even sleep in until 7:30) and I didn't get mad when this friend knew that I was probably sleeping and just wanted to make sure that they were the first one to wish me Happy Birthday.

I am also taking today as an opportunity to get rid of a lot of stuff. I took two boxes of books to my car a little while ago. That's a big deal for me. The present I'm giving myself this year is giving stuff away. Yep, I've arrived at maturity where 'tis better to give than to receive.

Oh well. I'm leading yoga this evening and I'm looking forward to that. If you're not doing anything and you're reading this in time, please come!

Thoughts on a Birthday

Today is my daughter's birthday. She's 11. She told me she'd rather skip and just get to 12 but we both agreed that wasn't possible and how about just deal with 11. It's pretty good, as I recall.

11's so sweet. It's really on the way to being a grown up but with full access to childhood. My daughter notices she can pass for an Older Kid but appreciates the understanding that she really is close to Little Kid.

I find myself feeling a bit sad today. I didn't expect to. Maybe it's other things, maybe it's other circumstances, and maybe it's that my little girl isn't really one anymore. I went to school to drop off the cupcakes and she said hi and bye real fast. I went all the way to the school, like totally out of my way, and I got a "hibye." It's not new and it's not surprising or anything.

Being a mom has taken more from me than anything else I've ever done. And I love being used up. I love being challenged and having to get creative and be strengthened and taken to my edge, taken past my edge, and having to use my values and insights and having to dig down really deep to answer those challenges. I also feel free to make loads of mistakes knowing I'm a good-enough mom.

I also love the ease with which being her mom comes to me. It's natural to face those things and it's fun to see how it turns out. It's not going as planned in many ways. It's going better than planned in some. It's a relationship I don't question or evaluate. It's a part of me, it's not a stay or go or change or fix or wonder about. It's an expression of who I am in a way that's not separate. There's no question about it. That's not to say there aren't times when I don't have to modify behaviours we're doing or come up with strategies for how we're going to get through particular spots in our lives. But there's never a question that we won't get there, or that it won't work out.

I enjoy the little kid and big girl my daughter has become. She threatens to get taller than me and has declared that this is the year she's going to do it. Imagine - my kid getting to be bigger than me. I still think the whole thing is weird. And normal. All at the same time.

(Here's a picture of the cake that was made for her. The Photobooth makes it mirrored though and I don't know how to flip it, so there you go.)

It's My Birthday Tomorrow

I got an email recently that I think was attributed to George Carlin and I don't know if it was his stuff or not but the email asked me to forward to everyone I knew so I was thinking maybe he wasn't the originator, but anyways, it was about birthdays. And about how when we're young we are so excited about our birthday coming up and we count it in fractions. The we get older and we aren't so excited about it and then we get really old and we get excited and we count in fractions again.

My daughter's birthday is a week after mine. She has had her birthday planned for weeks. The guest list went out, I've booked the party space and the loot bags were ordered, and it's a happening. And then there's my birthday tomorrow. My mother asked me a week ago what I wanted for my birthday, but by now she's trained. I don't want anything, I'm not doing anything, it's not a big deal. And my friend Hans asked me days ago what kind of cake I wanted because he wanted to make me a cake for my birthday (he's a chef). I was almost mad at him. Did I want mousse cake or a flan or what did I want? "Cake. Cake is good. Okay if you're going to make me choose, how about something with layers and include chocolate? Writing on the top, jeez." He got right into it and apparently it's going to be Black Forest and it's beginning to be marinated in the morning, oh, and it's going to be big and I'm going to need to have people help me to eat it so I'd better call some people.

So while I was at the Children's Hospital today teaching yoga, I was aware that I was in the over-40 frame of mind but I was in the presence of the under-20s and that to them, for me to withhold that it was my birthday tomorrow would basically be rude, so I said, "tomorrow's my birthday." They were all audibly excited and one of the girls asked if was staying later to teach another class so she could make me a card. I tear up again just typing that. They were so happy and excited for me. Tomorrow's my birthday! Wow!

I picked my daughter up at school and she had something close to her chest. She said it was her homework and then presented me with a big card that said "Happy 43rd Birthday Mommy!" I loved the gesture, but it still looked to me like it was for someone else. "Surely that card from this lovely girl was not for me, because I'm hardly someone's mother let alone someone who's turning 43 years old!"

I'm not against growing older or even being 43. I don't dye my hair, I'm all about the natural process of things and still, 43 feels weird. 42 was at least the answer to life, the universe, and everything. But 43? What in the world is 43? Torsten mentioned that some driver's number is 43 in answer to my question. I'm still wondering, "what in the world is 43? Is it even a number?" And I got another message tonight, "43 may feel like nothing but it's something. Think back on everything you learned this past year. A lot. Not pleasant, a lot of it, I know. But, man, Really good." That struck me. I'm so me at this point in my life. I'm almost completely myself. I feel some of the constraints I'm in, but I'm really very close to me. And that makes it something.

So I celebrate tomorrow. Or as my good friend who thought today was my birthday saved the call, tonight's my Birthday Eve, we'll do it in the Jewish way. Whoopie! It's my birthday tomorrow! Yay! I'm going to be 43! Whoohoo!

Happy Birthday to Me

This is a funny video that my friend, David Cronkite, made for me. I'm 42 today. It still feels great! Hooray for the 40s!